How to encourage my daughter to look after her daughter?

[Tirednanny]

Ahh I'm up again after getting my granddaughter back to sleep and I'm getting more and more fed up with the situation I'm in.
I have two daughters (they are 10 years apart) my youngest is only 19 and 4 months ago gave birth to my wonderful granddaughter. It has been a very difficult time my daughter hid her pregnancy from everyone while she was away at uni and I was devastated she couldn't confide in me or her sister. She admitted that she drank and smoke throughout the pregnancy and just hoped it would all go away. She has always been very immature for her age and I was understandably very worried about the situation. So she came home and was planning on transferring to the local uni and told me she was ready to do so and had it all in place. She completely lied to me again and has stayed at a her original uni 100 miles away!!! She originally told me she only had to go one day a week and would do distance learning yet another lie as she goes two or three times a week leaving me to look after my granddaughter. Even when she is at home I am the one looking after her. I'm starting to feel really angry with the situation I've been out in. On a Friday I have always picked up my oldest grandson (my other daughter has two boys the youngest who is disabled) from school he enjoys having one to one time as understandably his brother needs a lot of care and attention from his mum and dad. I love my Fridays with him, this Friday while I was at work in the morning my youngest daughter asked if I could pick up granddaughter from nursery as she wasn't feeling well. I said I would after I had got grandson from school. I get home with both children and youngest daughter informs me she is feeling much better and has had the best treatment done on her eyebrows. I was absolutely furious to say the least and the resentment is starting to build from her selfish ways. I keep encouraging her to look after her daughter as she won't make any bottles(when I reused she went out and bought cartons of ready made) she doesn't ever pick her up leaves her in her cot to cry and I can't stand it so always go to get her. She was the one who said she wanted this baby despite not wanting the father involved. However she is not looking after her at all I am. I didn't choose this and I'm getting older and tired. I don't know what to do as I don't want my granddaughter to be neglected and I fear she would if I left my youngest daughter on her own to cope.

The suggestion that because this Girl (lets face it she is still young) has a mental heatlh issue the little girl whom the OP has raised so far and I'm sure loves beyond measure and is her flesh and blood, should be farmed out to strangers, disgusts me.

If her Daughter had died who you all be so quick on this bandwaggon, I know that would never even cross my mind.

The child needs to have a strong bond to an adult before she is 9 months old.

If your daughter cannot do that then someone needs to. Whatever the future of the child if they don't have secure emotional attachments then they will struggle.

People are not suggesting adoption lightly they are suggesting it for the benefit of the baby and another option, there is no shame on the Op if this happens.

farmed out to strangers

What a horrible attitude. You have to be better than Jesus himself to be able ot adopt a baby... an adoptive couple would give the baby a much, much, MUCH better life than she is currently heading for with a 19 year old mother who doesn't give a flying fuck.

Where is the father and his parents? Do they know about the baby?

BlueSap, you're reading way more into the OP's post than is actually there. I get the sense she doesn't want to raise this baby, and her daughter may or may not come around.

Why not let the OP respond rather than turning this into a bun fight. She needs help.

Farmed out to strangers or given to people who actually can care for the baby, this notion that a grandparent should without question scoop up a grandchild is naive imo.

Mental Health issues should not just be swept away, and people with them should never be kicked when they are down.

This Young Girl will have nmore children in the fure if her issues are not sorted out now then that will be catastrophic for her well being, eventually she will pine for her baby, at the moment she is not in the presance of mind to make such a life changing decision.

And to all, they will be complete strangers. OPs Daughter is not some sort of complete nightmare she is just numb, thats what happens with PND you just don't feel anything but getting rid of the child will not slove any proplems only create them. The child is not neglected thanks to OP so in no danger.

Why are people so outraged about the adoption suggestion? It is absolutely correct to put the needs of the child first and in this case adoption could be an excellent solution.

The Tilte of this Thread is How to encourage my Daughter to look after my grandaughter, not How do I get rid of this Baby.

Adoption would be better than being raised by either a reluctant, unhappy mother or a grandmother who is doing her best but still feels resentful. A couple of generations back, when it was the 'done thing' for an illegitimate baby born to a teenager to be raised by its grandparents as though it was their child, most of those babies grew up with a few issues, because of the permanent atmosphere of guilt, shame and secrecy within the family.

Trouble is , op,if it isn't pnd and is a case of ' didn't want a kid' then the child will be better off with someone who does.

