How to encourage my daughter to look after her daughter?

[Tirednanny]

Ahh I'm up again after getting my granddaughter back to sleep and I'm getting more and more fed up with the situation I'm in.
I have two daughters (they are 10 years apart) my youngest is only 19 and 4 months ago gave birth to my wonderful granddaughter. It has been a very difficult time my daughter hid her pregnancy from everyone while she was away at uni and I was devastated she couldn't confide in me or her sister. She admitted that she drank and smoke throughout the pregnancy and just hoped it would all go away. She has always been very immature for her age and I was understandably very worried about the situation. So she came home and was planning on transferring to the local uni and told me she was ready to do so and had it all in place. She completely lied to me again and has stayed at a her original uni 100 miles away!!! She originally told me she only had to go one day a week and would do distance learning yet another lie as she goes two or three times a week leaving me to look after my granddaughter. Even when she is at home I am the one looking after her. I'm starting to feel really angry with the situation I've been out in. On a Friday I have always picked up my oldest grandson (my other daughter has two boys the youngest who is disabled) from school he enjoys having one to one time as understandably his brother needs a lot of care and attention from his mum and dad. I love my Fridays with him, this Friday while I was at work in the morning my youngest daughter asked if I could pick up granddaughter from nursery as she wasn't feeling well. I said I would after I had got grandson from school. I get home with both children and youngest daughter informs me she is feeling much better and has had the best treatment done on her eyebrows. I was absolutely furious to say the least and the resentment is starting to build from her selfish ways. I keep encouraging her to look after her daughter as she won't make any bottles(when I reused she went out and bought cartons of ready made) she doesn't ever pick her up leaves her in her cot to cry and I can't stand it so always go to get her. She was the one who said she wanted this baby despite not wanting the father involved. However she is not looking after her at all I am. I didn't choose this and I'm getting older and tired. I don't know what to do as I don't want my granddaughter to be neglected and I fear she would if I left my youngest daughter on her own to cope.

I agree with potential PND - GP for her and may be worth speaking to the uni yourself. I know she is an adult and responsible for her own education but she's not going to lectures if she's at home so it would make sense to ask if she can defer a year, that gives her time to decide whether to transfer or go back to the old one in a year's time. Once you have the info from them you can support her in contacting them to arrange what she wants to happen.

I worked with young mothers for many years and this isn't unique at all. I would question whether uni even know? If she gave birth in the summer it's possible they don't. Possibly not her friends either.

This needs addressing. Arrange a meeting with the hv and ask about support available, obviously including your dd. I would be inclined to suggest taking a year out of uni and then working on a 'handover' of care period in which she gains the confidence and skills to care safely. Some areas may have schemes aimed at supporting vulnerable young parents.

This includes learning to budget, priorities and all sorts of adulting she has simply not had to learn until now. And obviously get advice on possible pnd or other mh issues.

Unless you get proactive this situation will drag on and likely get worse. She will spend more and more time away and essentially you will become the full time primary carer. Best wishes with this, you are going to have to put up with her protests. Don't make threats unless you will carry them through, though. The leaving the baby to scream isn't ok and she needs to understand about neglect. This really will take some time.

She's a teenager, they are inherently lazy and she's getting away with not parenting her child because she knows you will do it. I don't think it's not bonding, it's more can't be arsed frankly. Nothing in her life has changed, you're the one bearing the impact of her choices. And for as long as you are picking up the slack, nothing will change. I think you need to involve her HV, and express your concerns. She made a decision to become a parent, and you are enabling her to not be.....harsh as that sounds.

I think getting the Hv involved is your first step call them today your daughter needs support your dd going back to uni when her baby is 4 months old is unusual isn't it ? Sheis in some sort of denial that her life will/can continue as before and you will just look after the baby,

I think they need to move out. She's not doing anything at the moment because she knows you'll do it.

I think moving out is a terrible idea she isn't equipped to move out with a baby atm.

RoboticMary and MatildaTheCat both have great advice. Please listen to them. Your DD needs to put Uni on hold. She can’t carry on as if nothing has happened (and expect you to pick up the pieces). If she refuses to engage with you and care for her DD, then you should involve SS.

Maybe adoption would be the best thing for her DD. Of course it is a last resort but I don’t know why some PPs think it would be so terrible for the baby to live with a family that actually want her.

Your granddaughter’s brain is currently being damaged by neglect and not forming a secure attachment to her primary caregiver. She will be disadvantaged for life unless something is done, and soon.
Adoption is not an easy solution but this child needs proper care

Could you sit down and look at what she is 'getting' from you ie. rent/ help with nursery etc - and explain that this is conditional.

Be supportive, tell her you know it is really hard but can you talk through calmly with her issues like attachment/ bonding/ how important it is that she feeds and holds her baby?

She must be terrified - can you make a deal whereby you say you will do some babysitting and ensure she can enjoy being young to a certai extent - but you have to see her making an effort with her baby - and that if she messes you around /lies to you to get childcare you will simply end it.

Assuming you want them both to stay with you, at least for the time being, then I think you both need external support - first of all, you need support to get this over to her and then she needs help to make decisions. There are a number of charities and organisations working all over the UK, for example the Young Mothers Trust - ymgt.org.uk - and Family Lives, but google "support for young mothers" and see what there is in your area.

Definitely health visitor, GP (these two particularly to check about PND and bonding issues), Sure Start, local family centre - see who has the best "offer" to help you both (sometimes the local NHS services aren't the brightest and best so make several enquiries). I'd also be telling her that she needs to talk to the pastoral care/student welfare people to see if she can get transferred, 100 miles away is never ever going to work. Sit with her whilst she looks it up/makes the call. I bet the uni don't even know her circumstances.

