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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell this mum why we don't want a play date with her son?

132 replies

Comeymemo · 12/10/2017 15:44

My son is 6 and in year 2. There is a boy in his class, let's call him Z, who I hear is very difficult. Z has been sent out repeatedly, this year and last year (we were not in the school before then) for hitting other children. I have heard from other mums who volunteer at school that Z is very disruptive and violent. I have only seen Z once, at a social gathering a year ago, and he played really rough with other kids. His parents had to watch him like hawks and intervene repeatedly as he kept on hitting other kids with toys. I remember him being very aggressive. This was before I had heard anything about him from other mums. I only just realised he's the same boy as my friends have been telling me about.

My son played with Z for a few days when school started, but then told us he didn't want to play with him anymore. I can't remember exactly how he phrased it, but he clearly thought Z was naughty and had done bad things.

I just bumped into Z's mum who said she's very keen for Z to do a play date with my son.

I'm not at all keen on that. My son is not perfect, but he's not nasty. I don't want him to feel scared or to pick up bad traits from Z.

Should I make up excuses, be busy every weekend until the end of times, tell the mum the boys aren't really friends, or tell her the real reason, I.e that it's because of her son's behaviour? I'm pretty sure she knows he is very challenging, as the school is big on discipline. I don't want to hurt her, so probably best not to say anything - but that's not really helpful is it?

I've got to dash soon but will be back late tonight for replies. Please let's not turn this into a bunfight. It's a genuine question.

OP posts:
MyLittleDragon · 12/10/2017 17:33

Aeroflot - you can't have had a dc on the receiving end of some unpleasant psychological and physical behaviour from another child or you wouldn't likely have exactly that viewpoint.

My dc has had this situation but worse as in a prolonged catalogue of abusive behaviour and injuries from another child. There is no way on earth I would make him do a play date.

Op's priority has to be her ds. If she's not on his side, who is?

Corcory · 12/10/2017 17:36

It's so nice to see parents suggesting you try a short play date in the park. Our DD who isn't disruptive, just a little quirky as she has mild ASD has never been asked on a play date ever she's 13 now!

Pecano · 12/10/2017 17:38

Maybe Z’s Mum is hoping he will pick up some good habits from your son if they play together? I feel so sorry for him if no one wants to play with him!

If your son doesn’t want to then obviously you can’t make him, but you could suggest a trial meet up at the park or something where his parents stay to supervise and see how you get on. If it doesn’t go well, you don’t have to do it again, but maybe Z just needs one good friend that can help him feel a bit more settled in school!

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2017 17:40

My little, no I agree, if you read my answer nowhere have I said that op boy has to have a playdate with the child, if he did not want. Of course the main thing is your schedule well being. What I don't like is the gossiping and ostracizing a child, especially one who has potential sn! And school volunteers providing confidential information about that child!

MyLittleDragon · 12/10/2017 17:44

Also. My dc was initially ok with this other child, I could see other child had some not great behaviours but I overlooked that initially and still invited this other dc to my dc's bday party etc.

That just brought my dc into this child's focus and kickstarted their attention onto my dc. My dc is a fairly quiet personality and didn't know how to say no/stand ground so became a target.

It's not that good or bad behaviours will "rub off" but encouraging (or forcing) a friendship can increase the negative attention. That's my experience.

MyLittleDragon · 12/10/2017 17:48

Aero - agree with the gossiping. I have not bad mouthed the other dc to anyone. I understand it's difficult all round. Also agree with confidentiality.

However my priority is my dc not begging not to go to school because of the abuse, like it has been. SN or bad bahaviour alike. It makes no difference to my dc, they just know they are highly uncomfortable and distressed every day something bad happens at the hands of other child. I am not robbing my dc of the comfort and peace they should be able to expect from a school environment on behalf of another dc.

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2017 17:49

Please don’t blame your son, the other boy could make his life hell if he finds out.

Just keep being busy, she will know her son is a little shit. You pointing it out to her does no one any favours and is not going to be well received and could also come back on your son,

If she asks again just say “ god we are so busy at the moment, maybe we can get something organised in thr new year,

If she mentions it in thr new year, just say , god maybe the summer.

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2017 17:52

And for those saying blame the son,

Can you imagine you knew a couple and you didn’t like the wife. Thought she was really hard work. Her husband asked you husband for you all to have dinner,

Would you want your husband to make a polite excuse or to say “ I asked my missus, she thinks your wife is proper hard work, and I tend to agree with her, everyone does a d they talk about her, as such no thanks.”

We all would prefer the polite excuse.

notquitegrownup2 · 12/10/2017 17:53

Ds isnt keen at the moment, is all that you need to say. Maybe in the summer when they can run about together.

DS1 had a friend like this. In the end, he mellowed a lot and in fact turned into a great kid, and a really firm friend. Not saying that will happen with you but don't write the poor kid off forever, just because of what he is in year 2. Don't force your son to have a playdate yet either.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2017 17:55

Nice Bluntness to describe a boy with potential sn in those terms.

MyLittleDragon what were the school doing to keep your dc safe? The school was failing to do that. That is not acceptable, your dc has a right to be safe and happy at school.

