To ask for a diary of sexual harassment?

[DarthMaiden]

Inspiration came from the Harvey Weinstein thread.

Sexual harassment/assault is endemic - but no one seems to be able to capture the scale of the problem.

So...my thought is we do so here. A diary of sorts.

The everyday sexism and assault we encounter.

It’s not easy to report for many women so perhaps being able to record might help.

I, for one, want to stop using NAMALT until I hear from those men who are not like that. Loudly, all the time, in every single situation. I want it to be deafening.

Exactly right Datun and fantastic post as always.

When I first started on a gradscheme job I spent a few days shadowing different directors. One of them I could just tell was a creep, over friendly and asked if I had any holiday plans, told him yes I'm off to Ibiza with my friends. Said to me whilst in the lift down to the car park 'bet you can't wait to get in a little bikini' then got to car park to go to a meeting 'oh il let you drive' and kept touching my arm as we drove to indicate the route. Felt so uncomfortable, he was at least twenty years older and found out later he had numerous affairs with younger women like me who probably felt they couldn't say no (he was not attractive in the slightest and married)
The countless times I've been out and men walk past and grope me. I was on a night out with work colleagues, mostly male and a stranger came up behind me and grabbed both boobs and laughed like it was hilarious. I slapped him very hard across the face but none of my colleagues did anything.
At uni on one of first nights out I was chatting to my hall mates boyfriends hall mate, I had a boyfriend so was just being friendly. All of us went back to our halls and he disappeared. Went to my room to use the loo and he had let himself in and got into my bed to wait for me! At no point had i insinuated anything like that, I had to go and get my friend to kick him out.
My experiences aren't as bad as some of the posts on here but why should these men get away with their behaviour?

Ffs what a thread! Way to attract wankers!

Crikey. How long have you got?

Aged 9, I was flashed at by a man in the LADIES toilet in McDonalds.

Aged 10, an old man insisted on pushing me and my friends on the swings in the park, even though we said we didn't need him to. He grabbed my bum and tried to put his hands under my skirt. We were gobby little things so told him to piss off and ran away. Creepy, though.

Have had three different men expose themselves to me/masturbate in public. Once on the tube; one was a neighbour who's house faced on to our kitchen (I was about 14 - my mum called the police and was outraged when they said 'we've spoon to him and he seems like a decent bloke and praised not to do it again' ; and once when I was walking home from a night out.

Numerous guys grabbing my bum in clubs/pubs or on the tube. Honestly couldn't count how many times when I was in my teens and 20s. At a festival once somebody in the crowd put their hand up the back of my dress and actually stuck their fingers inside me. When I turned around I just saw a wall of blank male faces.

Twice in my younger days minicab drivers groped me. I also had one minicab driver drive me on to a deserted industrial estate late at night and I screamed the place down and I think startled him, as he then drove out and just told me to get out and left me in the middle of nowhere .

I was propositioned by a senior boss in my first proper job out of university. He kept putting off explaining a project I had been given, and eventually cornered me into a 'drink to discuss it after work'. He then refused to even discuss it and asked me loads of personal questions, ending in him telling me that I could 'progress very quickly' if we became friends. I know for sure that not taking him up on his 'kind offer' harmed my career.

I have experienced two more 'serious' assaults, but I don't want to talk about those on a public forum.

Honestly, I could think of so many more incidents. Its very depressing.

damn typos

I'm saddened to say that my 13 year old daughter recently had her first experience of it from an older boy at school.

She told me, she was tearful, and I immediately rang the school. Had to leave a message. Showed her I 100% believed her and supported her, showed her and her siblings that any unwelcome contact will not be tolerated.

By the time she got in to school the next day there were numerous staff already sorting it. I'm so impressed with them. It wasn't swept under the carpet or minimised. And I'm so pleased she told me and that we toom quick action together.

She is a strong girl, but should never have to deal with this kind of thing

Another I did not mention, a few months back I was followed to the doctors by a lad on a bike who couldn't have been much older than 12. Shouting for me to get my tits out, oh please show is ya tits, ok just show me your fanny, milf and so on. I did not feel intimidated because of his age, I figured IF he did anything more than shouting I could easily defend myself (I was slightly worried though,m that as a kid he could get me done for even pushing him off me)

He actually waited outside the doctors too, watching me through the large windows that my surgery has, until I came out of my appointment, and followed me back again.

