MIL driving me insane re newborn

[Lovingtyrells]

Not sure if I am BU or not ? We are temporarily living with my MIL- paying over the odds so she is benefiting financially and likes the company. She is obsessed with the newborn which I guess is natural. But she constantly tells us what to do, more me I guess. Takes the baby off me when she wants, barges in when I am changing the nappy and tells me I am doing it wrong. I have to keep telling her not to put the baby on his side as it's now the back. I really can't take it and getting snappy with her now because I needn't to do things my way. I appreciate having the support as I know some people have no one and it's nice she really loves the baby plus asks me how I am and offers to cook etc. But I can't take being critiqued constantly for small things.

Husband says letting her help doesn't mean I am incapable. Also she is one of 8 so has experience.

Can you place your emphasis on sounding like you're giving her the benefit of the doubt and keep it light hearted eg 'I'm sure you didn't mean that to sound so rude, lucky I know you better' or 'I'm sure you remember the rules for safe sleeping- clear cot on the back every time' 'I'm sure you agree with me she's too precious to take risks not following current advice' approach. She can hardly disagree to those statements without DH having to see her as unreasonable

I hope this doesn't break rules, I totally see this from both points of view. Awful for so much love on both sides to end in something so stressful. If you are nearby you could come with her to my update session - It's new, and I love it, all the grandparents so far have said it's really useful. It's hard to be a new mum, looking for support but having to sensitively up date your nearest and dearest. I'd love to chat thru all the latest stuff with your MIL and take the heat off you. It's called grantenatal and you can find it on Facebook or website.

I really hope you can find a way through, maybe talking and gently updating her as you go. Good luck OP xx

Other than moving out to resolve issue would it be possible to establish "no go" areas for all. You surely have your own room so changing baby, putting down to sleep if in that room should be out of bounds for other than you and husband. There have to be boundaries for you and MIL if going to continue living in same household. Also, can you possibly leave some of the modern literature on babycare lying about in the hope MIL picks it up and reads hopefully learning the new techniques and recommendations.

You need to be clear and stand firm on your rules. If she doesn't respect one, calmly remind her and remain firm. Always be polite. I'd also talk to DH about boundaries and make sure he's on your side

This is what I was afraid of. We moved in with my fiancé’s mum and her partner in April when I was 12 weeks pregnant, then moved out 4 months later because I couldn’t cope with being dictated to and knew she wouldn’t give us our space once the baby is here, and whilst we’re in a less financially better off situation, we’re a lot happier. So if you are able to move out, I’d recommend it, for your own sanity.

I have total sympathy for you. We lived with my mother 3 years ago with 3 kids for 12 months when we were waiting for our house to be ready. It was a nightmare. My mum has no safety awareness around kids at all. It isn’t as easy as just having a go at someone because you are in their home and you have nowhere to go. If they decide to make things awkward that 12 months is going to seem like 10 years. I am not afraid to say anything to my mum but she is a difficult woman and I wouldn’t do it again. Even I had to tread carefully and my mum knew it and enjoyed it. I would try and get your husband to speak with her but explain to him fully you feel she is taking over too much with the baby and it’s effecting how you feel. It’s making the situation awkward and strained.

Goodness I’ve been reading this with interest.
My own mother in law (now deceased) was a nightmare and I would never have lived with her in a million years. She constantly tried to interfere with our marriage and wasn’t interested in our 3 boys.. she always criticised the way I did things too.. if I tried to give one of my children a talking to for discipline she always interfered. I was lucky my husband put his foot down..
Now I’m in the position of going to be a granny next month and my sons partner has been told she’s welcome to come to stay with us, to help her over the first month.. ( they don’t have their own place) I get on very well with my sons partner. I always give her her place and have bought loads of things to help her during her pregnancy. I remember how it felt with my mother in law and I swore I’d never be like that, ever!
It’s juat some women’s natures as well! Bossy and interfering.
I Know it isn’t easy with money if you cant afford your own place etc.. maybe sit down with her and try to tell her that your a new mum and it’s your baby and you want to try things your own way and in your own style.. tell her you appreciate she’s there to help if you need it.
I wouldn’t dream of interfering in my soms relationship and I don’t plan to be intrusive over the new baby grandson that’s coming.
They know I’m here if they need me for anything and I plan to be a good mother in law and granny 😀
I really feel for you! Some mother in laws are just over bearing and can’t accept their kids are grown ups... keep strong with your partner though.. it’s tough enough with a new baby, and emotions can run high, but if you both stick together, you will get through anything.. even this short term arrangement 😀
I wish you both and your wee baby, all the very best x

Oh op! I totally identify with your situation, my mil is the same, possibly even worse! Mine is sickly sweet and 'helpful' (as long as it's all going her way of course) Whoa betide you if you 'challenge' her in any way...all the passive agressive, manipulative bitches of hell are unleashed and somehow you are the bad guy and she the 'well meaning victim'. Of course she knows what she's doing, she fancies herself as some sort of matriarch of the family with a right to interfere. Beware the MIL op!! I'm afraid, as every other mumsnetter has said..your best bet is to move out, asap (if not sooner)

Your DH has to support you more. He needs to step in when his mum makes comments about you and he needs to remind you the baby is yours, not hers.

I really empathise with you there. My (ex) husband tried to convince me to move in with the in laws, yet their "help" had already become very controlling and was not "help".

I did try to speak to my DH at the time as I was finding the criticism and snide comments very difficult. I hope your partner is more supportive than mine, especially as you are actually having to live there!

It is such a difficult situation because it is hard to rock the boat but it is your baby and it is totally natural to want to do things your way but also the safe way. It must be so frustrating having to keep telling your MIL to put baby on back, not side. Not hard to listen and learn once!!

Good luck

Time with babies goes so quickly. Which means you must try to enjoy it, in your way, as best you can. Move out if possible, otherwise set ground rules as soon as you can. Pluck up the courage. Don't let it become something you'll regret later. Good luck!

Ignore the mean and nasties.

Sit down and tell her that it is making you feel like she thinks that you are not a good mother. She will hopefully not want to hurt you and will hopefully adjust accordingly.

I had no help except dh. You may have a great set up, but you need some boundaries. Growing up with 8 kids, she may not be as sensitive as you are (no offense). Ignore the "i woulds" and be kind; nobody will love your dc as much as you outside your parents. Grandparents are a great help (i needed help, I'm not one) but sometimes we parents "over help" it is hard to know our limits.

She won't stop when you move out im afraid. She will just continue when she/you visits and over the phone (speaking from experience).