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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unnecessary.

118 replies

R2G · 09/10/2017 01:06

BIL has come into some money. Wants to give his ex a substantial amount because she has his kids and lives in rented accom. My sister has lived with him for years. Some money is going to house renovations on there house. However he always said that he would get married it was just a money issue. Now he is saying marriage was never important and he hasn't got it as giving it away to ex. My DS has taken them on holiday each year etc too. AIBU to think he should be putting his current partner first? He already pays maintenance, half towards everything, childcare etc so it's not that his ex and children are not supported.

OP posts:
ShapelyBingoWing · 09/10/2017 12:11

He's NBU by wanting to send a large sum over to his ex for his children.

Completely agree with this though:

I think he's now having to find another excuse not to get married since his first one's been blown out of the water.

He doesn't want to get married. Whether it's the timing, the bride or his views on marriage that's the problem is something your sister needs to think long and hard about.

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 13:18

She doesn't object to money being spent on the children and wasn't looking for a relaxing holiday, just looking for a family holiday (that was the plan a simple wedding and then a family holiday). This is why it seems so incongruent that the children have the nice holiday, but without her. She's not just a gf of a few months, she's been with BIL for many years. The children were small when they got together and she has them 3 days a week, does homework, school runs, meals, cares when sick etc. They would call her their step mother. She's not just arrived on the scene and demanding a flamboyant holiday for herself. She moved them into her home removing her home study etc and I just think she deserves better. She's confided that she's upset the first thought is to send the mum on holiday - there is no dual life where the mother has no holidays with the kids. The mother has two hols a year with them, one abroad with her partner and one with her parents. It's my sister who has the two weeks in a caravan. She used to go abroad for a week but was happy to change that for a British holiday to afford two weeks with the kids so they had a good block of time with their dad in the summer. Feel defensive towards her the way some posters are making out she's a money grabber. She's devoted herself to the family, and has been happy to put herself 'second'. Just as some posters say the dad should be celebrated for thinking of his children I think stepmother should too. And no her next plan isn't to have a baby- she gave up on that idea as there was no space in the house rather than force a boy/ girl to share. I think she deserves to share in his good fortune as her current partner and this is his opportunity to do it. I'm not going to mention it to her unless she mentions it again though.

OP posts:
existentialmoment · 09/10/2017 13:20

right so your sister got with a dude who left his GF with more than one baby, and now she's bitching that he won't marry her and wants to spend his money on his children?

Some many Hmm's for you all. You and your sister, yuck.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 09/10/2017 13:27

He's a good father.

You and your sister are being unbelievably unreasonable!

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 13:28

Existential.
No. His ex left him for her current partner who she had an affair with. My sister met him a year later, and loves the children as her own. Sacrificing having her own children to make sure they have a comfortable home. She has one wish - to be Married, not lavishly, and have not a honeymoon but a family holiday.

OP posts:
existentialmoment · 09/10/2017 13:31

She should probably find someone that wants to marry her then, because he doesn't.

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 13:34

trip trap. She doesn't stop him being a good father. She's just a bit baffled why he's sending the mum on her third holiday of the year instead of getting married and taking her and the children away.

OP posts:
Mama234 · 09/10/2017 13:35

He doesn't sound like he wants to get married..

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 13:36

Yeah you're probably right Exist and you can probably look at why you immediately assumed she was some sort of other woman who ripped 'the dude' from his kids... she looks after them half the week. Prejudice much?!

OP posts:
Mama234 · 09/10/2017 13:36

I also agree she deserves better

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 13:36

Definitely mama

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 09/10/2017 13:37

Because his kids are more important to him.

Maybe he also doesn't want to get married!

existentialmoment · 09/10/2017 13:39

you can probably look at why you immediately assumed she was some sort of other woman who ripped 'the dude' from his kids... she looks after them half the week. Prejudice much?!

well she's either with a man who left his very young children, or she's with someone who she gave up a lot for and want to marry but he doesn't feel the same way. Either way she comes off badly, and since she is complaining about him spending his money on his children instead of her, I don;t think I'm at all prejudiced, i'm judging on what you have said. Which is pretty bad.

Ghanagirl · 09/10/2017 13:40

OP your sister sounds lovely, her OH sounds like a good dad but not a good enough boyfriend!

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 13:43

Yes Trip Trap. I think the children are also so important to her. We treat them as part of our own family. There is nothing in this for my sister - no security, no recognition or gratitude (on his behalf. Not the children). I doubt she will leave him because she loves the children so much. Her self esteem seems low. I'm going to take a step back and let her come to me if she wants to talk Again. I too think with a heavy heart she should move on. It's too much for her to sacrifice in return for a piece of string with a carrot on the end.

OP posts:
Anecdoche · 09/10/2017 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 13:46

Yes Ghana that's what I would say. He's a wonderful father, the ex is a wonderful mother, my sister is a wonderful stepmother and she sacrifices too much for nothing in return.

OP posts:
Mama234 · 09/10/2017 13:47

He obviously can't see how lucky he is, Hopefully she will see the light soon and leave.

Majormanner · 09/10/2017 13:53

How he spends his money is none of your business. If he wishes to spend it on former partner and kids - good for him - lots of posts on here about bad dads. If DS is unhappy with that and not being married, she has the choice to leave him now before it gets serious. Perhaps that's the message he is sending her

deepestdarkestperu · 09/10/2017 13:54

I think he sounds like a good dad, but not a great boyfriend. It's admirable that he wants to support his ex and his children, but he clearly doesn't see your sister as a long-term feature in his life.

If he wanted to marry her, he would have done so by now. Marriage doesn't have to cost a huge amount of money - it's weddings that are the expensive bit! She either needs to accept this is the way it's always going to be, or move on and find someone who can commit to her in the way she wants.

I don't know why she's being slagged off, though. He could easily give money to his ex/children and save a bit to marry his current partner, if he wanted to.

Jaxhog · 09/10/2017 13:56

YABU, as it's really none of your business.

But if I was your DSis, I'd be rethinking my relationship.

Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 13:58

Major - I would say it is serious. They have been together for many years and she looks after the children/ lives with the children almost half the week so I think that is what the annoyance is about. False hope/ promises. She has waited patiently knowing it wasn't something to push when money was tighter (for him, his ex is very comfortable with her new partner of many years now who she left ex for, he owned the company where she worked and is 15 years older than her sowas eatablished).

OP posts:
Original poster
R2G · 09/10/2017 14:00

No jaxhog not my business. I think it's my sisters though. Seeing as they've all lived in her home for years.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/10/2017 14:00

Sounds like your sister (and you and your family) are being used to me, sorry. It sounds like she is a handy childminder and her, you and your family provide his children with extra care, attention and likely material things too while her partner provides nothing for her. I wonder if she will still be wanted when the children are grown and he has no need for a woman to help care for his kids?

heateallthebuns · 09/10/2017 14:09

Does she have children? If she's sacrificed having her own children for him, she should treat this as a wake up call. He's stringing her along and doesn't want to marry her. His children are his first priority as they should be, but it sounds like she's not a priority at all unless she's looking after his kids. She should leave him and find someone who will love her and want to have children and marry her.

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