Eventually I told him to 'fuck off you little pervert' to which he laughed and told me that he liked a 'strong woman' and carried on with the ;show me your tits for a second, I wont tell anyone' and that.

It starts very young, it seems. The oldest this kid could have been from looking at him was 12, he could have been much younger.

Apologies! I got the wrong end of the stick. Sensitive subject isn't it? Newish to MN and still learning.

Like others, I have loads of low level stories. One that sticks in my mind is when I was staying with my best friends family in another country, at the age of 14. Her 38 year old uncle seduced me and tried to take me to bed. I was a willing participant, felt so grown up at the time, but now I look back and feel so disturbed. I was a child, under his care!

So many horrific stories and so many stories of abuse and harassment at such young ages

I feel so angry

Ugh too many.

I used to have a boss that would needlessly adjust my uniform.

A group of teenagers when I was 14 help me down and pulled my pants down. Just for "fun".

A group of teenegers in a remote location abroad leered at me and a friend and one of them had his cock out.

Men in clubs that have stuck their hand up my skirt.

A man came up to me in a bar and asked my friend if he was my bf. Thankfully friend said yes from my frantic squeezing of his hand. He then asked my friend with me stood right there if it was true women with glasses gave the best head. We left.

I once found a colleague sobbing because another (male) staff member had grabbed her crotch. The manger sent her upstairs until she'd "calmed down" and no more was said about it.

Manger turned out to be her ex partner too.

A work colleague, over 30 years older than me (I was 22 at the time) sexually assaulted me after work - trapped me in the office, groped me and shoved his hands in my pants. Told my boss the next day, who told me I was a"wicked girl to say such things" and that the colleague was "a lovely family man, happily married with a daughter the same age." I was told never to mention it again, and my boss was "very, very disappointed that I had said such a thing."

I'll go for the most recent one. Friday night, doorman pinned me against the bar and slapped my behind twice. Hard. Wouldn't let me move.

Later on he walked past when I was cleaning the bar and grabbed my crotch.

I've been in two minds about sharing but since I haven't changed my name back from my recent name change I thought I'd just go for it.

About 7/8 I was in a department store with my mum. She was returning something and standing at a desk talking to customer service. I was sat in the back of the room on a row of chairs. An old man sat down beside me and started saying inappropriate thing about the way I looked. He then started rubbing his hand all over my chest. I put my head down and wanted the ground to swallow me. My mum must have been alerted by the lady she was speaking to because suddenly my arm was jerked and I was standing beside her.
Afterwards I got a lecture on how I need to scream and make a scene of anyone is touching me or doing something I don't like. I felt 100% it was my fault for not screaming.

About 11ish and I was trick or treating with friends and family. Stood inside someone's house. There was an old man sitting in a chair by the doorway. He spoke to me kindly and shook my hand and at the same time tickled my palm (found out many years later this is a 'sign' that says "I want to sleep with you") I turned away from him and he grabbed my bum. I jumped and turned around with a wtf look on my face. A lady who I assumed was his adult daughter saw everything and looked very annoyed with me.

After that there was a lot of low level everyday verbal stuff.
More recently a coworker grabbed my bum and told my team about it. I don't feel able to make a complaint about him and feel as if I am supposed to laugh it off as lads banter. My manager knows about it.
He's recently done it a second time and I've told him to stop. So he's taken to calling me a nickname related to my bum (don't want to out myself by putting it on here). He's also started telling more people.

I always considered myself a pretty hard line feminist but this most recent situation has made me feel so powerless and ashamed. Even though I know it's nonsensical.
My husband was reading a Weinstein related article the other day that said most women have experienced sexual harassment at work. He asked if I had and I said no. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my husband.

It took me 5 years after meeting DH to tell him about my experience of attempted rape.

It took me 10 years after the event to tell my parents.

I suppose I still feel guilty that I pestered my parents (who were very reluctant) to let me go out with these older girls they didn’t know.

I also felt I’d let my parents down on my “first big night out” and frankly I was worried I’d not be allowed out again if I told them - teen priorities hmm

I put the experience in a mental vault and locked it. I suppose I was able to do this because unlike many other women I got away relatively “unscathed” (bruises).

Telling was hard - especially my parents - but it did help in my case. However, they were supportive, they did believe me. They didn’t blame me. My parents were sad I felt I couldn’t tell them at the time but understood why and were at pains to stress I shouldn’t feel guilt about that or any part of the whole experience.

