Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell SIL to come up with her own wedding ideas?!

114 replies

IrrelevantPeasant · 12/10/2017 20:23

DH and I got married 4 years ago on a beach abroad. It was only us and a couple of close family members. SIL is now planning her own wedding and wants to get married on the same beach, have a similar style wedding cake and is wanting to order the same bloody flowers I had 4 years ago. I am livid! It was our wedding and she's basically doing everything we did all over again. I know in the scheme of things this is a bit petty but AIBU to ask her to consider at least a different beach?! She's an intelllegent, creative woman so no idea why she can't come up with her own ideas.

OP posts:
spamm · 13/10/2017 03:49

You could have so much fun. Tell her you were never happy with your wedding pictures, so you are planning to bring your dress and DH will wear the same suit and you are going to have your wedding album reshot. Tell her you are sure she will not mind, and can you borrow the setting after they are married. Also, can you use the cake to restage your cake cutting, nobody will notice. This could be a blast!

BigFatGoalie · 13/10/2017 05:24

Yes it may be a bit odd, and possibly a bit annoying, but is it honestly worth getting upset about?!
Get a grip, there are far more important things to worry about that this!
And dont sit through the ceremony with a cat’s bum face of disapproval either. Make peace with it and let it go, I doubt she’ll be changing her plans anytime soon.

beingsunny · 13/10/2017 05:33

Can anyone really remember the flowers and cake of weddings they attended?

Why does it matter?

Columbine1 · 13/10/2017 05:39

Really? Let it go.
Don't moan about it & please don't get yr DH to goad his sister!

McTufty · 13/10/2017 05:42

Definitely weird, but not worth getting upset about. It is years since your wedding. If she was getting married before you I could see how it might take the shine off your wedding, but she isn’t, and it doesn’t.

Take it as a bizarre compliment and have a lovely day celebrating with her!

JWrecks · 13/10/2017 06:10

I think it's strange and a little creepy, but that my be because my own sister has a "friend" who's basically been trying to "single white female" her entire life, only everything about a year later.

When my DS got her first job in a very small boutique, this girl went and got a job there as well. When my sister moved out of the small village where we all grew up and into a big city, this girl followed, and even moved into the same block of flats. When my sister chose her university, specifically for a strong and streamlined professional programme, this girl chose the same uni, but for no "real" reason. That's all fine, she wanted to be near her friend. But it gets weirder.

When my sister started getting really serious with her now-DH, this girl decided she needed a (her first) serious boyfriend. She latched onto the first man who would have her. When my sister got engaged, this girl started pressuring her boyfriend into marriage.

She also insisted on the exact same engagement ring that my sister ended up getting, which is bizarre because this girl is generally NOT a materialistic person, but she threw an absolute shitfit with her DP over the ring. My sister's DH was very lucky to be fairly high earning for his age at the time, so her ring was more expensive than this girl's DP could afford. Yet this mild-mannered and not at all materialistic girl actually nearly called off the engagement over the ring, because it had to be the exact same ring as my DS has.

Then she insisted on the exact same wedding - same colours, nearly identical dress(!!), same venue, same time of year (a year later), everything. The only reason she didn't get the identical dress is because it was already discontinued when my sister bought hers, and it was a miracle that she was ever able to find it. And the venue issue is ridiculous because, without getting into details, the venue is VERY obscure but holds an intense personal connection for my sister and me, and really only us.

And of course we saw at the wedding - the exact same wedding we'd just been to a year previously - that the wedding bands were identical to my DS's as well. It was only at that point, IIRC, that this girl's DP realised that she was copying my DS, as that was the first time he'd seen my BIL's identical wedding band.

Then, when my sister had her children, precious and dearly wanted children that she'd planned and even saved money for her entire life... guess who got pregnant immediately after? Without ever really having thought about having children before? And she didn't even have any shame about telling my sister outright that the only reason she wanted to get pregnant was because my sister had kids! She is actually a pretty rotten mum and doesn't even enjoy her poor kids, leaves her long suffering DH to handle basically everything, and still admits that the only reason she had them - two of them - was that my sister had two DC. She only really interacts with them to post milestone pics on facebook that are startlingly similar to ones that my DS has posted.

