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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU if I hate that the new girlfriend gets a better version of my ex?

88 replies

Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 21:10

Just that really. My ex was lazy with no directions in life. He was a little overweight and rubbish in bed when we first got together. He now has a career ( because i supported him) smarten up his act, lost weight and seems to be living it up every weekend. I feel extremely bitter as the way he treated me was quite bad, wasted 10 years of my life and left me a single mum, financially worse off with no time to work out, socialise and date. I don’t want to be bitter but I can’t stand his smug face and the fact that his new girlfriend is benefiting from what seems like my wasted years with him. Aibu??

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 11/10/2017 21:16

YABU. Move on.

pinkmagic1 · 11/10/2017 21:19

I don't think she will benefit for long. I am assuming they are in the honeymoon period and his lazy ways will soon kick in once he gets comfortable.

bigchris · 11/10/2017 21:20

Yanbu

It's natural to feel bitter, I would to !

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 11/10/2017 21:20

I get where you're coming from but the problem is it will eat you up unless you can find a way of blocking it out or moving on. Galling though isn't it when we patiently help someone sort their shit out, putting up with all sorts along the way, then you split and the next GF reaps the rewards of all your efforts.

LondonNicki · 11/10/2017 21:22

He'll revert to type after a while I reckon. People don't change.

Sodaface · 11/10/2017 21:24

It’s typical of men in the honeymoon stage and for you to feel this way. It will pass in the meantime try and focus on yourself and work towards your goals however small.

rasmusklump · 11/10/2017 21:26

YANBU. I can relate. It’s not easy but I just keep reminding myself dickheads rarely change, even if their appearance does.

DingDongDenny · 11/10/2017 21:29

I remember a girl like you at University. She went out with someone, got him a better haircut, better clothes, improved his act socially and he transformed into this gorgeous guy who loads of people fancied

He then dumped her and went out with someone else and she was well pissed off.

The thing was could you ever be happy with someone who wasn't happy with the way you are and then morphed you into what they wanted - I don't think so.

Even if you stick to the new you, I don't see it ever working

Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 21:35

Thanks for the replies, it makes me feel a little better that I’m not crazy for feeling this way.

Dingdong I get your point but if someone is willing to change themselves and actually asks to be made over (like my ex did) it’s not fair to blame the person helping for being dumped in the end. Surely if you don’t see anything that needs changing about yourself you wouldn’t change!

OP posts:
didnthappeninmyday · 11/10/2017 21:35

My ex has had numerous girlfriends since we split 14 years ago, and they’re all so chuffed with him when they first get together, he always reverts to type eventually and then they get mad. His latest is currently posting loved up memes on fb, bless her Hmm

shivermytimbers · 11/10/2017 21:37

YANBU but I think you can move on from this. Like others have said, he'll revert to type sooner or later and you can learn a valuable lesson to not go out with 'fixer upper' blokes. From experience they are never worth it. Much better to find someone who is wonderful just as they are and much less like hard work for you!

dudsville · 11/10/2017 21:39

If he had changed then that's a good thing. You have old stuff to work through. If he hasn't really changed then, what you prove your point? Either way I think you need to find a way to move on.

MammaTJ · 11/10/2017 21:39

He will fall back into old habits without regular upkeep and input from some aware of his faults. Watch and wait, then be smug!!

needmymouthsewnup · 11/10/2017 21:42

Well it depends. What was it about him that made you dump him in the first place? If it was because he was overweight and didn't have a good job, then that would make you a bit shallow. But if it was because he was a dick, then regardless of his new appearance and work ethic, he's probably still a dick. So I doubt she's got herself a better deal and yabu to feel aggrieved because he'll still be the same person underneath.

Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 21:44

I didn’t dump him even after being mistreated, he dumped me. And that’s even more shameful and humiliating. Urgh I feel pathetic

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 11/10/2017 21:47

Without you to keep him on the diet and the clothing, he will become the old bloke, and he isn't getting younger, so will slow down, I bet you did the money as well, so he will go spending and have debts in a very short amount of time.

DingDongDenny · 11/10/2017 21:49

I'm sure he was up for a change and was better for it and it sucks for you. But I think unless you meet someone and love them warts and all it is unlikely to work. It's my observation when people change for a partner - even when willingly - the relationship isn't healthy. Either they revert to type or move on in their new improved state

ShowMePotatoSalad · 11/10/2017 22:00

What is it you want? For her to suffer like you've done? I understand you feel shit about this but why would you begrudge another woman a happy relationship?

Can't believe there are PPs telling you to bide your time then sit back and enjoy it when it all falls apart. I personally think that's disgusting.

Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 22:05

I don’t want her to suffer, I don’t know her and don’t wish to know her. I would prefer that he isn’t in a relationship at all and isn’t using my misery to improve himself and his life because frankly that’s what he has done

OP posts:
user1471530109 · 11/10/2017 22:06

Hang in there OP. V similar story except it's 17 years wasted and knobhead cheated.

He was on speaker phone with our DD and the way he spoke to OW in background was utterly shocking. This was over 2 years from the split. They are still together but he obviously hasn't changed.
Her problem. They both have up marriages and DC's for each other. I'll be honest, I'm elated he treats her as shit as he treated me.

Plus, now I'm free Wine Flowers

user1471530109 · 11/10/2017 22:07

Lol. X posted.

I want her to suffer. Bitch was a 'friend'

RosiePosieRosie · 11/10/2017 22:08

Look forward, not back... you’re Grand

RosiePosieRosie · 11/10/2017 22:09

And...he know you’re better than him, that’s why he’s doing what he’s doing.

Voice0fReason · 11/10/2017 22:12

Why can you only be happy if he is miserable?
I don't understand why lots of posters are telling you that his success won't last - what the hell do they know? It might last, who knows - plenty of people do turn things around.
Live your own life. What he does or doesn't do is not relevant to you. You need to find happiness that is independent of how he is doing.

NewView · 11/10/2017 22:12

He will revert to type- I'm sure. Better to move on.
I feel like my exH could do with a warning attached to him. So no matter if he's in a honeymoon period with his new partner right now, he is still a bastard. I totally understand how much it hurts though.

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