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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU if I hate that the new girlfriend gets a better version of my ex?

88 replies

Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 21:10

Just that really. My ex was lazy with no directions in life. He was a little overweight and rubbish in bed when we first got together. He now has a career ( because i supported him) smarten up his act, lost weight and seems to be living it up every weekend. I feel extremely bitter as the way he treated me was quite bad, wasted 10 years of my life and left me a single mum, financially worse off with no time to work out, socialise and date. I don’t want to be bitter but I can’t stand his smug face and the fact that his new girlfriend is benefiting from what seems like my wasted years with him. Aibu??

OP posts:
MrsFogi · 11/10/2017 22:16

And that is why there is the old saying: "The first wife makes the cushions, the second sits on them".

Voice0fReason · 11/10/2017 22:16

I would prefer that he isn’t in a relationship at all and isn’t using my misery to improve himself and his life because frankly that’s what he has done
WTF? You would prefer he wasn't in a relationship? Why?
How is he using your misery to improve himself - how is that even possible?
It sounds like he is moving forward, living his life and not thinking about a previous relationship.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 11/10/2017 22:19

Hmmm, I am sure him "living it up every weekend" will be really great for her if they ever have kids. The thing is he sounds like he was a selfish bit when he was with you, chances are he is still a selfish git (though for his new girlfriends sake let's hope he really has changed). So though in some ways he has changed (career, social life etc) you are still better of out (plenty of threads on here are about workaholic selfish husbands as well as cocklodgers)

Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 22:19

It’s hard to live my own life when all I do is work, stress about money and look after DCs. There is no room for a life’s because of the choices he made me for, I didn’t get much say in it all

OP posts:
Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 22:33

Voiceofreason what I mean by that is he is free to do what he wants with his time, barely sees his DC, doesn't have any responsibilities of a family and pays minimal maintence. He gets to move on from the chaos he created and build a new life and I'm stuck trying to make it all work for the sake of DC. So yes I would prefer for him to be alone and miserable rather then spending time and money on a girlfriend that he should've been speanding on his family if he wasn't such a wanker

OP posts:
RosiePosieRosie · 11/10/2017 22:35

Would someone else being miserable really make you feel better? Nope, probably not, and if so, why??? You are you and he is him...improve your own situation?!

Izzabellasasperella · 11/10/2017 22:35

Is he the Dad of your dc's? If so is he paying you maintenance and having the children at weekends? You sound like you need some free time for yourself and some extra cash.

NotSureIfiAmWell · 11/10/2017 22:38

I understand OP. The man the OW is dating is not the man that l was married to for 15yrs.... it's the man l first dated.

If he had put as much effort and thought into our relationship as he is now with her, I'd have been the happiest wife on this planet.

Mittens1969 · 11/10/2017 22:38

Why do you want him to be miserable, and not to have a relationship? It’s not relevant to your life, and it makes you seem very bitter and unpleasant. I don’t doubt that he treated you badly, but you’re better than this.

pickledparsnip · 11/10/2017 22:39

I felt the same when my ex got with his now wife. Seemed he'd bucked his ideas up, and was a far better version of himself. Then they went onto have a baby and he seemed so much more interested and helpful. I felt upset that he hadn't been that way with our son. Didn't last long though. He soon reverted back to who he was, and probably always will be.

If anything now I feel sorry for his wife.

Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 22:41

Yes he is dad to DC. I do need more time and more money but it feels unattainable at the moment and it definitely won't come from him.

I just don't think that people who treat people badly and behave badly should get a happy ending. I know life's not fair but come on, there's fair and there's pisstake

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 11/10/2017 22:44

You don’t make yourself sound very nice when you talk like that though. Just move on with your life, and make it a good one. It’s really not your business.

DollyPartonsBeard · 11/10/2017 22:48

I think it's time for you to look at what you can change in your own life. Dwelling on other people's - especially with bitterness or resentment - will never make you feel better. I can empathise with the drudgery of single parenthood (been there myself) but it's time to start planning what you can do to make yourself feel better. Your children will grow and become less dependent and you will be able to make time to do things that will fulfil you.

