Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL driving me insane re newborn

113 replies

Lovingtyrells · 08/10/2017 07:25

Not sure if I am BU or not ? We are temporarily living with my MIL- paying over the odds so she is benefiting financially and likes the company. She is obsessed with the newborn which I guess is natural. But she constantly tells us what to do, more me I guess. Takes the baby off me when she wants, barges in when I am changing the nappy and tells me I am doing it wrong. I have to keep telling her not to put the baby on his side as it's now the back. I really can't take it and getting snappy with her now because I needn't to do things my way. I appreciate having the support as I know some people have no one and it's nice she really loves the baby plus asks me how I am and offers to cook etc. But I can't take being critiqued constantly for small things.

Husband says letting her help doesn't mean I am incapable. Also she is one of 8 so has experience.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovingtyrells · 08/10/2017 11:01

The place we were renting was not suitable for baby, managed to find people to carry on the rest of the tenancy. We pay more than market price because we support with additional things e.g. Buying furniture, food shopping, petrol, bills etc but it is less than our old place cost.

I will try and speak to her then, I don't think it's malicious but it's too much. DH likes all the family involved etc don't think he understands as he is not as hands on as me with baby 24/7.

I look forward to having the support when baby is older but right now it's too much and I want to do things my way as people have said.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 08/10/2017 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

haveacupoftea · 08/10/2017 11:07

When she tries to take baby off you just say no and laugh at her! As if 'were you really going to take baby off me, imagine!' TBH you need to be a little rude yourself. If she puts baby on his side say 'why have you put him on his side? That's dangerous.' Worry less about being polite and more about being a good mum. Also ask your health visitor for help. She can give you the whole speech about back sleeping etc with MIL sitting there.

DancesWithOtters · 08/10/2017 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkdelight · 08/10/2017 11:31

Just because your last place wasn't suitable for DC, why is MIL's the only alternative, especially when it's more expensive? How long was your previous contract if you're stuck for another year, when presumably you moved out before the baby came?? There must be an easier way, especially when you've found new tenants. Life happens and things can be negotiated. It can't be possible that this is your only option.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/10/2017 11:38

How much is she actually charging you in rent, OP?

This is irrelevant unless the OP gives out a lot of potentially identifying details.

Market rates vary hugely within even quite small distances. How about we assume that the OP as a recent local tenant and having looked at the local rates knows what they are paying in that context?

Particularly bearing in mind they don't even have lodger level of privacy.

OP your DH needs to make an effort to see your PoV as well. Its all very well him wanting everyone involved (and that can work out very well) but he isn't the one dealing with it all day, every day.

gamerchick · 08/10/2017 11:39

If your last place wasn’t suitable then there would have been one that was.

If you’re stuck there for reasons you don’t want to say then that’s fine. But you need to learn how to be assertive with this person and make your mark as a mother.

Pengggwn · 08/10/2017 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2017 11:47

Why do you need to wait before getting another place though?

MinervaSaid. Low contact with mother. Nc with brother and his wife. It's amazing what I put up with before I said enough was enough.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/10/2017 11:53

Some people imagine themselves to be paying 'over the odds' when actually the other person is doing them a favour

Yes I agree. However in this case the OP has already said they were renting so unless she didn't know how much rent they were paying she knows the local rates. Plus rates for lodging are typically a lot lower than for private renting. Therefore she should be comparing what they pay with local lodging rates.

They are getting some help (cooking) but far less privacy and independence and some active interference - for me those wouldn't balance out and it sounds like they don't for OP either.

Pengggwn · 08/10/2017 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CotswoldStrife · 08/10/2017 12:02

Have you sub-let your old tenancy OP? Is that why you can't rent anywhere else for a year?

HelenUrth · 08/10/2017 12:41

Try something along the lines of "I know you love baby, but it sounds like you're criticising my parenting when you say/do things like that?" or
"I know you love baby but I'm afraid you're going to have to let me make my own mistakes, but I will be sure to ask your advice if I feel I need it".

Have a phrase or two to use every single time she tries it on.

As for taking the baby off you, you definitely need to be more assertive but you can be nice about it - "No you can't have baby, we're having a lovely moment right now, you wouldn't want to spoil it!"

C8H10N4O2 · 08/10/2017 12:45

Pengggwn

From the OP: We are temporarily living with my MIL- paying over the odds so she is benefiting financially and likes the company.

Pengggwn · 08/10/2017 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/10/2017 12:55

So why can't you rent a place that is suitable for a baby? If you're paying over the odds anyway.
Why would you pay more to stay somewhere you don't want to?
This makes no sense.

Ohyesiam · 08/10/2017 13:19

Amazed people are jumping in telling you to move, when by the sound of the op, you've not said how you feel ( ignore me if that not right).

Be really clear in your mind what is acceptable to you, write it down.
As far as possible, say it in positive terms, so " let me hold my baby, unless I give her to you " rather than ' never take her off me ". This depends on how thick skinned she is.
Keep it about you, ie" when you do this, I feel this ".
And make it clear it's going to be an open dialogue. So by next week you can be saying " I feel so much more confident when you don't take her from me without ask ing, , thanks so much "
She will have lots of preconceived ideas, and think that she is helping, or needs to be useful.
Be gentle and patient ( keep reminding yourself it's going to get you what you want), and be kind when she feels kicked back.
If she sulks or makes a drama out of it ( making it all about her), then you can think about moving.

Congratulations on your baby x

RhiannonOHara · 09/10/2017 17:23

She says stuff as a joke like oh look you are the problem with the baby waking up Fix her with a stony look and say 'That isn't funny.' Every time.

Don't let her take the baby off you and TELL her you won't stand for it. 'No, do not try to take the baby from me.' Calm but firm.

And talk to your DH. Doesn't matter if he 'likes all the family involved'; it's not really up to him.

pollymere · 09/10/2017 17:37

Yes, I'd point out that it's your baby and you'd rather make your own mistakes and bring your baby up. My HV caused me a huge amount of unnecessary stress and my IL just added to it.

bsbabas · 09/10/2017 17:51

My mil just asked partner if he wants to move back in with them.

Kittykat93 · 09/10/2017 17:55

I really get on well with my MIL but the thought of living with her is awful, I feel we need our own space, especially with a baby! I think moving out is the only option here

Appuskidu · 09/10/2017 17:59

When you say you are paying, 'over the odds' -what do you mean? I wonder if you are paying more to your in laws than you think they should be charging you, but actually nowhere near market rate rents for what you want? Otherwise, surely you'd just move out?

Sadly, it's her house so you have to poke up with her rules-or else you move out.

ReginaBlitzkreig · 09/10/2017 18:00

You really shouldn't just carry on hoping your MIL will get how you feel. Tell her politely what you do and don't want, and keep doing it.

holeinmyheart · 09/10/2017 18:05

Gawd it is a minefield. Here you have two women living together who need to get on. They need to get on because of the reasons the OP has explained.
She has a MIL who doesn't realise how awful she is being and a then the Op a DIL who can't stick up for herself. If we heard both sides of the story we could probably empathise with both.
So what to do? helenUrth had some really good sentences to use. Practise them to say to her, Post. You have to gird your loins and say your piece. This situation is making you ill.
Or print this stuff out and leave it in her knicker draw. We MILs are not all bad.
You have to ask yourself, why would this woman deliberately hurt you? and indirectly your baby and her son.
Practise your piece and say it. You will hear a round of imaginary applause. Hugs.

holeinmyheart · 09/10/2017 18:08

helenUrth your advice is excellent. If only the post will be able to do it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread