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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to let their dog stay at Christmas

121 replies

HoHoN0 · 05/10/2017 20:24

Firstly sorry for mentioning Christmas so early and sorry for the long post! We had been hoping for a fairly low key Christmas this year after having a very stressful year. Rather than offering to do Christmas (as we usually do) we thought we would play things by ear and see what family were doing. So far so good.

Earlier this week I found out that apparently sil has decided that she, her partner, son and dog will be arriving the day before Christmas Eve. Mil and her partner will arrive the next day and they will all stay until Boxing Day, we don't live close so sleeping over is the only option. We weren't asked about this, or if it would be ok.

Now, although I am really pissed off that no one thought it appropriate to ask me, I am prepared to have 5 guests for Christmas and cook for them all even though it means cooking traditional and veggie meals. We have two dogs (pretty well behaved if a little boisterous) but their dog is badly trained and can't be left alone with our two. I have said to dh that I don't want their dog to come as it will be hectic enough with 7 of us (including an excited 8 year old and an unstable elderly man with altzheimers). Dh has asked mil to suggest the dog does not come but doesn't seem confident. Sil is used to getting her own way and overreacts so mil and dh are wary of annoying her. She has been incredibly rude to dh in the past and she hasn't exactly been grateful when they have stayed with us in the past. Am I being unreasonable to insist that the dog can't stay?

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 05/10/2017 21:13

So it's not really your decision then because your DH has already decided?
Tell them all to do what they want and book a holiday

thatdearoctopus · 05/10/2017 21:14

I adore my dog, but I would never expect him to be invited to other (non-doggie) people's houses. If they say to bring him, then great, but otherwise, we make other arrangements.

DoubleDinghyRapids · 05/10/2017 21:14

I have a puppy who I love to bits and would take everywhere if could Blush , I go to my mams every week for lunch and always ask if it’s ok, she has her own dog and hers can be a bit tetchy after so long, puppy isn’t naughty but she’s a bouncy and playful thing and mums dog gets fed up after so long, so would totally understand if my Mum didn’t want me to take her, if she said no, I wouldn’t throw a fit, I’d sort something for my puppy. We are staying there at Christmas this year along with my brother and sister and would not dream of expecting mum to put up with my puppy for a few days, I’ve arranged someone to look after puppy. It’s not fair on my Mum, and not fair on her dog either. The extra people in the home makes the kids and her own dog excitable enough without adding another dog.

Some people just don’t like dogs and it’s totally reasonable to not have them in your home, if the dog is badly behaved and bothers your two dogs then Idsay no too.

I don’t agree that three dogs are the same work as two.. it would be if they all got on and are well behaved, but if the third is badly behaved and aggressive with other two it’s a lot of extra work as you have to make sure they are separated. Sometimes owners of visiting dog think their house rules apply in yours too, things like dogs on sofas, in beds etc and don’t supervise them and make sure doors are kept shut to separate etc, you could end up catering for everyone while managing three dogs too.. I know people will say just to tell her to look after her dog, but the fact she’s invited herself, her family and her dog to stay at your home without even asking suggests she does what she wants anyway.

My dog is very much part of my family and we all love her, but I know to everyone else she’s just a dog and extended family should not have to include her in planning family get to togethers, that’s my job as I chose to take on that responsibility.. yes it’s nice when I can take her but isn’t and shouldn’t be assumed or expected.

MrsMotherHen · 05/10/2017 21:14

It's not an ideal situation really is it.

If she does bring the dog can't you all go on a lovely morning walk with all 3 tire them all out for the day then get some good chews for them to settle with and then hopefully snooze the day away after.

ToadsforJustice · 05/10/2017 21:15

Grow a backbone and just say no!

AlpacaLypse · 05/10/2017 21:15

Practical head... is there a shed or a garage that a dog can be posted off to? Obviously with bedding etc.

Meanwhile, you've been railroaded. Not funny. It took me 16 years to finally throw a hissy fit about the outlaws expectations of Christmas, that's 16 pissed-about-with ruined Christmases. Last Christmas - the 17th one - I finally got MY Christmas. No racing about pleasing every aunt and granny and step granny and sister in law. It was absolutely wonderful. And DP snuggled down on the sofa about 9 ish when all children had gone to bed and thanked me for the loveliest Christmas ever. I'd worked out he been agreeing to their demands out of duty a long time ago but hadn't realised how much he'd been hating it.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/10/2017 21:16

They sound like the kind of people you can't trust to actually do what they have agreed to.

Can you book a local kennel and email to say you can't have the dog in the house but understand it might be difficult for them to make arrangements so you have booked a kennel for it, lovely place, they can visit dog there if they wish etc.

RhiannonOHara · 05/10/2017 21:17

I can't get up much sympathy for you, TBH. You've let them walk all over you. In your shoes I'd tell them all where to stick their Christmas. DH included.

