Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find play dates bloody awful

116 replies

Pinkpowerofthought · 09/10/2017 17:09

My dd age 7 is very social. She goes to swimming class on a Thursday, dancing after school on a Monday and goes to after school club on a Friday and wants to attend another group after school on another day. She loves having people to play with as she is an only child.
She has two cousins the same age who live near by who she says once every week.

I have been approched several times by mums at the school gate for play dates. I always agree and arrange for them to be at the park or something as I hate having kids running riot in the house, they always make a massive mess and noise and when it comes to leaving they always start up and start complaining or refusing to put shoes and coat on.
I work full time and don't really have time for play dates and I'm always knackered after work so try to agree to a date on my day off.
I just had dd tell me I'm a horrible mum because I won't take her and her friend to the park after their club. I also wouldn't let her have her cousin over after school.
I fucking hate play dates. I can't be arsed with other people's kids and without fail I always get asked if friends or cousins can sleep over and get harassed by them all the time no matter how much I say no.
I have a physically demanding job. It's hard enough to come home and cook and clean without having other people's kids round. I just can't be assed with it.
Aibu or am I denying dd of the childhood she wants? An open door to all the bloody kids of the neighbourhood and school, play dates and dinner dates and sleep overs. Halloween parties for all and sundry.
I'm a introvert type of person and I think dd is the opposite from me.

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 10/10/2017 23:50

Poppy - precisely. It isn't a big thing.

I don't think play date is anything new except a word

Mamabear4180 · 11/10/2017 08:01

Playdate has probably only been around because parents work a lot. It didn't used to need a name because in previous generations kids would be in and out of each other's houses all the time. Especially the neighbours! The word date implies you need to make time time for them or organise it. Which is fair enough and a sign of the times but might help put this thread in context a bit.

VeganCow · 11/10/2017 13:34

Do a trial run with several friends (separately) - one strike and they're out...soon you will have worked your way through them all and will be bound to find one who doesnt make noise or mess. My son had one friend who almost lived here when they were at primary. Always round for tea/days out/sleep over. He was the easiest kid to have round and was likeable too

Sara107 · 11/10/2017 19:16

My child is 7 and an only child. I too work, and hate play dates. But, she is quite lonely (does many clubs and activities and has a friend on the street, but is still lonely). For me, the solution has been to cut my working hours a bit so that I collect her from school once a week (instead of afterschool club). We can go to the park (lots of the other kids go so she always meets someone there), or she can bring someone home for a play. I find this much better than weekend visits - they seem to end up taking up most of the day. But the Thursday play dates are very contained, come home, have a snack, play a bit, have dinner and child is sent home by 6.30. And my little girl loves it so much, last time we brought a child home from school, dD's face was so lit up with happiness when they came running out of school my heart nearly cracked. I think if you can find a way to manage play dates you should - maybe your dD could give up some of the organised activities to free an afternoon for visiting.

Lethaldrizzle · 11/10/2017 19:22

Rapunzel wasn't allowed playdates either.

LoniceraJaponica · 11/10/2017 19:38

That's great Sara. DD is an only and often wanted someone to play with when she was little.

Warmworm · 11/10/2017 19:51

Meh, I don’t much like spending time with other people’s kids either. But I did suck it up and have fairly regular play dates when mine were little.
I’m afraid it was often noisy and messy and there was nearly always a fuss from the visiting kid at leaving time. You’re not a misery guts because you’d rather not do it!

I think meeting in the park or taking them somewhere out of the house is a good idea.

I’m glad mine are older now and meet their friends outside the house. They’re not really keen on sleepovers either, thankfully.

Dancergirl · 11/10/2017 19:55

YABU

Only on MN are people so introverted they can't bear any other children in their home other than their own.

I am also an introvert by nature but all 3 of my children have had their friends over regularly since they were small. I'm happy that they have friends and are sociable. It would be more of a worry if your child didn't want to see their friends outside school or didn't have any good friendships.

Yes children make mess and noise sometimes, we've had some messy and noisy playdates, others not so much. In the summer they play outside.

