I am so ashamed

[strugglingsososomuch]

I don't fit in. People think I am weird. I dress in shapeless and inappropriate (not revealing, just not "right") clothes for my very corporate job. I want to run away and hide, hide, hide. When I look at people my eyes dart even when I'm willing them not to and trying to be bright/sunny/friendly/attractive/nice. I can see that I am making them uncomfortable. I don't want this pain to continue. I can't see a way out. I want a fresh start and I want to be normal.

I forget to title the photos, thats young Merkel, young Clinton and younger Christine Lagarde

I think they are probably putting a lot more work into it than you think, they probably stress over all the same stuff

Yep all the bullshit is exhausting.

@dangermouseisace

www.sephora.fr/Maquillage/Levres/Rouge-a-Levres/Rouge-lip-tint-L-encre-a-levres/P2818022

Revolutionary, it's an ink stain and doesn't budge!

Oh struggling - I was like you for years. Still am, a lot of the time. I reckon you are actually quite gorgeous and are super sensitive to how people may perceive you and the way you look. I think I am perhaps a bit autistic. I never fitted in or felt confident. I was a party person, but really struggled in social situations (often drinking FAR too much to cope). It's easy to ask you to stop being hard on yourself. You live in your skin. I moved away, coped on my own, had babies and looked after them with no knowledge of how to look after babies...I think those experiences gave me a little faith in my abilities and enabled me to be accepted a little (still don't really fit in with most social groups). Unlike you, I was never good at any job and had no professional polish. I now know SO many people who feel the same way that I did/you do. It's surprisingly common! These kindred spirits seem like normal, functioning people, with a touch of anxiety. Deep down, they feel a bit overwhelmed and 'not good enough'. Try and talk to someone again - The Samaritans if you feel desperate. Don't feel ashamed. Please

Yes had all this years ago never felt i fitted in anywhere still stated my own company 30 years ago and since that time don't give a shit what anyone things or other I'm alright Jack thanks:)

Just wondering strugglingsososomuch are you in the right job?. Is it your choice or was it expected of you by parents or similar pressures?.

Yes had all this years ago never felt i fitted in anywhere still stated my own company 30 years ago and since that time don't give a shit what anyone thinks or other I'm alright Jack thanks:)

Just wondering strugglingsososomuch are you in the right job?. Is it your choice or was it expected of you by parents or similar pressures?.

I often feel like I can detect what people are feeling in the room i.e. sense discomfort/easily see when other people feel similar to me. I almost feel like I have heightened awareness????

Have a look at this, Struggling: hsperson.com

Not saying it will solve everything, but at least it's a start. The book is pretty good - I remember the validation more than the strategies to be honest. I think you have some combination of depression, anxiety, and toxic deep-rooted beliefs about not being good enough (parents? school?) and the clothes are a red herring. I suspect you are completely normal-looking, in fact probably attractive.

all those autistic traits ring true but amongst my friends I can be sparky, funny, silly - and have high emotional intelligence. I often feel like I can detect what people are feeling in the room i.e. sense discomfort/easily see when other people feel similar to me. I almost feel like I have heightened awareness????

I'm thinking autistic spectrum too. Eye contact, smart but look wrong/feel wrong. A total myth that you would lack emotional intelligence - on the contrary, you probably have a super-efficient database whirring away in your head that enables you to map what you observe and experience in others onto every observation and experience you have ever had and therefore understand what it means and how to decode it. No wonder you are sparky, you're firing on all cylinders all the time, it must be exhausting. I'm speaking from experience, OP. You are definitely not alone.

Do go and have a good chat with a GP - tell them everything you have written here including that you sometimes feel you want to die.

You sound as if you have a good job with good prospects- getting a job like that is a real achievement so be proud of yourself for that.
I bet the women you think are perfect actually have insecurities too and I doubt you are weird or look as awful as you think..

Do go and have a good chat with a GP - tell them everything you have written here including that you sometimes feel you want to die.

You sound as if you have a good job with good prospects- getting a job like that is a real achievement so be proud of yourself for that.
I bet the women you think are perfect actually have insecurities too and I doubt you are weird or look as awful as you think..

I lurk a lot and don't often post, but your OP really struck a chord with me.

I often feel ashamed of how I look, and when I was younger, I had depression and frequent suicidal thoughts. I've never had a long-term relationship: I don't have kids or a family and loneliness can really screw with my perspective and put me back in a bad place.

Things that helped me:

• finding a job I loved and feeling valued for my brain.
• finding women who aren't conventionally attractive who I respect, to see as role models.
• going out without make up - when I'm brave enough! - and realising that people treat me no differently whether I'm groomed or scruffy. I know this isn't about make up - but it made me realise that most people don't notice or don't care how I look.
• seeing a therapist and learning cbt techniques to change how I think.

On a hideous corporate away day once, a trainer asked us to write down our biggest short term fears (for that minute or that day) and our biggest long-term fears. Short-term: 90% mentioned the away day - looking stupid, embarrassing ourselves, spending the day with no-one to talk to.

The point being - we all get worried about the same things. When you feel self-conscious that people are looking at you and judging you, the vast majority are worrying about the same thing.

Sorry posted twice

Hi struggling - I too was like you for years and years, and used to think people must actually feel repulsed by me, as I was soo ugly and socially inept, could never 'banter' with the ease that everyone else did, laughed too loudly at a not-funny joke, or not loudly enough at a funny one. Just felt clumsy, ugly and SO self-conscious. And, yes, the overriding emotion was SHAME. This feeling probably went on till my late twenties/early thirties when I met a wonderful, kind, sensitive, good man, got married and had babies, and had other people to worry about all the time rather than myself!

