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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find play dates bloody awful

116 replies

Pinkpowerofthought · 09/10/2017 17:09

My dd age 7 is very social. She goes to swimming class on a Thursday, dancing after school on a Monday and goes to after school club on a Friday and wants to attend another group after school on another day. She loves having people to play with as she is an only child.
She has two cousins the same age who live near by who she says once every week.

I have been approched several times by mums at the school gate for play dates. I always agree and arrange for them to be at the park or something as I hate having kids running riot in the house, they always make a massive mess and noise and when it comes to leaving they always start up and start complaining or refusing to put shoes and coat on.
I work full time and don't really have time for play dates and I'm always knackered after work so try to agree to a date on my day off.
I just had dd tell me I'm a horrible mum because I won't take her and her friend to the park after their club. I also wouldn't let her have her cousin over after school.
I fucking hate play dates. I can't be arsed with other people's kids and without fail I always get asked if friends or cousins can sleep over and get harassed by them all the time no matter how much I say no.
I have a physically demanding job. It's hard enough to come home and cook and clean without having other people's kids round. I just can't be assed with it.
Aibu or am I denying dd of the childhood she wants? An open door to all the bloody kids of the neighbourhood and school, play dates and dinner dates and sleep overs. Halloween parties for all and sundry.
I'm a introvert type of person and I think dd is the opposite from me.

OP posts:
deadringer · 10/10/2017 16:43

Hell is other people's kids, I am with you there. Play dates are just another crap thing that parents have to put up with occasionally though because kids love them. I make things as easy as i can for myself by keeping them short and cooking a very easy tea that day.

coldcuptea · 10/10/2017 17:03

Why the assumption that your kids won't have a social life if they don't have weekly play dates from school friends ? My children have a large network of cousins and friends outside school. We rotate where we meet but it's usually at mine .I find it less stressful when their parents are present ( everyone mucks in to bring a dish / help, no waiting around for pick ups ) and they all have tight friendships . I think engineered play dates probably need to happen where there is less sense of community but thankfully that isn't us .

PinkCrystal · 10/10/2017 17:09

Yanbu

I am with the should be occasional camp. With 5 DC, 1 per half term each was plenty. For me it wasn't easier or a break having another child round. Some parents seem to do it more for a break or to micromanage friendships. Some parents seem almost fanatical about them and mither me bi-weekly. I do want to see my kid as well (I work).
We did sleep overs from about 7 for my DD and 10 for my DS. They were very different in maturity levela. I once had 3 sleeping over and I was exhausted as value my own space.

motherinferior · 10/10/2017 17:40

As kids get older they don’t just want to have ‘family friends’. They want their own friends. And believe me you won’t be able to engineer their social lives (or lack of them) when they are teenagers.

I loved play dates. They got on with it, I got on with work, they had pasta with tomato sauce and cheese on top and I handed them back to their often very nice parents.

troodiedoo · 10/10/2017 17:46

Yabu. Your child didn't ask to be born, so why not put yourself out a bit for her. She probably doesn't like the boring crap you do half the time. That's life, give and take.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 10/10/2017 18:10

If you're so uptight and angst ridden that you struggle with the odd play date, you're not in a good place mentally... It's not normal. Please try and sort yourselves out for the sake of your kids.

^ all of the fun sponge parents.

This thread really disturbs me. Once every half term is reasonable. 6 play dates a year. 6. Well better than none which is what those parents would choose. Do you even like your own children?

Queenofthedrivensnow · 10/10/2017 18:13

Hell is other people's kids. Just wow.

PoppyPopcorn · 10/10/2017 18:18

I am also rapidly growing to understand why some people grow to be socially awkward, shy, can't cope in social situations, freak out at the thought of a work "do" or an unfamiliar situation.

Because they have parents who teach them that other people are a pain in the neck, noisy, messy, inconvenient and to be avoided at all costs. All this "I'm an introvert" is not a badge of honour.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 10/10/2017 18:23

Other people's kids can be challenging but we suck it up and do it every six weeks or so.

Very busy household here. Cooking for eight or nine is no different than 7! We have clubs everyday of the week. However we still squeeze them in.

So important for my children to have their friends welcome. Better they feel at ease here than pushed out onto the streets as a teen. Play the long game

PoppyPopcorn · 10/10/2017 18:26

Other people's kids can be challenging

Yes but when it's you organising the playdate you have the control...

"Mum, can I have Adam to play after school?"

Adam, who last time was a demon child, wouldn't eat his tea, shouted and made a mess?

"I think Adam's mum said he was busy, sweetheart. What about (sensible, well behaved) Ben instead?"

Mamabear4180 · 10/10/2017 18:30

I really dislike the introvert/extrovert argument. I have no idea which one I am anymore. I used to think introvert but I challenge myself constantly and now I feel more extrovert so who knows?

I had an only child for 11 years until her little sister came along and having her friends over made life easier! I didn't have to play mums and dads or play games with her because she had her friend there so not sure why it's hard work?! Perhaps you're a little too precious about the cleanliness of your house or maybe you're a bit uptight and need to relax about the whole thing I don't know. I do think your attitude sounds awful but not sure what's exaggerated for effect so I'll let that go!

YABU have friends over often, it's good for you both tbh, gets you networking and meeting other parents too. If you work full time it might be useful to have mum friends too.

