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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this customer assistant was trying to prove a point in front of everyone?

114 replies

evergreenwools · 09/10/2017 17:42

Disclaimer: I may very well be being unreasonable. I am very hormonal and heavily pregnant.

DS is 4 and a bloody pain in the arse lately. He is at nursery for 15 hours a week and it's not long enough and he is driving me mad around the house tbh. I'm knackered. Anyway...

Was in local supermarket (small one) and girl on till saw my son asking for gum, I said to DS that he can't have any (I don't trust him with it) and said to him that she won't scan it for you and when he said that she will, she just smiled at him. Not helpful really. He really plays up on good attention. I know that's not her problem though.

I paid for the other stuff and went to leave it was busy and just embarrassing. He opened the packet on the way out, I went to a self scan to pay for it so less attention and she looked over and I said that he had opened it to lessen the attention and judgment from her and others as I assume they assumed that I was giving in.

She said oh don't worry you don't need to buy it. Then everyone was looking at this point and was thinking how nice of her that was and then my son screamed on the floor because he thought he wasn't getting it so I ended up saying don't worry and bought it. She then very loudly went "oh okay" and didn't seem very happy Confused then the next person went over to her and said "she clearly just wanted to buy it for her son" and I bet they all spoke about me.

Fuming.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 09/10/2017 18:21

I went to a self scan to pay for it so less attention and she looked over and I said that he had opened it to lessen the attention and judgment from her and others as I assume they assumed that I was giving in.

I have read this over and over again and do not understand.

It sounds like things are getting on top of you OP? Is there anyone that can give you a hand with your son?

As for the AIBU, yes you were. Don't dwell on it and move on.

leamington1999 · 09/10/2017 18:21

Really, she doesn’t care. I’m sure she’s seen kids begging their parents for stuff before. It’s why they have confectionary products near tills in the first place. She would have served many, many customers after you and wouldn’t have been analysing you as closely as you think

Honestly you were the weird one.

said that she won't scan it for you and when he said that she will, she just smiled at him. Not helpful really.

You involved her in the conversation between you & your son. She doesn’t know what’s ‘helpful’ or not, so just smiled to be polite. She’s not his parent, you are, you don’t need to force her to reinforce your parenting.

was busy and just embarrassing. lessen the attention and judgment from her and others as I assume...

You sound like you have social anxiety. The original till transaction was not an embarrassing situation and you didn’t need to rush through it. After his outburst you made it awkward. You could have paid and left but instead you were paranoid and focused on other’s potential opinions. Who cares if you’re ‘giving in’ or not? The staff really don’t, trust me. They probably see people buying a basket full of unhealthy cakes and treats daily, they still process the transaction. Why would she seem ‘happy’ or otherwise - She. Does. Not. Care.

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere · 09/10/2017 18:22

Sometimes you do what you have to do to get through the day.

You had a shitty day, made a choice you normally wouldn't and feel angry and vented it at the wrong person.

I've done that a few times, I'll bet we all have.

Try and get some rest, tomorrow is a new day Flowers

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2017 18:24

Op can your husband lessen his time away right now? Explain your not coping very well on your own? How pregnant are you?

Do you have any friends or family that can also help you?

Glumglowworm · 09/10/2017 18:24

YABU

She was being nice. You were being grumpy and paranoid. You were the one that involved her in the first place.

I'm sure she has a million more important things to think and talk about that you

upperlimit · 09/10/2017 18:26

Mission The op means that her ds had opened the packet and she felt obliged to pay for it but didn't want to do it at the counter in case the others had thought she had given in to her son, so headed for the self serve counter instead.

When the check out assistant noticed, the op felt she had to explain that she wasn't 'giving in' just paying for it because it had been spoilt.

sarahjconnor · 09/10/2017 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MySecretThread · 09/10/2017 18:29

OP,

Hope you are feeling better and calmer!

I suspect her 'oh okay' wasn't her 'judging' you but her being a bit put out you rebuked her offer that you didn't need to buy the gum. I think she was trying to do you a favour and I wonder if your response was a little sharp or unfriendly given that you were feeling stressed.

I also don't think the person that commented that 'she clearly just wanted to just buy it fir her son' neseccerily meant anything bad by it. She was probably just saying why she thought you were paying for it.

I think you are worrying about nothing.

Beansonapost · 09/10/2017 18:31

“Looked like a teen”

I’ve been getting that since moving to the U.K. .. I have2 children I’m almost fucking 30!

I digress... eat the gum OP.... have something nice...

Give the child to husband and take a few days off. I remember what it was like being pregnant with a toddler... husband worked 2 weeks away at a time. Depressing and stressful... and with no breaks I was a mess.

YABU...

CorbynsBumFlannel · 09/10/2017 18:33

If you don't want to be judged for giving in then don't give in. If my children had done that aged 4 they would have been paying for it out of their pennies jar/pocket money or doing without something they wanted. And obviously they wouldn't have been chewing any of it either.
The reason your son is having massive tantrums is because he knows you're embarrassed and it will get him what he wants.
I know it is embarrassing but you have to hide that and ignore. It will make your life easier in the long run when he realises there's no point in tantrumming.

MissionItsPossible · 09/10/2017 18:33

upperlimit Thank you! In that context it makes sense - I was reading it as the son had opened the gum in order to lessen the attention and judgement from the assistant and it didn't make sense!

