Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU if I hate that the new girlfriend gets a better version of my ex?

88 replies

Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 21:10

Just that really. My ex was lazy with no directions in life. He was a little overweight and rubbish in bed when we first got together. He now has a career ( because i supported him) smarten up his act, lost weight and seems to be living it up every weekend. I feel extremely bitter as the way he treated me was quite bad, wasted 10 years of my life and left me a single mum, financially worse off with no time to work out, socialise and date. I don’t want to be bitter but I can’t stand his smug face and the fact that his new girlfriend is benefiting from what seems like my wasted years with him. Aibu??

OP posts:
Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 23:29

I'm not sure I could, it kills me that some other woman will be playing house with my DC. But I understand what you are saying, it's better to make her a friend rather than an enemy. I just don't think I can meet her yet without reacting negatively to her or his smug stupid face. I think I need to get my shit together before I can do that.. God I hope it doesn't take too long to get some sort of shit together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 23:31

Thank you all for the practical advice, I really needed it and hope I can focus on that rather than feeling angry and hard done by

OP posts:
iBiscuit · 12/10/2017 07:17

YANBU to feel the way you do. I'd feel the same.

However, my ex could easily say the same about me. But he was dreadful to live with; the fun, interesting, attractive me was utterly quashed by this. I was never good enough, always wrong. My opinions and ideas were worth little because he was always right and he always knew what was best for me Hmm

I'm not saying it was the same with you and your ex; just pointing out that there may be at least another side to the story that might be worth considering when you embark on future relationships.

ShellyBoobs · 12/10/2017 07:24

Just imagine if a man came here and said his ex was frumpy, fat, lazy and rubbish in bed but he'd made her lose weight and smarten up.

Then, after she'd fucked off and left him, said he wished she wasn't in a new relationship.

Miserylovescompany2 · 12/10/2017 07:57

I'd say you viewed her as your property/project and she grew to recent you for not accepting you for being you. Your best wasn't ever going to be good enough. Leave and reclaim yourself. That would have been my advice Shelly if this was reversed.

OP, if you continue the way you are going you'll end up losing more than just him. Please, take a step back.

Pillowaddict · 12/10/2017 08:17

Unfortunately we do all change because of lessons learned- my current dh benefits from me having learned to admit to being wrong and apologise which was learning from a previous relationship. My ex's new partner will hopefully have a man who won't cheat after me explaining at length how hurt/angry I was when he did that to me.
My mum had a husband who never cooked or cleaned. My step mum had a husband who took great pride in his cooking and keeping the place in order, which my dad learned he needed to do in the few years he lived alone after divorce. As pp have said think of the how you can move forward more positively, I'm sure you've changed for the better (maybe know more about what you want or need in a partner next?) and there will always be parts of your ex not to be liked for her to live with!

Italiangreyhound · 12/10/2017 08:29

Good luck OP. Please do get your shit together, only do what is right for you.

Maybe get advice on how to turn that money spent on Disney Dad into real things.

Eg, would it work to point out child's room is full of toys, unplayed with, but you need to stump up 30 quid for new shoes? To him?

I'd be tempted to play his game.... Eg....I know you are trying, Dwayne/Tristram/Theodore (whatever) but I don't want people to know little one's dad wastes money on things he doesn't need and then leaves me short for groceries/clothes/electric bill....

Add...Family and friends were wondering how you would cope after the split I don't want to tell them you are prioritizing the wrong things.

Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 12/10/2017 09:55

I loved him exactly as he was, that’s why I married him. I’m pointing out the facts in reflection when I compare the him now to the him I knew. I didn’t care about any other that stuff because he had some good attributes too.
And I understand that we all change because of lessons learnt I just wish his lesson weren’t as a result of tearing my life apart.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 12/10/2017 10:29

Mine said "I know Ive treated you badly, but Ive learned a lot and will be better in future relationships."
Erm, yay for you? Shame you couldnt have applied any of those lessons you learned to the relationship you have right now, he seemed shocked that I wasnt ecstatic about all the future women who were going to get the benefit of all the shit he put me through.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/10/2017 10:35

They never learn.

