Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL driving me insane re newborn

113 replies

Lovingtyrells · 08/10/2017 07:25

Not sure if I am BU or not ? We are temporarily living with my MIL- paying over the odds so she is benefiting financially and likes the company. She is obsessed with the newborn which I guess is natural. But she constantly tells us what to do, more me I guess. Takes the baby off me when she wants, barges in when I am changing the nappy and tells me I am doing it wrong. I have to keep telling her not to put the baby on his side as it's now the back. I really can't take it and getting snappy with her now because I needn't to do things my way. I appreciate having the support as I know some people have no one and it's nice she really loves the baby plus asks me how I am and offers to cook etc. But I can't take being critiqued constantly for small things.

Husband says letting her help doesn't mean I am incapable. Also she is one of 8 so has experience.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 08/10/2017 08:36

"she is one of 8 so has experience."

How weird of your husband. He is pointing to her experience as a sibling rather than as a parent?

flumpybear · 08/10/2017 08:37

Put barriers in place otherwise it’ll marr your experience having a newborn - I’d personally move heaven and earth to move ASAP

Original poster
Lovingtyrells · 08/10/2017 08:38

P.s yes I do get out without her and do not invite her. She told me it was too soon to take the baby out when he was about a week old but we went out anyway. Hopefully she will start getting the message ?

OP posts:
JediStoleMyBike · 08/10/2017 08:39

Not unless you tell her. She doesn't sound like the type who will take a hint.

Move out.

Layla8 · 08/10/2017 08:51

Your DH is the one who needs to step up here. He needs to talk to her, set some boundaries.

SonicBoomBoom · 08/10/2017 08:54

Why can't you move out?

It sounds more like won't than can't.

peachgreen · 08/10/2017 08:58

If you’re paying over the odds then there’s surely nothing stopping you moving out?

mygrandchildrenrock · 08/10/2017 09:04

You nicely need to tell her things have changed. We did used to be told not to take babies out at a week old, but now you can leave hospital the day you give birth.
My 38 year old was 8 days old on Christmas Day and I had to get the midwives permission to visit my family on that day!
I also left hospital after 48 hours and had to travel home in an ambulance, can you imagine that now!
Can you get some parent & baby magazines and ask her to look through them to see how things are done these days.

WeAllHaveWings · 08/10/2017 09:07

Move out if possible (sounds like money isn't an issue), you'll never get those first months with your newborn back

MistressDeeCee · 08/10/2017 09:10

You'll have to move out then. You've pointed out she is benefitting financially - as if you're not?! and she helps you a lot, too.

Get your own space, its best. Then none of this will be an issue. You've got different parenting styles you need to be queen in your own castle, as it were. Time for you husband & baby to move out and move on.

Namechanger2735 · 08/10/2017 09:14

OP this is exactly how my MIL was. Especially with the little "jokes" that are actually digs at you. After 6 months I HATED living there, HATED being around her, HATED that OH didn't stick up for me or even see what was going on. It felt like them and me. Like it was their baby and I was a babysitter. Me and OH broke up and I have never felt so relieved to be away from someone!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/10/2017 09:17

tyrells,

re your comment:-
"P.s yes I do get out without her and do not invite her. She told me it was too soon to take the baby out when he was about a week old but we went out anyway. Hopefully she will start getting the message ?"

No she will not. She will continue to be as overbearing and domineering and such a person will not ever take a hint.

Your DH seems to be very afraid of his mother too and his own boundaries re her are far too low also. He has not been able to step up here out of his own fear, obligation and guilt.

Why can't you move out?. This is time with your child that you will not get back.

Pengggwn · 08/10/2017 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolkaDottyRose · 08/10/2017 09:22

My MIL was like this. I couldn't do anything right. It was hell, and hugely damaging to someone who was already struggling. I didn't have the guts to kick against it. Nip it in the bud now. It wont stop as your baby gets older if you don't. But do it as nicely as you can, she is still your partners mum.

NerrSnerr · 08/10/2017 09:24

If you’re paying over the odds why not rent somewhere for the year?

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 08/10/2017 09:29

Op you need to do the shit sandwich. Maybe get her some flowers as a small thank you for her help, use that to ease into the... Yes it's been a very blessing to be here with you however I do feel much more confident now, and I feel comfortable to move forward without your help. I read an article that said if you allow to much advice your not comfortable with from your Mil your relationship may never recover.
I wouldn't want us to fall out can you back off a little.

Then be more curt.
Once you have told her to back off, and she doesn't there is nothing more that you can do.

If she continue to upset you, think about moving out alone, or back to your parents, shelter etc.

Oysterbabe · 08/10/2017 09:30

Why can't you move out?

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 08/10/2017 09:32

Peng she is paying for that privalige.
Op draw a line in the sand. Once you give your self a limit and make firm descion it makes everything so much easier.

BenLui · 08/10/2017 09:32

If you aren’t prepared to move out you need to put your foot down.

It doesn’t need to be confrontational, there doesn’t need to be an argument you just need to say what you want firmly and consistently.

If it helps I have found you can get away with saying pretty much anything if you say it with a smile.

You are the baby’s Mum, all the power rests with you but you have to take it.

Say “no”, politely call her on rudeness, stop her grabbing the baby.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 08/10/2017 09:34

namechanger wow.
I bet you did feel relief my worry has been breaking up with dh over his parents but then he would crumble in the face of the unreasonable demands they made, ie put two year old on plane with strangers... I couldn't trust dh to say no. I love dh but there were times when I felt like baby sitter too.

Cracklesfire · 08/10/2017 09:35

You need to move out. My gran was so overbearing once we had DS, had to temporarily move in with my parents (she lives with them too) as we'd sold our house quicker than expected and honestly the damage it's done is awful.

She's always been a difficult woman but she had me in tears so many times in the early days. Still slates me as a parent and likes to get digs in whenever she can. I did have a deadly serious conversation with her that she needed to keep her opinions on breastfeeding to herself and she eventually respected that but everything else is still commented on. It's totally changed my relationship with her and I don't enjoy spending time with her anymore as I'm always waiting for the next critisism.

MamaOfTwos · 08/10/2017 09:36

Move out or learn to live with it

I assume you're saving for a deposit but you're not in a position to do so unless you accept her interference

Homerschild · 08/10/2017 09:39

Tell what I once heard on here- you are doing what she did as new mother and following the current advice ie baby sleeps on back not side. Take the emotion out of situation.

Pengggwn · 08/10/2017 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/10/2017 09:44

Why are you paying over the odds?