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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated over ex DPs contact with our new born?

35 replies

RogerThatOver · 07/10/2017 22:08

DP and I separated when I was 10 weeks pregnant and I gave birth to our son three weeks ago. Obviously ex DP is coming to my house for contact but I'm finding it really irritating and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable so I'd appreciate your honesty. Ex DP works shifts so he comes round at various times of day for around 3-4 hours at a time. He will not take on board anything I've said about DS and so DS generally spends the duration of contact crying.

For example - if ex DP arrives and DS wakes from a nap he'll pick him up and keep saying 'what's the matter?' 'There's no need to cry' etc even though DS is obviously wet and uncomfortable. If DS is tired, ex DP will walk round holding and rocking him while he screams the house down. I've explained to ex DP that I feed DS until he's sleepy but not asleep then put him in his moses basket with my hand on his tummy and he settles himself without tears. Ex DP said he won't do that because he wants to hold him Hmm

I get that he wants to hold him and feel like he's doing something but I don't think it's fair on DS to be upset for such long periods unnecessarily. I can't get anything done when ex DP is here because of the screaming and him then asking me to feed DS to calm him down.

AIBU to be irritated by ex DP continuing to do what he wants and ignoring my suggestions of what'll help DS? He keeps saying what a high maintenance baby he is but when it's just the two of us, he very rarely cries.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2017 22:13

YANBU. It's fair enough for him to be nervous and he's having less time to get to know DS because he's not there all the time but he should be listening to you because hauling a screaming baby around your house for 3 or 4 hours at a time sounds awful for everyone.

He wants to find his own ways to do things but I can't see how that works when DS is so tiny and he has limited time with him. No advice apart from to say it'll be better contact time for all 3 of you if he takes on board the sensible things you recommend and stops being pig headed.

Hope things get easier and congratulations on your baby.

PolkaDottyOvenGlove · 07/10/2017 22:19

I’d tell him that if he’s not going to take what you say on board then you’re going to have to limit his visits to an hour maximum each time. Also I would stop him coming round at all different hours and say he can only come when for example your DS has had a nap and a feed.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 07/10/2017 22:28

Of course he wants to hold the baby - he only sees him for a few hours a day and he's a newborn. I doubt being held and rocked is that horrible for your son.

I'd bite my tongue, make sure I'm offering friendly advice instead of being patronising, and wait for you all to settle down into a routine.

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 07/10/2017 22:40

DS doesn't like it Daily, he literally screams the entire time. I've suggested he take him for a walk or bath him but all he wants to do is hold him and DS just won't settle on him. I haven't been patronising but honestly I'm more concerned about DS having to cry for hours than pussy footing around ex DP.

OP posts:
DPotter · 07/10/2017 22:48

Is your ex DP's mum involved? Maybe she would have better luck getting to try alternative ways of caring for him.
congrats on new baby!

FenceSitter01 · 07/10/2017 22:51

I simply wouldn't have him in 3-4 hours a day - you need to set some boundaries now.

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 07/10/2017 23:05

It's not every day, just when he can fit DS in. I feel like he's using the fact that contact has to be at mine to try and stress me out by letting him cry.

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 07/10/2017 23:09

Of course he wants to hold his son if your son is only crying because he isn’t used to it then surely you should let him? Encourage your partner to check if nappy needs changing etc but I don’t get what’s wrong with him wanting to hold him he’s young still and he doesn’t get to hold him throughout the day like you do. Although I’ve never been in your situation so don’t understand the emotion that comes with it.

2ndTimeMother · 07/10/2017 23:10

Your ex needs to realise that it's not about him, it's about what is best for your DS! So that isn't upsetting him & allowing him to scream the house down because your ex wants to 'hold him' for the duration of the visit. I would sit your ex down & make it clear that upsetting your DS like that isn't acceptable & suggest that as you are the primary caregiver he should take on board what you are saying. Should he choose not to limit his visits to a set hour or 2 at a time of day when your son is most content.

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 07/10/2017 23:15

He isn't crying because he isn't used to him; he just doesn't enjoy being held and rocked to sleep as ex DP thinks he should.

OP posts:
mummabear17 · 07/10/2017 23:22

@RogerThatOver I could’ve written your post 8 months ago!!! This was literally me, me exh and DS!!!! Ds would scream the whole time, but exh only used to come for an hour at a time few times a week. It was absolutely awful. I tried and tried and tried offering advice, helpful hints and tips and even “sitting in” on the visits to try and help as it was so distressing for both me and baby for him to be screaming for a whole hour straight. Exh wouldn’t listen at all or just completely ignore me as he would never dream of listening or taking advice from me as he was like that throughout our whole relationship and marriage.....