Now I look back on those times and think, bloody hell, what on EARTH was I worrying about? I was gorgeous! A bit gauche, a bit awkward, perhaps, a bit over-sensitive (I am another sensitive type that can pick up on everyone's feelings and moods) - yes, but nothing worse or more hideous than that.

If I were to speak to my younger self now, I'd tell her very, very gently to get a grip, and realise that most people actually aren't that interested in enough in you to give you more than a second's thought - they've got their own crap going on! And I'd also tell her to stop spending all her money on trying to make herself look right to 'fit in', as well as on all that booze to give her confidence/drown out her feelings (another fellow 'party girl' too), and instead invest in some really good counselling, to get some perspective on why she feels this way and how to learn how to heal. (mine was rooted in an early trauma and cold, emotionally distant parents, but that's another story..).

I second all the posters saying that they bet you are actually quite gorgeous and just being incredibly hard on yourself because of these feelings. Don't believe the nasty voice in your head telling you all this crap, it is rubbish! You may never feel super confident in your own skin (I still don't) but I can definitely 'fake till I make it' now, and I genuinely worry more now about what I think of other people, than what they think of me.

Hello!

Just seconding what everyone else is saying - please see your GP.

After that - is it the environment that isn’t right for you? I used to work in banking in Canary Wharf and hated it - I did not fit in! I moved out of London and work in the Civil Service now. It’s not perfect but I can wear White Stuff clothes to work and the office is full of strange people who don’t fit in! Not that you are strange!

all those autistic traits ring true but amongst my friends I can be sparky, funny, silly - and have high emotional intelligence. I often feel like I can detect what people are feeling in the room i.e. sense discomfort/easily see when other people feel similar to me. I almost feel like I have heightened awareness????

Hi op - I recognise so much of this. Yes, there could be autistic traits, something I’ve asked myself, however I teach children with ASD and I know actually I have had social anxiety in the past. A person with ASD would probably not care too much about what they wear compared to others in the way you are. (But always exceptions ). You’ve become hyper vigilant which is an anxiety symptom. The thing is that many people with asd suffer terribly from anxiety which is where there can be confusion in symptoms.

There’s another type of person at the far polar opposite of ASD, who are hyper sensitive to others, I’m like this, can sense mood etc, almost over sense it. They might be called hyper sensitive people (can’t quite remember) but there’s been research about them - I remember thinking ‘oh that’s me’ and ‘oh that’s not too far from an asd type’. Age has really helped me confidence wise. Incidentally, I was always worse when my thyroid was under active; paranoia or social anxiety can be a symptom (massive mn cliche I know! But it’s a very clear symptom for me).

I think going to the gp would be a good idea, you may need more than counselling, eg CBT. Beta blockers really helped me too. (Not my thyroid though!)

I remember having to constantly check how I looked - as if I had to be In control. I feel fine with friends and family, relaxed etc. Feeling out of control, not the same, not fitting in are all social anxiety things. Especially worrying what others are thinking of you or how you don’t fit in. You could be suffering from work stress without realising it?

These are good resources:

www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/shynesssocialphobia.asp

www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/anxiety.asp

social anxiety is definitely true. definitely. and constantly having to check how I look, yes. almost obsessively! at one point I thought I suffered from body dysmorphia...

Oh yes and they eye thing can be asd related but also classically depression and anxiety. I’m very aware of when I’m not great I don’t want to meet eyes.

I used to pretend I was trying on clothes in order to check in a mirror in a shop at university. I think it was extreme depression and anxiety. But I did start to get physically ill with my thyroid at that point too.

I was seriously struggling to fit in - but mainly as many of the people I had met were really not like I was. I later on met ‘my type’ of person, philosophical and cultural types, slightly alternative into radio 4 and slightly less mainstream music types.

Do you think you’ve always felt like this or has this come on more recently?

I agree there could be autism; I do want to hasten caution as so many symptoms are similar to anxiety, depression and social anxiety. Which is why it can be so hard to diagnose in women.

OP, would you consider a Topshop personal shopper? They have some nice work attire now, in all sizes etc, it's free, no obligation to buy etc. No downside.

Also if you're overweight, exercise won't help much. You need to eat less it's as simple as that.

You sound like you're being far too hard in yourself, and in the nicest possible way, you'd be surprised about how little time people spend thinking about you or indeed anyone else, most people are fairly self centred.
I hope you get the help you need.

struggling I have AS. I was diagnosed as an adult.

The lack of emotional intelligence etc is a common misconception.

I come across as quite socially accomplished but the best way I can describe it is that my social interactions are like 'facsimiles' and I always feel a little out of sync.

I would agree that Aspergirls is a brilliant book.

Agree with mirrors - I do that!

Re. weight - I really don't eat that much at all. I'm not fat, just flabby and very small so weight has nowhere to go! My frame suits someone v slender and I am not that right now - it just doesn't look good on me. Not morbidly obese or anything!!

Social anxiety is definitely an issue with me. More so than ASD I would say... I feel like I come across as rude as I blank people if walking past sometimes as feel so ugly and deficient that I just can't bring myself to make eye contact!! Almost like they can't see me if I can't see them?! Every day I say to myself... Tomorrow/next week/next month will be a new day... I will look good and feel good.

When I look good, I feel on top of the world and can be the life and soul of the party! I am confident and at ease. I am fun to be around. Male conversation, dare I say it, is not difficult to come by when I look and feel good. Life is better

I suffer with anxiety and can relate to the heightened awareness/eye avoidance/wanting to disappear and be ignored/not as good as others characteristics. I take a low dose of Sertraline and have had hypnotherapy. I take a LOT of exercise and this helps me to balance myself. Please see your GP at the very least.

OP I'm so sorry to hear that you feel like this . How are you feeling now? Have you had a chance to have some dinner and to relax this evening? That may make you feel a bit better. Keep posting