I appreciate many women don’t get the same level of support :-(

Not - I’m so sorry you are dealing with this now.

You’ve nothing to be ashamed of.

I can’t tell you what to do - as below it took me 10 years to tell anyone what happened to me, but please think about speaking to your DH if you feel he’d be supportive. It’s not a reflection of you - it’s how these buggers operate to make us feel shit/embarrassed that they were able to do this, then often make a joke about it. All start of the next level of “defence” the we don’t have a sense of humour about a “joke”.

I reallly think we should think twice about sharing these stories online , on such a public forum

Some fuck night enjoy reading them

I am completely fine with sharing this. If it was to go in the DM I hope he reads it.

I was 13 and my neighbour was 16, or very close to. We were quite good friends having grown up together (well I thought we were). He decided he wanted to have sex with me. He handed me over all these letters that were letters telling me in great detail what he wanted to do to me. And there were pornographic drawings of me. I mean very graphic stuff. To cut a very long story short he flashed me. Then he told me that if I didn't meet him and at least 'suck his cock he was going to kill himself'. So I did.

He wanted more, more letters were slipped to me when walking home from school saying that I am frigid, with a diary of the days and what sex acts I needed to do on those days to rectify this. We lived in terraced houses and our walls were thin. He told me he had made a peep hole and he could see me get changed. Being 13 I believed him.

I never told my mum at the time. Not for so many years after. I told her everything as a kid except this. I couldn't show her the letters because they were so graphic and I didn't want her to see pictures of 'my' vagina and him doing things to me.

I wish I had told her so it could have been reported at the time. But hindsight hey? I genuinely believed that if I didn't go along with it he would kill himself and it would be all my fault. We didn't have intercourse thankfully but what I did made me heave and shake in fear.

to everyone.

thanks Darth. I think you're very brave!

I’m not brave.

I’m the same as anyone else on this thread I think, wondering how to stop this happening to the next generation of women.

I think we are on the road

Many people experienced being minimised , I know I did

Education of boys and girls is key - my 9 year old will be taught that it's vile . His 9 year old will be taught to tell . That's it's not acceptable

I have some hope , but we need to tone down their internet acess big time

Stop I appreciate your point and per a post below no one should share anything they feel wouldn’t be in their interests to do so.

That said, personally I don’t want to be quiet because some perv might get off on my story.
I don’t want to give them the power to shut me up.

I’d rather just say they are filthy fucking perverts who can go to hell.

I have just read this thread and it's like a fucked up version of Inside out as a few memories have popped back - which given my previous comment I won't share !

I think it's very good we are talking about this topic as my GOD it was minimised wasn't it ?

I went out one night with my friend. She saw a male friend she new and got chatting. The music was really loud and I didn't know him so I wondered off by myself for a bit. I knew she would find me when she was finished.

Few months later someone added me on Snapchat. My user name on there is just my name so I'm easy to find.
No idea who it was at first until I saw a few pictures. It was the man my friend had introduced me to on the night out. Ide obviously misheard his name.
We started chatting he made clear he just wanted sex. I said I wasn't the kind of person who just jumped into bed with peopls and didn't hear back from him.
I assumed he wasn't interested which was fine I was glad I hadn't wasted my time.

A few weeks later it was my dd2 birthday i had a party for her. I tidied up put the kids to bed sat down with wine and there was a knock at the door I opened it to find a man there. Took me a couple of seconds to realise it was the man who had added me on snap chat and to my horror it's NOT the man my friend knew. I didn't have a clue who he was. He forced his way into my house and I found out we had met before years ago.
The night I had found out my so had cheated on me I HAD gone to a friend's house and got good and drunk, I knew there were other people there but I was to drunk to remember.
He had remembered me. He had found out where I lived as I had put my dd2 party pictures on snap chat and he had recognized my house.
He raped me on my sofa while my children slept upstairs.
It took me years to realise what had actually happened. I stupidly thought I must of encouraged him somehow and that wasn't rape it couldn't of been I was in my fluffy slippers I wasn't drunk.
Until that point I had no idea what rape was.
Some days I stand in a crowd and think of the statistics and wonder how many others are there right under my nose.

I no my story seems so unbelievable but it happened.

notlike I think at lot of women feel their experiences are “unbelievable” - that’s why we don’t report. We also often feel we made decisions that enabled the harassment or assault and that guilt binds us.

I believe you.