To ask for a diary of sexual harassment?

[DarthMaiden]

Inspiration came from the Harvey Weinstein thread.

Sexual harassment/assault is endemic - but no one seems to be able to capture the scale of the problem.

So...my thought is we do so here. A diary of sorts.

The everyday sexism and assault we encounter.

It’s not easy to report for many women so perhaps being able to record might help.

I completely agree DarthMaiden. I was actually considering starting a thread like this when that incident on the Tube happened to me last week, one where I and other women could post every instance of harassment which happened. Thank you for doing so

Well, thanks for the outlet. I’m sure it’s therapeutic somehow.

Low level stuff is everywhere. It’s intimidating walking past a group of men.

The other week I was walking towards a builders van and the driver was just staring at me, I’m sure you know the look. Then he said, ‘smile, love’...and I fucking did! Fucking idiot I am.

Few months ago, in the summer was beeped at/yelled at as walked down the road with DD.

Went out to Sainsbury’s with DD in the evening, and the letchy security guard looked us both up and down and drawled ‘evening pretty ladies’.

It seems silly writing about it. But at the time you feel embarassed/flustered.

In my younger years, I got beeped all the time, propositioned on the way to school and work. Always groped when out in pubs/clubs. Called a lesbian if I rebuffed a chat up.

This low level stuff we accept every day, and it’s awful.

Women really are the stronger ones, with everything we go through.

You're absolutely right gluteus but please don't feel silly writing about it. Horrible that this continues to happen to women and girls, even you with your daughter. There are so many instances of this kind of thing happening.

Don't know where to start.

Me at 14 royal marine looking down my top:-are you a virgin?

I slapped his face. He demanded an apology.

When I got together with mynow dh years later my friend, large of chest, told me he was one of the good ones. "He's one of the only ones who talks to my face"

In between a world of bruises and hurt.

RJnomore1

RJ - that’s awful

Thank you to everyone who has posted.

My “low level” stuff this week includes:

• being called a fucking bitch because I told an older man he couldn’t park across my drive

• because of the pound coin change I have been spending them (you can lookup a thread about it if you are interested) when spending the last yesterday I got called a “fucking blond bimbo” by a man who got frustrated because I didn’t take the notes from my purse and paid in coins....

Sorry DarthMaiden and thank you for starting this thread x

What bigger picture are you going to try and paint by having people 'share'?

It's likely that almost all responders will have some kind of story to add - it's a self-selecting group.

It's likely that expected people will arrive to shout down anyone who dares suggest sexual harassment isn't happening to every woman several times a day, whether we know it or not.

What support is likely to be here?

What's your agenda OP?

What a bizarre post. It's showing others they're not alone and allowing us to post our experiences. I can't see why anyone would come on this thread if it's not happening to them - it's for women and girls it is happening to, which, from my own experience and those of girls I know, is most of us.

@NoLoveofMine

What are you sorry for?

There is nothing in any posts you should feel apologetic about I’m confused you feel that way to be honest.

My hope is this is a supportive thread. Women can contribute about past and present issues.

The grope that someone will get on the tube tomorrow, the sexual innuendos made at a night out etc

It is a supportive thread DarthMaiden and I feel supported for having posted on it. Thank you. I meant sorry those incidents have happened!

@lettersAndNumbersOnly

I think I’ve made my “agenda” clear.

What’s yours apart from being a GF?

lettersAndNumbersOnly Darths agenda is clear, what's yours?

I realise that GF is a nice easy way to insult and dismiss anyone who dares question you.

You began by saying you want to capture the "endemic" and I suggested that as a method of collecting data, it is extremely flawed.

That seems to have changed into some form of support network. I suspect it will morph into an argument as to if there's an endemic blah blah.

As to a diary of evidence (including people who feel they may have been touched), I don't understand it.

From the age of 14 my 15 yr old boyfriend pushed and pushed for sex - I remember I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said 'your virginity' I was 14 ffs and made to feel so bad. When I refused he would insist on being allowed access to my body to do everything else he wanted to - fingering, playing with my breasts. Told me he was 'training me' and 'breaking me in' and told other boys at school I was frigid if I didn't comply. This was a smart popular boy from a respectable home - he's gone on to do very well in life and has a nice wife and family.

Aged about 15 in the open air market in Cambridge a man coming the other way turned his body sideways to go past me and as he did he grabbed and squeezed my breast really hard as he went by. I was with my sister and some family friends, I never said a word - it happened so quickly.

From the age of 21 my older by 17 yrs (married) boss harassed me to have sex with him. I 'gave in' when I was 28 having just come out of a LT relationship. He had taken me out, got me drunk and driven me to his house while his wife was away for the night. Wouldn't take no for an answer.

After that he regularly insisted on sex in his office after work when everyone had gone home - when I said (after 2 months) I didn't want to do it any more he threatened me with the sack. I said I didn't care he could sack me. He didn't sack me but later raped me in his car one night after our works Xmas do.

letters, this thread came about because on the Harvey Weinstein thread people began sharing their own personal stories of sexual harassment/assault. Several of these posters had never told anyone else and we thought a thread like this might help provide an outlet for women, as well as highlighting that, despite what some people say, this sort of thing is widespread and very few women will go through life without some form of assault/harassment or worse.

letters including people who feel they may have been touched

What the fucks that suppose to insinuate. As for saying it will descend into arguing you are the only one disrupting the thread. Perhaps if you don't like or understand it just bugger off and ignore it. That is possible.

I don't think any women don't know this is happening all over the place every day.

I have never told anyone this because I am so ashamed. When I was 17 I was seeing a guy who was 21 who I was totally besotted with.
I was a really shy teenager, whenever we would do stuff he’d call me ‘frigid’ or a ‘stupid kid’ if I didn’t want to go any further. One Saturday night at his house after a lot of drinking I decided we would have full sex for the first time. I was drunk but not incoherent.

Changed my mind and he got angry and did it anyway. Called his flatmate in who took his turn too while my ‘boyfriend’ watched and laughed.

Afterwards I went to the bathroom to try and clean up and was crying in pain and humiliation to have boyfriend shout through the door ‘I’ll give you something to cry about in a minute’.

notfortheshame that is just horrific Please, please, please stop carrying around any sense of shame over it. You had no control and bear zero responsibility for what happened to you. Those men are scum. Absolute scum.

I would suggest you do talk about it to a rape counsellor or a GP you trust, or rape crisis, victim support or just the samaritans to start with or a friend you trust. You seemed to have carried it inside you for a very long time. Believe me when I say talking about it can help to reframe your experience in a way that no longer leads to shame. Thank you for being brave enough to share

When I was 18 I was standing outside a pub next to some bouncers taking to my friend.

I was wearing a shirt that wasn't even that short, just above my knee.

I felt a hand go up my skirt and into my underwear. Some old dirty fucking sleaze was laughing like he has every right to do it.

I was so shocked I hit him, and in turn got thrown out of the pub.

This isn't something I've thought about much in the last 11 years, but the previous thread made me talk to my OH about it, and it still makes me feel sick to the core.

I think what's worse is I was made out to be the problem and thrown out, and never once did it occur to me to phone the police.

That was one of many incidents but that one still haunts me. Not as bad as a lot of the stories here mind

I just realised that I felt the need to justify what I was wearing. This is the problem. Women are taught how to behave / what to wear as if it's our fault rather than men being taught not to lay their hands on someone.

It's just so ingrained isn't it?

"But how much had you had to drink?"
"What was you wearing?"

5 years old. 13 year old cousin. Family holiday. Would take me for a walk, undress me and stroke my vulva. Told me he’d buy me toys. He didn’t and as he came to tuck me in for a nap I complained. He told me I couldn’t tell anyone. I was upset that I didn’t get any toys.

12 years old. At a family holiday again, my favourite place of all, grandma’s farm. A farm worker would ask me to go with him to feed the animals in the field which was exciting for me as I was a townie girl. He felt my budding breasts all the way there. I clocked something was off and told grandma. She told me never to go with him again alone.

13 years old. Adult brothers of my aunt came to help at the same farm. One of them chased me around the yard, threw me down and put his hands down the sides of my tshirt. It was witnessed by several people including two more adults. As I got up, scratched, sweaty, crying and covered in dirt, they were laughing. I was told it was my fault for having breasts but not wearing a bra.

17 years old. Hitchhiking. Man stopped and the moment I got in I knew I was in trouble as he had an awful leery face. He was proposed he stops in the woods and I’ll undress for him. I refused and asked him to stop. He sped up and felt my breasts and vulva with one hand while driving with the other. He let me out in the end but not before grabbing my crotch as I got out.

21 year old. On the train. There was a long changeover at one of the stations as we waited for another train which was an important connection. Lot of people left and the carriage was almost empty. A bunch of young boys run through the carriage. They couldn’t have been more than 12-13. Before I knew, they stood on the seat behind me, and reached out over the seat down my top. They cackled, called me a slag and run away. It was their age that got me. And that they lived near the station (saw them running across the tracks) and that was their form of entertainment.

That’s the main ones. Countless other incidences of touching, catcalling, being told to smile etc.

Thank you all for sharing. It’s powerful.