To think this is unnecessary.

[R2G]

BIL has come into some money. Wants to give his ex a substantial amount because she has his kids and lives in rented accom. My sister has lived with him for years. Some money is going to house renovations on there house. However he always said that he would get married it was just a money issue. Now he is saying marriage was never important and he hasn't got it as giving it away to ex. My DS has taken them on holiday each year etc too. AIBU to think he should be putting his current partner first? He already pays maintenance, half towards everything, childcare etc so it's not that his ex and children are not supported.

@R2G I agree. Hopefully she will.

It kind of sounds like he is using her to benefit his children also. Of course I could be wrong.

The more I read the more I hope she leaves him. She sounds so kind, Shes wasted on him hes so self centered.

I think you should talk to your sister, let her know that she's not unreasonable to expect him to think of her too. The kids already have 3 holidays a year, two of them with their mum. Another one won't make any difference to them.

Sister needs to see what we can see, that he's been using her, even if he does love her, he's been stringing her along all these years about the marriage. It's only come out now because of the money. How many more years would he have carried on promising marriage, whilst having no intention of getting married?

Don't know why you've been getting so much stick. Lack of reading comprehension I suppose, or simple twisting of the facts to suit the posters agenda. It's exasperating, but try not to let them get to you.

I think your sister should suggest he needs all the money to house himself and his children. I wouldn’t be comfortable with him contributing towards an extension because it might give him some sort of rights over her home. He isn’t committed to her. She should back away.

Yes it bothered me that sister is automatically painted as grasping step mum with no regard for children, twisted logic indeed.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with him contributing towards an extension because it might give him some sort of rights over her home.

I was just going to post the same thing.

I can see why this would be upsetting for you op, watching from the sidelines. Your sister sounds lovely but unfortunetly has been taken for granted for too long. A bit too self sacrificing I think! She must love him deeply so it's kind of tragic he doesn't treasure her like she deserves. I agree with others there's nothing wrong with him spending money on his kids but that's not what this is about, it's about the fact your sister is last in the pecking order of his life but she's put him first every time.

He's not committed to her that's clear tbh and she deserves better. It's unlikely she will leave him though with all that investment, the relationships with her step children and the years together. The kindest thing you can do is to probably take her abroad yourself if only you could afford it or if not maybe kidnap her for a girlie weekend at a spa hotel or something. You sound lovely too just like your sister so maybe you can support her through this shitty time of realisation he's not wanting marriage.

Jesus, I wish people would RTFT and not jump to massive, judgemental conclusions.

OP, your sister sounds lovely. And her bf sounds like a great dad. But unfortunately he does not sound like a great bf.

She's clearly more invested in him (both emotionally and financially) than he is in her, and honestly she should be leaving him to find someone who will put her first occasionally, or at least recognise her sacrifice.
I realise that will be hard tho as I imagine she loves those kids.

She loves them as if they were her own and has a pet rabbit at her house for them that she looks after. That's a fantastic idea. Yes I have the funds. Certainly for the spa idea. She would love a yoga type retreat I think too and is a year off a special birthday.

Your sister sounds like she loves children and only hasn't had one because of his children. Depending on her age, she needs to decide if she'll still be happy with this in 10 years time when she's still not married to him, or he's left her.

Obviously if she's in her 20's, she has longer to think about this than if she's older, but she needs to seriously think about her future

How old is your sister OP?

39 next month

Well, you could tell him.

I don't think that's my place Jux. She's opened up a little bit about being disappointed.

R2G. I feel for your sister and think she's being treated badly, first by her partner and secondly by many on this thread. You need to learn that on MN the stepmother, second wife etc. is always vilified. Birth mothers, first wives are angels who can do no wrong and stepmums, subsequent wives are wicked, gold digging husband stealers no matter what the facts of the situation are.

God is frustrating when posters don’t READ the OPs posts.
She ISNT EXPECTING THE BIL TO CHOOSE HER OVER HIS CHILDREN!!
She quite rightly doesn’t understand why a holiday abroad with Dad and step mum wouldn’t be a fairer use for the money.
If mum didn’t ever go abroad and had to stay in the uk because of finances - then yes, it would be understandable. However this is NOT** the case. It’s entirely the opposite. ! She goes twice a year.. while OPs sister stays home.

As ever, the MN stepmother bashers are out in full force. Can you not understand that there are some genuinely kind sm out there who go out of their way to make their Dsc lives more pleasant ?

This lady sound really kind. The marriage is a separate issue. I think she has been used by the ‘wonderful father’ as a comfortable home for him and his dcs. Now he has money she is no longer required.

Tell her to leave him to it. No one in their right mind without their own massive savings or trust fund has a child without getting married. (Well they do but end up totally screwed if if goes wrong) she needs to meet a new guy who values her for her kind heart, get married and have babies. Let this lot sort themselves out. Sounds to me like he still hasn’t gotten over the mother of her children.

Totally agree with everything kittens has said