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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell this mum why we don't want a play date with her son?

132 replies

Comeymemo · 12/10/2017 15:44

My son is 6 and in year 2. There is a boy in his class, let's call him Z, who I hear is very difficult. Z has been sent out repeatedly, this year and last year (we were not in the school before then) for hitting other children. I have heard from other mums who volunteer at school that Z is very disruptive and violent. I have only seen Z once, at a social gathering a year ago, and he played really rough with other kids. His parents had to watch him like hawks and intervene repeatedly as he kept on hitting other kids with toys. I remember him being very aggressive. This was before I had heard anything about him from other mums. I only just realised he's the same boy as my friends have been telling me about.

My son played with Z for a few days when school started, but then told us he didn't want to play with him anymore. I can't remember exactly how he phrased it, but he clearly thought Z was naughty and had done bad things.

I just bumped into Z's mum who said she's very keen for Z to do a play date with my son.

I'm not at all keen on that. My son is not perfect, but he's not nasty. I don't want him to feel scared or to pick up bad traits from Z.

Should I make up excuses, be busy every weekend until the end of times, tell the mum the boys aren't really friends, or tell her the real reason, I.e that it's because of her son's behaviour? I'm pretty sure she knows he is very challenging, as the school is big on discipline. I don't want to hurt her, so probably best not to say anything - but that's not really helpful is it?

I've got to dash soon but will be back late tonight for replies. Please let's not turn this into a bunfight. It's a genuine question.

OP posts:
MissEliza · 12/10/2017 18:13

I really hate the thought that parents are gossiping about this child and this is influencing your opinion. I hate even more the thought that parents who volunteer (I'm sure for completely altruistic reasons) are sharing what they've observed at school with others. You should be discreet if you are working at a school, paid or not. I'm a TA and I really hate the thought that parents who volunteer are using what they see and hear as gossip fodder.
You don't have to arrange a play date with this boy. Play dates are for friends and your dcs clearly aren't, so why would they see each other outside of school.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 12/10/2017 18:14

Yes 2014 and plenty of children who seem violent and unpleasant but actually DO have an undiagnosed developmental issue. Just because there is no diagnosis doesn’t mean there isn’t one to come.

dustybluebell · 12/10/2017 18:15

I've been in your shoes OPer, and like you I wasn't sure what to do. I went against my instinct and agreed to play dates, as I really liked the mum, and felt a bit sorry that her son (who at the time was yr1) was already thought of as the 'naughty child' that no one wanted to play with him. Once we started going for playdates it became obvious why. Let's just say it ended badly. Good luck with whatever decision you come to.

Mamabear4180 · 12/10/2017 18:15

Absolutely DO NOT tell her that her son is badly behaved and that's why you'd rather not. It will go down like a lead balloon and create hostility between you forever.

I wouldn't want her son to have a play date with mine from your info. Others say you shouldn't write him off but I don't think that's what it is, your concerns are valid and it's fair enough. You've already seen some of the behaviour yourself so it's not 'just gossip' either. I would simply state that your son isn't keen on a play date with Z at the moment but thanks for asking.

There's nothing wrong with being busy either, some circumstances honestly really isn't the best policy.

Spikeyball · 12/10/2017 18:18

Seeyamonday if a child with sn is being properly supervised at school, they won't be able to hurt other children. I don't know any parent of a child with sn that is ok with their child hurting others.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2017 18:18

Bluntness I said potential SN, not that he had. By the sounds of his behaviour he could well have SN! My friends ds who has ASD with behavioural difficulties used to be like this. He was not dx by a Paed until he got excluded for his behaviour from his mainstream school. Then his very fantastic PRU helped parents apply for an EHCP which he got, and they pushed and pushed for an appointment with a Paeditrician.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2017 18:20

Bluntness you do not know that the boy does not have sn! I agree, not all aggressive behaviour is down to sn, some are learned through home environment, or environmental, psycho or social factors.

Spikeyball · 12/10/2017 18:21

2014 since it doesn't appear to be parenting there is a reasonable chance that there are additional needs of some sort.

TheFairyCaravan · 12/10/2017 18:23

I have heard from other mums who volunteer at school that Z is very disruptive and violent

This is completely out of order, breaks all confidentiality policies and the school needs to be made aware of it. You do know they won't just be gossiping about this little boy don't you?

isadoradancing123 · 12/10/2017 18:24

Some kids are just naughty, whether mumsnet likes it or not., and some kids go on to be bullies, which is why we have such a bullying problem in schools.

