To refuse to let their dog stay at Christmas

[HoHoN0]

Firstly sorry for mentioning Christmas so early and sorry for the long post! We had been hoping for a fairly low key Christmas this year after having a very stressful year. Rather than offering to do Christmas (as we usually do) we thought we would play things by ear and see what family were doing. So far so good.

Earlier this week I found out that apparently sil has decided that she, her partner, son and dog will be arriving the day before Christmas Eve. Mil and her partner will arrive the next day and they will all stay until Boxing Day, we don't live close so sleeping over is the only option. We weren't asked about this, or if it would be ok.

Now, although I am really pissed off that no one thought it appropriate to ask me, I am prepared to have 5 guests for Christmas and cook for them all even though it means cooking traditional and veggie meals. We have two dogs (pretty well behaved if a little boisterous) but their dog is badly trained and can't be left alone with our two. I have said to dh that I don't want their dog to come as it will be hectic enough with 7 of us (including an excited 8 year old and an unstable elderly man with altzheimers). Dh has asked mil to suggest the dog does not come but doesn't seem confident. Sil is used to getting her own way and overreacts so mil and dh are wary of annoying her. She has been incredibly rude to dh in the past and she hasn't exactly been grateful when they have stayed with us in the past. Am I being unreasonable to insist that the dog can't stay?

[CatastropheKate]

YANBU, my sil has brought her small annoying yappy dog here for family meals before. It's a little shit, tries to chew your shoes while you're wearing them and is evil to my dog.

I usually spend my time kicking it around the kitchen as it's always under my feet looking for food while I'm rushing around. That sounds really mean, but our (much bigger) dog generally doesn't go into the kitchen during meal prep/eating, and if it does wander through, he keeps out of the way, instead of expecting people to walk around him.

[Mittens1969]

Fgs, I would never take my 4 cats with us when we go and visit family for Christmas, or at any other time, it’s so not right. I always book them into a cattery well in advance.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

there are already 2 dogs in the house a third won't make much difference

Shows what you know about dogs gogo. They are territorial. A lot of dogs (mine included) will not allow a non-family dog (i.e. one which doesn't live in the house) into their home.

Many dogs will - but if the visiting dog tries to get their food, bed or toys, there may be a fight. Plus if you have a number of over-excited, stressed dogs (particularly at a hyper time like Christmas) and over-excited children (ditto) and lots of food, drink and crowded living rooms, quite frankly, it will be a recipe for someone getting nipped, or food stolen, or a family argument of heroic proportions as people get annoyed with the dogs, the dogs get increasingly stressed and noisy, and dog-owners start to argue about whose animals are responsible for any trouble.

YANBU not to want the dog (tbh, I'd probably not want the visitors either, but that's just me). The SIL - no dog. The brighter side could be that she will leave earlier than she would have done otherwise because she doesn't want to leave the dog alone too long.

I love my dogs, but I wouldn't presume to inflict them on other people - and they are well-behaved, quiet dogs though if they get the chance they will steal a turkey.

[HeebieJeebies456]

why don't you you just TELL sil that, on second thoughts, you've decided you'll all be going to hers for christmas?

I know you said they're not very good cooks, but you can do that in their kitchen, using their utensils.....and most importantly - their gas, water and electric!

Cheeky fuckers are doing a proper number on you!

[Hissy]

You can tell them that you’re not hosting this year, but you’ll be happy to meet up either before or after Christmas Day

[honeybeetheoneandonly]

Is it really just the dog or your sil in general?
Why don't you (your husband) tell SIL that last time they were all staying, things were very crowded and with mil having been poorly it might just be a bit much to all stay at your house this year, and could they please arrange to stay nearby instead.
Don't ask if it would be possible to, just ask them to please look for a place close to stay.
If it's just the dog, just tell them it's lovely to all come together but always chaotic and last time their dog was over you all had to keep an eye on him, so in order to avoid it you don't want to add their dog into the mix this year.
Polite, friendly but assertive. You can always be firmer if need be.
It's your house and you are hosting. They might not like it but them are the rules.

[JWrecks]

Wow, it sounds like your DH's entire family walk on eggshells around this woman! Looks like it's time somebody finally step up and play the "bad guy" to her for once. Unfortunately, it looks like that person will have to be you.

As PP have suggested, tell her that you are looking forward to her visit, but you simply cannot accommodate the dog this time. The house is too full, your dogs do not get on well, and it will be utter chaos on top of everything else going on, and you are not willing to lock your dogs away for the duration of her stay. If you feel you need to, be apologetic. If you feel you need to, explain that it's simply too much for you.

In the same breath you're telling her no dog, suggest a kennel nearby your house so she can go visit the dog while she's staying, even give her their contact information if you have it.

But UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES must you let that dog into your house for any amount of time. Let her throw her tantrum, let her slag you off to all the relatives (who, it seems, already understand that the problem is her), and let her get over it while you ignore it and get on with your life.