RosyPony · 05/10/2017 21:18

Just do what my MiL does and make things up about the dog, I kid you not. It's strange that the dog has committed about a dozen misdemeanours that only she has ever seen and yet hasn't put a paw wrong anywhere else 🙄

yorkshireyummymummy · 05/10/2017 21:19

Whiskey2014 just because you hosted a Christmas with 16 people, 3 dogs and the dogs settled down in 30 mins does not matter. These dogs are different dogs to yours so behave differently.
The OP has said that the other dog is a nightmare, scratches doors and climbs on surfaces to get to food. It damages her house and sounds an utter nightmare. I love dogs and also have them but wouldn't let somebody bring a badly behaved dog that damages my property and steals food to my home especially over Christmas. I don't think stick it in a bedroom with a pigs ear is any sort of advice. Just sounds a tad patronising to me.
HoHoNo - if your hubby wants his family to come for Christmas despite your desire for a quiet time then he has to man up. You need to tell him that they can come ( if you are happy with this) but not the dog. Dog has to go in kennels. It's not fair on you to expect your dogs to be upset, to have your doors etc damaged, to have food stolen by a CFdog and be constantly on edge as you are worried about what CFdog will be doing next. As you say, you have to do all of the cooking single handed so there's a lot of work on your shoulders.
So get husband to email SIL and stop messing on trying to get MIL to do your dirty work.
You also need to make some plans for next year unless you want every single year to be used so your husband's family can spend Christmas together. Where's your family? Where's doing what you want.? If you do have his family this year then make sure you say that you will not be doing it next year. Pre empt them since they don't even wait for an invite, they just presume.
The dog obviously takes after his owners as they all sound like CF's to me, planning Christmas at your home without an invite.

Rainbunny · 05/10/2017 21:20

Sorry OP I feel for you but this is probably the most infuriating thread I've read in a while. Everyone caving in to a single family member because she kicks and screams to get her own way. Come on people, LET her have her tantrum, you'll will care a whole lot less about her displeasure than you might think. It seems about high time someone shuts down this behaviour. Yes to hosting them for Christmas (if you like) but no to the dog and she can deal with it.

Ellybellyboo · 05/10/2017 21:20

I'd just say no to all of them coming.

Against my better judgement I agreed to MiL bringing her dog with her when she stayed in the summer. It was a bloody nightmare.

My dog is older and has arthritis. He doesn't mind other dogs but can't be doing with them when they jump all over him and he can get a bit growly and snappy. MiL is a fully paid up member of the "he's only playing" brigade and let her dog run riot. We had to get the baby gates down out of the loft and keep them separate in the end. My dog was most unhappy at being shut out of certain parts of his own house

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/10/2017 21:21

So what if people think you are a bitch? People think SIL is a bitch. She gets everyone falling over themselves to keep her happy.

What are the chances of her saying she will leave the dog behind then turning up on your doorstep with it saying there were no kennels, she couldn't do that to poor doggy etc etc?

What will you do then?

Doilooklikeatourist · 05/10/2017 21:23

Well I don’t like dogs , so maybe I’m a bit meh about the whole idea , but is there a local boarding kennel that the guest dog could be booked into ( at their expense )

Whisky2014 · 05/10/2017 21:23

yorkshire I was putting it in perspective. One dog will not make that big of a difference.but I don't care if the dog goes or not. The op does but the husband doesn't. He should look after the sodding dog if it comes. And yes, pigs ear last a fair while so it's not patronising it's just a tip to keep it occupied. Ffs.

Inertia · 05/10/2017 21:25

You could moan about on here and say nothing to the family, and then have exactly the Christmas you don't want.

Alternatively you tell them that you're having a quiet Christmas, no invitations, and let them make other plans.

Or say they can come, but no dog.

But whatever you want, they aren't telepathic. You have to tell people what you will accept and what you won't.

tinytemper66 · 05/10/2017 21:25

Go away for Christmas!

Whisky2014 · 05/10/2017 21:27

I just think this is such a non issue.
Maybe the MIL just said oh silver and xyz will come to the op so the op would agree then mil goes back to silence and says "you're invited!" I can see many mothers and mothers in law doing this to make sure their kids aren't left out. We have no idea how the sister in law mentioned it because the op hasn't said!

Whisky2014 · 05/10/2017 21:27

*sil and x y z

DoubleDinghyRapids · 05/10/2017 21:30

Your dh “over rode” you? I’d be making sure he managed all the extra work his over riding you has created too.

He will be planning and buying and prepping bulk of the extra food?
He will be doing bulk of cleaning extra pots pans and plates?
He will be doing the bulk of cleaning and sorting out guest Rooms?

Or like his sister, does he also take advantage of people and assume others are ok with doing the extra work they create? If your husband ignores your input and overrides you I can totally see why you’re struggling with his extended family.

It sounds like you need to get dh to respect your feelings and input in this, him thinking he gets final say and over riding stuff is disrespectful to you.

Original poster
HoHoN0 · 05/10/2017 21:32

I will tell her the dog can't come, but as Runrabbit suggests I think she will bring it anyway. Not sure what to do in that case. I really don't want to be a doormat.

OP posts:
Tapandgo · 05/10/2017 21:33

Nightmare at Christmas! Why agree to it? Just say you are having a quiet Christmas this year and are not up to hosting again.

Tapandgo · 05/10/2017 21:34

Unless you put your foot down - you will be a doormat. Why can't you just say no?

OnTheRise · 05/10/2017 21:35

I will tell her the dog can't come, but as Runrabbit suggests I think she will bring it anyway. Not sure what to do in that case. I really don't want to be a doormat.

Tell her she can't bring the dog under any circumstances, and that if she arrives with it anyway she'll not be allowed in. And then stick to it.

If she brings the dog it'll be her problem, not yours.

RhiannonOHara · 05/10/2017 21:38

I think she will bring it anyway. Not sure what to do in that case. I really don't want to be a doormat.

THEN STOP BEING ONE.

Sorry to shout. But you must stand up for yourself.

Tell them they are not invited. Them or the dog.

Explain to your DH that he does not get to 'override' Hmm you.

In the nicest way possible, OP, get a backbone.