They never change.

Pity the next one, don't envy her!

Miserylovescompany2 · 12/10/2017 13:24

Look at it this way then - if he has treated you appallingly then the chances are he'll just repeat the cycle.

Right now as there are DC involved you both need to concentrate on co-parenting. For that, you'll have to separate the personal aspect. If he fucks up, the blame can't not be laid at your feet. Be the bigger person in this scenario.

Children are extremely intuitive. They pick up on animosity between parents. This opens the doorway to play one parent off against the other.

Miserylovescompany2 · 12/10/2017 13:25

can not not can't not...

ducknose · 12/10/2017 13:50

My ex has just had a baby with his current partner. I can only hope to God that he doesn't put another woman and child through what he did to me and DD. I wouldn't wish the waster on anyone but want the best for every woman.
Yabu, sorry.

Aquiver · 12/10/2017 14:34

If he was such a waster, why was he the right man to have children with?

There is no point being bitter OP.

Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 12/10/2017 18:33

He was the right man a decent man until he turned into a wanker. There are many threads about decent men cheating, leaving etc and their wives/GF being totally shocked at their behaviour.

OP posts:
ducknose · 12/10/2017 18:34

@Aquiver sometimes men only become abusive to their partners when they fall pregnant!!
I agree, there is no point being bitter which I why I said OP was bu

NikiBabe · 12/10/2017 18:35

I thought that about my ex but tbh it is who he is.

He may smarten up his image for a new woman but his old lazy bastard ways will resurface.

mintteaandbananabread · 12/10/2017 18:40

He was the right man a decent man until he turned into a wanker

But he wasn't really, was he? You said that when you met he was an overweight lazy crap shag. You chose to be with him, chose to marry him, chose to have mutiple children with him.
Isn't time to learn from your mistakes, take some responsibilty and move on?

RainbowBriteRules · 12/10/2017 18:54

YANBU. I have seen quite a few men split up with their wives then have loads of child free time to hit the gym. They lose loads of weight, look amazing and have lots of time to themselves so are more relaxed.

Then they get a new girlfriend while the wife is left looking after the kids all the time and he plays Disney dad. If he had stepped up and done all that during the marriage everyone might be happier.

None of these have been short lived changes either. One man in particular looks amazing and it must be so annoying for his ex.

Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 12/10/2017 18:54

So only buff men who are great in bed should be married? Yes I understand my choices but don’t agree with you that I shouldn’t marrried him because he wasn’t perfect. I am learning and living with my mistakes. I do take responsibility but that doesn’t make me feel any less pissed off. But yes it’s time to move on

OP posts:
soothers · 12/10/2017 19:15

YANBU to think that. But for your own sake - move on and be more discerning yourself next time!

mintteaandbananabread · 12/10/2017 19:26

Yes I understand my choices but don’t agree with you that I shouldn’t marrried him because he wasn’t perfect

Nobodies perfect. But you had to change everything about him, and when you'd finished he dumped you for someone else. Do you really still think marrying him was a good idea?

Aquiver · 12/10/2017 19:30

Precisely @mintteaandbananabread - OP can’t in one post use the reasons of him overweight etc as reasons to criticise him, only to then say this was all acceptable during the happy times.

Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 12/10/2017 20:05

I don’t think you read my posts correctly. I didn’t change everything about him. He changed whilst we were together and even more so since the divorce. There is a difference. I never commented on his weight or asked him to lose weight. I’m merely comparing him now to what he was like when we were together.

Rainbow you hit the nail on the head- that is what has happened here

OP posts:
mishfish · 12/10/2017 20:09

I do know where you're coming from OP

My ex was an utter bastard to me. But so charming to the rest of the world I sounded like a drama llama

He got with his now ex wife and I felt indignant. He treated her so well. No one would believe how abusive he was to me.

Until that marriage ended in a restraining order, conviction for assault and causing unnecessary suffering to an animal and a wife covered in bruises