MakeItRain · 09/10/2017 18:40

Tantrums are so horrible when they're in public. You were trying to solve it all quietly and other people stepped in and made it worse.
Sounds like they were being a bit judgemental from what you're saying (tone of voice/commenting about you).
I'm sure many of us have been there. I've lost count of the times I've been red faced in public dealing with one of my son's tantrums. Most people are lovely and supportive but you'll always get the odd person tutting and commenting.
Don't take any notice of anyone judging you. Put it behind you and get yourself some chocolate and watch something mindless on tv. Flowers

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 09/10/2017 18:41

She was definitely a teen.

Nope; you can't know that. Many people have said they thought I was "definitely a teen". I'm nearly 30. She could easily just look young for her age.

DanHumphreyIsA · 09/10/2017 18:42

OP is it possible when you said 'don't worry' about not paying, you came across as abrupt, and she just said 'okay' to that?

It happens to everyone even if you're talking normally, but in a stressful situation and trying to get out quickly, it shows in your tone even if you dont mean it that way.

Also, I kind of read what the other staff said as 'she wanted to buy it, you should've just left her' rather than being judgy, but obviously you heard the way it was said, so its hard to say.

I think it sounds like both of you may have just misread each others tone. Its ok to overreact sometimes though! Don't worry.

AnUtterIdiot · 09/10/2017 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyLittleDragon · 09/10/2017 18:43

I think the issue started when you told your ds the toll girl wouldn't scan it for him.

You were making her the boss (to him) when you should be the boss. An "I said No" and putting it out if reach would have been better as long term he won't see you as an authority if you are handing it over verbally to till girl etc.

I think when the till girl said you didn't have to buy it after your ds opened it )although it shouldn't have still been in his hands as that is asking for trouble) you should have taken up her offer.
The other customer commenting on the situation I can see must have been annoying but probably she was just passing the time rather than judging. Even if she was... to be honest it would have been better to take it from your ds and tell him No. Or buy it if you wanted an easy life in that moment - we've all done it on occasion, I'm pretty sure. It was the worst of both worlds to say no then buy and give it to him.

I know how it feels when you're wrestling with a pg and a demanding situation. Maybe be very firm before you go in that there will be No treats or extras but he can choose some crisps for later (or whatsoever you usually buy for the cupboard eg yoghurts, biscuits etc but let him choose the flavour).

upperlimit · 09/10/2017 18:43

If you don't want to be judged for giving in then don't give in.

She didn't give in, she bought the gum because it was spoilt, with no intention to give it to the ds.

And this is why you shouldn't give a fuck about the judgement of strangers, op. Those who are particularly inclined to judge do so quickly, with no real regard for the facts and do so only to affirm their own elevated opinions.

Goldmandra · 09/10/2017 18:48

Regardless of your intentions, your DS has learned today that, if he wants you to buy something, all he has to do is open the packet then lie on the floor and scream until you pay for it. He probably won't even remember whether he got any of the gum later.

This is going to make your life harder when you have a baby as well.

You need to give your DS some clear messages. If he pick something up in a shop that you aren't going to buy, make him put it back or take it off him and put it back yourself. Never buy anything because he leis on the floor and screams. The more you do that, the more times he will lie on the floor in shops and scream which is exactly what you wanted to avoid.

The assistant clearly has a very good understanding of how to manage children's behaviour and she was trying to back you up.

Goshthatwentwell · 09/10/2017 18:50

Upperlimit she did give in! She told get DS she wasn't buying it and then did!

Poor assistant who probably didn't actually have the authority to let you have it said you could take it...and then you make her look a dick by paying for it.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2017 18:51

Ah , op, you know she just wouldn’t have understood why you were paying for something you’d just been given free in stead of just saying “ thanks “and leaving. The other customer was trying to make sense of your behaviour by saying maybe you just wanted to buy it. They were both being nice.

I think you’re fuming at yourself, and lashing out, looking for someone to blame. Ask for some help. We all struggle sometimes.

Slimthistime · 09/10/2017 18:55

Gosh, I know the OP's post was confusing but I think she bought a packet because after the thing at the till, the DS then opened a packet so OP had to then buy and pay for it - hence going to the self service to avoid embarrassment.

upperlimit · 09/10/2017 18:56

You can't just have your kids open stuff and then not be willing to pay for it. I mean, it's not ideal but I can see why she did that. And of course he will be aware he didn't get any gum in the end.

Children aren't ruined by the one even that went sideways when they were 4yo. There is acres of time and a decent margin for error when raising children.

Honestly, I think it's a total non-event. The only thing that's worrying is how anxious the op is about the opinion of others.

Schtinkay · 09/10/2017 18:59

You know what I think OP?

I think you need a break and a hug and a rest.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 09/10/2017 19:05

I honestly don’t think the sales assistant did anything wrong. It just sounds to me like you were already feeling a bit stressed and perhaps over analyzing a very normal interaction? Your first post reads to me that you began to feel embarrassed and were trying to minimize any attention before DS started to tantrum, sorry if I’ve misunderstood.

Anyway, I really wouldn’t give it too much head space. Oh and ignore the perfect posters who’ve taken the opportunity to lecture you about giving in to DS Hmm. Children pitch tantrums. Sometimes you feel able to handle it, sometimes it gets too much and you just want to get the child out and home whatever you have to do to achieve that!

Teawithtoast · 09/10/2017 19:09

There are some patronising gits on here tonight.

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