To be irritated over ex DPs contact with our new born?

[RogerThatOver]

DP and I separated when I was 10 weeks pregnant and I gave birth to our son three weeks ago. Obviously ex DP is coming to my house for contact but I'm finding it really irritating and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable so I'd appreciate your honesty. Ex DP works shifts so he comes round at various times of day for around 3-4 hours at a time. He will not take on board anything I've said about DS and so DS generally spends the duration of contact crying.

For example - if ex DP arrives and DS wakes from a nap he'll pick him up and keep saying 'what's the matter?' 'There's no need to cry' etc even though DS is obviously wet and uncomfortable. If DS is tired, ex DP will walk round holding and rocking him while he screams the house down. I've explained to ex DP that I feed DS until he's sleepy but not asleep then put him in his moses basket with my hand on his tummy and he settles himself without tears. Ex DP said he won't do that because he wants to hold him

I get that he wants to hold him and feel like he's doing something but I don't think it's fair on DS to be upset for such long periods unnecessarily. I can't get anything done when ex DP is here because of the screaming and him then asking me to feed DS to calm him down.

AIBU to be irritated by ex DP continuing to do what he wants and ignoring my suggestions of what'll help DS? He keeps saying what a high maintenance baby he is but when it's just the two of us, he very rarely cries.

This sounds horrendous. My twins crying is my kryptonite - I physically can't stand it. If my husband had refused to listen to me when they needed something so he could hold them and let them scream, it would not have gone well, especially with my physical and mental state as it was in the weeks after my section.

I think you're doing great to stay so calm. I would try and have a rational conversation with him - say you're absolutely not trying to be critical of him as a parent, but as you're with the baby most of the time you're starting to understand what he needs and what works. Maybe make a point of saying it took you a while to figure this stuff out too but you don't think it's good for his son to associate him with being uncomfortable and crying so your suggestions are to make it more pleasant for everyone - although my main concern would be the baby, it can't be nice for him to have the baby scream at him for all his visits either.

My twins were not willing to be scheduled but perhaps if yours is you can soon set up a more defined schedule, even if it's loose - obviously bfing is on demand but when mine were in nicu they were fed and changed every 3 hours (unless there was a poop in between then I changed them again) so maybe you could at least set nappy change times and anything else that gives you a bit of routine. Maybe that would help you during your visits but only if it's feasible which it may well not be, at least for a while.

I'm sure he will figure things out for himself eventually but it sucks that he's willing to let the baby be distressed just so he doesn't have to listen to you. Is he generally a reasonable person?

Your baby has a dad who wants to be involved even though you are separated. Those people who are telling you not to put him on the birth cert have no thought for the baby's future plus he could apply for parental responsibility anyway. I agree that 3-4 hours is a long time so maybe insist on shorter visits and having his mum visit at same time occasionally may help. He might listen to her. Hard as it is try not to fall out for your baby's sake ex is probably just trying to find his feet like any new parent.

I'm gobsmacked there are actually people saying not to put the dad on the birth certificate due to this. That's horrendous and cruel, not only to the father but the child.

OP, I do think you need to sit down and explain with your exDP. He can't enjoy having his son like that and eventually he kuvht listen (all the while pretending it was his idea). Either that or get his mum involved as another pp suggested.

Just stop visits untill he takes you to court by the time it's all gone through if he actually bothers bubs will be old enough to do an hour in a contact centre once a fortnight.

Hi OP, sorry I've no advice on exdp, but I did have a baby that hated to to held and rocked to sleep. I told people that she liked to stretch out, but could stroke face or put hand on tummy etc.

Confused . Would you feel the same if you were the non resident parent? People would slate a father who showed no interest in his child.

Go to bed, have a bath or go out while he's there. Leave him to it if he won't listen to what you find works with baby. Limit visits to an hour or two.

Those of you saying of course do wants to hold him

This is about the child’s access and building a bind with his parent

not
The father treating this baby like a toy

This person needs to wake up and start parenting and that means doing what’s best for baby

Op have you got any mutual friends that could have a word?

Your baby has a dad who wants to be involved even though you are separated. Those people who are telling you not to put him on the birth cert have no thought for the baby's future plus he could apply for parental responsibility anyway.

YES! This!!! ^

He wants to be involved, he doesn't quite "get it' re babies and needs but it's a blessing he is there for his child. When baby gets older many things will (naturally/by force) change (and hopefully he won't always have to enter your space to see his child), but I'd advise you to be patient. All this birth certificate omission talk is so disgusting and disrespectful. Unless baby was in real danger, why the hell is it being mentioned here?

A man who is more interested in what he wants than what the baby needs isn't being a good dad. I still think it's possible that this contact is more about him being able to get under OP's feet and annoy her, than about wanting to be a parent.
Does he treat you with courtesy and respect, OP? If not, you can refuse to have him in your house.