Mittens1969 · 10/10/2017 18:56

I actually enjoy doing play dates at our house. Okay, there’s a mess afterwards sometimes, and there can be some bickering at times. But DD2 in particular is very social and has friends that she wants to invite round to play with her. And they’re both friendly with the little girl living next door so they go round to play with her, and it’s therefore good manners to invite her to play at ours. And DD1 struggles with friendships so it’s good to help her build up friendships.

There’s a balance. You make arrangements when it’s convenient for you. Then your DD will get invited to her friends’ houses as well, which your DD would really love by the sound of things.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 10/10/2017 19:02

Poppy - precisely.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 10/10/2017 19:09

Exactly our playdates are planned and I've no issue with bring truthful to other parents about child's behaviour.

Once a seven year old called my DP fat and completely wrecked my DS party. Little did he realise when Dad ( who I actually knew from a previous job) came to pick him up I said it hasn't been the best party to be honest. Little X called my DP fat and was kicking and hitting the other boys, refused to play party games unless he was guaranteed to win and ruined the cake surprise by running in and telling my son what was on it as I tried to distract him from hurting people. If he comes again probably best one of you stay in future.

yummumto3girls · 10/10/2017 19:23

Wow, I am shocked by this thread!! Did you all miss that OP works full time, so exactly when is she supposed to fit in all of these play dates that you all seem to have so much time for!

Queenofthedrivensnow · 10/10/2017 19:25

Its not the time issue. The op wasn't 'I don't have time to host play dates'

Tissunnyupnorth · 10/10/2017 20:09

It’s disingenuous to say the issue is the OP’s lack of time for playdates. Her own words ‘I can’t be arsed with other people’s kids’. She says herself that she could do them on her days off.

deadringer · 10/10/2017 21:14

queen i take it you have heard the expression 'hell is other people' before? Hardly worth a wow.

LoniceraJaponica · 10/10/2017 21:26

I don't really like the term playdate. Isn't it just having a friend round to play? Playdate makes it sound so much more important. But, hey, what's in a name?

I notice that those of you saying that not having friends round doesn't matter talk about your children (in plural) and cousins and other friends. Not all of us have more than one child/local cousins or other children that our onlies can play with. So please stop making massive assumptions there.

"I am also rapidly growing to understand why some people grow to be socially awkward, shy, can't cope in social situations, freak out at the thought of a work "do" or an unfamiliar situation."

I kind of agree with you there. I mentioned upthread about DD's boyfriend not knowing how to host. He really doesn't have a clue. DD, on the other hand, has always had friends round and is known for having nice friends' get togethers and parties among her friendship group. In fact she is having a Halloween party and sleepover at half term.

"This modern engineering of play appointments is truly awful."

I think it because people lead busier lives these days, and more and more parents work, often full time. When I was at school very few of my friend's mothers worked in paid employment.

"As kids get older they don’t just want to have ‘family friends’. They want their own friends"

I very much agree with this ^^

"Once every half term??? God I am so sad for these kids that get a social life as a treat once in a blue moon"

And this^^

How many children of parents who won't let them have friends round grow up resenting them when they are older? And how many grow up to be shit hosts?

Basically not letting your child invite any friends round is rather mean spirited.

Mittens1969 · 10/10/2017 21:45

I think it really helps build children’s friendships to invite their friends round to play. I also don’t find that it creates all that much extra work. If you’re cooking anyway one extra child makes no difference.

And it can make life easier if your child is occupied playing with a friend!

Queenofthedrivensnow · 10/10/2017 22:11

Loni - yes to everything except I don't have kids over so mine don't resent me when they are older. I have kids over because the dds love it, it lets me get on with mowing the lawn or whatever, I like my kids friends, I want to get to know those kids (who my kids have chosen to be friends with) better and have some awareness of their personalities.

They make a mess. They are asked to clear up. I don't live in a show home.

PoppyPopcorn · 10/10/2017 22:16

I don't really like the term playdate. Isn't it just having a friend round to play? Playdate makes it sound so much more important.

Indeed. In this house it means a child coming home from school with mine, having some orange squash and whatever crisps/biscuits/fruit we have in the house as a snack, playing with my child until either their parent comes to pick them up about 5pm, or I feed them and their parent collects later on. No extra work - I am cooking for my kids anyway, one more isn't extra work. Kids stay out of my way.

It's not a big thing.

LoniceraJaponica · 10/10/2017 22:19

"I have kids over because the dds love it, it lets me get on with mowing the lawn or whatever, I like my kids friends, I want to get to know those kids (who my kids have chosen to be friends with) better and have some awareness of their personalities."

Yes to this ^^

JoanLenin · 10/10/2017 22:31

What the fuck is a play date anyway? I never had this nonsense when I was a kid. When I was older I played with my mates after school on the playground or we went around to each other's houses without the interference of adults.
I chose my own mates and was never nudged to play with anyone by our mothers, hovering over us and trying to entertain us.
Why do children need play dates organised by their parents after a long day in school anyway? They spend the day in school till 3.30 or 4 and on top of that they want a friend over when it is homework, bath and dinner time? This is insane.

LoniceraJaponica · 10/10/2017 23:14

Joan I think think it is a 21st century term for just having a friend round. That's all. I find the expression irritating as well.

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