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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unnecessary.

118 replies

R2G · 09/10/2017 01:06

BIL has come into some money. Wants to give his ex a substantial amount because she has his kids and lives in rented accom. My sister has lived with him for years. Some money is going to house renovations on there house. However he always said that he would get married it was just a money issue. Now he is saying marriage was never important and he hasn't got it as giving it away to ex. My DS has taken them on holiday each year etc too. AIBU to think he should be putting his current partner first? He already pays maintenance, half towards everything, childcare etc so it's not that his ex and children are not supported.

OP posts:
guilty100 · 09/10/2017 14:10

Sounds to me like your BIL is massively taking your SIL for granted. She sounds pretty self-sacrificing and the very reverse of grabby to me.

CoolCarrie · 09/10/2017 14:11

This is clearly a lousy situation for your sister, a deal breaker.
She needs to have a real heart to heart with him, and take it from there, maybe she needs to cut her losses,as he doesn't seem to see how unfair he is being.

In her shoes, I would end the relationship, it seems she has done all the compromising, putting her life on hold for him, and he hasn't taken her feelings into account at all. She deserves better.

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 14:11

I wonder yet. That makes me very sad.

OP posts:
Ghanagirl · 09/10/2017 14:11

Majormanner why is worrying about your sister such a crime?
Lots of people take the "mind your own business" stance and in some cases it can lead women being isolated by controlling partners or children being neglected or abused.
I know this is not the case here but you should be concerned about your siblings and nieces nephews etc

deepestdarkestperu · 09/10/2017 14:12

I think your sister needs to stand up for herself a bit more. Does he pay rent and his fair share of bills for him and his DC?

FinallyHere · 09/10/2017 14:12

Sorry, OP.

He currently needs a child friendly, not too demanding partner, and your sister appears to be happy to be that person

Wonder what he will want in maybe ten years, when the children no longer need a mother figure in his home? Anyone want to take a bet?

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 14:16

Deepest - as far as I know he does, but if he needs to pay late for whatever reason he doesn't consult her just says oh I needed uniform etc/ pay for a party so I'll give it mid month. That can leave a shortfall and the sacrifices made on her part - e.g. Reschedule a hair appointment until she has spare money.

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 09/10/2017 14:17

Good points from deepest there, R2G.
The fact that it's your sister's house means that she has a roof over her head is great, he will have to move out and use his money to buy himself a place WHEN , not if, she tells him to sling his hook, which she really should. He is a good dad,but a crap partner.

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 14:17

I don't think that happens a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 14:18

No heat. No children. She sacrificed that to make sure children boy girl didn't have to share a room.

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 09/10/2017 14:18

Don't let her waste any more of her life on him. I bet his ex never had to do without anything

deepestdarkestperu · 09/10/2017 14:21

So it's her house, and because of his poor organisation/financial planning, he can't always afford to pay his share of rent/bills?

If I were her, I would be telling to move out, on the basis that she can't afford to sub him anymore. He's made it very clear that he doesn't intend to marry her. Also, it seems to me that he's happy to live wth her because there's no consequences if he pays his rent or bills late. If he was living on his own, I imagine he wouldn't pay his LL or mortgage payments mid-month - he only does it because he can get away with it.

He needs to stand on his own two feet and provide a home for his children without your sister's help, especially as he's not willing to commit to her in any legal way.

howtodowills · 09/10/2017 14:22

Your sis should leave.

He wants to invest in his ex rather than his current partner. There are lots of ways to help his kids which don't rely on giving their mum money. Of course your sis should "feel the benefit" of a windfall - she's his life partner (or thought she was!!)

A wake up call for her. 💐

Witsender · 09/10/2017 14:22

She sounds great. He sounds like he loves his kids. But the two aren't connected, if I were her I would be taking this as a serious message that she needs to consider whether he can give her what she needs/deserves.

LuckLuckLUCK · 09/10/2017 14:26

God, I feel for your sister, what an awful realisation. And it's ridiculous to suggest its not any of your business, she's your sister for goodness sake!

Welwyncitydweller · 09/10/2017 14:29

OP, my sister deeply regretted not intervening in my toxic marriage when she witnessed how my ex behaved towards me (I don’t in the least blame her for not) so it’s worth opening a discussion with your sis. Good luck

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 14:32

Thanks Welwyn.

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 09/10/2017 14:41

I don't understand why he wants to send the mum & kids away on holiday. They already have holidays so it's not like she never goes away. Why wouldn't he want to take the kids away himself, with his current partner?

I see you're point OP and agree. If I was your sister I'd be pissed off that he wanted to send the mother away on hol. Especially as she has a new partner who she ran off with who now provides for them.

If I was your sister I'd be getting rid.

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 14:47

Yes that was a lot of pre- judgement at the start of this post that my sister was a selfish money grabber who wanted to sweep the aside and had been on the scene for five minutes. Likewise, insinuations that she was a home wrecker (for want of a better term) and that the ex was some sort of downtrodden single parent who has existed on crumbs to this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 14:50

Neither she nor BIL would see the kids without anything. Any time she does assert herself - like getting upset about this - that's the attitude because she's only the step mother. Selfish woman can't you see it's for the CHILDREN. I think he plays on this far too much. Yes the children deserve to see the benefit of the money of course, but she should also be able to share in the good fortune. Not watch from the sidelines while everyone else enjoys it.

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 09/10/2017 14:53

*your

One Wine too many last night Sad

ShiveryTimbers · 09/10/2017 14:55

Getting married doesn't take loads of money -- a registry office and a picnic is cheap enough. The money is a red herring.

If she wants marriage and children, she should probably get out and look for somebody who wants them too, before it's too late.

WomblingThree · 09/10/2017 15:02

He’s not that into her. Basically he’s using her because she’s convenient - she’s low maintenance, behaves herself, does what he’s wants without moaning, and spends money on him.

When his kids are grown, he will dump her and move on with lightning speed. I would be advising her to stop wasting time on him and get out while she can.

Subtlecheese · 09/10/2017 15:04

He is spending on his kids. Which is fine. But he isn't committed to your sister.

DancesWithOtters · 09/10/2017 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.