Nobody is suggesting how to get rid of baby, adoption was mentioned as part of wider advice and discussion and been taken out of context a little bit.

The mother doesn't necessarily have PND, she might genuinely not want the child at all. It's sad but it does happen. I've seen this happen lots of times and the grandparents end up raising the child. If OP isn't willing to do this (and it's her right to not want to do that) the child is better off being adopted sooner rather then later.

Wow. Some shocking stories here. to all the mums raising their grandchildren. You're amazing.

OP I hope you can get some support and turn this around.

She may not have PND. Tbh I made sure I wasn't living with my parents when I had my baby because Why would you do something hard if someone else will do it for you? You're doing all the work so she doesn't have to step up.
I don't know what to suggest but I think she just doesn't want to be a mum. She wants to have a little sister and for you to pick up all the hard work. If you don't want to then don't, you need to put the child up for adoption.
Your situation sounds a lot like my close friend, she doesn't look after her own baby at all and she's only 19. You need to be clear.

Just to say, I have a feeling this thread is going to be a 'young parents are shit parents thread' I was 19 when I had my DD and I'm a great parent and love my child to bits.
I honestly think it doesn't work when you have a child and live with your parents. It's like living with your parents and going all the chores. Why do your own laundry when mum will do it?

I think it's very clear from how you write about your daughter that you don't think very highly of her.

If you expect her to step up and do the very hard thing of accepting motherhood after the awful time she's had then you need to help her, because that is your duty as a mother. You can't expect your daughter to step up if you can't step up yourself. So start with that.

Have you spoken to your daughter? Properly? About how little she actually does for her daughter? Maybe make a list of everything you do and ask her to write a list of everything she does and compare?

It sounds like such a hard situation and I think you need some outside support from a GP or social services to encourage your daughter into her role as the baby's mother. They do parenting classes and the likes, especially for young parents.

She may have PND but the bigger problem is that she doesn't actually want to look after this baby. Many, many women with severe PND want to look after their babies.

I've seen this several times with teenage mothers (one of whom was Tamara Beckwith who was a contemporary of mine). They thought they wanted the baby at the time, but then wanted to get on with their lives - ultimately the baby went to live with the grandparents who brought it up.

You have a tough choice OP - you may be forced into bringing this child up. Can you cope? It's absolutely fine if you can't.

The mother doesn't necessarily have PND, she might genuinely not want the child at all. It's sad but it does happen. I've seen this happen lots of times and the grandparents end up raising the child. If OP isn't willing to do this (and it's her right to not want to do that) the child is better off being adopted sooner rather then later

Yep.

I would encourage DD to get treatment for PND nonetheless and take parenting classes, to see if that helps. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

TheSparrow isn't it what the OP has done when she proposed to look after the baby whilst her dd was back at Uni, when she is getting up at night, when she is picking the baby up so her dd can have her eyebrows done? Is that all helping and supporting her dd through something that is clearly very hard for her? Isnt that stepping up?

I think it's a very hard situation.
Would your dd agree to go and see the GP and a counsellor (if possible privately or through Uni of there is any?)?
I'm getting the feeling that you talking to her or imposing things would backfire if she has been somgood at lying to avoid any confrontations or the needof taking responsibility.
But that also means she needs to sort her feelings out and a 3rd party would probably be the best at this stage.
Maybe family counselling too so you can step up in a way that is working for you but is also helping your dd bond and become a mother. I would be afraid that stepping up too much and doing too much for her re caring for the child could be detrimental too.

I don't think this is a thread bashing young mums. Plenty of 19 year olds choose to be, and are, amazing parents. It's just that this young lady at the moment isn't.
I absolutely echo PP's about getting outside support involved. If you and your dd are trying to fix this between you then the emotions involved will be too much, but someone impartial can help more dispassionately, and that's probably what you both need. I know that mother daughter relationships can be fraught, and this situation may be bringing out the worst in both of you.
And if at the end of the day all options are exhausted, if your daughter really doesn't want to be a mum, and you or your wider family don't feel able to raise this child, then why should there be a stigma to adoption? After all if the dd had had an abortion would people be up in arms about that?

Some really disgusting attitudes to adoption on this thread!
Can you engage your brains a bit and consider the fact that there may be adoptees and adopters reading this? How do you think they might feel having their adoptive relationships in effect dismissed and ridiculed by these frankly quite nasty opinions.