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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to let their dog stay at Christmas

121 replies

HoHoN0 · 05/10/2017 20:24

Firstly sorry for mentioning Christmas so early and sorry for the long post! We had been hoping for a fairly low key Christmas this year after having a very stressful year. Rather than offering to do Christmas (as we usually do) we thought we would play things by ear and see what family were doing. So far so good.

Earlier this week I found out that apparently sil has decided that she, her partner, son and dog will be arriving the day before Christmas Eve. Mil and her partner will arrive the next day and they will all stay until Boxing Day, we don't live close so sleeping over is the only option. We weren't asked about this, or if it would be ok.

Now, although I am really pissed off that no one thought it appropriate to ask me, I am prepared to have 5 guests for Christmas and cook for them all even though it means cooking traditional and veggie meals. We have two dogs (pretty well behaved if a little boisterous) but their dog is badly trained and can't be left alone with our two. I have said to dh that I don't want their dog to come as it will be hectic enough with 7 of us (including an excited 8 year old and an unstable elderly man with altzheimers). Dh has asked mil to suggest the dog does not come but doesn't seem confident. Sil is used to getting her own way and overreacts so mil and dh are wary of annoying her. She has been incredibly rude to dh in the past and she hasn't exactly been grateful when they have stayed with us in the past. Am I being unreasonable to insist that the dog can't stay?

OP posts:

TakeMe2Insanity · 05/10/2017 21:38

The thing is if you tell her the dog can't come she may turn at your doorstep with the dog and an excuse (kennels cancelled, sitter ill etc) so then what? You won't be able to turn them away. I'd go with either nobody comes or you accept the dog is coming. I'd go with no one.

Original poster

HoHoN0 · 05/10/2017 21:39

Whiskey It was sil's plan - she is a great one for making plans without asking! Dh and I will be having a serious talk about this and what needs to be done for prep. He always helps with the cooking though.

OP posts:

RhiannonOHara · 05/10/2017 21:43

she is a great one for making plans without asking!

That's not making plans, it's making assumptions and a nuisance of herself and it needs stamping out.

Original poster

HoHoN0 · 05/10/2017 21:43

Dh is usually pretty good but because mil was so ill earlier in the year he doesn't want to upset her, and she is lovely. But some boundaries need to be set with sil, so I suspect there are some difficult conversations ahead.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2017 21:44

Op, do you hope she won’t come without the dog and this is your way of trying to stop her coming?

Is the dog used to kennels? As you will know many people won’t kennel their dogs unless they have to.

Ellie56 · 05/10/2017 21:45

If CF SIL turns up with the dog tell her to leave it in the car.

And this Christmas you need to make it very clear you are not hosting next year. Better still get a few brochures to leave around and say you're planning on going away next Christmas.

Maelstrop · 05/10/2017 21:50

It is your dh's job to tell his sister she can't bring the dog. He needs to insist and tell her she is not welcome if she brings the dog. Harsh, but don't let yourself be trodden on.

Ceto · 05/10/2017 21:51

If SIL is rude about not bringing the dog, tell her you aren't prepared to accept that and the invitation is withdrawn. Phone her a couple of days beforehand and ask what arrangements she has made for the dog. If she says she hasn't made any, remind her that she's not bringing it to your house and you'll have to ask her to leave if she turns up with the dog - and be prepared to stand by that. If she says she has made arrangements but turns up with the dog anyway, tell her she seems to have forgotten to leave the dog behind and say she'll have to take the dog to the kennels (or whatever it was) immediately. And if she has a tantrum, treat her like a toddler and leave her to it.

Ceto · 05/10/2017 21:52

Is the dog used to kennels? As you will know many people won’t kennel their dogs unless they have to.

That's not really OP's problem. If her SIL doesn't want to leave the dog in kennels, she can stay home with it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/10/2017 21:54

We would only put ddog2 in kennels as a last resort - she is a rescue dog and it would really upset her.

But this is entirely OUR problem to sort out, if we want or need to go away.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/10/2017 21:55

I know you've said to your DH that they can come but you're well within your rights to add a caveat to that by saying "The people can come, the dog, no".
Alternatively, get back in touch with the family members in the order that you think best (as in who will take the news best, maybe contact them first) and say that you're sorry that you're not able to host this year as you're planning on being away (those plans could always fall through later) and see how that goes. You can always say that you've had a change of heart and you're just not up to hosting this year and they'll have to make other arrangements.

