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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL driving me insane re newborn

113 replies

Lovingtyrells · 08/10/2017 07:25

Not sure if I am BU or not ? We are temporarily living with my MIL- paying over the odds so she is benefiting financially and likes the company. She is obsessed with the newborn which I guess is natural. But she constantly tells us what to do, more me I guess. Takes the baby off me when she wants, barges in when I am changing the nappy and tells me I am doing it wrong. I have to keep telling her not to put the baby on his side as it's now the back. I really can't take it and getting snappy with her now because I needn't to do things my way. I appreciate having the support as I know some people have no one and it's nice she really loves the baby plus asks me how I am and offers to cook etc. But I can't take being critiqued constantly for small things.

Husband says letting her help doesn't mean I am incapable. Also she is one of 8 so has experience.

OP posts:
Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 08/10/2017 09:48

Peng we have had lodgers Smile it's a great two way street, you don't boss your lodgers around, breath down their necks and upset them and undermine them .

How anyone could refer to the mother of their grandchild and wife of their son as a a lodger is beyond me but it does happen Confused.
She is paying mill a lot of money, she has also blessed Mil with the incredible gift of being so close to baby.

eurochick · 08/10/2017 09:49

Why can't you move out? You really need to.

Pengggwn · 08/10/2017 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TakeAnadin · 08/10/2017 09:56

That sounds very upsetting. I certainly would NOT let her take the baby from you as baby needs her/his Mum. It's bonding time when they are newborn. You need to tell her that.

LexieLulu · 08/10/2017 09:56

Why can't you move out? She's going to continue to undermine you

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 08/10/2017 09:57

Oh I see yes.
Doing something is never impossible though so I would say op needs to get her head around moving out. Nothing is worth going through this.

pinkdelight · 08/10/2017 09:57

She's not going to take the hint. She's not going to change. What is so complicated that you'd rather pay over the odds, go insane and plague what is meant to be a special time for you and your baby? How bad would it be to relocate and at least have your own space? As it is, however much you're paying, you are in her space. It's incredibly hard to live with multiple generations even when everyone is reasonable. Short of destitution, I can't see why you'd submit to this arrangement now.

SolemnlyFarts · 08/10/2017 10:03

Is it because your husband wouldn't agree to moving out?

holeinmyheart · 08/10/2017 10:09

Gawd. This is me. So sorry for both of you because when my first Grandchild was born I went totally mad. I was so in love that it was really overwhelming.i don't know whether I was programmed to feel this way, but I did.
I also bought things constantly, denying her parents the pleasure of getting things themselves. So in the end I got told!!!! I didn't mean to annoy or hurt anyone. I tried not to give advice....but it probably crept out, sorry.
I am afraid the only way to solve this is to be congruent and straight forward. It is possible to live in peace with your in laws if you are not frightened of being honest and assertive.
Aggressive behaviour is not the same and will lead to NC.
I preferred being 'told' rather than being sulked over and frosted to the North Pole. Please try ( don't be afraid as what is the alternative? You murder her?) and see your MIl as a misguided human if you can. She will love your baby to bits. I did.

PolkaDottyRose · 08/10/2017 10:15

aggressive behaviour? what do you mean by that?

kateandme · 08/10/2017 10:16

plate of biccies cup of tea. " can we have a chat" point to table
and just explain.dont accuse don't say shes wrong or any negative things like that just...I no how much you love us and her and your help is invaluable. but I just need you on board now with the way I chose to do this.that your learning from her all the time but dc is still now going to have to live by your own rules,and from her and what you already know you are forming your own way of doing things. so can she get on board with that please.that u get a little anxious about things at the moment so need her backing you up because you don't always feel ur getting it right.
grab her hand and look at her and say "it isn't a dig or anything on you,you just need to be the mum and dad and have your own quirky perhaps new way of doing it."

