How to encourage my daughter to look after her daughter?

[Tirednanny]

Ahh I'm up again after getting my granddaughter back to sleep and I'm getting more and more fed up with the situation I'm in.
I have two daughters (they are 10 years apart) my youngest is only 19 and 4 months ago gave birth to my wonderful granddaughter. It has been a very difficult time my daughter hid her pregnancy from everyone while she was away at uni and I was devastated she couldn't confide in me or her sister. She admitted that she drank and smoke throughout the pregnancy and just hoped it would all go away. She has always been very immature for her age and I was understandably very worried about the situation. So she came home and was planning on transferring to the local uni and told me she was ready to do so and had it all in place. She completely lied to me again and has stayed at a her original uni 100 miles away!!! She originally told me she only had to go one day a week and would do distance learning yet another lie as she goes two or three times a week leaving me to look after my granddaughter. Even when she is at home I am the one looking after her. I'm starting to feel really angry with the situation I've been out in. On a Friday I have always picked up my oldest grandson (my other daughter has two boys the youngest who is disabled) from school he enjoys having one to one time as understandably his brother needs a lot of care and attention from his mum and dad. I love my Fridays with him, this Friday while I was at work in the morning my youngest daughter asked if I could pick up granddaughter from nursery as she wasn't feeling well. I said I would after I had got grandson from school. I get home with both children and youngest daughter informs me she is feeling much better and has had the best treatment done on her eyebrows. I was absolutely furious to say the least and the resentment is starting to build from her selfish ways. I keep encouraging her to look after her daughter as she won't make any bottles(when I reused she went out and bought cartons of ready made) she doesn't ever pick her up leaves her in her cot to cry and I can't stand it so always go to get her. She was the one who said she wanted this baby despite not wanting the father involved. However she is not looking after her at all I am. I didn't choose this and I'm getting older and tired. I don't know what to do as I don't want my granddaughter to be neglected and I fear she would if I left my youngest daughter on her own to cope.

Good luck with talking to your daughter. I think staging some kind of intervention is the way forwards. You need to tell her that now is the time to bond with her daughter and suggest putting uni on hold for this year. I'm absolutely sure the uni would allow her a year or even two off and to return in these circumstances. Push counseling and research articles/support groups around women who have had a baby at school or uni and made it work. The counseling will prob deal with any issues around the father/conception etc

Could it be the case that she's just taking the piss because she knows you will step in?
When you didn't make up the bottles you said she bought ready made. That's a very expensive way of doing it but the child was fed all the same.
Would she actually leave the baby to cry and cry or is she just leaving it long enough that she knows you will go to her and save her the bother?

I also wonder if the conception was not something your DD consented to and she is struggling with this. I do think (along with other posters) that she might benefit from some external advice and support - just telling her that her previous life is over and she must make an effort probably isn't going to work.

No there is no issue of not consenting. I asked her this at the beginning. She was very honest about the fact there was an overlap with two boys. She doesn't want to her pursue a DNA test or get the father involved. I can't force her to do this but hoping she may change her mind in the future.
She's working all weekend and uni for the next two days so I will look after granddaughter, but Sunday afternoon I will be having a chat and explaining everything I have in here.

Whilst you look after her daughter, she won't step up. It's her responsibility and I'd be saying she should consider adoption if she's not up to it. Everything she has done is calculated. She knows what she's doing.

No way I'll allow my DDs to dump a baby in me. I've been there and done that.

She's taking advantage .... don't allow it. Tough love is required

I just read the thread and see the views about adoption .. very sad.

Your DGC isn't your responsibility and you need to not be so accommodating.... or she'll end up having another one to dump on you.

She isn't feeling the impact of being a mum at all. She's just lied and deceived you at every opportunity and you've accepted it.

How will she ever learn from this.

SandyY2K What utter nonsense nonsense.

What a lovely mother and grandmother you are. Don't know what to advise but your family is very lucky to have you.

@BlueSapp

My experience differs from yours and has been the reality in many cases.

So often when someone is being a shit mother people say 'oh I think it's pnd'. Yes, sure it could be. It could also be being a shit mother. I think it's the latter. PND is becoming a catch all excuse for not engaging with motherhood and your child. This undermines women who genuinely suffer from PND. Your daughter sounds selfish and like she's just getting on with life because she can. Lots of teens make marvellous mum's and they suck it up. It's difficult and they meet the challenge. She needs to decide what she wants and actually do it. You shouldn't have to be picking everything up. I would call social services and organise a meeting with them and her. Something's got to change. For you and your granddaughter more than anything.

Gosh concise, who needs doctors or. Psychologists when we’ve got you who just knows that some mothers “are just shit”. What a helpful insight.

I think some outside intervention is needed. You could speak to your GP, Health visitor, s services. You are her Mum who has cooked and cleaned for her all her life so she assumes it’s nothing for you to continue this. There might be a support group for mother’s at the uni or mum and baby groups in your area. She needs to see she is no longer a free from responsibility student but a busy young mum (like many others).

Perhaps she should defer her uni course for a year while she concentrates on her daughter??

It’s refreshing to read how some of the people on here might be so supportive of their own daughters

FGS people are jumping to ridiculous conclusions about this young woman.
If a 19 year old is selfish and self centred having a baby will not turn them into a selfless grown up overnight.
She is the same 19 year old she was before she had that baby.

She needs to learn how to be an adult and a mother. It doesn't come naturally to everyone. There are plenty of older women who don't take to it right away and no one tells them to hand their baby over to SS.

The OP is doing an amazing job but its true that her DD is unlikely to step up if she doesn't have to.
She sees her mum as someone who is there to sort everything out.

She is untested as a mother. She needs to be tested before anyone starts flinging about 'shit mother' labels.

Withdraw OP. Stop getting up to settle your GD, stop doing the mum stuff.
You are on hand to make sure she isn't neglected.
IF your DD is unable or unwilling to do what she needs to do when you are NOT doing it, you will need to have the tough conversations.
This cannot go on forever with DD being a Disney mommy and you doing the tough stuff.

You will know best what approach to this will suit your family.
Withdraw bit by bit until DD is doing the bulk of the work or sit her down and tell her exactly what is expected of her.
She needs to tell you WHY she isn't parenting her DD. No fecking about. Is she scared? Does she feel you have pushed her aside (not saying you have)?, is she overwhelmed?, has she bonded?

No need for ultimatums but she needs to know the possible consequences e.g. losing care of her child to you and all that entails.

Good luck