Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

How to encourage my daughter to look after her daughter?

115 replies

Tirednanny · 09/10/2017 01:43

Ahh I'm up again after getting my granddaughter back to sleep and I'm getting more and more fed up with the situation I'm in.
I have two daughters (they are 10 years apart) my youngest is only 19 and 4 months ago gave birth to my wonderful granddaughter. It has been a very difficult time my daughter hid her pregnancy from everyone while she was away at uni and I was devastated she couldn't confide in me or her sister. She admitted that she drank and smoke throughout the pregnancy and just hoped it would all go away. She has always been very immature for her age and I was understandably very worried about the situation. So she came home and was planning on transferring to the local uni and told me she was ready to do so and had it all in place. She completely lied to me again and has stayed at a her original uni 100 miles away!!! She originally told me she only had to go one day a week and would do distance learning yet another lie as she goes two or three times a week leaving me to look after my granddaughter. Even when she is at home I am the one looking after her. I'm starting to feel really angry with the situation I've been out in. On a Friday I have always picked up my oldest grandson (my other daughter has two boys the youngest who is disabled) from school he enjoys having one to one time as understandably his brother needs a lot of care and attention from his mum and dad. I love my Fridays with him, this Friday while I was at work in the morning my youngest daughter asked if I could pick up granddaughter from nursery as she wasn't feeling well. I said I would after I had got grandson from school. I get home with both children and youngest daughter informs me she is feeling much better and has had the best treatment done on her eyebrows. I was absolutely furious to say the least and the resentment is starting to build from her selfish ways. I keep encouraging her to look after her daughter as she won't make any bottles(when I reused she went out and bought cartons of ready made) she doesn't ever pick her up leaves her in her cot to cry and I can't stand it so always go to get her. She was the one who said she wanted this baby despite not wanting the father involved. However she is not looking after her at all I am. I didn't choose this and I'm getting older and tired. I don't know what to do as I don't want my granddaughter to be neglected and I fear she would if I left my youngest daughter on her own to cope.

OP posts:

NooNooHead1981 · 09/10/2017 12:07

As someone who is adopted, and who has seen the life I could have had if I wasn't adopted, I am obviously biased but I see nothing wrong with adoption given the love, care, hugely better life and circumstances I have had with my wonderful parents. My life would have been a million times worse/different if I had stayed with my birth mum.

Having said that, I am not saying adoption is by any means necessarily the easy or 'correct' choice for anyone. I know that the number of tiny babies available for adoption these days is certainly fewer than when I was adopted 36 years ago, and I'm sure the process is equally hard going, if not harder, jumping through all the social services hoops.

I would only ever consider adoption if I had really and honestly given every other avenue complete thought and consideration, and even then, could never imagine the heart-wrenching awfulness of how you would feel after.

My birth mum said there wasn't a day during the past 36 years that she didn't think of her decision to give me up. And I think that is something not to be taken lightly at all.

NooNooHead1981 · 09/10/2017 12:10

Thank you madbum - I am an adoptee and am shocked at what some people are saying. Adoption, while not always wonderful for everyone, is certainly better than a child being brought up by parents who are unable or unwilling to look after them. Every child deserves the best in life, unconditionally, no matter what, and if adoption helps them to achieve this, then it's bloody great.

BlueSapp · 09/10/2017 12:15

Encouraging the break up of a loving family(after all if OP did not love either her daughter or granddaughter, then she would not be looking for advise on how to fix the relationships) is where I have a problem, adoption in MHO is absoultly the last last thread that should ever be considered, so for it to be put on here as the easy solution to the issue is nasty.

Pepole who are adopted and people who want to adopt are not being battered here.

Ttbb · 09/10/2017 12:20

You reap what you sow I am afraid. I don't think she'll ever be a good enough mother to her daughter even if she does become a bit more involved-is there someone who can take her? You or another relative? What of the father and his family?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 09/10/2017 12:24

What a difficult situation.

In the matter of adoption - a generation or two ago, when there was huge social stigma around being pregnant outside wedlock, adoption was pushed as the only solution and a woman who tried to keep her baby and bring the child up as a single mother would have had a very hard time, often being disowned by her family.