Anyway. So, yes, I find it strange when somebody wants to copy your wedding. I don't like it in general, either, though I suppose that may just be me being petty? Sure, it could be because the person copying yours simply thought your wedding was lovely and it's a complimentary gesture more than anything, but I still wouldn't like it, myself.

I think a person's wedding day is a very special, and very personal, thing, something into which we've put months and months of effort - and many of us, years and years of thought and mental planning! - in order to make it uniquely our own! I would be pretty annoyed if somebody just took all of my ideas for themselves.

But, then again, as PP have said, I don't know what you could do or say about it without coming across as strange. =\

JWrecks · 13/10/2017 06:11

WOW! SORRY! That post turned out waaaaay longer than it looked in the little text box!! Sorry!

It's a crazy story if you're interested in reading through it all, though!

MaisyPops · 13/10/2017 06:26

Wow jwreks. My sister had a friend like that in school. We'd lose random items of clothing, cassettes, CDs etc and my sister would be getting into trouble for not checking carefully after sleepovers etc.

Turns out one friend was 'borrowing' them.

Same.friend who would only want to play with her at playtime, get annoyed if DS walked home with someone else (lived in opposite directions), didn't like it if I was around when she came to play. Very odd girl.

emmyrose2000 · 13/10/2017 06:28

I too think it's weird. SIL comes across as pretty pathetic TBH. What's missing in her life and/or relationship that she needs to copy OP?

This isn't the slightest bit the same as using the same local church. By the sounds of it, this beach is a pretty obscure wedding location. There are hundreds of different designs for wedding cakes, flowers, etc, so there's no need to copy OP's.

JWrecks - that really does have single white female vibes about it!

IWouldLikeToKnow · 13/10/2017 06:37

I genuinely would be flattered (whilst also thinking it was a bit weird). I would be livid if I was planning my wedding and then she got in there before me and copied it. But after your wedding, everyone will see that it was that she liked yours so much that she wants the same.

AccrualIntentions · 13/10/2017 06:44

Of course it's weird, but "livid"? Come on! Apart from the venue, no one else will even notice that some other details are the same. I can't remember anyone's wedding cake or flowers apart from my own, other people rarely give a shit about any of that.

But if people think it's weird and copycat, it's her wedding they'll be thinking that about, not yours. Yours was first, it's been and gone quite some time ago.

Temporary2002 · 13/10/2017 07:19

I think she really loved your wedding and it has become her ideal wedding. You could try and plant a seed of another location to marry. Maybe find a really nice or unique wedding on youtube and tell her if you could do it again, you'd do it that way?

Goosegrass · 13/10/2017 07:19

That would really bloody annoy me too. Have you said anything to her about it?

MrsHathaway · 13/10/2017 07:39

I think it's weird, but only nicely and gently so.

Assuming the beach has no family significance fro DH family.

The family significance is that DH got married there! A wedding is both sides, not just the bride. I KNOW but maybe she really has decided It's the apogee of wedding aspiration.

Also, for when it comes up, having the same name as your cousin is fun and not confusing Grin

ZoeWashburne · 13/10/2017 10:05

If this makes you livid, what makes you absolutely, blindly, Hulk-smash enraged? People who don't use the oxford comma? People who say haytch instead of aytch? Your life must be so exhausting if this makes you livid.

I just cannot believe a grown woman would be livid over a party. It just reminds me of the kids on that MTV show 'my super sweet 16' who would compete over parties and be complete brats over vulgar displays of wealth.

TheABC · 13/10/2017 10:12

My sister wanted the same venue/wedding type as mine - I took it as a compliment. However, she did pick her own style of dress (thank gods: she would have looked horrible in mine), different cake etc. If SIL is carbon copying your wedding, it is a bit weird. But that's her issue, not yours. Just enjoy turning up without any of the organising stress!

FreakinScaryCaaw · 13/10/2017 20:45

Jwrecks why does your ds bother with SWF?

JWrecks · 14/10/2017 05:53

@FreakinScaryCaaw Oops, just saw this.

I have asked her the same question surely hundreds of times! It seems DS refuses to break any kind of contact, ever, I guess. She over stretches her self day after day trying to keep up with social "obligations" with what seems like everyone she's ever known, and run a household, raise a family, work a very demanding job, and volunteer a church as well. We all grew up together (SWF lived on the corner opposite us growing up), and I guess she feels obligated to maintain contact?

