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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find play dates bloody awful

116 replies

Pinkpowerofthought · 09/10/2017 17:09

My dd age 7 is very social. She goes to swimming class on a Thursday, dancing after school on a Monday and goes to after school club on a Friday and wants to attend another group after school on another day. She loves having people to play with as she is an only child.
She has two cousins the same age who live near by who she says once every week.

I have been approched several times by mums at the school gate for play dates. I always agree and arrange for them to be at the park or something as I hate having kids running riot in the house, they always make a massive mess and noise and when it comes to leaving they always start up and start complaining or refusing to put shoes and coat on.
I work full time and don't really have time for play dates and I'm always knackered after work so try to agree to a date on my day off.
I just had dd tell me I'm a horrible mum because I won't take her and her friend to the park after their club. I also wouldn't let her have her cousin over after school.
I fucking hate play dates. I can't be arsed with other people's kids and without fail I always get asked if friends or cousins can sleep over and get harassed by them all the time no matter how much I say no.
I have a physically demanding job. It's hard enough to come home and cook and clean without having other people's kids round. I just can't be assed with it.
Aibu or am I denying dd of the childhood she wants? An open door to all the bloody kids of the neighbourhood and school, play dates and dinner dates and sleep overs. Halloween parties for all and sundry.
I'm a introvert type of person and I think dd is the opposite from me.

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 10/10/2017 13:19

Feel sorry for your child being an inconvenience. But anyway my dds know the rules for play dates she choose either their bedroom or the living room and not both and they get a 15 minute warning at the end that it's tidy up time. Dd1 (7) is really good at clearing up now she's older.

I feel guilty my dds don't have more play dates because I work full time.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 10/10/2017 13:21

Also I love the headspace they give me to get on with housework I set aside loads of jobs to do during play dates - 7 year olds don't need helicopter supervision

Oly5 · 10/10/2017 13:23

Yabu

Kokeshi123 · 10/10/2017 13:29

Playdates are just babysitting on a rota. Next time, another parent will have your child for a bit. If you are lucky, they might even invite them for a sleepover, meaning that you get a free babysitter for the evening and can go out on a couple date.

At 7, they should be able to put things away after they have finished with them.

Doing them occasionally (just the odd weekend day) will make your child happy and build social relationships for the long run. I know kids see each other at school, but they tend to develop a special bond with kids who they see on each others' territory.

It's also handy to make contact with other parents in order to learn information about family-related stuff. If you want a piano teacher (for example), you can go through pages of internet search results trying to work out which is best, or you can ask a fellow parent and get a personal recommendation. Same for all sorts of things.

Majormanner · 10/10/2017 13:37

OP - you are my spirit animal - I dread the thought of a play date. I don't want to be responsible for another's child - although I imagine I will have them in future. I work FT all week (and some weekends) and want to spend time with my family, not someone else's. Thankfully these are not on the cards for years yet.

On the other hand - perhaps one a month? I don't remember being on any 'play dates' as a child - (although I remember going round to friends without parental interference from a young age) - is that the same thing...

I also thought it was the norm for children to occasionally hate their parents whilst we give them unconditional love - sure I read that on a mummy blog

SpikeGilesSandwich · 10/10/2017 13:37

Watching this thread with interest. My DS is only a baby but will be any only child sadly and has no cousins. I have no friends with small children who live locally and I am worried about him socialising. He will have to have play dates but I'm dreading it. I don't think it would be so bad if we had a garden to let them play outside but we just have a tiny house and a lot of medical equipment due to health issues.
I'm very private and I don't want random people in my space, I am very aware of projecting my issues onto DS though, I want him to be happy and confident.
I also worry that other children visiting might judge him negatively as it's quite a wealthy area and we definitely aren't wealthy.

CatACombs · 10/10/2017 13:47

Same here Imaginosity .

Although I do sympathise with OP as I would find this difficult too, but at the same time I would love to have that problem.

Eolian · 10/10/2017 13:48

I quite like having play dates - my child is entertained and has to clear up any mess afterwards. I rarely engage with them more than just to offer a biscuit and a drink tbh. I'd rather not include a meal in the play date though - so many kids are very fussy about food. (Mine are a bit fussy too, but wouldn't make a fuss at someone else's house). I wouldn't necessarily call myself an introvert, but I like time to myself, and I get more of that if my children have someone to play with!

ittakes2 · 10/10/2017 13:55

If my children's friends behave like you have described then they don't get invited back! I think you need to experiment with having different children over. If you find the right child - play dates can actually make your life easier. Unfort I don't have any suggestions on how to look for the right child - but I have noticed that children who ignore their own mum's requests tend to ignore mine as well so are often the ones not getting invited back.

PartyCrap · 10/10/2017 13:55

Yanbu but another one here with asd kid who would love to have millions of play dates so pls enjoy it ... things could be worse...

Fruitcorner123 · 10/10/2017 14:09

YANBU
Maybe say once every 2 weeks your DD can have a friend over after school,

There is no way I could cope with having kids over that often. I find other people's kids stressful too! I would maybe say once a half term and then hopefully they will reciprocate and you will have a night off a half term. I also think your idea to go to the park instead of your house is fair enough and a good compromise. Maybe you should tell DD she can have an additional friend over another day if the first friends visit goes without a hitch and they behave and tidy up and leave on time so she knows the expectations.

You should definitely limit it to one at a time and there is no harm in saying no to your nieces and nephews. You work full time its perfectly reasonable that you might be too tired/busy and your family of all people should respect this. I sometimes specify times with my family. I say that my DD needs an early night so could they go at 6 for example (my DD is 4 so younger). At 5.45 I then give the kids a ten minute warning and start getting them to clear up.

Also sleepovers I would tell people you are not ready for DD to have sleepovers and just make.it clear to DD and friends/family that its not gonna happen. 7 is still very young for sleepovers in my opinion. I didn't start having them until secondary school.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 10/10/2017 14:18

Once every half term??? God I am so sad for these kids that get a social life as a treat once in a blue moon. Structured activities are not a social life by any stretch.
Yabvvu

Fruitcorner123 · 10/10/2017 14:21

Queenofthedrivensnow
My kids are fine thanks and I am sure so is the Ops DD. They have plenty of friends and we have family friends we see at weekends. They also play out with friends on the street (thats for another thread)

Save your pity for children who need it. Parents are allowed to parent in different ways.

SandSnakeofDorne · 10/10/2017 14:26

It hasn't even occurred to me that not having play dates was an option. It's just one of those things that goes along with having kids, isn't it? Kids need to play with other kids and sometimes they're loud and messy. Sometimes they aren't.

I've never had a child on a play date whinge though. We don't live in the U.K. though and I have noticed when we're there on holiday that British kids whinge really a lot.

Laiste · 10/10/2017 14:35

The holy grail is a 'nice friend'. One who has similar house rules to yours at their own house, whose parents pick them up on time, and who will actually PLAY nicely with your DC rather than get in and then hare around the house wanting to open all the drawers and cupboards, get bored and demand to run up and down the street, go to pizza hut or paint the walls because their mum lets them ''do whatever i want''.

sigh. we've all hosted one.

Try to cultivate after school friendships between the 'nice kids' and your DCs and a lot of the stress is gone Grin

doobeydoo · 10/10/2017 14:43

SandSnakeofDorne also not in the UK, and yes I've also found British kids very whiny and British parenting fairly joyless. I've never witnessed a culture where parents are quite so irritated by their children as the Brits, from mothers doing that sotto voce 'mummy is so tired because someone wouldn't sleep' bs to nastily competitive parenting. The uptight anti-social anti-other peoples' childrens' comments on this thread are such a good illustration of how Brexit happened

coconuttella · 10/10/2017 15:23

What a miserable, uptight and precious bunch of parents many of you are. Suck it up for the sake of your kids... You'll be the ones they're morning about in 20-30 years when they complain about how their parents sabortaged their social life!

coconuttella · 10/10/2017 15:25

If you're so uptight and angst ridden that you struggle with the odd play date, you're not in a good place mentally... It's not normal. Please try and sort yourselves out for the sake of your kids.

PS I'm an introvert by the way.

phoenix1973 · 10/10/2017 15:33

God it was much easier in the 70s and 80s. Nobody had play dates, you just went out, knocked for your mates or met them all playing outside in the street. This modern engineering of play appointments is truly awful.

Dustbunny1900 · 10/10/2017 15:40

Agree Phoenix1973

Can't think of many parents who enjoy the play dates, but they aren't for us, it's for the kids.
I grit my teeth and suck it up. I don't want my kid at a social disadvantage/lonely like I was because my mother couldn't be bothered and because they were A-social hermits they expected me to be too. Or they just didn't care.
I'm painfully socially awkward and calling another parent is a huge deal for me, but I force myself.

WritingHome · 10/10/2017 15:45

phoenix1973 but not all of is live on 'a street' where our kids can go free-range!

I grew up a bit like that that and it was fine.

However we live rurally and every neighbour is a drive away so for my dd 'playdates' have to be 'engineered'.

DD is an only child and not into after schools clubs. She does one sporting event one evening a week which she loves. She has a group of friends and they go to each other's houses on a Friday, rotating the house week by week so it averages out about every 3 - 4 weeks we host and the other times she is in someone else's house although it is not set in stone and there have been times when we have had them 2 weeks in a row etc

Sometimes she has them over on a Saturday or other friends (not school pals) and she is now at the age where sleepovers are a thing.

Both dh and I work but feel it is really important for dd to have company her own age and that we help her to have good friendships.

I think you need to relax a little about it all. Your dd will thank you for it.

Katedotness1963 · 10/10/2017 16:12

I do not enjoy other people's children and would rather not be around them. However I had to suck it up, put a smile on my face and have play dates for the sake of my children's happiness. Of course, we ended up being "the play date house" and had kids over to ours way more than our kids went to other people's.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/10/2017 16:16

So kids are supposed to pick their friends carefully (preferably people that behave like us), plan their play 2 weeks in advance, play quietly, be tidy, not make any demands, leave on time having thanked their host nicely and issued a reciprocal invitation. At age 7. Ffs I'm listening to my two mini hurricanes upstairs thinking there's no way they'd manage that list of rules and no way I'd want them to.

They're kids, playing, with other kids - which is exactly what they should be doing. I'd love a tidy, quiet, clean house but I love my kids more.

Fruitcorner123 · 10/10/2017 16:39

I don't think its unreasonable to expect 7 year olds to tidy up their toys. Of course they will make mess but at 7 they can tidy up. I also think having a friend round every now and then is expected but every other week is not necessary.

I imagine it is slightly different for an only child but your child is hardly stuck in the house on her own all the time with all the clubs that she does and the fact that she has friends and cousins to play sometimes. People are so OTT sometimes on mumsnet. Theres more than one way to be a good parent.

Fruitcorner123 · 10/10/2017 16:41

...and the leaving on time thing is the parents fault and if I had a playdate and mum/dad was significantly late picking them up I would think twice about inviting again because my children have younger siblings who might need to be in be and because it's just rude (I am not talking about ten mins late btw)