Times are very different now. There are very few women (fortunately) who give birth with no family support at all. Once the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins have formed a bond with the baby, they are far more likely to take over care if the mother can't or won't look after the baby adequately. I doubt there are many families where adoption would be anything other than an absolute last resort in those circumstances. I think that's what people are saying here, not saying adoption is a terrible thing.

Poppyred85 · 09/10/2017 13:32

Have SS or mental health team been involved with your daughter before or since the birth? IME concealed pregnancy is a massive red flag and would usually mean some form of SS, community mental health involvement or at the very least HV keeping a close eye on things. I know you said dd didn't want baby's father involved but where is he in this? Does he know she had the baby? Regardless of what she is doing now, she is not the only one responsible for this child. Clearly dd needs to step up but so does dad.

existentialmoment · 09/10/2017 13:37

Your granddaughter deserves better. Would you consider having her adopted?

What a very stupid question. OP cannot "have her adopted". She would have no say in it either way.

specialsubject · 09/10/2017 13:50

There is no easy solution to an unwanted pregnancy, but now it is an unwanted child...

The kid is here and deserves to feel wanted. Its mother should step up, but if she makes her resentment clear the damage will be huge.

onlyonaTuesday · 09/10/2017 13:50

My sister gave birth at 15 . She also hid her pregnancy and only told us when her waters broke.
It was a really bad time for everyone as no one had time to prepare.
It was really hard for her to bond with the baby as she had been in denial for so long.
My mother sat her down and asked her what she wanted to do. She wanted to keep him.
We had lots of help from social services and health visitors.
It was a really slow process and it took her a long time to realise that she was solely responsible for this baby.
My advice would be to sit down with her.
Contact university, ask if they know she has a child.
Get all the help you need as a family.

ladystarkers · 09/10/2017 13:55

Op what a tough situation. Dd may have pnd or orehaps shes just very selfish. Hvand gp first route. Adoption a bit if leap?

Pandoraphile · 09/10/2017 15:36

I had a baby at 19. I was mid way through my Law degree, so I took a year out to stay at home with her for her first year then returned to Uni full time and graduated a year later than planned. It can be done.

Branleuse · 09/10/2017 15:44

I think tbh, you just need to accept that your grandaughter will be brought up by you. I dont think your dd is going to adequately step up to the mark now if she hasnt already

Original poster

Tirednanny · 09/10/2017 15:46

Thanks for all your responses. I was tired and probably sounded too grumpy. Now I have bonded with my granddaughter and I love her dearly I could never consider adoption. I just feel it's all been sprung upon me and I'm tired and worried. Of course I would never neglect my granddaughter she is the happiest smokiest baby you've ever seen. My daughter does like some of the fun stuff in small doses takes lots of pictures of her and buys her lots of material stuff but she is not present enough with her time. I did consider pnd and will certainly talk to her again however, i think as is just wanting life to go back to the way things were before. I also love both of my daughters and was devastated she couldn't tell me she was pregnant. As far as the father is concerned my daughter refuses to talk about it both me and my elldest daughter have asked her numerous times but she just says she doesn't know between two men (I know how bad that is) and neither would be interested. At the time I just wanted her to be safe and not feel like I was judging her when she told me. I keep telling her not to go out but she often does. She has a very large contribution to her nursery fees through her student loan and parents learning allowance. I do not ask her for rent but do ask her to pay for food and a proportion of some of the bills she has no problem doing this.
I'm going to have a big chat with her tonight. My eldest daughter is trying to help as well but keeps telling me not to be soft and make younger daughter help out more. I need to work on this. I also need to make sure I continue to maintain a good relationship with my elder daughter as she never asks for help but I know life is tough for her with my youngest grandson and I don't want to miss out on the boys growing up.
If my daughter refuses to change I will have to accept I'm the main care giver and look into parental responsibility at a much later date if needed.
I was just worn out and fed up after getting up numerous times in the night when I sent original post

OP posts:

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 09/10/2017 15:47

Spot on. This was why I was so shocked it was being suggested almost casually as a "solution" so early in the discussion. Adopters do an incredible job and often in the most difficult of circumstances with very little support. My cousin was adopted at birth (my grandparents wanted to raise him but birth mother didn't agree). I found out by sheer accident that he existed. He later made contact with his birth family and while it is working out fantastically (and his adoptive family are the most amazing people) even me who is quite removed from the situation feels like we all missed out in so many different ways. My grandfather died before he made contact, so did an aunt.