Though in the past couple years, she has seen less and less of her. I don't think they really even chat that often anymore, but every now and again DS will call me with "guess who [did a creepy thing]?" or "want to hear the latest on SWF?"

But to answer your question: I just really don't know.

Papafran · 14/10/2017 06:08

JWrecks that does sound a bit extreme. However, it sounds pretty nasty as well- 'the first man who would have her' and 'never given any thought to having kids before' and 'a pretty rotten mum who only posts milestone updates on facebook'. It may be easy to think this when you are slagging her off for being crazy or whatever. Most people who have kids have not been saving money their whole life for some future hypothetical kids. Why is it strange that a woman who has just gotten married should decide to have 2 children?

The copying the wedding thing is strange but it's horrible to dismiss all of this woman's family relationships to wanting to copy your sister. I had a friend who did similar- she got engaged and then another of her friends did and she was furious- convinced she was copying her and saying she must have been dropping heavy hints. I guess some people really are that self-centred.

It's clear your sister is not her friend (due to laughing and gossiping about her behind her back) so she should cut contact altogether.

Shantotto · 14/10/2017 06:17

I went to a close friends wedding last week. His bride wore the same style of dress I want to wear, they had the same transport I'd plan to have, and they also had the same style of cake!

Does this mean when I eventually get married - probably in the next year or two - I can't now have these things I've always wanted to have? Will I be copying them just because they managed to marry before me?

Papafran · 14/10/2017 06:23

Does this mean when I eventually get married - probably in the next year or two - I can't now have these things I've always wanted to have? Will I be copying them just because they managed to marry before me?

Yes, you would clearly be a psycho if you did. You must immediately change all your plans. Actually, the very fact that you are getting married the year after your friend is very concerning. Did you bully your fiancee into proposing? I presume you have a ring as well? Grin

Basically it's nice that people think they are being very original with their wedding ideas but nearly every single one has been done to death by countless others and is not original at all. I guess if you are spending so much money, you want to believe it is totally unique.

So yes, in response, I would hope nobody would think you were copying but if they did, they would be the ones with the problem, not you.

Littlechip · 14/10/2017 06:44

YANBU OP. I haven’t wanted to go back to my wedding venue as it holds lots of happy memories of the day for me. I wouldn’t want my memories of the day to be mixed with someone else’s wedding, especially if that person had actually been to your wedding and knows they’re just recreating yours. I’d be pretty livid too.

JWrecks · 14/10/2017 07:29

@Papafran I'm not making assumptions here, and I'm not dismissing anything meaningful. These are things that this girl has told my sister and/or others. This is my sister's best friend through childhood and well into adulthood (though I'm not sure they are "best" friends anymore), so she's a person I also know very well myself. I'm not just assuming that she never wanted or planned for children; she has said as much to me. She told my DS that she only had kids because DS did. She demonstrably and admittedly does not actually like her children, does everything she can to spend as little time with or effort on them as possible. I watched her dive straight into marriage with the first man she ever even tried dating, and I listened to her tell me that she doesn't like him all that much, but he'll do. And on and on.

My DS does not laugh about these things. They aren't really funny. She tells me occasionally when SWF does something extreme, and venting to your sister when your friend frustrates you doesn't mean you're not truly a friend. Friends can get frustrating, even real ones. My sister goes out of her way to help this girl, spend time with her, talk her through issues, do/exchange favours, and all the things that friends do for each other (though, as I've said, I personally don't understand why). DS goes out of her way and runs herself ragged to be her friend.

Papafran · 14/10/2017 09:10

I still find that hard to buy, sorry, that she has no interest or affection for her children beyond wanting to copy your sister. You haven't mentioned divorce so I presume she is still married to the first man who would have her as well.

Maybe she has low self-esteem and always felt that your sister was superior and that she had to compete with her. Who knows. Presumably if she mistreats and neglects her children to such an extent, you or your sister can make a report to social services.

Snog · 14/10/2017 09:38

Sounds to me like she just wants a low effort Wedding. Which I think is fair enough.