CommanderDaisy · 05/10/2017 22:00

Plan A - Tell her she can't bring the dog.
Use the same reasoning you and your Dh are for allowing them all to invite themselves to Christmas. That the dog has badly behaved in the past and you want to keep things calm for your MIL as she has been unwell. Email this and cc everyone. The only danger with this is that your MIL will tell her it won't bother her, but perhaps you can brief her in advance or your FIL. If she kicks off in the face of that reasoning she'll look like an ass.
Plan B - If she is likely to show up with the dog anyway, pre-book a local kennel near you, after telling her no dog and this is what will happen if she brings it. Tell her she can't make a fuss as this will upset MIL and you are all trying to avoid that. Take the dog to kennel yourselves if necessary. Then if she wants the damn thing back, she'll have to pay.
Plan C- tell your BIL no dog. And tell him of kennels Plan B. Send BIL Plan D research.
Plan D - book or research a list of local kennels near her. Send it via e-mail and cc everyone. Ask her to confirm the booking with one of them as you've made enquiries for her. Do the work for her.

One of those might work.
Good luck.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 05/10/2017 22:03

Just remember - it's only October. If your SIL is great at making plans without asking, be better at unmaking these plans.
Get your DH on board first as it's not fair on you guys for them to make a blanket announcement announcing that they are going to show up at your door for Christmas.
Start to make your own traditions. Decide how you (you and your DH) actually really want to spend your Christmas and I'd imagine that sorting out SIL isn't one of them.

Ummmmgogo · 05/10/2017 22:06

be clear that it's the dogs behaviour that is the issue. my logic was that it's not like there won't be other dogs there, you would barely notice hers as you seem to like dogs anyway. get through to her that her dog is not welcome as you have more than enough to do looking after uninvited guests.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 05/10/2017 22:09

God ye all sound pathetic. Why do you all let this woman walk all over you? Your mil and dh are afraid of her, how attractive that must be . Threads like this really make me despair, you can stand up for yourself without being rude you know and the only reason sil will go mad is because your spinless dh and mil let her away with this shit for years, they created this monster, they let her away with it and now she just thinks it's ok so you have two choices - stand up for yourself and break the cycle or join the spinless crew and put up with her shit forever

I appreciate that might sound harsh but really just act like an adult

speakout · 05/10/2017 22:09

No one comes to stay at my home without an invite.

OP stop allowing people to walk over you- it's not a good example to set for your children

Restingwitchface · 05/10/2017 22:10

Only on MN would a load of relatives just decide they were spending Christmas at another family members house!

Yes! Never heard of anything like this in RL! Just say no!!

cluelessnewmum · 05/10/2017 22:10

Is there any reason why the naughty dog can't just be put in a bedroom out the way of your dogs / other people?

Sometimes we have to bring our cats over Xmas to others, not ideal for them but they're happier just being left alone in a quiet room, if they've got food water and a litter tray.

LostwithSawyer · 05/10/2017 22:14

Why not just call her and say by all means you lot can come but the dog stays at home???

pictish · 05/10/2017 22:17

Just tell her the truth. Say, "(Dog) is really sweet but he's also hard work. He takes food off the worktops, scratches my doors, winds our dogs up and isn't under control. I think having him here while I'm cooking and space is at a premium will be stressful. I'd be grateful if you'd find alternative arrangements for him while you're here. Thank you."

AnathemaPulsifer · 05/10/2017 22:21

Sometimes we have to bring our cats over Xmas to others, not ideal for them but they're happier just being left alone in a quiet room, if they've got food water and a litter tray.

You don't have to bring your cats. Catteries supply a quiet room with food, water and a litter tray. If you have cats and nobody to swap favours and care for them at home you need to budget for professional care. Anyone trying to bring their cats here would get short shrift.

JaneEyre70 · 05/10/2017 22:22

My family come to me every year for Xmas, and they bring their dogs. I put a stair gate up across the kitchen for when we are eating, and my mum has two very yippy dogs that when they get too much for my dog, I ask her to pop them in their crate so they can calm down. It's always said nicely, and has never been an issue. I don't think it's fair to punish the dog for the fact its' owners can't be arsed to train it. Surely if they are travelling with it, they'd have a crate anyway.

Appuskidu · 05/10/2017 22:27

I can't believe they have invited themselves to stay with you and you're just letting them!

catbas · 05/10/2017 22:28

Jesus Christ how do people get themselves into these situations in the first place.

Restingwitchface · 05/10/2017 22:30

I agree, I am confuddled. Stop bitching about SIL and get assertive!

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