My only other experience of adoption is in a professional capacity where social services are involved due to concerns about risk of significant harm however in those cases all family and friend options have to be explored and ruled out before the courts will agree to an order. I'm not sure if the same would apply in the case of a child being relinquished but it could be the father's family step up and then OP is on a totally different situation altogether.

Branleuse · 09/10/2017 15:50

i bet you are worn out. My sons best friend is being brought up by his nana, as her son and DIL were not appropriate to look after the baby, so she has had him from birth. I know she finds it exhausting as she is in her 60s, but I think sometimes this is just something that can happen in a family. If I had to do it, I would too. Youre kind of in limbo at the moment though arent you as shes still trying to play mum a bit, just inadequately. Thank Goodness you are there!

TheFirstMrsDV · 09/10/2017 16:06

I am an adopter.
I still think that suggesting adoption as a first resort is bloody ridiculous.
I very much doubt it would be suggested so quickly if the DD was 29 rather than 19.
Harks back to when teenager mothers were a handy suppliers of babies for 'decent' families.

However happy you are to have adopted or to be adopted is is the last resort, not the first.

TheFirstMrsDV · 09/10/2017 16:12

OP I really sympathise with you.
You may find that raising the possibility of you becoming your GD's legal guardian is enough to wake your DD up.
She is still very young and has time to get her act together. Most of us were selfish at that age.
Is there any way to subtly withdraw support bit by bit? Rather than put your foot down and tell her to get on with it and risk a huge upset?

I don't know what I would do in your situation. Its something I have worried about. I became a parent to someone else's child with very little notice and its had a massive impact on my life even though I adore the child more than I can say.
The child I adopted has LDs and I do worry what will happen if/when he becomes a parent and whether I will find myself caring for a grandchild as a main carer.

I hope things work out ok

BlueSapp · 09/10/2017 16:12

OP you are doing the best in this difficult situation. Be kind to yourself and speak honestly with your daughter, I think this will help. Wishing you all the best.

5rivers7hills · 09/10/2017 16:24

If she doesn't know between two men then she needs to DNA test to find out. (I don't think that sounds bad - plenty of single women sleep with multiple men and potentially wouldn't know)

Time to start acting like a grown up.

The man deserves to know, and the baby deserves the mans support.

Branleuse · 09/10/2017 17:09

If she doesnt want the guy to know, thats entirely up to her

nocoolnamesleft · 09/10/2017 18:05

Hello OP

I just wanted to comment on one thing in your update. You say that your other daughter agrees that this daughter needs to help out more.

That is wrong. She needs to parent, and you help out. Not the other way round. If you phrase it as her helping out, you are conceding that it's all your job really. Please, you need to phrase it that she needs to step up, and be a mum, but that you will help. As it is her responsibility.

specialsubject · 09/10/2017 18:36

Thank goodness for you, op. Poor baby.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/10/2017 18:58

would never neglect my granddaughter she is the happiest smokiest baby

Sorry OP that make
Me giggle

I think given your love is so strong the adoption route is a no go . I have friends who have successfully adopted so insome cases it's by far the best option but not hear clearly

Hers the deal though your daughter needs to woman the fuck up / or more gently be told that if she need to get some help and step up and if she can't you willlook for the PR

You do need some support here but not sure if scare tactic would work with her - you know her the best

The problems as you are stepping up she is still acting like a child

Good luck OP you are an amazing granny

Fattychan123 · 09/10/2017 19:08

Hi op. Hats off to you for helping so much it must be tough.

I'm not saying this is the case however is it
Possible your daughter didn't consent to the intercourse that's why she's in denial about having a daughter and the lack of bond

It would possibly explain why she doesn't want to have the father involved and is making this excuses ?

I have seen this happen before x

LaughingElliot · 09/10/2017 20:18

Noonoo it is lovely to read that you were given a good life by your adoptive parents .

In my work I come into contact with hundreds of children of inadequate parents and they are on a fast track to lives of poverty and problems. Some of them get adopted by about age 4 but by then are so damaged that multiple agencies are involved and there is a massive amount of remedial work to do.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread