To not want to stay at dp's friends house

[Lostmum72]

We're going down to Essex to visit some of dps friends I have met his friend once at a function but never met his wife. We have ore booked a hotel but they've very kindly offered to put us up. I know some people wouldn't mind doing that but I don't feel comfortable when I don't know them. Dp would like to, and doesn't understand why I don't, he would be drinking all night prob were as I'm a bit of a light weight like that lol. I just feel more comfortable going out with them having a meal, a few drinks and then go back to a hotel were I can relax. Is that weird?

YANBU

I get on with OHs friends well enough. But hotel, space and privacy..going down to breakfast or not as I choose, room service etc. I like all that too much to want to stay with his friends. Im also not talkative in the mornings and don't want to sit round table making chit chat. Nor am I an early riser unless 100% essential. All that could be construed as rude for all I know so I'd rather not inflict myself on anybody. I do love getting away and staying in a hotel for a night or two..

We all have preferences you need to decide what you want to do have a word with your DH see if you can reach a compromise. Going out for a meal and drinks with his friends before going back to your hotel to chill out as you please sounds perfectly ok to me and you've already booked the hotel anyway, Id say different if you wanted to avoid his friends altogether

YANBU

When it's your first meeting of these people it's a totally different dynamic to meet them and then have to stay in their house and be with them for the entire visit than to meet them and have the option to retreat to "neutral" ground if it gets too much.

It would be different if you knew these people and had met them before so could be a bit more relaxed about staying with them but you haven't so it's not unreasonable to want to have the option of the hotel available.

Best case scenario you go out for dinner, have drinks have a great time and get on like a house on fire so go back their house to have a few more drinks coffee and a chat and end up staying in the spare room. Worst case, you go out and it's awkward, have nothing to talk about and it's just uncomfortable so after dinner and drinks you can make your excuses and retreat to the hotel instead of having to endure the awkwardness until you leave the following morning.

Also with a hotel you know what the standard is going to be - you know there will be clean sheets, no pet hair, nobody will have smoked in your room hopefully . You know there will be a clean and fresh ensuite with fresh towels, toiletries etc, and everything is there for you to use and if there is anything missing you can call reception. If you need a spare blanket/pillows you know they are more than likely going to be in the wardrobe (which is empty for your sole use) but you don't feel self conscious opening any cupboards/units to check. You know that you aren't going to be woken by someone else wandering round and you don't have to worry about waking up and not knowing if it's okay to help yourself to coffee and put the TV on because you won't be disturbing anyone.

I'd much rather stay with the friends. What an anti-social bunch MNers are!

But they aren't the OP's friends, they are her DH's friends she has never met and for me I would prefer to have an initial meeting with people I don't know on neutral ground before I rock up to their house with an overnight bag!

What an anti-social bunch MNers are!

It's obvious that you are a very young person.
That's not a criticism. Being young and carefree is something I envy, and you must value it, because it doesn't last.

We weren't anti-social when we were your age, and had no kids.
Some of us are 40/50s and have been through many and varied crises. With aged parents, and sick children. And funerals. All the bloody funerals that crop up in your 40s. Parents, aunts, uncles, even my brother died recently.

At 16 - 25 I would have been game for anything.I'd have slept in a field without a tent if I was drunk enough, or enough in love, or even if I was having a really good time. I'd have done it then without turning a hair.

MN has posters of all ages, from early teens to late 90s
That's the beauty of MN. The carelessness of youth, and the wisdom of age. There's always going to be a conflict of opinions.

What we must do, stripeysleeves is respect the input of people older and wiser than yourself. They are not 'better' than you, of course not. But don't flick them off as being anti-social.
You've had a short life, they've had a long one, thus far, and although young people can't acknowledge it, they probably know a lot more of life than you do.
I have 3 daughters who, before they were 18, were absolutely confident that there was nothing I could teach them. They knew everything about the world. I am old. I'm behind the times, and I know nothing.

Now that they are in their late 20s, they realise that actually, basic values don't change. There are actual, really important things that they can ask for my opinion and advice about. And they can trust me to be right because I invariably am right about it, because I've been there and done that.

Wanting and needing your own space is not anti social. It comes with age, maturity and confidence. You are late teens or early twenties perhaps, with no children - looking for a good time . As opposed to me, late 50s, 3 grown up children, just looking for a bit of peace and me-time. I am not in the least anti-social. But I have my limits.

I really wish I was 20 again.

I

never come across BackforGood before - so sorry not some little gang, just happen to agree that to describe MN as representing the general population is funny - just as it's funny on the shoes on/off threads, and a myriad of other subjects that for some reason polarise people on here. And I really couldn't give a stuff if they are male or female

At the end of the day 99.9% of the people on this thread can hate staying at someone else's house but the Op's partner wants to stay with his mate and if it's become a big enough issue that she felt the need to post here then she needs to discuss that with him. And an argument that everyone on MN agrees with her isn't really going to hack it!

Personally I'd prefer the hotel but if I thought I was setting up an awkward barrier between a new partner and meeting his friends I'd double check it was really what the friends wanted and then pack my best pj's and own toiletries and just suck it up (with some excuse about why we'd need to leave early so as not to have to hang around making polite morning conversation)

I’d be fine staying with friends (even ones I don’t know very well) and I can understand your DP’s disappointment. Really surprised to see how many people disagree with me!

It's obvious that you are a very young person.
That's not a criticism. Being young and carefree is something I envy, and you must value it, because it doesn't last.

Bollocks to that for a game of soldiers.

I'm in my mid 40s, have been through more crises than you can shake a stick at - and I would always rather stay with welcoming friends than in a hotel. I also love having friends and their families over to stay and we've often had friends over for dinner who have ended up staying the night because it's much easier to sleep in our guest room, wake up and have a cooked breakfast all together than go out into a cold night at gone 11pm.

I would happily stay with someone I'd never met as long as they were a friend of DH's and happily have someone to stay whom I'd never met as long as they were a friend of someone I trusted.

I can imagine how disappointed my DH would be if we were going to visit some friends of his (it would be a rarity, his friends are half a world away) and I wanted to cut his evening short so I could stay in a hotel. He'd go along with it but I am sure he would prefer to spend more time with his friends. Alcohol wouldn't be a factor as he doesn't drink anyway.

And I agree with stripysleeves - there's a right anti social bunch posting on this thread!

Hotel all the way for me. I never stay with anyone, especially if I don't know them.

My friends and family would think it most wierd that I would stay in a hotel,staying the night is a normal as is having people over.For most I would go to the spare room and let guests have my room,en suite so no night time embarrassment.Alsi for couples it is a cross the landing from other bedrooms!I also tell first timer that flushing at night is allowed so that's that embarrassment out of the way.
I like having people over, it's much more relaxed.
I am female ,getting on a bit and wouldn't pop in unannounced.
But then each to their own.There isn't a right or wrong,I just personally feel uncomfortable in hotels .

You sound very nervous, anxious and angst-ridden. Are you normally?

Agree with hicdraconis - my twenties are far behind me and I have dc and staying with friends is and always has been fine in my book. Being / having house guests, while optional and not universally popular, is certainly not the preserve of the young.

Obviously everyone gets older but some people retain the personality they've always had and enjoy the things they always did! I would find it a little patronising to be told how my apparent youth was clouding my understanding.

Surely it depends a lot on how big the friends house is. We have a spare room with en suite and often have friends to stay or stay with them in similar rooms. But if it was sleeping bags in the living room, I’d go for a hotel.

We weren't anti-social when we were your age

Really?! I suspect you were antisocial at my age.

I'm 43. With 2 kids and plenty of life experience (and tragedy - not sure WTF that has to do with anything)

What we must do, stripeysleeves is respect the input of people older and wiser than yourself. They are not 'better' than you, of course not. But don't flick them off as being anti-social.
You've had a short life, they've had a long one, thus far, and although young people can't acknowledge it, they probably know a lot more of life than you do.

Need to keep practicing that wisdom thing. Try perhaps the wisdom not to make assumptions, sweeping generalisations or to be so fucking patronising.

I stand by my original statement - there's an anti-social bunch here!

I wouldn't want to stay, these days, if I had to sleep on a blow up in the lounge, but if they have a spare room I think all this not wanting to stay with people is weedy,

OMG spamburrito could you BE any more ignorant, patronising and ridiculous??????

How stupidly smug do you sound in your last post. I don’t know any of the other posters and am not in any “clique” but just HAD to comment as I can’t honestly believe someone is as deluded about their superiority as you. The poster you are addressing must want to reach through the screen and throttle your presumptive, lecturing, ridiculous little self.

I’m late 40s, been through lots in my life, have masses of life experience and if my DP really wanted to stay, I could certainly manage to slap on a smile and get on with it if needed. But the OP doesn’t want to and that’s absolutely fine too of course.

I need my own bathroom

I wouldn't class myself as anti social or weedy as someone said 😂. I love meeting up with friends and getting to know people, very rarely do I clash with someone but some people I click more with. It's simply I feel more comfortable at a hotel. Some feel ok about it and that's great but believe me it doesn't make me anti social, anxious, odd, or weedy , how funny some people are

heh heh heh The friends will think you're off to the hotel for kinky sex

What makes you think we're not 😉

I would prefer hotel but would do it for DP. I'd be so sad if I had the chance to see my friends and for DP to get to know them better and he refused, eating to stick to meeting up for a meal.

I'd also feel slightly upset if one of my good friends' DP didn't want to stay with us.

It's the relaxed, into the night catching up and sitting about in PJ's in the morning I would miss and hotel / meal out together would feel a bit formal.

There you go. Nowt like a bit of healthy disagreement. It was never my claim that I was incapable of spending the night in the house of a complete stranger. But I don't want and I'm not going to. And 43 is very young from a certain pov.

I never stay with other people if I can help it, we always book hotels. The only people we have ever stayed with were the inlaws where we practically froze to death. Never again.

Older mum here. I would go and I would pack a few extra items in case facilities were not what I'm used to. For me these would be: a good book and bottle of water for night time, cereal bars or sachet of porridge so I don't have to wait for breakfast if everyone sleeps in, flannel for wash in case no shower, a mirror so I can do make up in a decent light. As a previous poster said, full make up would be odd first thing in morning, so would apply tinted moisturiser and maybe a touch if blusher so I don't post look scare everyone in the morning!

OP please update us after the visit!

You're entitled to feel uncomfortable about staying with them. Equally your OH is entitled to be disappointed and express that.

It may appear to him as if you don't want to get to know them...