I hardly think making a bit of a fuss about putting shoes on means no more playdates OP! You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

And 'hell is other people's kids'??! Just how smug and arrogant does that sound? Some of dd's friends might be a bit naughty etc and some of them behave better and are more polite than her.

LoniceraJaponica · 11/10/2017 20:02

I suspect that MN has more than its fair share of introverts because it is an anonymous online forum, so if they don't want to socialise they don't have to.

Warmworm · 11/10/2017 20:16

You don’t have to be an introvert to find kids quite irritating after a days work.

Dancergirl · 11/10/2017 20:58

You don’t have to be an introvert to find kids quite irritating after a days work

Well that would mean your own kids too, wouldn't it?!

Lethaldrizzle · 11/10/2017 21:16

So many threads with posters complaining about having to talk to other human beings whether it's people on the bus, mums at the school gate and now kids in your own house! It's so sad - and blaming it on being introverted or tired! We've all got busy lives, sometimes you have to give a little, your poor kid!

LoniceraJaponica · 11/10/2017 21:23

I get that some people aren't very sociable, but surely you factor in having to talk to other people when you have children? You can't bring them up in a bubble.

Dancergirl · 11/10/2017 21:26

I get that some people aren't very sociable, but surely you factor in having to talk to other people when you have children?

Or don't have children at all if it's that bad Grin

MrsOverTheRoad · 11/10/2017 22:30

My DD is 9 OP and like yours. I find it hard too.

Some of her friends aren't so bothersome but there are one or two that I find hard work.

They're the ones who're always asking for snacks or to go somewhere.

ThaliaLuxurySpa · 12/10/2017 06:28

GhoulsFold,

I'm so sorry you experienced that, growing up. Sounds like you're doing a brilliant job in ensuring the opposite for your son, which chronic anxiety must make incredibly hard at times.

gandalf456 · 12/10/2017 08:17

Op. You don't sound awful. You just sound busy, tired and a bit pestered. I don't think it's possible to 100% avoid the dreaded playdate but there are things you can do to make it easier.

Avoid the kids who misbehave or just leave you feeling fraught
Pick a day when you are not busy even if it means Sat am or half term
Set some boundaries - no ad hoc playdates
Encourage friendships in the neighbourhood then they can knock, which fosters independence. The visits tend to be shorter and you can send them home if they're getting on your nerves.

Fwiw i fell into the guilt driven trap of having lots of playdates when dd was smaller. None developed into lifelong friendships (she's at secondary now) - besides being fickle, people move away or change schools. And, actually, she grew up a bit dependent on me organising her social life which, of course, I can't now as I don't know her friends or their parents. There's nothing wrong with meeting at the park or planning moree structured extra curricular stuff if that works better

LoniceraJaponica · 12/10/2017 08:19

It's all very well suggesting playing in the park, but it is autumn now and we are approaching winter. The weather has been too wet for ages to play in the park round here.

gandalf456 · 12/10/2017 08:24

Yes but it is one suggestion. I'm in London. It's still warm here

LoniceraJaponica · 12/10/2017 08:26

I'm in Yorkshire. It isn't here.

motherinferior · 12/10/2017 10:59

It’s not warm in London but it’s ok if you have a coat on.

gandalf456 · 12/10/2017 11:03

I am warm . Must be my age Grin

PoppyFleur · 12/10/2017 11:34

Do some of your children hang out with Tasmanian devils?

I don't understand how much mess must be generated for parents to hate the thought of a child coming over to their house to play.

I don't wish to be judgemental of another's parenting style but some of you sound a little joyless. Surely an introvert must have considered the possibility that their child could be an extrovert (and vice versa)?

LoniceraJaponica · 12/10/2017 12:54

"some of you sound a little joyless. Surely an introvert must have considered the possibility that their child could be an extrovert (and vice versa)?"

I agree

Xmasbaby11 · 12/10/2017 14:56

YANBU. Like much of parenting, you are doing it to benefit your child, not yourself.

Personally I want my DC to grow up feeling happy to invite friends over. But then DH and I have our friends over, so we see being sociable as a normal, positive quality.

It's just about finding a compromise, something you can tolerate. I'm sure you can do it.