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Original poster

Is this passive aggressive?

106 replies

justakiss · 13/10/2017 11:47

Sister in law. Was the only girl around (three sons) until me. Didn't really make an effort with me and looked down her nose a bit (very subtly)

Then a few things that started to upset me, but I can be a sensitive twat. They had a baby and she got everyone little gifts from the baby at Christmas time. Nothing for me (even though I was engaged at this point and there for the Christmas Day celebrations, I was the only one in the room not included in that) then my then fiances bday. She put up a collage on the wall at his parents for a bday celebration. Sort of documenting his life so far. The last section of pictures were of him with her and his brothers at her wedding. There was one picture out of about 40 of him and me. Even though we were engaged to be married and been together over three years. When she kept gushing about how much work she had put into it and how she had dashed down to boots to get photos printed out that morning I said nothing. She said "oh it was hard to find any of you two together!" Even though she is friends with me on Facebook and there are absolutely loads of pics of us on there. My best friend said "there is no way that was an accident, you would make the effort. She's a twat."I could go on, lots of little passive aggressive things, like pointing out i had made mistakes on our wedding invite with the time. Then on the morning of the wedding, instead of texting me good luck or anything...she text saying she was looking forward to the day. Was it a cash or card bar as we hadn't mentioned?! Yes that's the kind of text I have time to respond to when getting ready for a big wedding! Problem is she is really outgoing and vivacious and comes off looking like a ray of sunshine and I feel like a bitter miserable cow. I know I should take it with a pinch of salt but every gathering has me on the defensive to her little comments when to be honest I actually just would like to get on with her (which we do on the surface of things!) what would you do?

OP posts:
WhatwouldAryado · 13/10/2017 11:51

Honestly? She sounds too self absorbed to be passive aggressive. Keep her at arms length and used a stock phrase "well done you" on all these things she does. She doesn't want to get close, she wants adoration.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 13/10/2017 11:58

She has had the position of only female in that generation for a long time. She doesn't want to share that with you, or anyone else your DH might have married. It's not you, it's her. Try not to let it bother you as much, hard though that is. Maybe you need to manage your expectations with her, ie don't expect her to be any more inclusive. She is engaging in a kind of 'group closure' excercise with you. It's not the first time I have come accross this, 'you're not family' attitude. Sad though Sad

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 12:01

lots of little passive aggressive things, like pointing out i had made mistakes on our wedding invite with the time

Had you put the wrong time on your wedding invite? If so, it's not even remotely bad of her to tell you that.
You sound rather hard work, to be honest. Maybe she is awful, but you haven't really given any real examples of it here.

RedSkyAtNight · 13/10/2017 12:03

I can't see anything in that to be bothered about tbh. Unless there's more you're not saying.

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere · 13/10/2017 12:09

pointing out i had made mistakes on our wedding invite with the time

Maybe she was just being helpful?

she was looking forward to the day. Was it a cash or card bar as we hadn't mentioned?!

I don't see the big deal. 'Thanks, it's a cash bar' would have taken 5 seconds to write.

There was one picture out of about 40 of him and me

If she had them printed that morning and was in a hurry then she would have just had the pics on her phone or her fb to choose from.

All in all it just sounds like she is possibly a bit thoughtless and you are possibly a bit sensitive and you'll probably always rub each other up the wrong way so its best to stop sweating the small stuff.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 13/10/2017 12:13

I really couldnt get worked up about someone who is on the peripherals of the family. She is not your relative. She is your DHs SIL, not yours, and treat her as such.

You don't like her, eject her from your FB.

MadMags · 13/10/2017 12:18

??

Had you put the time down wrong?

Had you explained about the bar?

Some people don't see girlfriends/fiancées as family so if gifts from the baby were for family, that's understandable I suppose.

The picture thing included you, it would be worse to be left out. Ok, one picture, but it was documenting his whole life which you're a short (but significant) part of.

I don't get it.

elelfrance · 13/10/2017 12:19

not getting it either really .... if a future SIL can't ask the bride a question on the morning of the wedding, there mustn't be many people that could ...

DressedCrab · 13/10/2017 12:22

She sounds fine to me - you seem very oversensitive and quite hard work.

helpmefast · 13/10/2017 12:22

were you the only partner at the Christmas? Was there a mistake in the invitations? Was the montage from birth-adulthood If so 3 years isn't really a huge amount of time.. and had it been made clear beforehand that it was a cash/card bar?

MuggaTea · 13/10/2017 12:22

i really don't see the issue here?

you are not her sister. She will always be closer to her brothers than you. She knows them better. In many families, you give presents to siblings and not their other halves.

[disclaimer - I am female with 3 brothers, with very different, lovely SIL who never give (or receive) presents to/from me.]

Original poster
justakiss · 13/10/2017 12:26

Right then. Me being over sensitive it is. Although I guess I thought if I went out of my way to buy a personalised gift for my nephew then I wouldn't be excluded but maybe that's just me.

They are not her brothers. She is the wife of one of three boys in the family.

Oh I am hard work, as I said (oversensitive)

OP posts:
mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 12:28

Although I guess I thought if I went out of my way to buy a personalised gift for my nephew then I wouldn't be excluded but maybe that's just me

When you brought out the gift for him was she meant to time travel back to sort you a present when she was doing the others?

overnightangel · 13/10/2017 12:29

OP you sound high maintenance self involved and highly strung

"instead of texting me good luck or anything...she text saying she was looking forward to the day"

Yeah what a bitch Confused

Original poster
justakiss · 13/10/2017 12:31

There were 7 people in the room. I was the only one who wasn't acknowledged with a personalised gift. Awkward but not the end of the world. She knew I was going to be there. We all exchange gifts with each other at Christmas so it felt a bit strange. No need for such immense sarcasm about time travel but whatever floats your boat.

OP posts:
Sonders · 13/10/2017 12:31

Nothing in your post seems heinous, it just seems like you're 2 people who aren't naturally friends - and it's only a rather tenuous bond that means you see each other.

It sounds like you need to spend less energy on her and more on you, as you're letting something so minor make you bitter. Some people just don't like each other that much, and that's ok.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/10/2017 12:31

What would I do? Not a damn thing because I wouldn't care what she thought of me. Just let it go and focus on your own life.

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 12:31

Was she related to the other 6?

LovelyPrep · 13/10/2017 12:32

She sounds like she can be a bit scatty and clumsy with her delivery maybe but you sound a bit hard work like you try to find fault in whatever she does so it's not a winning combination.

Original poster
justakiss · 13/10/2017 12:33

I am highly strung (anxiety) self involved (but not self involved enough to exclude people) and the high maintenance part? Not so much...I was asking how to improve our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
justakiss · 13/10/2017 12:34

Thanks for the advice people, I don't let it bother me unless we have a gathering coming up and only then for 5 minutes. Just wanted opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
justakiss · 13/10/2017 12:36

She was related to the other 6 as an in-law. And not to me as I was not yet married into the family. So yeah, I get that. Just not something I would do...but no we were not technically related then.

OP posts:
NoMoreRoomOnTheBroom · 13/10/2017 12:36

I don't get why you're so bothered???

Just do an Elsa and LET. IT.GO.....

Original poster
justakiss · 13/10/2017 12:38

I can assure you she is not a scatty person. I do however think she irks me so I possibly find fault that isn't there or more importantly is there but I shouldn't let it bother me at all. She's actually good fun to be around and i was quite sad we didn't form more of a bond as we have a few things in common and get on well apart from this.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/10/2017 12:43

Right then. Me being over sensitive it is. Although I guess I thought if I went out of my way to buy a personalised gift for my nephew then I wouldn't be excluded but maybe that's just me.

Could you have expressed that any more passively aggressively? It is oozing from every post.

Are you scared of actually telling people straight how you feel? Statements like this: No need for such immense sarcasm about time travel but whatever floats your boat. Suggest so. You could have ignored minttea or told her to fuck off or engaged with her point or put a full stop after time travel.

Instead of stating your feelings and stopping you ended with but whatever floats your boat. That's you hiding away from her coming back at you, avoiding a discussion. You've done similar in each post.

Similar with you calling yourself oversensitive and hard work. Would it be so terrible if someone else said it without you having said it first?

Passive aggressive thinking and behaviour is wearing for you and wearing for everyone else.

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