KC225 · 11/10/2017 22:49

Change your thinking OP. Imagine being with him for 30 or 40 years and then being too stuck in your ways to get out. You gave the father of your child/children love, encouragement and support. You were a good partner in a relationship. That is not a waste of 10 years. Like others have said, he will probably revert to type.

Your child/children will get older. You WILL have more time to work out, earn more and spend more time on yourself. This is just a phase, the bitterness will mellow out to a 'meh'. Chin up OP

Mxyzptlk · 11/10/2017 22:50

It is the OP's business that the ex has left her in the lurch struggling with money and raising DC, while he takes almost no responsibility.
I should think that's the main problem.
If he was seeing his DC regularly and paying decent maintenance, likely she'd be a lot less pissed off.

Izzabellasasperella · 11/10/2017 22:51

It seems like you managed to change him on the outside but he's still a twat on the insideSmile
Forget about him and his gf. Concentrate on making a lovely life for you and your dc's. You wouldn't have them without him so he did you one favourSmile

PickAChew · 11/10/2017 22:52

He's got to maintain that. It won't come naturally.

Mittens1969 · 11/10/2017 22:55

I agree that he sounds like a complete twat, no dispute there, and he’s a terrible father. But he’s not worth her hatred, is he? And what exactly is she going to do, try and make his gf finish with him?

He’ll probably mess it up, but either way she needs to let it go for her own sake.

Mittens1969 · 11/10/2017 22:59

The OP is the one who the DCs know to be the parent who is there for them, as for her ex, your DCs won’t want anything to do with him when they’ve grown up. So, he’ll be the loser ultimately.

abigailgabble · 11/10/2017 23:03

I taught my ex to be amazing at sex 😪

Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 23:04

He plays the Disney dad with loads of presents and fun for the limited time he spend, he ditches contact when it suits him and spends money on clothes and booze and weekends away. Yes I'm pissed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soscaredaboutitall · 11/10/2017 23:06

Abigailgabble - see how annoying it is?! And when you put the single motherhood on top you have a full fucking deck

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/10/2017 23:09

So many man pleasers, it's worrying.

soscaredaboutitall. YANBU, not at all. It's perfectly natural to be pissed off that you helped him 'improve' & now he's fucked off & left you with the kids to provide for & worry about while he's out having a great time. Wanker.

However, beyond having a bit of a rant there's not much you can do about it except go through the legal channels to get what he's legally obliged to pay towards the kids. It's not much, but it's better than nothing.

Then try to stay off social media or block him. I know it's hard not to look, BUT it's only hurting you.

Write a LONG list of all the things that make him the wanker he is.

THEN write, lists, a narration, a future that makes you happy. Do little things for yourself that don't cost much but make you feel good. Do nice things with the kids - make Friday Nights fun night, play board games, watch a movie, pop popcorn...get off the hamster wheel and have fun.

Find a local teenager to babysit & go out on Saturday nights, even if it's only once a month.

See friends, invite a friend & her DC over for the weekend.

Redecorate your bedroom.

Whatever, just start living - it doesn't need to cost much, just find your happy place.

Italiangreyhound · 11/10/2017 23:14

YANBU.

However, I'd focus on the things you can change not the past.

Make sure he pays the appropriate amount for his child/children and that he looks after them, if this is what you want and it is appropriate.

If necessary I would befriend the girlfriend and get her working for you! Supporting his own child/children is going to be important for him to keep his new squicky clean image.

Plus he may well still be crap in bed, whoever is telling you he is not, may be lying!

Move on, but do make sure he supports his child/ren.

Italiangreyhound · 11/10/2017 23:17

Would he let you meet new women, if so, be so bloody nice she will be your friend and fight your corner. But only if you feel comfortable doing it.

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