You've done a fabulous job so far OP and given that baby a good start that your DD can't give at the moment, but there's a long way to go, so use whatever tools you can to get help.

the baby is not being damaged by neglect as quite clearly the grandmother is giving him lots of loving!

The baby is not being damaged the baby is being cared for by either granor nursery

If she moves out, that poor baby will left to cry and probably neglected to a serious level. Those of you violently reacting to the adoption idea, well, there are so many children in this world that would have been better off adopted from when they were babies than staying with their uninterested and often abusive parents. But it's not simple for obvious reasons to 'just put the baby up for adoption'. That doesn't mean that it wouldn't be her best chance at life.

I think OP you need to call in support, HV, GP and counsellor. Parenting classes, a daily routine with the baby, etc. It doesn't sound like University fits in right now. She wasn't ready for and doesn't want this baby, that's clear. But I'm not sure it's set in stone yet that she can't be a good mother to it.

If I was you, despite being tired and not wanting to be a Mum again, id be preparing to apply for custody of the child pending the result of all the support she can get externally. She may have had the baby but you raised her so you are tied up in this (not blaming, just pointing out that this has happened to her, and has happened to you). As the responsible adult here, for the sake of this baby you may need to become a parent again.

Adoption isn't a magical fix for attachment issues, it's likely to make them worse. It's a last resort where the baby's family can't possibly look after them at all.

And yes as PP said this baby is not being neglected as she is being cared for and forming attachments. No matter how obviously the mother is struggling.

Of course it's an option to consider but it's not a magic fix-it solution.

Matilda's advice is excellent.

She could also be just selfish young lady, many exist, if she has always been selfish and immature. I doubt it's PND as these issues ignoring pregnancy, smoking and drinking she sounds like someone who won't face their responsibility as they do not want to disrupt their own routine and life.

I'd be furious OP I am not sure what you can do, I'm glad it dgd has you at least. Can you speak to health visitor be very honest, see what supports they can help with too. Parenting classes and the like.

Sorry I just saw that Matilda had already said something along the lines of what I said, and yes, definitely a good plan.

I don't feel for your daughter because shes 19 which whilst young is adult age.
She could have used contraception
Failing that she could have taken morning after pill
Both those things used on a daily basis by many teenagers and adult women across the country

She decided she wanted to keep the baby in an age where abortion is not a taboo
She could have put the child up for adoption

It doesnt sound like she has PND, it sounds like shes really immature and selfish. Have a word. A big, angry word.

Not on.

DO bear in mind that punishing the DD is not going to have any effect. I agree that external support is needed (and she may well have PND) to help you work out the best way forward, but ordering her to take care of the baby without getting her MH checked and putting support in place is going to be of no benefit to anyone.

I could have written this myself op. My dd had her first child, which she initially hid from us, at 15. She needed considerable support, which we and everyone else gave, but she started going out in the evenings. At first just Saturdays and I was happy to help out. Soon it was every night and she was so very horrible to us, that it was better when she went. She was so desperate to get away.

She just completely stopped caring for him because we were always there to step in. My younger dd was helping out a lot and I blame myself for the disruption of her childhood. After a blazing row, she left home, said she had been thrown out and was housed by a local organisation. She was pregnant again by 17 and again hid this.

She came back home to have the baby and the cycle occurred again. She did say she wanted him adopted, but childrens services asked my dh and myself. She left home again, taking the youngest with her. She could not take her eldest because we had a RO.

We were later called to take the youngest by the Police and asked to apply for an RO for him too.

I have brought up both boys. I don't regret it at all but it has not been easy. The children have not been the problem, it has been the father of the eldest who has taken me to court for contact which was an awful ordeal.

Your dd really does need to step up. The lies sound so familiar and it is shock after shock. Trust your instinct, even if you want to believe what she is telling you. She is putting her own needs and enjoyment before her child and it is fine because you are there to step up.

I know you will be worried about her giving up on her education but she chose to have her child and that brings with it responsibilities. She could go back to uni later on.

Please feel free to pm me.

I am flabbergasted that people are suggesting adoption for this child

ref adoption. its not that shocking a suggestion. there are a few options here

DD steps up, and takes on responsibility for her child
OP continues to carry the burden
Child is adopted by a family who really want children

to some extent the DD needs to see this, that if she doesn't get help she might either lose her child, or lose parental responsibility, and lose the good relationship she has with her Mother to boot

OP get some help here, and yes where is the dad and his family in all of this?

Please ignore the people suggesting to adopt out your granddaughter this is a terrible thought to have for a child who is extremely loved in her home.

I really think like I said before your daughter is suffering from postnatal depression, she just hasn’t accepted the baby but with a lot of support and help she will love her and want to spend time with her please speak to your doctor or health visitor and get her the help she needs

The reason MNetters are suggesting adoption is actually for the child's benefit. At her age she'd be better off being handed over to a couple who desperately want a baby and will love her to bits than a girl who will never bond with her and frankly never be a great mum to her. It's sad, but she can't cope and as long as that's the case the reality is that you're the child's mum. Your DD leaving the baby to cry and not picking her up will do her lasting emotional damage.

OP, I'm terribly sorry that you have found yourself in such a terrible position. I really, really feel for you.

Hardly shocking that some have raised the spectre of adoption, OP's daughter is not coping and she may or may not come to accept this responsibility. The OP may well be horrified at the prospect of adoption, in which case she can ignore those suggestions; equally, she may be relieved to know that random strangers on the internet wouldn't judge her for discussing such a drastic move with her daughter.

Good luck.

I know someone in your situation OP, the difference being that the daughter is a real bitch to her mother and daughter. If she really doesn't give a shit about her, I don't know if you can change that.