It’s awful but in the end I had to let him get on with it, and would often lock myself on my room upstairs and cry listening to DS being so upset but if he wouldn’t listen then he had to learn to deal with it..... I understood that it was his time with him and he wanted to bond etc but there were times where I’d had enough, and thought it wasn’t fair on baby to be like that, so I intervened and took him back to calm him down and exh Hated it!!! I agree with pp to sit your ex down and firmly tell him it isn’t fair on anyone the way things are and he needs to listen to you or else his visits will have to be limited and even supervised until everything is more manageable.... sorry this is happening to you as well but congratulations and try to enjoy your time with baby as much as possible!!! Pm me if you want to - we can rant to each other!!! It helps!!! 😜😊💙

outputgap · 07/10/2017 23:26

Your baby is a person, and your ex needs to respect that. I have no patience with the attitude that ex's desire to hold the baby trumps the baby's preferences.

I couldn't listen to him upset the baby like that. I would say that it's your way or the highway now.

SuperBeagle · 07/10/2017 23:33

If your DS is now 10 weeks old, can you not move some of the contact visits away from your house? I don't see why they "have" to be at your house at this point?

I can understand where you're coming from, but at the same time, I can see why he might be feeling like he's on the outer. You have the baby full-time, you have got the baby into a routine, you're telling him what the baby does and doesn't like. He may be feeling very insignificant in the whole thing.

redsquirrel2 · 07/10/2017 23:34

Have you registered the birth yet? I believe (but could be wrong) that he has no rights if you don't name him as father and you were never married. So tell him to do one.

TillyTheTiger · 07/10/2017 23:35

Your DS is still so tiny, your ex is being a bit selfish by putting his needs ahead of his son. At 3 weeks old my DS breastfed relentlessly. He'd happily be held or fall asleep on DH for maybe 30-45 minutes max but after that he wanted to be back on me again. There's no way he could have gone 3 hours without me holding/feeding him, he'd have screamed the house down. I did a lot of reading about the 4th trimester and realised it was totally normal. DH bonded with DS by bathing him, taking him for a walk in the pram to give me a break for half an hour, doing nappy changes etc, as well as lots of singing to him and talking to him when DS was snuggled on my lap but facing DH.
Has your ex tried borrowing an item of your clothing or a muslin that you've worn against your skin so that he smells of you a bit - might help your DS feel a bit more secure until he gets used to him?

SuperBeagle · 07/10/2017 23:37

Have you registered the birth yet? I believe (but could be wrong) that he has no rights if you don't name him as father and you were never married. So tell him to do one.

What the fuck? This is a horrid attitude.

SuperBeagle · 07/10/2017 23:38

Also, just noticed that I incorrectly believed your son was 10 weeks old. My apologies. If he's 3 weeks, I can see why visits are still only at your house.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/10/2017 23:38

So the baby gets to be distressed elsewhere?

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 07/10/2017 23:42

To be fair, if I wasn't married to the father of my children and we separated, like fuck would I put him on the BC.

He decides one day he's not giving them back and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

I used to agree it was a shitty attitude. Then I had my own kids and it'd changed my perspective.

Blueskyrain · 07/10/2017 23:44

Emily, its still a shitty attitude Hmm

AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/10/2017 23:46

There's no way I'd just jet him get on with it.

I'd limit it to one hour max, he either listens to you or leaves. Your house, your rules. DS isn't a plaything nor an implement with which to make you suffer.

Be strong.

EmilyReallyKnowsHerStuff · 07/10/2017 23:48

I'm not really arsed about "attitude". In this hypothetical discussion, I am more concerned with ensuring my kids can't be taken without my consent.

SuperBeagle · 07/10/2017 23:51

I'm not really arsed about "attitude". In this hypothetical discussion, I am more concerned with ensuring my kids can't be taken without my consent.

Plot twist: this isn't about you or your kids.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/10/2017 23:54

A lot of this your going to have to just suck up because it is a learning process for him as well.
Stuff like not meeting fairly basic care needs like not changing the baby because he prefers to hold him instead is a bit different.

Being able to prioritise a baby’s needs over your own emotional wants can be very hard when you don’t see a baby all the time but it’s often not that hard to solve with someone whose reasonable and sometimes reasonable people can get caught out with relationship dynamics.

Something that often helps me when I’m dealing with irritating people is looking at how I communicate with them for example if they are perceiving that I’m being bossy or trying to impose my practises on them rather than suggest (guessing that’s where he’s going with the nappy thing) I would try “x needs changing to be comfortable as he’s just woken up nappy rash is painful let’s not risk it” whilst handing clean nappy to him, that way your giving a reason and making it easier for him to accept the instruction.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/10/2017 23:56

Do you think he's just coming round your house to annoy you? It sounds like it. If there's no court order you can tell him to fuck off anyway, there is no way you are obliged to let him into your house. Tell him you will allow him to see DS in a public place for a short time once or twice a week - if he decides to be tiresome about it and go to court it will take quite a lot of time before he has any rights that can be enforced.