I am so ashamed

[strugglingsososomuch]

I don't fit in. People think I am weird. I dress in shapeless and inappropriate (not revealing, just not "right") clothes for my very corporate job. I want to run away and hide, hide, hide. When I look at people my eyes dart even when I'm willing them not to and trying to be bright/sunny/friendly/attractive/nice. I can see that I am making them uncomfortable. I don't want this pain to continue. I can't see a way out. I want a fresh start and I want to be normal.

Can you afford a colour / style session with colour me beautiful or house of colour?

Did wonders for my confidence.

Can you ask a trust friend or family member to tell you 3 nice things about you?

Struggling go read Aspergirls. Brilliant book.

And yes, we've all heard that "autistic people are not emotionally sensitive" and it's total nonsense. Autistic people find it hard to detach their own emotions from other people's emotions - they are like radio antennae, picking up and magnifying the emotions in the room around them (that's part of the neurology - much less boundaried sense of self and identity than neurotypical people have). If you find yourself acutely aware of the emotional currents around you, and swept up in them, then that's another potential trait.

Do one of those online autism quotient tests. Autistic people really do have ninja powers, but have to give themselves time to come to terms with how they are unlike the majority of the people around them

I think you need to go to your GP and tell them what you have said here.
You sound really down and you don't deserve it.
No one is perfect, we are all just getting along as best as possible, you are not the odd one out, just part of the human race.
Seek real life help and make it a priority.

What fridgepants said.

I have a friend who is very high up in one of the Big 4 accountancy firms. She is the least glamorous person I've ever met (not for want of money) but she just doesn't care. She has a loving extensive family and loads of friends. Truly comfortable in her own skin. I envy that.

ommmward - I can certainly relate to that. I am a bit of a social chameleon and have a big circle of (very "normal"!) friends. I am also a bit of a partier (or seen as one by my family), have been into going out and having fun. but find it exhausting. always have to try and mirror other people to think of the right thing to say. am own harshest critic. Are you autistic, if you don't mind me asking? Can you offer me any advice - you seem very knowledgeable about it!!

I have had episodes like this. Do you fill well otherwise? Tired all the time/run down? It's anxiety. But it could be brought on by vitamin deficiency for example? Or just anxiety anxiety. Get thee to the GP for some anti-depressants

I work in a very corporate environment I'm 27 overweight and I always feel scruffy and out of place. My hair is all over the place and I manage to ladder my tights on a near-daily basis. I'm chubby with enormous boobs and my jackets always sit it in a weird way. I never manage to get the same level of mascara on both eyes.

I don't think people notice as much as you think they do.

I'm in the process of leaving my job for a new better role in the same field. Cue massive pre-interview anxiety about what to wear, about how my hands sweat when I'm nervous and how I can hide that when I have to do handshakes etc etc etc.

We had my leaving do last week and among other things, I got a voucher for a monthly manicure for a year from a parallel team. I was mortified and must have gone bright red, I thought it was a suggestion that I do my nails better or look after my hands more. The guy who gave it to me then looked embarrassed at my embarrassment and said "but you always have the most perfect nails, so we thought you'd enjoy manicures, but if that's not your preferred salon I'm sure we can exchange it"

And it's true, I do try and make sure my nails look alright, I don't really have manicures normally though....

As previous posters have said, you might have more of an anxiety than an appearance problem and honestly, as long as you don't go too wild with colours, short skirts or low cut dresses, I'm sure people don't even notice.

Again as PPs have said, you have your job because of your brain. And as far as I'm aware ( and I say this as an overweight frumpy scruffy person) being scruffy doesn't affect the way you do your job. It can even to the contrary show that you're more than an Instagram obsessed millennial.

However I dress, I feel like I'm dressed like shit, but hey, I get shit done. And I'd rather it that way round.

Things can and will get better.

