I am so ashamed

[strugglingsososomuch]

I don't fit in. People think I am weird. I dress in shapeless and inappropriate (not revealing, just not "right") clothes for my very corporate job. I want to run away and hide, hide, hide. When I look at people my eyes dart even when I'm willing them not to and trying to be bright/sunny/friendly/attractive/nice. I can see that I am making them uncomfortable. I don't want this pain to continue. I can't see a way out. I want a fresh start and I want to be normal.

Oh OP please don't be so down on yourself. Not everyone is polished and well put together in the corporate world. You will learn how to assemble a'uniform' of things that work for you. Is this your first job after graduating? It is such a minefield. Well done for getting the job though! Send a few of us photos so we can try and give you some feedback in private?

my appearance probably. I am small and blonde and can pass for attractive in the right lights but also disgusting in normal light!!!!

yes I am very anxious indeed - I have had (piss-poor) counselling twice which didn't go anywhere near the issue and felt more like me trying to fill the silences to make my therapist happy! I have also tried ssris. I am so upset.

OP, you sound like you have anxiety. I also suffer from this and I spent a long time feeling out of place in the corporate world and eventually left and in hindsight, I don't think I fitted in but I am now glad that I didn't (many of the people there weren't very nice). Please speak to your doctor about getting referred to some therapy to help you deal with these thoughts. Medication might be an option in the short term too- I took Fluoxetine for depression and anxiety.

The eye contact thing is really common with social anxiety

Sounds like you're depresssed.

Another thought - can you go and use a personal shopper in a department store to help you select some clothes that make you feel good? Also maybe visit one of the cosmetic stands for a makeover. I have found Bobbi Brown to be very helpful.

Sorry, that was a cross post. I see you have already tried medication. Is paying for counselling privately an option? Or I got 6 sessions through my work- no charge.

Talk to your GP. My GP referred me for one to one talking therapy for this. I had to describe how I felt I came across to people and my appearance and then the therapist videoed me having a conversation. My twisted perception and the reality were quite different and it had quite a profound effect on how I felt. She helped me to learn to tell myself to ‘stop’ as soon as the negative voice in my head starts up again. I’m still self-conscious and anxious in conversation but less so and care less now too about what others think. So I feel more confident in my work and socially than I did before the therapy sessions.

I was going to say, the thing about trying to make the therapist happy rings a bell. I did that too when I first tried counselling. Also too scared to tell therapist that I didn't want to see her anymore so went along and then pretended to be fine so that she suggested terminating the sessions. I have now found a great counsellor so don't worry if the first one didn't work out.

I find eye contact difficult and eyes end up all over the place- that is anxiety.

no one is perfect, probably these preened people have their own confidence issues! Who has time to look perfect anyway?!

I know it's a bit old but I read 'how to win friends and influence people'...it's good at giving pointers in how to be conversational without actually saying anything, which is handy if you're a bit anxious and worried about saying the wrong thing.

But really I think a trip to the GP is in order too. You must be competent/successful to be where you are (with the perfect people) so it's likely how you THINK you are, isn't how other people see you.

Hi there OP.
I feel very worried about what you have written. I urge you to get help now. Please go to a GP (different one, if your first one didn't help much), or call a support line. Worrying about clothes is not the real issue.
Good luck, my heart goes out to you.

From what you're saying it sounds like cbt might be more helpful than counselling. Definitely go back & talk to your gp about it. If the gp is no help talk to a different gp. There is good help out there, but sometimes you need to insist a bit

have worked in the corp world for a long time actually, I was picked for a scheme a year before university so I guess they saw something. then worked for the same firm whilst studying (paid placements). when I was thin I looked pretty good. now I look like crap. I know what to wear I am just depressed and nothing looks good anymore!

my sessions were through work too - unfortunately they were awful!

Yes it does sound like anxiety and depression. Don't beat yourself up. Beat the anxiety and go to a GP for help.

Eye contact thing, and social anxiety (not knowing when to speak, worrying about whether you've said the socially appropriate thing), and not quite "getting it" with the whole what-clothes-I-am-supposed-to-wear-in-what-manner-to-look-right thing are all classic female autism traits too. Academic high fliers can be very good at masking autistic traits until they get into "grown up life" at which point it becomes gradually harder to keep it up.

Might be worth gently investigating.

NB Autistic is not a bad thing to be. Most autistic people have superpowers of various kinds. Challenges too, because most people function in inexplicable and anxiety-inducing ways, from an autistic perspective. But the focus, directness, honesty, loyalty, diligence, ability to process certain kinds of input with an intensity unknown to neurotypicals etc etc that so often combine with other personality quirks to make up an autistic person are The Best In The World.

Try nlp. Find a really good well qualified person that will give you strategies.
There are really good methods to help manage the unhelpful messages we give ourselves. (Parts work). Actually lots of things would work. I'm happy for you to Pm me if you want a recommendation in your area or your work probably has a list.

all those autistic traits ring true but amongst my friends I can be sparky, funny, silly - and have high emotional intelligence. I often feel like I can detect what people are feeling in the room i.e. sense discomfort/easily see when other people feel similar to me. I almost feel like I have heightened awareness????

Have a look on the ft website for an article on insecure overachievers, you might find it rings some bells!
I don’t think what you are describing is unusual and there are resources to help x

I think you're depressed.

OP- I work in fashion. Most of my colleagues are tall, willowy, lots of people have eating disorders and 80% of people dress in the most effortlessly trendy way. Out of work, with my "normal" friends, I'm considered pretty fashionable and friends will ask me for tips, and get a lot of lovely comments about my looks. At work I feel positively frumpy and average. I get where you are coming from- but
don't compare yourself, don't try to compete.

Analyse you- your personal strengths. If you'Ve put on weight- don't wear tight clothes, it makes you feel even worse/constricted and will draw attention to it. Maybe try 50s style- high waisted, knee length a-line skirts/blouse /fun shirt/t-shirt tucked in at waist. mid heel courts. Look at Holly Willoughby's instagram for her daily outfits, mainly high street and very achievable, but a fun/corporate look.

Wearing your hair nicely - ie. straightening before work or curling if you can do this (I cant!) and adding a statement chunky necklace can work wonders for pulling an outfit together and making you look polished/stylish x

But you haven't been employed for how you look, you've been employed for how you do your job.

I think I'm a bit like you, I'm fat and always seem to look a but scruffy (not really scruffy, just not well put together). I tend to find when people get to know me they don't care - I am good at my job so I find people value that.

I think it's actually been advantageous to my career past a certain point in helping me be taken seriously.

So your fat now, but when they picked u, u were thin. What’s made you put why on? Free cake? Stress? Not enough time to prepare food so your getting take always? Or you now have money and can buy take aways? No time to go to gym?

If you have a corporate job you might well have private healthcare. My friends daughter got to see a psychologist in similar circumstances and it helped.

Firstly, big hugs. Secondly, I'm really worried that you've said you feel like you want to die. Please call the Samaritans if you feel this way - or even if you don't but you're struggling. At a very low point in my life - and following a massive panic attack, which was one of many at that time - I called them and some of the things that the lady on the end of the phone said to me have stayed with me even now.

and as PP have said - do make an appointment with your GP asap. Hugs again.