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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still love my dad after this?

104 replies

Beenconned · 13/10/2017 22:09

My lovely and wonderful sister (biologically half sister, we have the same mum but different dads, although I've never thought of her as 'just' a half sister), has had a pretty hard upbringing. She was brought up from age of 5 with my mum (who is lovely) and my dad who bullied and destroyed her basically. My sister is 12 years older than me, and although I'm in my 30s and she's in her 40s, I've only recently found out / realised about the abuse she suffered.

I feel so guilty but I genuinely wasn't aware of it growing up. My dad was / is amazing to me, but was by all accounts utterly horrific to my wonderful sister.

I love her, but I also love my dad. He has been an incredible support my entire life, above and beyond what a dad would do perhaps. But I must have been the lucky one. What the hell gives. I want to support my sister as she's going through hell trying to come to terms with it all (plus other trauma in her life). But I also love my dad.

I guess I'm bu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 13/10/2017 22:53

The more I write the worse it sounds. He was a good dad to me from birth to 15. Then 16-26 ish he used me for money. Then I got a small backbone and I give him less. I have my own children to support now. But I do still support him, but in turn he acts like a good dad and grandad and actually I believe his act. That's what's so weird. Fuck I need counselling.

OP posts:
throatmanship · 13/10/2017 22:53

Honestly, let the scales fall from your eyes and actually look at the man he is! Think about what he did you too, he's a manipulator, pitting you and your sister against each other. You have been conditioned to dote on him and dance to his tune.

bastardkitty · 13/10/2017 22:55

His wonderful treatment of you sounds really terrible. Poor you. Poor poor you. What throatmanship said. You have your own wounds here OP.

throatmanship · 13/10/2017 22:56

And it is an act. These men don't actually have any feelings I'm sure. My father doesn't - it was all an act with him, normal people don't treat their children differently. He's a narcissist, have a read online about them. You'll find it describes him to a tee I'm sure.

winglesspegasus · 13/10/2017 22:57

just a thought but did he abuse your mom too
have seen abuse because 1st child wasnt his.
does mom take part in ds counselling.
sounds like alot of crap needs to be aired and blown away.
you all dont need him,
if he had treated her in public like that now he would be arrested.

beesandknees · 13/10/2017 22:58

Wait a minute. Are you saying you went on the game and gave your dad the money from it?

Did he put you up to it? Or was he asking you for money and that's the only way you could get it? What happened?

MarciaBlaine · 13/10/2017 22:58

My dad turned out to be an utter sexist, woman using bastard. I hate him for it. But all my memories of him aren't bad. I am not sure how you separate it. My dad died, so I probably choose to remember the nice bits,

just5morepeas · 13/10/2017 22:59

I fell into a bad life because of him - - prostitution to finance him.

Sorry, do you mean you gave your Dad money you made from being a prostitute?

Porpoises · 13/10/2017 23:00

He's not a good dad to you either :(

I'm sorry.

PidgeonSpray · 13/10/2017 23:02

Has he ever acknowledged and apologied / sought forgiveness from your sister? Maybe that's a good start for all of you

Perfectly1mperfect · 13/10/2017 23:02

Please don't let your children anywhere near this man. He has shown he is capable of treating another human being, a child, in an abusive way.

Original poster
Beenconned · 13/10/2017 23:02

I do have wounds but my sisters wounds are greater. She feels like she's completely unlovable and the lowest of the low. Whereas I do have confidence in myself, and anything shit that has happened to me I am able to almost brush off. And I've had more shit than most. I'm strong, but my sister is vulnerable and dare I say weak. She needs me, yet I still love and have contact with my dad. I need to stop that. I have to confront him.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 13/10/2017 23:03

Your father lived off your immoral earnings? I think you would really benefit from talking to a counsellor or maybe someone from Women's Aid.

Original poster
Beenconned · 13/10/2017 23:05

Yes, I paid his mortgage and the only way I could continue to do so as well as paying my own bills was to become an 'escort'.

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 13/10/2017 23:05

I'm so sorry OP but it sounds like you would benefit from discussing this with a psychologist - the way you are calmly talking about him being great even though you became a sex worker in order to give him money is not ok.

bastardkitty · 13/10/2017 23:06

Please find yourself a really good therapist. You need and deserve this.

Slimthistime · 13/10/2017 23:07

Omd!!

I think perhaps you don't hate him because you fear how much you will hate him if you think about it

I'm extremely not violent and I already want to beat him up.

See a counsellor, all good wishes to you Flowers

Original poster
Beenconned · 13/10/2017 23:09

Right ok. I hear what you're saying. Yes I think I have kind of normalised it. I.e my dad was struggling to pay his bills, I stepped up, could t manage it from normal life, became a prostitute, I had a breakdown, he found out, I still continued to pay his bills (through other means), and eventually I had my own family and hoped he'd back off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beenconned · 13/10/2017 23:10

But today, and I do see him most days, he acts like a good supportive dad. So has he changed or is he just acting?

OP posts:
alltoomuchrightnow · 13/10/2017 23:14

Did your father know how you were funding the money you gave him? what did he need it for?

alltoomuchrightnow · 13/10/2017 23:14

sorry I just read what he needed it for

bastardkitty · 13/10/2017 23:14

He acts. Ypu said it yourself. He acts.

throatmanship · 13/10/2017 23:16

In hindsight, no, it's not an act. It's just how he is and how he's conditioned you. He is capable of emotional coldness to your sister but not to you because you've always done his bidding. You are the golden child, held in high esteem - especially s you stepped up to help him pay the bills (he doesn't actually care how you got the money though remember) you are there to serve his needs.

Honestly, read up about narcissism, these people are cold, hard and manipulative. He's not acting, it's how he's wired.

StaplesCorner · 13/10/2017 23:16

Stop seeing him most days. Talk to your sister, tell her you are going to get help. Get advice on counselling, do that, then decide if you will see him again.

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