AIBU to be a bit pissed off with my manager being rude.

[Shootfirstaskquestionslater]

Hi not sure if I am being unreasonable here so would like outside opinions. I have been off work for the last 4 months with depression and anxiety and I was suppose to have a meeting with my manager yesterday but I couldn't go because I've got a virus so my sister gave me our managers phone number and told me to text her and let her know that I couldn't make it so I did what I thought was the polite and right thing to do and let her know and got a rude message back telling me that it wasn't policy to text her it's not the first time she has been rude to me when I first went off sick she phoned me up to find out if I was going back to work and I got told that I was being selfish and letting the residents down by being off sick. My sister text her and explained that she had told me to text our manager to let her know that I was sick and she said it was fine she understood why is it ok for my sister to text her but am in the wrong for doing it.

@Shotsfired I had every intention of going to that meeting so no it's not a case of me just trying to wriggle out of it.
@deepestdarkestperu thank you I had been feeling a little unwell over the weekend but I felt a lot worse yesterday and didn't think my manager would appreciate me coughing and sputtering all over the place so I thought it best to cancel and keep my germs to myself.

I didn't say you definitely were trying to wriggle out of it, just offering a perspective on how it might have come across to your manager.

In her shoes: you have been off for months, she arranges a formal meeting with you, and on the very day of the meeting you are suddenly texting her to say you are far too ill to attend because of a mystery virus that came on overnight. That was the long and short of it as far as she knew, right?

• She either didn't realise/had refused to sort out the necessary adjustments to account for your hearing impairment, and she had no idea you had been gradually getting sicker the previous days.

It's not unreasonable to think that if you have an important appointment coming up and anything happens that may jeopardise it you notify the meeting organiser asap - even just to say "warning you I might not be able to make it..."

I hope you feel better soon though.

Shotsfired thank you it was explained to her that I had been up all night but this meeting come at a bad time for me which she also knew about and I also have anxiety and struggle to get out of the house so I try not to make any plans or agree to something because I don't know what I will be like on the day a meeting with my manager would be better done in my home if at all possible and at a better time than right now.

These are quite a lot of issues to deal with.

I think you would be better served if you were offering solutions to your manager instead of declining invites or not attending etc.

So instead of texting to say "no I can't come", how about emailing to say something like "I apologise for not being able to make the meeting on short notice due to ill heath, and would instead like to propose the following alternative suggestions in order we can work together to resolve xyz issue as soon as possible."

Then some dates and times for a meeting at your house if that's what it needs (which would obviously be set up for a formal meeting at a table, no distractions, work clothes etc).

I think you do need to do some of the running here and meet her halfway (to mix my metaphors!). This will show you are being proactive and keen to resolve etc - much more positive.

Good luck.

Thank you I will try that just had a lot on my plate my dad has only recently got out of hospital after an operation and am really not in the right frame of mind right now to be thinking about work or meetings but I will try and arrange something with her.

I appreciate you are struggling with a lot of things going on, but - with all kindness - you need to put your big girl pants on and start sucking it up a bit.

Your manager employs you to do a job. You will have to be able to compartmentalise the other issues in your life as they are not relevant. Deal with the issues that directly affect work, they are separate to your dad and everything else. Look around - many people are dealing with similar problems daily, so you are not alone. Find coping strategies that work for you, as it comes across a bit like you are just letting everything happen to you and not dealing with anything proactively. This is not a recipe for success and will just make everything seem 10x worse.

All my issues are either to do with work and the amount stress I was under and losing my nan and uncle within the space of 2 months of each other and worring about possibly losing my dad to his massive aortic aneurysm so it's not a case of putting on my big girl pants and sucking it up. I've had an extremely stressful hard year and I've spent most of the year just sucking it up and dealing with it and it's all blown up in my face and made me ill.

Just to reiterate what others have said, you really do need to get some formal adjustments in place. I'm deaf and my manager has no problem with me texting him if needed - he texts back and we'll have a little chat! Last time I was off sick I emailed him from my phone just so it was properly on in case he needed it for HR or anything, but he'd never make an issue of the fact that I hadn't phoned him.

Thank you @CoffeewithMyOxygen I will do that and try and get something sorted out to make my life a bit easier.

We don't let people text in sick they have to call. It's very unfortunate that you are off sick with o e condition and then text in sick for your meeting with a different condition.
Tbh we would just think you couldn't be bothered. I work in HR we would not be getting a good vibe from this.

Ah OK just saw the drop feed that you have hearing problems.
You therefore need to write or email them asking to rearrange meeting and explaining that all correspondence needs to be in writing as you have hearing issues. Also request that your sister attends with you due to your learning difficulties.