Mittens1969 · 12/10/2017 17:55

I agree with stitchglitched, OP. I would agree to the play date but ask if you could tag along in view of the boy’s behaviour. It sounds like the parents are doing their best to supervise him but your DS will find it easier if you’re there to look out for him.

I know that my DNephew used to hit at school. He’s in year 2 now and seems to have calmed down, though he still has behavioural issues at home. It may well be that this boy grows out of it as well.

HTH.

Mittens1969 · 12/10/2017 17:57

But of course only if your DS is happy with the idea. You could meet up in the park or soft play?

catkind · 12/10/2017 17:57

Does your DS still say no now, or was that last year he didn't want to play with the child? The friendships shift around massively at that age so it could be he does want to do it now. (Or does with the added incentive of the flattery of being asked - nothing like a play date invitation to make kids suddenly best mates!)

If he doesn't then I'd go with something like "It's lovely of you to ask, but DS doesn't really fancy it at the moment, I don't get the impression they're playing together much in school."

MyLittleDragon · 12/10/2017 17:59

Aero. It's ongoing. They have put measure in place to keep the other dc away from mine but it doesn't last. Usually playtime is the worst. It's ok for maybe a week or two and then my dc will come home with another injury. To be honest I don't know what to do or say next.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2017 17:59

Just say oh sorry ds does not fancy it at the moment, they don't play much at school.

Bobbybobbins · 12/10/2017 18:00

I have a 3 year old DS with SN who is rarely invited to parties/play dates. He is non verbal so obviously the other kids are not that interested in being friends with him as he can't talk to them!

I know this is a different situation as there is challenging behaviour involved but I would be really upset to think that parents were gossiping about my child and tbh would not want it bluntly spelled out to me why he doesn't have any friends.

Totally agree that kids should not be forced onto play dates. The park option sounds good if you did decide to go for it.

Jux · 12/10/2017 18:02

There was a boy like that in dd's class when she was in Y1. I liked his mum and we became friendly so would go to the pub after school (great garden) and drink coffee. Turned out he had adhd. While I sympathised with her and was hapoy for them to play in the pub garden with us both there, there was no way I'd have had him for a play date.

Maybe, you could start that way, go to the park with his mum - but only if your son wants to.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2017 18:03

MyLittle have you been to the governors, next stop LEA. Though both my dc have sn, they have not been violent and aggressive with it, my ds 5 nearly 6, has developmental delay and speech delay, went through a rough patch a couple of years ago where he would play roughly and try to strangle other children as that is what his big sister with ASD used to try to do to him. He has gone passed that now, and understands that we don't do that and we don't hurt children. We have not had any issues in the school, I am sure they would raise it with us if there were. He's just slower academically and socially than the other kids.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/10/2017 18:05

Meant not violent and aggressive to other children, my dd (ASD) violence was directed towards us as her parents, never other children.

Seeyamonday · 12/10/2017 18:06

*mylittledragon
*However my priority is my dc not begging not to go to school because of the abuse, like it has been. SN or bad bahaviour alike. It makes no difference to my dc, they just know they are highly uncomfortable and distressed every day something bad happens at the hands of other child. I am not robbing my dc of the comfort and peace they should be able to expect from a school environment on behalf of another dc.

I completely agree with you, schools can put too much emphasis on the needs of SN children to the detriment of Nuerotypical Children, it doesn't matter who is hurting another Child it needs to be stopped, this may be an unpopular view but it's mine.

CMOTDibbler · 12/10/2017 18:07

DS has a friend that people would describe as disruptive and violent. Ds had moved to this school and asked if x could come round, so I said yes. Lovely lad, not a moments trouble. He is autistic, and hadn't had a playdate in 6 years - and yes, found school incredibly difficult. But one on one he was a pleasure

MomToWedThorFriday · 12/10/2017 18:08

I hope none of those gossipy parents ever have to deal with these sorts of issues I really do.

I have a 6 year old. He doesn’t have any friends. He thinks he does, he thinks everyone is his friend and he ‘loves’ everyone in his class apparently. They don’t love him. He is not violent to other children - ever - I'd know in an instant as school are excellent at dealing with it, but he does have probably ASD (being assessed) and just doesn’t understand social interaction. I watch him at school/after school clubs sometimes and most kids already ostracise him. He is 6. He’s not mean, just a bit ‘weird.’ He’s never had a play date. I’ve stopped asking the one or two I hoped understood now. It’s heartbreaking.

OP give it a go at a neutral location if your DS is up for it. If he isn’t, please ask why. If it’s because Z has been unkind then that’s fair enough, if it’s just because nobody likes Z, please put yourself in that little boys shoes, and his parents. They KNOW. That much is clear. They’re trying very hard to fix it, and when other parents behave like those vile gossips it ends up perpetuating a cycle.

Gemini69 · 12/10/2017 18:08

Ask your Son if he wants kidZ over... Yes or No... it's that simple... Flowers

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2017 18:09

Nice Bluntness to describe a boy with potential sn in those terms

I missed the part the op said this boy had potential special needs. Some kids really are just little shits at this age and have no special needs what so ever, and as said I was unaware rhis boy was not in this category.

2014newme · 12/10/2017 18:11

Why are people assuming the child has sen? There are plenty of violent unpleasant children who don't have sen.

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