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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU if I hate that the new girlfriend gets a better version of my ex?

88 replies

Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 21:10

Just that really. My ex was lazy with no directions in life. He was a little overweight and rubbish in bed when we first got together. He now has a career ( because i supported him) smarten up his act, lost weight and seems to be living it up every weekend. I feel extremely bitter as the way he treated me was quite bad, wasted 10 years of my life and left me a single mum, financially worse off with no time to work out, socialise and date. I don’t want to be bitter but I can’t stand his smug face and the fact that his new girlfriend is benefiting from what seems like my wasted years with him. Aibu??

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 12/10/2017 20:10

You are not crazy, but this isn't a healthy thing to fixate on.

This is worth a read:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/what-keeps-you-up-a-night-pondering-whether-theyre-a-better-person-in-a-better-relationship-without-you/

It's quite likely that he's putting on a front of what he thinks he's supposed to do, and by the time they've been together a few months, he'll have reverted to his old self.

frieda909 · 12/10/2017 20:53

StormTreader that sounds familiar! My abusive shitbag of an ex said 'I won't make the same mistakes' about his relationship with his new girlfriend and I was just like... 'fantastic? I'm so glad I got to be your emotional punchbag for ten years while you got all that out of your system, and you've now decided it's time to be a decent human being for someone else.'

OP, I totally know what you mean and I think it's normal to feel that way. My ex was totally useless when he was with me and never wanted to go anywhere interesting with me, just wanted to sit on his arse drinking incredibly strong beer and watching YouTube videos literally every day. The rare few times we went on holiday I had to organise it all because he would always claim he didn't know how to do any of it and travelling in general freaked him out.

Then a few months after we broke up he somehow managed to book himself a spontaneous trip to the USA to join his new girlfriend out there, which involved flying long-haul all by himself. I remember thinking the same as you - how come she gets the new, improved version who can suddenly manage to do all these things? Where was that guy for the last ten years?

Then I realised it didn't matter. That wasn't who he was when he was with me, and if he couldn't be arsed to put in that effort for me then I deserved better.

Voice0fReason · 12/10/2017 21:49

It's quite likely that he's putting on a front of what he thinks he's supposed to do, and by the time they've been together a few months, he'll have reverted to his old self.
Or he has genuinely changed, people do sometimes. I changed completely after my first marriage.

Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 12/10/2017 22:41

What made you change? And why couldn’t you do in your 1st marriage what you did in your second. I’m really interested to know

OP posts:
sweetbitter · 12/10/2017 22:48

YABU to feel angry and resentful, you can't control how you feel. But you can choose to dwell on it or to try to move on.

Things will be easier in the long run if you have a civil relationship with your ex. And harbouring anger about the situation really isn't going to change the past or make the present what you want it to be.

I'm not sure how long ago the split was, but at some point you have to "fake it till you make it". If you act like you have moved on, and don't dwell on angry thoughts but try to be zen and 'cest la vie' about it, it might help you to slowly sterling to actually move on and genuinely let go of the anger.

I do actually think ranting on mumsnet can be a good outlet, but only if you can let it out and then leave it there instead of carrying it with you.

Being a single parent must be really tough, but maybe being civil with your ex will make it easier to work on more flexible childcare solutions with him having them a bit more, to give you more breaks and time for yourself?

sweetbitter · 12/10/2017 22:48

That first should have been YANBU!

iBiscuit · 13/10/2017 08:13

What made you change?

I'll answer for Voice Grin

Leaving someone who tried to "improve" me. I see him try to do the same with our almost adult dc, and it's backfiring (again).

Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 13/10/2017 10:11

Jeez ibiscuit, i didn’t try and improve him.
And I’m not sure what your back story is but he didn’t leave because he thought I was trying to improve him

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 13/10/2017 21:59

What made you change?
I realised that the way I was in my first marriage made me unhappy. The relationship didn't bring out the best in either of us, we weren't good together. There was some superficial happiness but it was fundamentally flawed.

When I left I felt a sense of relief, a sense of liberation. It freed me up to be the person I wanted to be (I didn't realise I wasn't being before). I went into my next relationship with a completely different mindset - happier, more confident, kinder, more generous. With a better match, we are good together.

My ex didn't want me to be happy in my new relationship but his opinions were irrelevant to me, I was living my life.
I don't know or care what he is doing now. I don't care if he is happy and successful or not.

Now admittedly it's easier as I never had kids with him so I don't have anything to do with him anymore, but I changed for me, not for him. I've never slipped back to my old ways, I've never even looked back.

user1469965217 · 01/12/2018 11:59

Hi just looking for some support. I will give a bit of backstory to help. I was with my partner 3 years everything was great at the start I got pregnant but sadly I had my stillborn son at 22 weeks. He was great for a while then he changed was always out with friends and was often cruel and disrespectful I finally had enough and left after I discovered he had cheated. He moved in with this new girl 2 weeks after I left and she got pregnant immediately. Fast forward 4 months later and he contacts me we began talking and he admitted he had always loved me and apologised we took things slow but stupidly we got back together. We were back together 5 months and he seemed to have really changed until one day I got home from work and he had gone. I messaged him and his reply was i apologise but I have gone back to pregnant girlfriend I was lying all along I never loved you I was just passing time till she wanted me back and I will never be coming back to you. All i care about is her and my son. My heart is broken as he decided to tell me all this on the anniversary of our sons death. I totally understand he wants to be a dad more than anything but can’t get round how he could be so cruel all over again.

AdoreTheBeach · 01/12/2018 14:39

@user1469965217
This is a very sad and traumatic event for you. Please start your own thread so others can see it and offer your the attention you deserve

I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Chamomileteaplease · 01/12/2018 14:45

Soscared, I think one thing you could do is concentrate on getting the silly arse to spend more time with his kids! If he had them a decent amount of time and regularly, you would have the time and energy to socialise, rest, date etc. Which I am sure you know!

Can you go to court, shame him, I don't know what people do in these situations? How often does he have them at the moment?

user1469965217 · 01/12/2018 15:00

How do I start a thread I’m new to this thanks x

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