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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unnecessary.

118 replies

R2G · 09/10/2017 01:06

BIL has come into some money. Wants to give his ex a substantial amount because she has his kids and lives in rented accom. My sister has lived with him for years. Some money is going to house renovations on there house. However he always said that he would get married it was just a money issue. Now he is saying marriage was never important and he hasn't got it as giving it away to ex. My DS has taken them on holiday each year etc too. AIBU to think he should be putting his current partner first? He already pays maintenance, half towards everything, childcare etc so it's not that his ex and children are not supported.

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 09/10/2017 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deepestdarkestperu · 09/10/2017 15:15

I've just RTFT and then re-read your OP, and I think he sounds very lovely tbh.

Really? While it's great he supports his kids and their mum, I don't think he sounds like a great partner. OP has admitted he doesn't always pay his rent on time, and anything the kids need take priority over paying his own way in his girlfriend's house.

Personally, I think he sounds like a bit of a piss-taker and a freeloader.

Stylestruggleisreal · 09/10/2017 15:23

Well I'm going against the grain, after reading the replies from you, OP. She'd be called not fit to burn if she did nothing for the kids. She's also good enough to have them practically half the week, yet doesn't get a say where some money goes.

Your DSis sounds like a wonderful Stepmum and clearly wants to create a settled family life for the children at her home.

Maybe pop over to the Step-parenting board where you'll get some advice and maybe some "we completely understand's".

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 15:23

If you had read the full thread you would see that my sister goes on a caravan holiday with his children. The mother goes abroad for a family holiday with her partner and kids, and has a week with her parents and kids.
The children are 10 and 8. My sister has been with him since the children were 3 and 1. They have lived with her since 4 and 2 (roughly)

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 09/10/2017 15:23

Danceswithotters, if you DID actually read the full thread you would know that it is the childrens mother who goes abroad twice a year and the Children go on a caravan holiday in the UK for two weeks with their father and stepmother, the UK holiday is obviously paid for by the Op's sis as she states that her sister gave up her holidaying abroad to finance the caravan holiday.

OP I would get your sister to mention the money directly to the childrens mum. Call me cynical but I would think that he has been playing both your sis and his ex off against each other.
'I can't afford much maintenance because I have to pay the mortgage and high bills'.
'I can't to pay much in expenses because my maintenance payments are so high!'

asprinklingofsugar · 09/10/2017 15:28

Dances from my understanding of the thread, it is the mother who goes away twice each year with the children, including taking them abroad, whereas op's sister and her partner take them on a UK caravan holiday. If I'm right about that, then op yanbu - I don't see why he can't spend the money on a nicer holiday for himself, your sister and his kids, instead of giving it to the mother (who left him for someone else!) to spend on yet another holiday. It sounds like the mother/her partner earn more than him so is he perhaps trying to prove that he can keep up with them in a way? I.e. look I can also pay for them to go on fancy holidays.

The marriage thing is a separate issue and regardless of the holiday, and how much he is planning to spend on that, I don't see why he can't take some of the money and spend it on getting married. OP the comments your sister made sounds like she's dissatisfied with the situation so will be interesting to see if she says anything to him- although from what else you've posted it sounds like she might not.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 09/10/2017 15:29

He’s still managed to arrange things so that he “can’t afford” to get married. And he’s done that quite deliberately.

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 15:31

My sister doesn't pay for the full caravan holiday: she pays half plus half the food/ spends when there and buys bits of clothes all year. However, I just meant she afforded a reasonable holiday for a week abroad, but could not afford to pay two weeks abroad plus children. So she's happy to make a longer holiday in the U.K. She's been so happy to give. I think it's just the realisation that she's still very much bottom of the pile. (Some of this is me reading between the lines. She has not completely opened up, just expressed dismay about what he's said his plans are for his windfall).

OP posts:
Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 15:32

Sugar. Think that's the nail on the head.

OP posts:
Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 15:33

He is a good father and still troubled not to be with them each day. It was not his choice. However, he's blind to my sisters contribution I feel and what she deserves in all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 15:37

Think the other thing that upset her was he said he'd discussed with his family/ friends (forget which) how best to do right by his ex/ kids. Think she was hoping (maybe at this point expecting) that there would be a discussion about her/ the future.

OP posts:
WhatsThisNow · 09/10/2017 15:41

Where's the money come from?

Ttbb · 09/10/2017 15:42

YABU. He's left her with the children the least he could do is make sure that his children are well provided for. If you DS really wanted to marry she should have found someone else. It only costs a few hundred pounds to marry, if he wanted to marry her he would have by now.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2017 15:48

Two things

Firstly he doesn’t want to marry. If he did he would have married her. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her, just he doesn’t want to get married. If you can afford two weeks in a caravan each year with two kids you can afford to get married.

Secondly, it sounds like he takes her for granted. He’s still trying to impress the ex. Your sister had acted like a door mat and did everything for him and he’s now used to her doing so, so feels no need to change thr status quo. This also doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her, simoly she’s always there, always taking any crumbs he throws her way and they have settled into a routine.

He wants to play the big man with the ex and show off by sending them on holiday. I guess the fact she screwed around on him and binned him still rankles with him and he wants to show her what’s she’s missing

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/10/2017 15:48

Hmm, I think he's now having to find another excuse not to get married since his first one's been blown out of the water. The question is how your sister feels about that idea

this, sadly

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 15:49

Ttbb. She left him as she fell in love with her boss.
He provides very well for the children, and my sister contributes also (in way of holidays, clothes, gifts) and in person (catering for their parties, cake for their parties, clearing up at their parties, stepping in to mind the children when mum has an appointment and dad at work). They have a lovely co parenting arrangement and he does not scrimp in any way towards the children and neither does my sister. Like any parent, all be it step parent she has been happy to sacrifice for the children, but when's it her turn?
Without saying to much - the money has come from legal compensation.

OP posts:
Flowergarden63 · 09/10/2017 15:49

Why can't the children be happy going on holiday with him and my sister? Rather than his ex have the lovely holiday

Erm because she's their motherHmm

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 09/10/2017 15:51

He doesn't want to marry her that's absolutely 100% clear and I would suggest that he doesn't see her as an integral part of his future.

Yes, it's great that he has this relationship with the kids. It's great that he's on such good terms with his ex. That will all pay huge dividends for the children's psychological wellbeing and is heartwarming and lovely and all that.

But your sister is a person too with one life to live. She needs to decide whether she's happy with what he's offering her. There's nothing wrong with her deciding she's better off out of a relationship that's never going to give her what she wants.

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 15:51

And he's their father?

OP posts:
Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 15:52

Thanks tragically. I agree.

OP posts:
Flowergarden63 · 09/10/2017 15:53

Does he still want to be with his ex wife?

Flowergarden63 · 09/10/2017 15:55

Your sister may want to make a swift exit or step back. It sounds like she is putting alot into the relationship and not geting the same back.

DrPill · 09/10/2017 15:57

I think it's admirable of him to want to help his ex and kids improve their living situation. Kids trump wives every time.
There are always excuses not to do something.

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 15:57

No I don't think it's that flower. Althoygh I'm sure he would like to be waking up to his children each day.

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Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 16:01

I'm hoping she can at least take a step back. Maybe half the extension (mess/stress she doesn't need, it was to make extra living space for the children. Yes it's coming out of his windfall so effectively could benefit her property, but she didn't want that anyway without being married as it is her property that she brought in her early twenties) and go away with friends or something.
Maybe a step back and then think about the magnanimous task of separating from the children/ him.

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