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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still love my dad after this?

104 replies

Beenconned · 13/10/2017 22:09

My lovely and wonderful sister (biologically half sister, we have the same mum but different dads, although I've never thought of her as 'just' a half sister), has had a pretty hard upbringing. She was brought up from age of 5 with my mum (who is lovely) and my dad who bullied and destroyed her basically. My sister is 12 years older than me, and although I'm in my 30s and she's in her 40s, I've only recently found out / realised about the abuse she suffered.

I feel so guilty but I genuinely wasn't aware of it growing up. My dad was / is amazing to me, but was by all accounts utterly horrific to my wonderful sister.

I love her, but I also love my dad. He has been an incredible support my entire life, above and beyond what a dad would do perhaps. But I must have been the lucky one. What the hell gives. I want to support my sister as she's going through hell trying to come to terms with it all (plus other trauma in her life). But I also love my dad.

I guess I'm bu?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 14/10/2017 00:38

You have been abused
Your sister has been abused
Your mother has more than likely been abused

Your brother - who knows.

This man you think is lovely, is not. He is a manipulator, and an abuser. He constantly brings up a time where you were at your lowest, which is a direct result of you helping HIM pay his bills. That's him exerting his control even now. Reminding you of a time he "rescued" you. Making himself the hero.

Be very prepared if you do seek counselling, op. You are likely to see a side to your childhood that you haven't yet seen.

Flowers
differentnameforthis · 14/10/2017 00:47

He has been an incredible support my entire life, above and beyond what a dad would do perhaps

This makes absolutely no sense given what you have said later in the thread.

It makes perfect sense. Op has been conditioned to think this man is marvelous. That he is the best there is, which was formulated during her childhood of being the golden child. He made her his allie, so she would want to help him, and she will think that her being paid for sex was HER choice, a decision she made...it probably was, but NO decent parent would allow their daughter to do that while benefiting from the proceeds. He was happy for his daughter to prostitute herself for his gain.

You have entire cults following a leader they worship, they will tell you how the leader helped them escape abuse, a life of crime, etc but who regularly takes any money earned by them, has multiple sexual partners, etc. Because they have been conditioned to think the leader is wonderful.

Original poster
Beenconned · 14/10/2017 08:04

I don't think I can deal with counselling at the moment. I'm also dealing with my children's dad moving out. It's all a bit much at the moment. Funnily enough I think part of the reason I couldn't make it work with my ex is because he reminded me somewhat of my dad. Ex gambled / gaslighted and was happy for me to work myself to the bone and always complained it wasn't enough. He drives around in a top of the range car, had 2k a month to spend on food plus whatever else he wanted, yet he complained he had to budget.

Fucking hell my life is so messed up. Yet I can't afford to have a down day because I have 2 young kids who need me and a sodding business to run. All I want to do is curl up and sleep for a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 14/10/2017 08:07

One thing I learnt in my life is never to put myself first. Always think of everyone else before me. That's really shaped my life.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 14/10/2017 08:12

You are very vunerable yourself at the moment and you have a lot of responsibility. Please look after yourself first. You are facing a lot in your own personal life so be very careful how much extra you take on. I think you will need a counsellor to help you here but take thinvs very slowly as letting all that out at once could overwhelm you. Your dsis is in counsellinng so has that support. Try not to take on too much from her ..not because she doesn't deserve it ..but because you have to take care of yourself.
3 women having breakdowns because of one man . He has a lot to answer for. Please make yourself the priority as your dc deserve this.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 14/10/2017 08:12

I found out some horrible things about my dad after he died.

I had a half brother for one who my dad left when he got a woman pregnant (he was 16)

A few abusive things he done to my mum and sister.

I do think he was a twat, but I still 'love' him.

Iris65 · 14/10/2017 08:12

You became a prostitute to fund your abusive cunt of a Dad who drove your mother and your sister to breakdown and you still say he was a great dad to you and a well respected and loved man. Hmm

Original poster
Beenconned · 14/10/2017 08:15

Sorry but fuck off with your Hmm

That is all.

