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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful idea?

121 replies

Darknessinthevalley · 08/10/2017 11:21

My mum is 50 soon, a couple years yet but apparently we need to plan ahead. All told, there's 5 children, four with parents, and four grandchildren (currently, watch this space!) to consider. I'm a teacher as is my husband.
My sister wants us all to do a fortnight in a villa somewhere. She is outraged that I think this is a really bad idea. I've already been told I have to 'compromise' on my term dates.
Frankly, my family don't get along. We love each other and for short bursts we're fine, but two weeks? I can just see fights. Also, both my brothers have very little disposable income, and I don't want them overstretching themselves, I know they couldn't afford this.
I really want my mum to have a special birthday, of course, but a nice weekend away locally (UK), or a super fancy meal would be better and more manageable for all of us. I'm not sure where to go from here. AIBU to think this is silly?

OP posts:
CocoPuffsinGodMode · 08/10/2017 12:30

Tell your sister politely but firmly that you won’t be doing that. If your mum wants to go away with sis and her family for a fortnight that’s absolutely fine but you don’t all actually have to celebrate at the same time, do you? You could for example take your mum away on a city break with your family later in the year, as your gift to her.

Original poster
Darknessinthevalley · 08/10/2017 12:33

Mum is very relaxed, so she just wants something. My sister would never pay for mums holiday, she doesn't pay for gifts for people.

OP posts:
shhhfastasleep · 08/10/2017 12:33

I’m in my 50s. I would have hated hate this shit storm when I turned 50.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/10/2017 12:36

Tell your sister if she wants to take your Mum away for a fortnight, she's welcome, but you will not be going and you will not stand by & watch your brothers get into debt over this. Be VERY clear & firm.

Tell her you will tolerate happily do a weekend away, arranged much closer to the time.

paxillin · 08/10/2017 12:40

My sister would never pay for mums holiday, she doesn't pay for gifts for people.

So what is the gift them, 2 weeks of stress and arguments? Tell her no, tell her why and pay for your mum for a weekend away.

PurpleNurple69 · 08/10/2017 12:41

OP I’m the same age as your mum and you’re making me feel ancient! I’m quite capable of arranging my own 50th birthday and it’s certainly not going to involve family members. I’m 50 not 90!

A week in NY just me and my husband thanks very much!

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 08/10/2017 12:44

So if she expects your mum to pay for herself how exactly is this for your mums 50th? Is the 50th just the excuse for a two week holiday? Not that she needs to have an excuse but why connect the 50th and the holiday? Confused

ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2017 12:47

Bloody hell, I had an afternoon party in the pub for my 50th and that was plenty.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 08/10/2017 12:47

It might make more sense if it was “let’s all chip in and take mum on the holiday of a lifetime” (though I personally still wouldn’t want to go way with all my adult siblings, their partners and children)but it’s not that at all so why is she pushing it?

Schroedingerscatagain · 08/10/2017 12:54

I turn 50 in a couple of years and this would horrify me

Is your sis thinking of what she wants not your mum? My kids are still early teens and the most I would want is a nice weekend away

Who knows what will be happening in your mums life by then, she may have a new partner who wants to do something romantic

I also wouldn’t want to put my kids under pressure financially or time wise for my birthday

My sister had a family meet up on hers, lovely picnic on a private boat she hired for a few hours and toured a local costal bay, it was something she had always wanted to do and made a lovely memorable day

pigsDOfly · 08/10/2017 12:56

This sounds more like something you'd arrange for a grandma turning 100 - get all the different generations of the family together because the old lady won't be around much longer - not the sort of thing for a 50 year old.

I'm heading for my 70th in less than two years and what your DS is suggesting sounds like my idea of hell. It's a birthday, does it really require such a massive 'celebration'.

If you all want to do a family thing, a meal out has always been most acceptable for me together with my lovely DCs. We all get on really well, but I really, really wouldn't want to spend two weeks on holiday with us all together and neither would they.

Quickqu · 08/10/2017 12:58

Def do a weekend somewhere nice instead. A fortnight would test even the closest family - I'd hate it, much as I love and get on well with all relations.

Viviennemary · 08/10/2017 13:00

I agree it's a mad idea. And would your Mum even want this. It would be my idea of hell. She might like peace and quiet on a holiday. If she insists just say go ahead but I'm out. We'll sort out our own present. Don't get drawn into this.

SilverySurfer · 08/10/2017 13:01

Honestly you're so unreasonable OP. How hard can it be to reschedule your whole school's term time - I'm sure the staff would have no problem and just send an-mail to the hundreds, if not thousands, of parents to inform them of the change. Tough if they have already booked a holiday in what they thought would be half term. Grin Tell her to do one.

eddielizzard · 08/10/2017 13:02

a weekend or a fancy meal. absolutely no way to a 2 week holiday. and your sister is as mad as a box of frogs. and entitled.

Butterymuffin · 08/10/2017 13:02

Amazing how often the people who insist on making elaborate and expensive plans for other people are also insistent on not paying towards them. Hmm

motherinferior · 08/10/2017 13:05

I had a wild party with lots of fizz for my 50th. I also had a fabulous new dress which showed lots of cleavage.

diddl · 08/10/2017 13:06

If you don't all get on it doesn't sound as if any time away is a good idea.

Floralnomad · 08/10/2017 13:06

Just tell your sister that you and the brothers cannot afford the time or money and that the most you will do is a weekend in the U.K. . However that you feel a meal out altogether would be better with perhaps a show or spa day attached whichever you feel your mother would enjoy . I was 50 a couple of years ago , is really not that big a deal it's only a number .

IHeartDodo · 08/10/2017 13:07

For my mum's 50th we had a dinner /evening party in an art gallery.
I think she felt like it was a bit like a wedding but she didn't have to compromise with my dad!
It was lovely, she had old friends she hadn't seen in years there!
(one friend of hers told me that the last time she'd seen me, she'd changed my nappy!)

DJBaggySmalls · 08/10/2017 13:09

Yanbu, it sounds like your sister just wants a holiday. How is it a gift to your Mum if she isnt going to pay anything towards her costs?

Storminateapot · 08/10/2017 13:10

Crikey! I was 50 recently and I certainly didn't expect anyone to bankrupt themselves or use up precious annual leave on me. A really nice meal was perfect.

picklemepopcorn · 08/10/2017 13:13

Make a better plan and offer it up to your brothers. Maybe a spa day for the female family members, followed by a meal with everyone.

MsVestibule · 08/10/2017 13:18

God no, sounds bloody awful. She sounds like my sister, although I don't think she'd be mad enough to suggest something like this. I am (finally, at the ripe old age of 46) learning to stand up to her and tell her what doesn't work for me). Wish I'd done it years ago.

If she mentions it again, just say 'we can either do a nice meal together or a long weekend somewhere within a two hour drive. Which would you prefer?'.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/10/2017 13:20

Yes, I was going to suggest a spa day too, or a trip to the races, if she would enjoy it, followed by a lovely meal.
A two week break, would possibly break the family ! 🙄
I think your DS, was thinking of herself.