Gemini69 · 12/10/2017 18:26

I amazed anyone would ask advice from Mumsnet .. Flowers

glitterlips1 · 12/10/2017 18:26

After school clubs excuse is usually a good get out clause.

Seeyamonday · 12/10/2017 18:27

Spike Ball, I didn't say it was the parents, I work in a school and far too often I've heard "oh he / she has special needs" so we have to make allowances" after that child has hurt another child or an adult. And just for the record one of my colleagues has a Child with severe SN and says that that should never be an excuse for bad behaviour, a reason yes but never an excuse!!

MyLittleDragon · 12/10/2017 18:33

Aero- thanks for your input. I just seem to have meeting after meeting with teachers after events/injuries, but nothing further/higher than that has been suggested. They are sympathetic but haven't escalated it or suggested it could be. My dc is frightened of this dc mist of the time as my dc is the primary target. I don't know how to make it stop. I have been ultra sympathetic, I haven't so much as looked at the other mother let alone spoken or gossiped about the situation to different mothers about this dc as I feel sympathetic however I just feel dreadful for my dc as I feel I am failing them in failing to make it stop for good. I don't know how to take it higher or make a formal complaint or anything.

Worriedobsessive · 12/10/2017 18:33

Seeyamonday you must work in a very fucking wonderful school, where SN are prioritised over NT kids. It sounds like one in a million!

Alternatively you might have a skewed view about SN and how frigging hard day to day living is! Biscuit

Worriedobsessive · 12/10/2017 18:35

Seeyamonday keep looking at this picture until the penny drops.

Should I tell this mum why we don't want a play date with her son?
Spikeyball · 12/10/2017 18:35

Seeyamonday attitudes like yours are one of the reasons I am glad my son is no longer in mainstream and glad I no longer teach in mainstream.

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2017 18:48

What exactly is going on here. Reading the thread again the op has not said this child has special needs.

For those diagnosing him, friggen give it a rest and stop putting your own spin on it.Some kids really are just little shits. Get over it. I hope for the kid and the families sake he is just naughty.

Honestly appalled at the fucking diagnosing a naughty kid as special needs based on what has been posted.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2017 18:55

bluntness you don't know he does not, that's the point, we don't know! Nobody he DX him, I just said he could potentially have in diagnosed sn.

Little I am sorry your DS is badly being let down by the LEA. Have you considered legal route against the school.

Spikeyball · 12/10/2017 18:56

No one has diagnosed. Some people with experience in this area have suggested it is a possibility. Calling a young child a little shit is unpleasant.

Bluelonerose · 12/10/2017 18:56

Fwiw my ds1 was the naughty child. I new he was naughty and tried my best but other mom's and the kids kept away from him which made him worse.
It was lonely for us both.

Can you not meet on mural ground or ask her to stay too. She sounds like she needs support too.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 12/10/2017 18:57

Well for a start volunteers should not be talking about children. If they worked in my child's school. I'd unashamedly be reporting them.
I'd go bloody mad if it were my child getting slagged off. (Yes, she's no Saint, but who out of the 7 billion of us are), but any criticism the parents do it.

As pp says. You have to approach it sensitively. Yes her child might be "naughty", but he's her baby

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2017 19:54

Calling a young child a little shit is unpleasant

Not as unpleasant as suggesting a child who may just be naughty has special needs.

Some kids are just naughty. Like it or not, poor parenting, limintec boundaries, a stage they age going through, boisterous personality type, it’s unpleasant indeed to suggest a naughty kid must have special needs.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2017 19:58

Bluntness your ignorance is astounding. I did not suggest he has SN, only that he might, go educate yourself! I am not saying that excuses should be made for his behaviour, school are obviously not ensuring other kids safety, it might not be the best environment for him. With a child who is presenting these difficulties, you have to explore all possibilities, if you do not, you are letting the child down, as they are not receiving proper help or support for their needs. From what op has said, it certainly sounds as though this child could have some form of SN.

echt · 12/10/2017 20:00

Some kids are just naughty. Like it or not, poor parenting, limintec boundaries, a stage they age going through, boisterous personality type, it’s unpleasant indeed to suggest a naughty kid must have special needs

You can't win on MN. If problematic behaviour, where in a child or adult is not considered in the light of possible SN/MH problems, then posters are jumped on for not thinking of it. If the possibility is raised, then they're jumped for being presumptuous.