If you're really self-conscious, start with little things,

• Clean glasses if you wear them

-Extra tights in your bag in case you ladder them -Polished shoes -Clean nails -Neat eyebrows

Then try and adopt a fuck it attitude - it helps

best of luck

Eventually all the non model women don't get promoted. Every place I've been in in finance it's been a disadvantage at the top level to be good looking.
Not saying what you're saying about yourself is true but I just wanted to say on a grad placement you'll feel out of place but if you're good at your job you'll be fine regardless of being 'polished'. Personally if I was you I'd see if you really think you want to stay in that environment. I've worked in offices where people are good looking and we all wore tight dresses high heels etc. It's so artificial and pointless and totally sexist against women but the women themselves seem to adhere to it regardless. Be different, it's actually more of a quality than you realise.
Eventually although the environment might not change but you might end up being the most successful due to the very same sexism you're describing. Eventually the 'good lookin' women all bitch each other out or ru off with the senior men and at higher levels it's the less attractive ones generally that make it to the top sometimes due to men thinking you're less likely to settle down and have a family etc. Some companies are better than others but Ive working in big corporations that like to keep as many females as possible in lower down roles to hide the fact they drop them like flies later on in the career ladder. It's happened to several of my friends. All the less attractive ones get into the previously 'male dominated' executive roles. Non of them have made it to the final leg in our finance game despite being as highly qualified as the men. One made it to an executive role of a large company (typically unattractive overweight and never been in a relationship) but even she was then suddenly moved to a much smaller branch in a different country so they seemingly used the promotion as a way to get her to manage a less developed country area no one else wanted to.
Either way I hope you find a way to settle your thoughts. If you want to change which I must reiterate I think you shouldn't, nails done and hair done are all easily achieved by salons just bowl in and tell them you've no idea what you're doing. They'll help you. As for clothes just ask people where they got a dress from as it looks nice. Then go find some yourself.

I'd See your GP for help before you see your employer! Unless they are a very enlightened company.

I think you are being very hard on yourself. You sound quite young and as if you don't have much support. Attractive in some lights means that you are in fact attractive and you need to stop comparing yourself with these "super cool" people around you. They probably have exactly the same insecurities as you but are better at hiding it. It's easy in these situations to think people are looking at you or judging you, but they are FAR more likely to be thinking about themselves, I guarantee it. The corporate world can have some competitive characters and that maybe why you are feeling that you are not connecting with them, rather than blaming yourself. Perhaps look for friendships outside work and don't expect too much from work at first - that tends to come with time and experience anyway.
Are there any small practical things you can do to make yourself feel better or distract yourself?
When you hear those negative voices in your head, put the ear plugs in and listen to something funny or great music.
I was very shy and had to do some unnerving things in one of my first job, like speaking in public and I used to think of the most confident person I knew and pretend just for that time, that I was impersonating them. (sounds mad but it worked for me) It sounds as if your job is well paid, so some new clothes as people have suggested, hair etc will all help you look more confident.Get a professional make up done. If you have trouble speaking up, sing very loudly at home (it works!) work out some stock replies. If you feel you said the wrong thing, through sheer nerves, practice at home, rehearse how you could have responded.
Find nice things to keep you distracted or to look forward to at lunchtimes, or go for a exploring walks around the area, so you have a break from the office to be yourself in. Plan some good things to do after work, something like dancing or a marshal art or Alexander Technique would give you more body confidence or a hobby, or plan something nice to look forward to, as well, so that you've got something else to focus on, so that if people do start chatting you also have something to chat about. If you seem busy, busy busy etc.. you will automatically look and feel more confident. It sounds like you are going through a very tough time, but focus on the little positives and they will add up and get you through it. Best of luck xx

I don't think it's about your clothes, it's about your sense of fitting in. All the physical stuff is down to anxiety. You do fit in. Your were chosen. You don't have to be a clone off everyone else. It's fine to be different.

You sound very much like my DD1 who I suspect has undiagnosed autistic traits. She hates all the bullshit that goes with the cproporate world and just wants to do her job. She also finds it exhausting when people have an agenda and are maybe not being authentic.

I would say, look after yourself, physically and mentally. Eat well, exercise, knock the booze and substances on the head, if they are an issue. Focus on doing your job. If you can download your job, no ones really gives a shit about the other stuff. Once you have settled in your confidence will grow and you can think about stuff like clothesline and networking.

I'll PM you :)

If you can do your job.

fridgepants I know they didn’t hire her for her looks, but struggling mentions she has gained weight several times so it’s obviously affecting her, maybe if she looked at why she’s gained weight she could address it and maybe feel better about herself. Also if she says why she thinks she gained weight we could possibly give her some tips, for example if she says it because people take cake in everyday, may try taking something in to eat when everyone eats cake (I know someone who keeps ricecakes in stock so when cake comes out she can eat that and not feel left out), if she’s gaining weight due to long hours and getting take aways maybe people could suggest batch cooking on weekends.

struggling so if I offended you by talking about your weight, it just seemed to me that it was an issue to you as you mentioned it and I thought maybe if you could lose some you would feel better about yourself.

You sound like you're in a very bad place psychologically but your career and your abilities are really strong points and you are being very self critical. You know I barely register what people wear, and on reflection many of the most fiercely brilliant people I know do not dress like the others or fit in but they are respected because they are competent and do their job well. What matters is that it sounds like you are struggling and if you dn't seek help asap this will affect how you are doing your job. You sound like you have an anxiety disorder/ other and some of what you describe is like a horrible state of perpetually being about to ahve a full on panic attack. It's of course most worrying if you are feeling like you want to die, or feeling like this way of being or how you are feeling every day and managing can't go on. For that I cannot recommend Samaritans enough. They are free to call and answer the phone 24 hours a day 7 days a week. 116 123 or you could email them on [email protected] (even email them what you've written here maybe)

I do think you need to see someone urgently about how you are feeling though and be willing to take some time out of your schedule to sort this out before it affects career health and everything else. You are so many wonderful things and feeling so anxious and so down is a horrible way to live. There are many things that could help you. I'd personally start with a GP appointment as urgently as you can and then see if you also have private care or insurance cover through work to access support.

Please don't fret what people think. You are an important person to be there in the first place.
It does sound like anxiety to me to. Please see your GP and tell then how you feel. My sister is exactly the same.

I am willing to bet money that you come over much more "normal" than you think you do. Are you sure you aren't projecting your own feelings of self-loathing at other people? Because your self worth sounds like it is in your boots. You seem a genuine, lovely, sweet person. The fact that you have a big circle of friends hardly seems to be the sort of thing that is true of someone whom people genuinely think is weird in an uncomfortable way.

Maybe you need to embrace your brand of weird as a good thing? I think sometimes we feel down when our outside doesn't match how we feel inside. I recently had my long hair cut off, to quite an unusually short style. It made me realise that I'd been hiding behind a sort of mousey, mumsey look that wasn't at all "me". My new look is much edgier and will be a lot less acceptable to the kind of man who likes his women with long hair and a simper, but I feel much happier in it. It's got nothing to do with being accepted by other people - my old look was much more something that fitted in - and everything to do with finding something that sits right with who you are. Maybe stop thinking so much about how other people think, and start thinking a bit more about who you really are?

Thanks all. I have good hair (long blonde), polished nails, good eyebrows and wear make-up and lipstick religiously. Just the whole package that's wrong...

OP bet you're being hard on yourself. I felt a degree of how you feel when I was younger. Now most of the time I look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards but I don't care! Ironically when I look back I was beutiful and realise how much time I wasted worrying about being awkward and not fitting in! Go to the gp, they will help you get perspective. Nothing wrong being different to much effort being something your not!

Beautiful compared to now, not beautiful beautiful

OP I second the advice to look into autism/Aspergers in girls. So much of what you describe is like my DDs who both have AS.

My DD1 said that getting a diagnosis (at the aged of 12) was a great relief because she now understood why she felt that there was a whole level of social communication and understanding between others that she was missing out on. Up until then she knew she felt weird and odd but didn't know why.

Watching others and copying their social interactions because you're not sure what to do is classic Asperger's girl.

Do you find busy social environments hard work and crave down time or a breather on your own? My DD is classic "...in the kitchen at parties" in that she seeks calmer, quieter places and enjoys relaxing with one or two people rather than big groups.

Some people with autism find eye contact very uncomfortable and trying to maintain it makes it harder to concentrate on the conversation. It is now recognised that some children can either look at the teacher or listen to them; not both. Does that ring a bell for you?

They don't exactly look the most put together ...

Re eating, I barely eat - am trying to lose weight but the problem is a lack of exercise really. I really want to be one of those glamorous girls but just don't fit in. I work with 80% men and it's so hard to deal with the gender/power politics at play sometimes... Hard to be charming, fit in, look good, say/do the right thing... When you're surrounded by a million people who do that without blinking. Half of me wants to play the game and the other half finds it too hard. What to do...

It's good to read positive things about your appearance.

I am amazed at people who can do nails and lipstick. I usually smear makeup across my face within 1/2 an hour of putting it on, and can't keep nail polish on for more than 10 mins without chipping it.