Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this passive aggressive?

106 replies

justakiss · 13/10/2017 11:47

Sister in law. Was the only girl around (three sons) until me. Didn't really make an effort with me and looked down her nose a bit (very subtly)

Then a few things that started to upset me, but I can be a sensitive twat. They had a baby and she got everyone little gifts from the baby at Christmas time. Nothing for me (even though I was engaged at this point and there for the Christmas Day celebrations, I was the only one in the room not included in that) then my then fiances bday. She put up a collage on the wall at his parents for a bday celebration. Sort of documenting his life so far. The last section of pictures were of him with her and his brothers at her wedding. There was one picture out of about 40 of him and me. Even though we were engaged to be married and been together over three years. When she kept gushing about how much work she had put into it and how she had dashed down to boots to get photos printed out that morning I said nothing. She said "oh it was hard to find any of you two together!" Even though she is friends with me on Facebook and there are absolutely loads of pics of us on there. My best friend said "there is no way that was an accident, you would make the effort. She's a twat."I could go on, lots of little passive aggressive things, like pointing out i had made mistakes on our wedding invite with the time. Then on the morning of the wedding, instead of texting me good luck or anything...she text saying she was looking forward to the day. Was it a cash or card bar as we hadn't mentioned?! Yes that's the kind of text I have time to respond to when getting ready for a big wedding! Problem is she is really outgoing and vivacious and comes off looking like a ray of sunshine and I feel like a bitter miserable cow. I know I should take it with a pinch of salt but every gathering has me on the defensive to her little comments when to be honest I actually just would like to get on with her (which we do on the surface of things!) what would you do?

OP posts:
Deemail · 13/10/2017 12:44

So she's your dh sister in law not actual sister? She sounds very territorial and childish.
Having said that I wouldn't let it bother me at all. I'd concentrate on the relationships with the rest of the family and ignore any silliness
I do think you're been sensitive about some issues like the text the morning of the wedding. If you start to focus too much on her you'll drive yourself bonkers and see fault in everything she does

Consider her as an acquaintance/distant family not a friend or family member. Expect the same back off her and you won't end up feeling hurt.

justakiss · 13/10/2017 12:47

Wow. I really didn't realise I was so irritating. To be blunt, Most of your replies have made me feel like total shit and I'm not sure why you would respond with such venom when I was asking for advice. Not a character assassination

OP posts:
whifflesqueak · 13/10/2017 12:49

Can we go back to the wedding invitations?

Did you put the wrong time down? That is an error that I would want pointed out to me.

FairNotFair · 13/10/2017 12:53

OP, in the nicest possible way, if you're highly strung and suffer from anxiety, you might be better avoiding AIBU.

On another note, some brides might not appreciate receiving a text saying "Good luck" on their wedding day... it could be read a number of ways...

Appuskidu · 13/10/2017 12:55

I don't think it's the sister in law that's the one being passive aggressive to be honest!

No character assassination from me but I can't really see she's done anything wrong or to warrant being called PA. your posts, on the other hand are very much PA.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/10/2017 12:56

You asked Is this passive aggressive? on the board Am I Being Unreasonable?

You are being unreasonable. You are being passive aggressive.

justakiss · 13/10/2017 12:56

Yes she could possibly have thought it was a mistake due to previous information but it wasn't.

I didn't want a text saying good luck, although I wouldn't read much into that. It just struck me as strange that I received about 50 text messages that morning saying lovely things about having a wonderful day. And hers said you didn't tell anyone if it was cash or card.

OP posts:
mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 12:57

Your responses are saying a lot. From your posts she comes across as a perfectly nice person who is not your relative, whereas you are sounding judgemental, rude and spiky.

you wanted advice on how to improve your relationship with her, so my advice is to stop projecting your issues onto her when she has done nothing wrong.

justakiss · 13/10/2017 12:58

That read incorrectly- it should have read so I do understand her checking that it wasn't a mistake.

OP posts:
brasty · 13/10/2017 12:58

How can you have a better relationship with her?
By not assuming that everything she does is out to get you or hurt you.

maddiemookins16mum · 13/10/2017 12:59

I don't think YABU, the gift thing at Christmas was downright nasty.

justakiss · 13/10/2017 12:59

I actually agree to a certain extent. I think I felt a little left out so took things badly. As I lighten up about life a bit I can see that.

OP posts:
justakiss · 13/10/2017 13:00

I really don't think outlining the things that have upset me is the same as saying that everything she does is about her being out to get me. I don't think that and never have.

OP posts:
HermionesRightHook · 13/10/2017 13:02

I don't think that's oversensitive. I think that's her purposefully trying to dig at you.

I do think some of your subsequent responses have been a bit off though - is it possible you're both winding each other up a bit and vying for Alpha Female?

All you can realistically do here is smother her in kindness and nice responses to her. Not fake politeness or little pretend-to-be-nice but actually digs, just genuine kindness. Either she's not doing on purpose and you'll get closer because you're being nicer to her, or she is doing it on purpose and being nice to her will help diffuse that. Either way you win.

Hullygully · 13/10/2017 13:02

Anyone who knows seven people will be present NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE and only gets presents for six is a massive arse.

She knows what she is doing.

Thiscantreallybehappening · 13/10/2017 13:02

Sorry, but I don't think it was very nice for SIL to leave OP out of the little gifts at the Christmas gathering.

Happyemoji · 13/10/2017 13:03

Did she apologize for not getting you a gift. I would have done especially if you are new to the family and I didn't know you that well. If it was me I would have probably got you a small gift anyway.

Hullygully · 13/10/2017 13:03

And the photos thing, happened to my dsis with her dp's family.

Oh they really do know what they are doing these smiling sweetly people.

justakiss · 13/10/2017 13:03

That is excellent advice. Thanks. I think that's the way to go.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 13/10/2017 13:03

Maybe you didn't get a present from the baby because you are not blood-related to the baby? Still think it was twatty not to include you but you have to stop somewhere when you are doing something ridiculously PFB like giving people a special present from a newborn.

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 13:03

We don't know she didn't get a present, only that she didn't get a personalised present.
Although I don't know what that is.

justakiss · 13/10/2017 13:04

She knew I would be there. I was considered by everyone else as part of the family. She didn't acknowledge or apologise.

OP posts:
greedygorb · 13/10/2017 13:05

I don't think you're being over sensitive. If I did a family photo collage of someones birthday I'd go out of my way to find some with his fiancee in them. Otherwise it's just weird. Not getting you a present and so you'd be left out. Also weird and a bit shitty. I suspect your spidey senses are right - she's had her nose put out of joint. Best thing is to just leave it. Disengage and ignore.

Nanna50 · 13/10/2017 13:05

I can see where you are coming from, she was the first daughter in law and sister in law so you think maybe she thinks there is a hierarchy and she has demonstrated this by snubbing you?

I would have bought you a gift the same as everyone else in the room, whether related or not I would not exclude one person. Similar has happened to me before and it did hurt.

I would have sent 'I'm looking forward to the day' rather than 'good luck' as I think it is a nicer and more personal text. I would have asked my OH to text his brother to ask about the cash bar but maybe she thought she was including you?

When you start off on the wrong foot or feel unwelcome then every little thing is magnified and this can make you over analyse, you may just be different people.

And the big question, did you make a mistake on the invite?

justakiss · 13/10/2017 13:06

Context - I ordered an engraved item from husband and I for their baby. A keepsake really.

She done the same with footprint paint. For everyone except me.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.