OP posts:
throatmanship · 14/10/2017 08:23

Beenconned I hope you are okay this morning, its a type of awakening and it takes ages to come to terms with, I know only too well, I've been there (still going through it to some extent) myself.

Although I haven't had counselling (I probably could do with it) I've read lots around the subject in order to become more self aware. When my father turned on me I was finally able to see him for the man he was.

My mother was an alcoholic so she was ideal for him to paint as the baddie (and she was bad in many ways) so he could then be the hero. My mother made me the scapegoat, my brother the apple of her eye and my father sat back and allowed this to happen, joined in too at times, just to make his life easier. He would then, on the other hand try to keep me on side, making me also feel like he'd been an incredible support to me throughout my life. In reality he was just using me to feed his own ego and 'hero status'. I just couldn't see it at the time. This charade was kept us for many years until my mother died from her alcoholism. We all rallied around him but within weeks he was living with another woman who turned out to be quite horrible to us. Naturally my brother and I were appalled and we spoke up. Being the scapegoat I was able to see things a little more clearly so I told my father exactly what I thought, my brother felt the same and also spoke to him about it. He then reverted back to type, me, the scapegoat was immediately the person in the wrong, the trouble maker, the one trying to ruin his happiness etc so there was a massive backlash against me. My brother, the golden child was forgiven for having exactly the same views and kept in the family fold - in fact my brother now lives with him and his new partner even though she treats him like dirt and my father lets it happen - my brother just can't break out of the 'favoured child' setup.

Just like you can't.

I have lost an awful lot of respect for my brother as he will not stand strong and step away from my father. He cant see that my father just uses him to present the 'happy family life' that he needs to present to the outside world. At least at the moment its ME that is the trouble maker, the bad one so it suits my father to keep my brother on side.

I absolutely urge you to remain loyal to your sister - I can guarantee your father is just using you for his own needs. These people dont care about anyone apart from themselves.

throatmanship · 14/10/2017 08:27

And yes Iris65 there is no need for the Hmm face. Until youve been in this family dynamic you'll have no understanding of the need and drive to please your parent at all times.

I did the same, helped my parents out financially, helped my father with everything, got him a job at my place of work, dropped everything (including my husband and own children) at times to run to my father to help him out with anything and everything.

So keep your silly faces to yourself.

throatmanship · 14/10/2017 08:32

And yes, I'm a 'people pleaser' too. It's how we were conditioned from birth. Look after yourself Beenconned, its a tough ride coming to terms with everything. It's taken me about 2 years so far and I'm getting better all the time. Its actually much easier now that he's out of my life altogether. I'm in touch with my brother but do feel betrayed that he didn't absolutely stand by me and go NC with my father too.

throatmanship · 14/10/2017 08:33

beenconned you may want to make your way over to the 'Stately Homes' thread in Relationships. There are some fantastic posters there who will help you to see things a bit clearer xx

PinkyBlunder · 14/10/2017 08:33

one thing I've learnt from life is to never put myself first...

Your thread has really hit home with me OP. I'm a daughter of a narcissistic father and couldn't put a name to it and realise the scale of abuse until my 30s. I can't offer let any advice unfortunately due to being monumentally confused myself but much love to you. Conselling really won't destroy you and to be honest, it sounds like the perfect time to start considering everything else that's going on in your life right now. I had a course of CBT initially which was a great start but I'll be embarking on some more specific counselling sessions to deal with the mind fuck my family have left me shortly!

Flowers
Lovemusic33 · 14/10/2017 08:35

I think you are looking at your dad through Rose tinted glasses. You sold your body to fund him? Shock, he was abusive to your sister and your mother?

I think you need to be there for your sister and support her.

PinkyBlunder · 14/10/2017 08:36

throat thankyou for the article. I've never seen it all spelled out like that before

OnTheRise · 14/10/2017 08:42

I fell into a bad life because of him - - prostitution to finance him.

Wow. That's awful. I'm so sorry you went through that.

The more I write the worse it sounds. He was a good dad to me from birth to 15. Then 16-26 ish he used me for money.

I wonder what changed in your life and his when you were fifteen. Did your scapegoat sister leave home at that time, perhaps? Because something happened then to make things different.

I remember one time he and my mum (who were divorced at the time) had to come and take me from my flat. This was 10 years ago, and I was basically having a nervous breakdown due to working in the sex industry and as a result being an alcoholic. I told my parents I needed help, I was totally and utterly destroyed inside and out. I got no help, apart from my own inner strength. Now many years later I have a family yet my dad still regularly reminds me of the time I was out of control and drunk. It's a time I want to forget yet he brings it up regularly.

So instead of focusing on how well you've turned your life around, he reminds you of when you were floundering and makes you feel bad for that?

He's abusing you too. He's not a great dad, he's not a lovely man, he's an abusive, manipulative, nasty person.

Support your sister. Make time for counselling. Be kind to yourself.

YellowFlower201 · 14/10/2017 08:43
Flowers I hope you get to a point where you can see your father for what he is so you can protect yourself and your children. You would really benefit from counselling. Please think about it! You're dealing with a lot. Get yourself support.
Walkingtowork · 14/10/2017 08:44

Much love and strength to you Beenconned The relationships board will be a great help Flowers

beluga425 · 14/10/2017 09:04

It took me until my 40s to seek counselling and was the best thing I ever did.
Right through.my 20s I still believed that the beatings I received from my narcissist father had been good for me.
I cut contact in my 20s but didn't really acknowledge the damage and my right to heal until very recently.
The stately homes thread helped and counselling was a huge revelation.
Counselling will be unlucky to destroy you as a good counsellor will go at your pace.

Such a shame Iris showed you so little understanding.

Get help, start to look after you and Flowers

beluga425 · 14/10/2017 09:05

Unlikely not unlucky

AlternativeTentacle · 14/10/2017 09:11

When you think you have read it all on here. Fucking hell OP. Flowers.

ChilliMary · 14/10/2017 09:38

This really makes me so mad!! Such a sad story, as well as many other comments. Heart breaking. My grandfather treated his first child like total shit - emotionally and physically very abusive. And he was the same way with his wife. His second was the golden child, treated her like a princess etc. And yet in my family somehow this was accepted. Quite a few men, in my family, were like this. Of course they learned this behaviour from their dads, the women and girls learned to accept and tolerate this behaviour. And so the cycle is perpetuated, it goes on.

The more I learn the more I realise that family is not thicker than water. Just because someone is your father, mother or whatever, if they are monsters, why over look their very bad behaviour, why try and forget and 'move on' without any recognition of went on?

So many lives destroyed and messed up because of these monsters, but because 'we are family', the people who are the victims are stuck in perpetual misery.

OP I think you have a lot to think about.

Miserylovescompany2 · 14/10/2017 10:05

I wonder if the turning point happened when you sister ceased being the host for his abuse - your father then replaced her with you.

Please look into cognative dissonance - in a nut shell it's two opposing views.

Your father is an abuser - a high level one at that. Most likely the worst kind - a sociopath.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2017 10:07

throat you described my childhood

I was the scapegoat, my sister the golden child. Thankfully, we have maintained a strong relationship between us into middle age despite it all. With my parents, not so much

I pity my mother, still living with it. What a waste of her life Sad

I hope you can do the same, op Flowers

Isetan · 14/10/2017 12:03

You’ve done a very good job compartmentalising his behaviour and that has been your means of surviving, However, your sister’s abuse at the hands of your father, means its harder for you to compartmentalise because playing happy families with her abuser, is at odds with supporting her.

I think this is a turning point and as others have suggested, you should engage professional support you in navigating it. The survival instincts of the past aren’t necessarily the instincts that benefit you in the future.

because it involves