I'd be focused on getting back to work. As soon as possible even if it's part time

Did you text a work phone or a private phone? If it was the latter, as the recipient I would be very annoyed my number had been distributed to staff.

Perhaps an email would have been better? Im all for an audit trail with an antsy boss!

You do neaed reasonable adjustments to be made under the Disability Discrimination Act. Do you have a union? If not, join one. GMB or UNISON and you will have 24/7 advice and someone to accompany you to meeting if you need the support.

People are being very harsh here.

I agree with those who say there need to be proper discussions about adjustments for the OP's needs. The manager needs to behave much better generally, IMO. She could have replied 'We need to play it by the book and have a phone conversation/email [whatever IS policy]' rather than just being abrupt.

Shots, I'm not understanding your fixation on the OP's illness coming on overnight, and I'm a bit at the language used. It's not a 'mystery virus'; why would you say that? And yes illnesses can and do come on overnight, so it's no more 'sudden' than anyone else who wakes up having become ill overnight.

Maybe big girl pants is a little unfair in your condition but Shotfired is spot on as to how this is perceived by your manager and employer.

You need the time and space to get better. There is a need (with your sister's and HR's support) to explain your condition the new manager and put arrangements in place that facilitate the last minute changes that your condition creates.

Bear in mind that long term sick leave is very time consuming for an employer to manage and the more you can engage with the process (many helpful suggestions from other posters on this thread), the less friction there will be in your future interactions with your manager and the better it will be for your recovery.

A little investment upfront will pay dividends later. For future reference, that includes your sister calling your manager if there are last minute changes to appointments and providing the fulsome explanation that you did over a number of posts.

It is bad form and indeed against my company's policy to send an email or text if someone has to call in sick at the last minute for the reason that it is the trick malingerers use (I know that is not you) to avoid giving a full explanation. That is why the no-text policy is there in the first place.

I know it will be difficult. You should ideally set a time to distinguish yourself from that policy and explain your condition to your manager, with HR and your sister present, so your manager is not rude to you and if she is, there are witnesses.

@2014newme I will be emailing to arrange a new meeting and I am working very hard to get back to work it's just difficult at the minute. Thank you for your advice.
@SloeSloeQuickQuickGin I'm not sure I've never text my manager before yesterday but I should've just emailed instead of following my sister's advice but she texts her so I stupidly thought it would be ok for me to as well guess I was wrong there. I will ask for things to be put in place to help me and I will join a union thank you for your advice.

@RihannonOhara thank you I will try and arrange something with my manager it would've been better if she had worded her reply like that instead of being a bit on the harsh side.

@blueshoes thank you I fully accept that it didn't look good me texting her and I accept the MN equiverlant of a slap on the wrist for that I won't be doing that again. From now on everything will be done via email and I will be arranging something between me my manager and my sister to sit down and talk through everything I am trying very hard to get myself back to work because I realise that it isn't great to be off for so long it just seems to be taking a while to get my medication right which is a whole other thread.

Thank you everyone for you help and advice I have taken it all on board and I will be sorting something out with my manager.

Would it be worth looking for new work? You’ve said work is stressful and so that won’t be helping, especially if you perceive you aren’t supported by your boss.

4 months off is a long time, and if you aren’t well enough to return soon then it might be worth looking for an easier role?

"If I need to contact work for other things such as being off ill I have to get either my sister or my mum to make the phone call for me on my behalf. "

No you need to set up an Email arrangement.

My DD has moderate LDs, it's best to be as independent as possible in the workplace.

It will increase your self esteem and confidence.

The Manager should be supporting you by asking what you have difficulty with. So communication seems to be the main thing, which can easily be overcome.

Is your Manager less sympathetic because your Sister is in work, yet has the same problems?

If so that needs to be bought out in the open.

TBH, the Care sector can't sustain ongoing sick leave, especially in private residential homes. The Manager will be being pushed for answers. So it isn't personal, she has got to keep the Staff levels to just what is needed, to keep the Staff bill down, but has to comply with company/legal policies.

Just to add, I was finished up in a Care home after being off for a similar time. I had been seriously ill and in hospital.

It gave me the push to find something better and retrain.

@Caulkheadupnorf I had thought about it because at the minute I work with end stage dementia which is extremely hard and stressful to work with and the manager doesn't do easements properly so we end up with some really violent men who will strangle you for no reason totally not their fault like but very frightening to deal with. My manager is very unsupportive and seems to think I'm just being unfair to the residents and letting them down which is not a nice thing to be told. I think I might look for an easier job or a different job.

@birdsgottafly I will be looking in to setting up an email arrangement with her but I do really think I would just be better off looking for other work.