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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this passive aggressive?

106 replies

justakiss · 13/10/2017 11:47

Sister in law. Was the only girl around (three sons) until me. Didn't really make an effort with me and looked down her nose a bit (very subtly)

Then a few things that started to upset me, but I can be a sensitive twat. They had a baby and she got everyone little gifts from the baby at Christmas time. Nothing for me (even though I was engaged at this point and there for the Christmas Day celebrations, I was the only one in the room not included in that) then my then fiances bday. She put up a collage on the wall at his parents for a bday celebration. Sort of documenting his life so far. The last section of pictures were of him with her and his brothers at her wedding. There was one picture out of about 40 of him and me. Even though we were engaged to be married and been together over three years. When she kept gushing about how much work she had put into it and how she had dashed down to boots to get photos printed out that morning I said nothing. She said "oh it was hard to find any of you two together!" Even though she is friends with me on Facebook and there are absolutely loads of pics of us on there. My best friend said "there is no way that was an accident, you would make the effort. She's a twat."I could go on, lots of little passive aggressive things, like pointing out i had made mistakes on our wedding invite with the time. Then on the morning of the wedding, instead of texting me good luck or anything...she text saying she was looking forward to the day. Was it a cash or card bar as we hadn't mentioned?! Yes that's the kind of text I have time to respond to when getting ready for a big wedding! Problem is she is really outgoing and vivacious and comes off looking like a ray of sunshine and I feel like a bitter miserable cow. I know I should take it with a pinch of salt but every gathering has me on the defensive to her little comments when to be honest I actually just would like to get on with her (which we do on the surface of things!) what would you do?

OP posts:
brasty · 13/10/2017 13:06

She has different ideas of who the baby should give presents to then.
This really wouldn't bother me at all.

JoJoSM2 · 13/10/2017 13:06

I think it was rude not to get you a Christmas present if you spent Christmas together and everyone exchanged prezzies.

Other than that, you cone across very insecure and sensitive.

brasty · 13/10/2017 13:07

Maybe she saw you and your fiancee gave a join present, so she gave a joint present back. I don't see anything wrong with that. Why should she give you an individual one?

Happyemoji · 13/10/2017 13:07

All you can realistically do here is smother her in kindness and nice responses to her.

One more thing to add to that tell her and others how well you are getting on. Tell them about any courses or promotions at work or how well the kids are getting on. She will get bored soon and back off.

JoJoSM2 · 13/10/2017 13:07

Wasn't the footprint for you and your husband? If you expected a separate one, then you're being ridiculous.

Nanna50 · 13/10/2017 13:08

sorry cross post not a mistake on the invite just a misunderstanding

justakiss · 13/10/2017 13:09

Haha the big question. There was a discrepancy on the time I had written in MILs invite and her invite as they were handwritten. So legit to question it.

You have hit the nail on the head of how i felt about the bar question on the morning of the wedding. Maybe just take both? Maybe ask the groom or MIL.

OP posts:
futuremrsconnor85 · 13/10/2017 13:09

Hmmm. I'd be pretty hurt about the photo thing but the rest of it doesn't sound too bad. I know how you feel though as my OH is one of four (3 boys and a girl) and it took me a while to bond with his sister. I'm very sensitive too.
I think the wedding text thing is totally fine though. Whilst some people would have carefully crafted a text saying they were thinking about you, others don't overthink this stuff.

You may never be best friends, and that's ok. Try to get on, be civil and to do right by her. Then at least you know you have tried.

brasty · 13/10/2017 13:10

Don't you see Op that she could say the same as you about presents?

Why did my future SIL not give me a present for the baby. I got 1 present and future SIL said it was from her and her fiancee.

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 13:11

Wasn't the tacky footprint thing for both of you?

brasty · 13/10/2017 13:11

In the nicest possible way OP, you are over thinking and being over sensitive here.

justakiss · 13/10/2017 13:11

It wasn't a joint one. It has uncle jack (not real name lol) written on it. It was painfully obvious I was either forgotten or excluded.

OP posts:
Happyemoji · 13/10/2017 13:12

Why didn't she ask the mil or the night before?

Maybe she is not that organized.

justakiss · 13/10/2017 13:12

I got a present for the baby and separate ones for them to answer that question.

OP posts:
brasty · 13/10/2017 13:12

I still think you are being over sensitive, sorry.

justakiss · 13/10/2017 13:14

I do acknowledge I am over sensitive. Some people may not have even noticed?! Although I suspect if it happened they would.

OP posts:
mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 13:15

Had she just had a baby though? There is a slight chance that a present for her husbands brothers girlfriend wasn't at the top of her list of things to do.....

brasty · 13/10/2017 13:15

I would have noticed about xmas present. Not everything else. Or everything else would have been at most a minor irritant that was quickly forgotten,

Happyemoji · 13/10/2017 13:16

Ignore her and talk about how well you are getting on. It will piss her off soon and she will start showing her true colours.

ittakes2 · 13/10/2017 13:22

Her brother has chosen to spend the rest of his life with you - yes I think she's trying to make you feel like she's more important than you. You won't change her - you need to lower your expectations and therefore you won't be dissappointed.

Whistle73 · 13/10/2017 13:22

Can't believe you're bothered about not getting a gift of an unrelated baby's footprint. I mean what would you even do with it anyway?

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 13/10/2017 13:23

I think you are right. Others will have picked up on it too. Leave her to it. Or have a laugh about it to others so they recognise it's going on but that it's not bothering you.

The stepsister in Law did similar stuff to me and my daughter. My Stepmother in Law pulled her up on it. This, along with lots of other shit caused a massive falling out and she's now no contact with most of her family. I'm really glad I didn't react to it and stayed out of the hot zone as I'd hate to have been directly involved in the fall out.

diddl · 13/10/2017 13:23

I suppose at the time of the gift you weren't actually "Auntie Just".

Best thing is to try not to look for slights everywhere.

justakiss · 13/10/2017 13:24

I must have been unclear sorry.

She is not my husbands brother. She is married to his brother. She is his sister in law.

OP posts:
2014newme · 13/10/2017 13:24

I would not give my brothers wife a seperate gift from the baby.
Yabu

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