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2017 10:17

You are paying her rent. She has no authority to barge into your private space. So do as much as possible in the bedroom -feeding and nappy changing. Get your own tv in the room etc. If she comes in, tell her to knock next time and ask her to leave. Thank her for any advice, smile and do as you choose. Next time she makes a snide comment, ask her if she meant to be so rude.

Sirrah · 08/10/2017 10:19

As a soon-to-be grandmother I have already given myself the talk, and sworn that I will not interfere unless I am asked! So much has changed in the last 25 years, we no longer know best. Perhaps you could give your MIL something to read with the latest guidance so she will understand you are doing the right thing?

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2017 10:22

Just read a few more comments. Personally I wouldn’t sit her down. I tried this with my mother. She’s controlling and a narcissist. It made her 10 times worse and is in part reason as to why she is so nasty to me today over 10 years on. My mother cried and wailed and screamed and I backed down so she took that as carte Blanche to assert even more control over me. You don’t have your dhs backing for this so be careful not to get turned into the scapegoat.

I’d just tell her straight. “No” “give me my baby back now please”.

MinervaSaidThar · 08/10/2017 10:22

Why are you paying over the odds? Does it include extras like cooked meals, bills?

CakesRUs · 08/10/2017 10:23

It sounds like her intentions are good and it's nice of her to let you all stay. It would get on my nerves too, unless I was the MIL, then I'd probably be doing the same as her!

MinervaSaidThar · 08/10/2017 10:24

Mummyoflittledragon she sounds awful. Are you NC with DM?

RestingBitchFaced · 08/10/2017 10:25

You need to tell her to back off and let you do things your own way, put your foot down. I could not cope with this. Why can't you move out?

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 08/10/2017 10:27

hole you can see where you may have robbed them of pleasure and been to over bearing, unfortunately some mils cannot see what they are doing. Mine is like mummy's, you try and say something nicely and she digs in even more. For me I wouldn't want to jeopardise the relationship, so I would be happy to be told kindly if I was doing something annoying. I would have grateful it was pointed out so it can be remidied.

Mulberry72 · 08/10/2017 10:28

Why are you paying her over the odds? Surely it would be better for you, DH & DC if you use the extra you are giving her to get out of there as quickly as you can? Living with PILs rarely ends well.

YouTheCat · 08/10/2017 10:33

15 years I lived with my mil. 15! And I felt there was nothing I could do as I was a low earner with twins with additional needs. Ex wouldn't move out because he felt we had to look after her even though there was nothing wrong with her that meant she needed looking after . She's was always interfering.

You say it's for a year. We were only supposed to be there a year too. Hmm

Get out as soon as you can.

NikiBabe · 08/10/2017 10:36

She isnt even doing you a favour financial as she is charging you above market rent.

What exactly are you doing there? I'd just leave and leave my DH behind if necessary.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/10/2017 10:40

I don't understand why you are paying over the odds to live with her if its an exercise in endurance.

What stops you moving out if it isn't money? If you were renting privately you would be entitled to 'quiet enjoyment'. And how much support does your DH give you in this?

You sound as if you are afraid a straightforward conversation with MiL will end up being her and DH on one side and you on the other - is that really how you feel? If so the first conversation needs to be with your DH and then you both need to ask for more privacy together. Work out which things are unbearable and which you can live with and don't waste time discussing the things you can live with.

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2017 10:44

Work on your own confidence. You don't need to be confrontational or angry with her just be assertive.
It's difficult when you have to rely on in laws for somewhere to live and the added complication of a grandmother feeling because she is related to the baby, that she has a right to interfere in how you do things.
No one should be telling you what to do with your baby so thank her for her help but tell her you are getting tips from various sources when you feel you need advice.

CatsOclock · 08/10/2017 10:50

This sounds like a nightmare. I think I would wait for the next time and then say something short and to the point like, "This constant criticism is becoming unbearable." I'm not saying it will work but it's probably what I would say and I've found that calling it how it is can be quite effective. It does depend how difficult she is though.

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