AIBU to be a bit pissed off with my manager being rude.

[Shootfirstaskquestionslater]

Hi not sure if I am being unreasonable here so would like outside opinions. I have been off work for the last 4 months with depression and anxiety and I was suppose to have a meeting with my manager yesterday but I couldn't go because I've got a virus so my sister gave me our managers phone number and told me to text her and let her know that I couldn't make it so I did what I thought was the polite and right thing to do and let her know and got a rude message back telling me that it wasn't policy to text her it's not the first time she has been rude to me when I first went off sick she phoned me up to find out if I was going back to work and I got told that I was being selfish and letting the residents down by being off sick. My sister text her and explained that she had told me to text our manager to let her know that I was sick and she said it was fine she understood why is it ok for my sister to text her but am in the wrong for doing it.

It was lax to text. It's better to phone and speak in person. Also, to allow your sister to text defending you, is VERY unprofessional.

I decided to text because I'm hard of hearing and phone calls are difficult for me I also have mild learning difficulties and my sister said she would explain to her why I had text her.

Well that's a drip feed. You needed to mention that in your OP.

If your manager isn't making allowances for a disability then you should make an appointment to discuss it.

Its not policy to text. That is a statment of fact. If you need adjustments then, that needs sorting.

I am not surprised she said it was fine to your sister. Your sister gave you bad advice but you chose to act on it.

I dont think she was rude.

Off for 4 moths (obviously can’t be helped) then a text instead of a phone call (again I realise this is difficult for you ) but I would say most managers wouldn’t be very happy. It’s just the way it is unfortunately. If the manager knows you’re hard of hearing and have learning difficulties but still was very harsh I would say she’s BU.

I apologise I didn't think I need to mention that. My manager won't make allowances for me in all honesty I don't think she likes me very much I got that impression when I was told that I'm being selfish and letting residents down. I can't help it if I'm ill and the doctors won't clear me to go back to work yet.

Did your manager know about your hearing and learning difficulties?

Everyone knows I'm hard of hearing I manage by lip reading but obviously that is difficult to do over the phone and they do know about my learning difficulties my sister is my advocate for work she speaks on my behalf but I realise now that I shouldn't of followed her advice I just thought it was the right thing to do instead of just saying nothing and not turning up which would've looked worse.

Perhaps when you're over your virus you can ask that your sister attends the meeting and talk about reasonable adjustments (re communication) as well as your absence.

So how do you contact your work in other instances? Like if you’re going to be late or good to be off sick ? If these people know you’re lip reading and have your sister as an advocate I don’t see the issue with her contacting them on your behalf.

Have you not had a review where adjustments have been made in writing.

I assume yiu cant use a phone at all. In that situation it would be recorded that you contact by text.

Thank you I will be asking for another meeting and hopefully some adjustments can be made for me. If I need to contact work for other things such as being off ill I have to get either my sister or my mum to make the phone call for me on my behalf. They know I lip read and my sister is my advocate but for some reason it was wrong of me to text how else was I suppose to communicate that I couldn't make it. No I haven't had any kind of review for adjustments to be made for me.

How long were you these before you went off?

Are you ever able to use the phone? If not, then your manager should make allowances for this for when you need to contact them.

She is correct in that texting is not policy (and wouldn't be in most places) and so that isn't rude, but there should already be an alternative in place if you cannot use a phone.

I've been there 2 years before I went off sick. I can't use a phone at all. I accept that I was wrong to text and should've got someone to phone on my behalf but if it's not policy for me to text her then it should also be policy that my sister can't text her either. She's a fairly new manager the one we had before was a lot better and a lot more understanding but she retired.

Don't over think it, it's done now.
Hope you're feeling much better soon. 💐

I think yanbu. If this manager knows you can't use a phone then it is a bit unfair, also it's hurtful to you as I guess you feel you "can't do anything right" where this manager is concerned. If you have depression then hurtful treatment probably hurts even more.
I would ask your sister to email a very short, unemotional email to the manager, simply saying
"Hi I'm Shoot's sister who texted you recently. As you may know, Shoot is unable to use the phone effectively due to her hearing disability. As she is currently off sick and you are trying to arrange a meeting etc, I wondered whether we could arrange a way to communicate whilst she is off sick that does not involve Shoot using the phone, as she can't lipread or hear properly on a phone?
Shoot is keen that any arrangements, sickness updates etc can be quickly and easily put in place, for the benefit of all involved, but she herself is unable to converse by phone. As an alternative, I am happy to receive/ send texts or pho calls, or you can text shoot. If a phone call is needed at any point, myself or my mum are happy to take part on Shoot's behalf however we will need a little advance notice of this. I hope you can accommodate this request, please let me know which method would suit you best by the end of this week and we will take it from there.

Shoot, did the manager text you after getting the text from your sister? Bit ironic if she did!!!!

Going by you OP, I would have said yabu, however not by your other posts.

I’d have text back saying. As you are aware I am hard of hearing, text messages are my form of communication, alternatively my address X and we can have a face to face meeting as I communicate by lip reading.

SugarpieHoneyeye thank you that's one of my faults I over think everything and start to question if I did the wrong thing.

tiredbutFINE exactly thank you it is hurtful to me the way she can be with me and am probably more sensitive because of the depression but it can feel like I can't do anything right and I'm trying my best to get myself better and back to work as fast as I can. Thank you I will ask her to that for me then maybe she will be a little bit kinder to me you never know. No I heard nothing off her after she my sister text her and that to me is a bit one rule for some and another for me.

It sounds like your new manager doesn't understand your needs in the same way that your old manager did.

People are right that it isn't policy to text but the way that people express themselves on here can be quite abrupt so don't take it to heart if people are a bit harsh.

It sounds like it would be good to meet with your manager, and have an agenda to go through.

Your current episode of sickness - any return to work plans and how the organisation and manager can support you with this.

Your communication needs and any adaptations in relation to your learning disability - remember to talk about what you do well in addition to what you might need adaptations with. It sounds like this manager might need some managing themselves.

Tired's email sounds fine, but is there any reason that you can't send this from yourself rather than it come from your sister?

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag I wish I had text her back and told her that but after what she said I didn't really want to say much more to her.

Dailyshite I accept that I was wrong to text her and I won't be making that mistake again. She doesn't understand my needs or the way I work like everyone else does in work. Thank you I will be asking for another meeting with her and talking everything through with her and seeing if any changes can be made for me the people I work with are extremely helpful they have a tap me on the shoulder signal that they use for me. I think she could use some managing or at least a bit of advice on how to be more helpful and understanding. I could send the email myself with my sister's help because I might end up putting too much emotion in to it.

Contacting your manager on the very day you had this meeting scheduled is a bit crap really.

I assume you didn't just wake up with a prohibitively debilitating viral illness from feeling 100% fine the days beforehand, so that element alone is unprofessional, and does feel a bit like you were trying to wriggle out of an awkward meeting. I'd be annoyed if I'd diarised a formal appointment with a member of my team and it was cancelled unnecessarily last minute.

The text thing is a whole other issue, but bear the timing of it in mind too.

@ShotsFired plenty of people wake up sick having felt fine the day before - why is it implausible that it happened to the OP?

Maybe she felt well enough to attend the day before, then woke up the next day feeling ten times worse and had to cancel?

That’s perfectly normal