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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell SIL to come up with her own wedding ideas?!

114 replies

IrrelevantPeasant · 12/10/2017 20:23

DH and I got married 4 years ago on a beach abroad. It was only us and a couple of close family members. SIL is now planning her own wedding and wants to get married on the same beach, have a similar style wedding cake and is wanting to order the same bloody flowers I had 4 years ago. I am livid! It was our wedding and she's basically doing everything we did all over again. I know in the scheme of things this is a bit petty but AIBU to ask her to consider at least a different beach?! She's an intelllegent, creative woman so no idea why she can't come up with her own ideas.

OP posts:
Santawontbelong · 12/10/2017 22:11

Maybe it's your actual relationship that's she is envious of not the wedding itself. .
I would be pd off but a bit chuffed also!!

SleepingStandingUp · 12/10/2017 22:12

But the fact that OP did something very particular makes her SIL copying her now weird.

These days there might be a family church where everyone gets married but people tend to do the other bits differently. Even my friend and her brother who both had their reception on the same farm used different fields, different "ammomodation", different cake etc

LellyMcKelly · 12/10/2017 22:13

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. She liked your venue, flowers and cake. So what? It doesn't diminish your wedding in any way. If she starts wearing the same clothes as you, adopts the same hairstyle, starts hanging out with your friends, and decorates her home the same as yours, then it's time to get worried.

GreenTulips · 12/10/2017 22:16

Why not suggest you and DH could renew your vows while your there?

You could do it straight after

KoolKoala07 · 12/10/2017 22:17

I think it's odd op. Our best man and partner are having the same venue, same photographer, same makeup lady, some of the same food and even the same bloody month. Alot of the guests will be the same aswell as best man is is a family member. And him and Dh share the same group of friends. I just think how sad they can't use their own ideas. ours was obviously so good they've decided to copy it.

peanut2017 · 12/10/2017 22:17

Personally this wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I love recommending suppliers to people. My sister is getting married in December and she is using the hairdresser, person who did our cake and she tried to get our photographer but she was booked out.

What is your relationship like with your sil?

NoodleNooNoo · 12/10/2017 22:23

Something similar just happened to me. We were on a limited budget so I made all the invitations, bouquets, buttonholes, church flowers, table centrepieces, names cards and favours myself. All made using pine cones. A couple we invited fell in love with our church so booked their wedding there too. For the same weekend of the same month 2 years later. Invitations almost the same. Same hotel after. Pine cones everywhere. Place settings the same. I wouldn't have minded so much if I just bought it all or paid someone else to do it but the hours I spent making everything and to see it copied. I know it doesn't really matter but it really got on my nerves.

BackInTheRoom · 12/10/2017 22:25

Unless you have under lying issues with your SIL, I reckon you should feel really chuffed she thought your wedding was so spot on she wants to recreate it. Tbh the whole island thing sounds fab OP! ☀️🍹🍍🌴👙

coddiwomple · 12/10/2017 22:37

In real life, that's just really weird, and I would get more than annoyed too.

It's lovely when the whole family gets married in the same church, have the reception in the same family house garden because it means something.

When it's a beach abroad and they could chose completely different countries, it's at best thoughtless. She is the one who is looking silly for copying you, don't let it spoil your own thing. I hope it's not the same date, and she won't tag along when you go back to the same place to celebrate your own anniversary.

SirGawain · 12/10/2017 22:41

It was our wedding. And hers will be hers wherever it is held and in whatever form it takes. Lots of my family have been married in the same church as us but it does not detract from our wedding in any way.

TheCraicDealer · 12/10/2017 22:55

My hairdresser was telling me her SIL is doing the same- she’s been married about four years too, the SIL has booked the same room in the same (admittedly v popular) hotel, same cars, same style of dress, same band and the same colour scheme. Again many of the guests will be family they’ll probably feel a bit deja vu about the whole thing. It just sounded sad really on the part of the SIL, that she was so unconfident in her own choices that she had to copy someone else’s decisions.

There are so many different options with everything wedding-related these days that it can be daunting, but it also makes it even more obvious when people do the same thing. I suppose maybe that beach has really fond memories of their own trip for your wedding- that’s the part i’d be least bothered about tbh as 99% of beaches look the same.

KC225 · 12/10/2017 23:02

Four years ago and livid. Cone on. I thought she would be getting married a few months after you.

Trust me, the fine detail of your wedding only matters to you four years down the line.

Relax and enjoy

pp2017 · 12/10/2017 23:10

My best mate bought a very similar wedding dress to mine.... different material and colour but had the same very distinctive design feature that was the reason I chose my dress.

I was livid, but no one else seemed to see the likeness 😳

I feel your pain OP - it’s weird!!

mintteaandbananabread · 12/10/2017 23:18

I can't say anything without looking like the crazy one

There's a reason for that you know.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/10/2017 23:19

DH should mildly take the piss out of his sister for copying him and point out that people will think it weird and be talking about that instead of the actual wedding.

You can't say anything, DH has to do it. You pretend not to know.

He could ask if she also wants to copy what you did on your wedding night. He could offer to draw diagrams for her.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 12/10/2017 23:29

Was your sil invited to your wedding? Were your in-laws upset at your having a small personal service op?

I'm wondering if this is her way of appeasing those family members who were not invited, almost a passive aggressive anything you can do, I can do better? If not, does she generally look up to you, admire your style ? Is the venue abroad or somewhere local that your dh introduced you to? I'm just wondering if venue holds a special meaning to both your dh and sil.

Justnapping · 12/10/2017 23:32

Soooo weird! Why would anyone copy their SIL's wedding?! Tbf though to anyone that knows you both she's going to look like the freak, not you.

steff13 · 12/10/2017 23:34

I think it's weird, but I don't think it's anything to be upset about. I doubt many people remember your wedding in as much detail as you do. Obviously they'll recognize the venue, but flowers, cakes, etc., all kind of blend together after a while.

shakingmyhead1 · 13/10/2017 02:40

ring her up and offer her your dress and bridesmaid dresses (and anything else you had) she might see that she is (subconsciously?) remaking your exact wedding

Ploppie4 · 13/10/2017 03:03

Are you 12? Seems such a silly thing to take offence to

Batteriesallgone · 13/10/2017 03:06

It's weird. And not the same as family all using the local church FGS. How did you manage not to say something sarky when you first found out!

whyhastherumgone · 13/10/2017 03:10

I think it's weird. Particularly as OP states it's not a commonly used beach for weddings - and it's not just the venue she's copying. Agree that DH should say something, perhaps in a jokey manner. But other people will be thinking it odd too, even if it doesn't seem like they are saying so. It's all very well people saying try to be flattered but I know what you mean, especially when you put so much thought into your own celebrations.

At least she didn't get in before you with your ideas. When I got engaged I bumped into my cousin while visiting my nan - we're not close and quite frankly don't like each other and have never got on, so it was all faux brightness and chit chat for my nan's sake. She studied my engagement ring for quite a while, asked loads of questions about the venue we'd booked - i thought she was making an effort to be properly friendly.

Two months later she was engaged with an almost identical ring to mine that she had picked herself - told myself this could easily be coincidence. But then heard through the family grapevine that she had tried to book our venue [there were five different packages and room combinations available and she picked he exact same one we were having] for the month prior to our wedding. But couldn't actually afford to do it so quickly, so had to ask to borrow money from my nan to do it, who politely declined.
Ended up getting married elsewhere two years later and told anyone who would listen that she was going to pick [insert name of our venue here] but then realised it wasn't grand or stylish enough for them. Her wedding dress was an almost carbon copy of mine, as was her veil, flowers, table centrepieces and they booked the same photographer. We weren't invited but all the family was and were quite bemused by it. My fault for being an oversharer and putting so many pictures on Facebook I guess!

sykadelic · 13/10/2017 03:32

I too think it's odd in the face of the certain beach only available by boat etc, but have you asked her her reasons why? Maybe that beach at your wedding was a turn in her relationship? Maybe she loved your cake? Maybe those flowers were always her favorite?

It's most likely she doesn't remember half of the specific little details of your wedding and neither will her guests.

I'd probably say something to her along the line of "Oh that sounds a lot like our wedding! Did you want any tips on where we got our stuff?"

At the end of the day you'll not really care about her wedding photos, you'll not really care about where her wedding was at all. This is about her having a wonderful day and something about your wedding was amazing for her so she wants to recreate it. Maybe helping her do so will make you feel better (having the likeness addressed at least).

Plus perhaps it'll be a nice little vacation for your guys, it'll be around your 5 year anniversary/year right?

Reppin · 13/10/2017 03:34

No one else will remember or notice the details of your wedding. Or even care. Why are you livid? It has been four years!!!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/10/2017 03:48

Go a few days earlier than everyone else, visit the beach, reclaim your memories and go to their wedding with a happy heart.