And echoing the frustration here with the fact she just decided that she and her family - and her dog - were staying at yours for several days, without even a word of discussion. I'd be furming!

[carefreeeee]

Phone her up straight away and regretfully explain that unfortunately the dog can't come under any circumstances. Otherwise you will end up with vague confused hinting from other family members and they will bring the dog and you will be annoyed. Can't understand why people need to take their dogs everywhere especially when they are badly trained

[KC225]

Stand up for yourself OP. Grow a pair of Christmas breasts and woman up. Your DH has overridden your wish to have a quiet Christmas and now your rude SIL is bringing a badly behaved dog. Grab ya blobs and take back Christmas.

It's early October. Email or text and say, NO dog. It didn't work last time and there will be no room. There is plenty of time to look for a kennels or doggy B&B. She'll be saving on food and drink. I'd she can organise a ferry. She can arrange something for the dog.

[keepcalmandfuckon]

Sounds like you can't stand up to your sil or your dh. You realise it's your home too?
Christmas is ages away. Let them find nearby accommodation and come over on the day for lunch.
Btw your dh isn't 'helping' with the cooking. It's his family, so he should bloody be cooking.

[Ropsleybunny]

I think this isn't about a dog, it's about the OP being an absolute door mat. FFS just tell the lot of them to do one.

[emmyrose2000]

God ye all sound pathetic. Why do you all let this woman walk all over you? Your mil and dh are afraid of her, how attractive that must be hmm. Threads like this really make me despair, you can stand up for yourself without being rude you know and the only reason sil will go mad is because your spinless dh and mil let her away with this shit for years, they created this monster, they let her away with it and now she just thinks it's ok so you have two choices - stand up for yourself and break the cycle or join the spinless crew and put up with her shit forever

Yep, gotta agree with this.

Come December there'll be another post about how SIL has turned up with the dog, it's been allowed to stay, and how it's driving OP crazy. No sympathy from me.

[BarbarianMum]

Well if your MiL has been very ill this year and your FiL has Alzheimer's I do actually see why your dh wants them over for Christmas. Sounds like dMiL could do with a break and a hand.

Why this means that SiL has to bring her dog is not clear. Suggest you ring her and tell her no fucking way. If she kicks off and doesn't want to come all the better.

[Appuskidu]

I think it's astonishingly rude to just tell someone when you're turning up at their house for Christmas! I just don't get why you would just roll over and take it.

I predict that unless you tell them, 'sorry-we won't be here this Xmas -we are doing xyz'-they will spend the rest of your married life treating you like a servant-good luck with that.

[5rivers7hills]

NEver mind the dog, tell them you aren’t up for hosting at alll this year!

[ZippyCameBack]

(including an excited 8 year old and an unstable elderly man with altzheimers).
I think this may be the key. MrZippy's uncle has Alzheimer's and we have found that the excitement of a family Christmas makes him very confused and distressed. If he is also not steady on his feet then three dogs tearing about won't help at all. The whole thing has massive potential for disaster. Is there any way you could just have your MIL?
I do sympathise but I think that standing up for yourself and saying no will be very liberating for you. If your SIL has a hissy fit and refuses to come, then so what? It isn't healthy for adults to be so afraid of upsetting another person.
The communicating via your MIL thing is very familiar, unfortunately. In my family, all communication is via my mother. When I refused to listen to passed-along messages and insisted that the rest of the family had to actually talk to me if they wanted something (and it was always because they wanted something!) they just stopped speaking to me at all. It's fine.

[AlternativeTentacle]

Now, although I am really pissed off that no one thought it appropriate to ask me, I am prepared to have 5 guests for Christmas and cook for them all even though it means cooking traditional and veggie meals.

Well, that is as maybe. But at what point in your life are you going to stop other people walking all over you?

Nobody would ever do this to me. What I have is a conversation where one asks and the other says yes or no and [wait for it] the asker then respects the decision! I know, what a fucking crazy world I live in.

[Deathraystare]

Seriously, say you have other plans for Christmas. People saying what's another dog? It is a problem if untrained - it all adds to the mix. You should not feel obliged to house them all especially as your sister has form for appalling behaviour. Please tell them all firmly that they have not been invited and that is that. You won't enjoy it and I bet your sister will be on fine form, especially if her dog plays up too.

[Nikephorus]

Seriously? Just invite MIL & FIL, and tell SIL that you just want a quieter Christmas where both PIL and you can relax. That way DH gets what he wants (!) and you don't have pandemonium. Don't let people just invite themselves! Tell them what YOU'RE doing at YOUR home. The world won't come to an end just because you actually decide to be assertive for once.

[Ellie56]

Nikephorous has the answer especially as MIL has been ill and FIL has Alzheimers.

But you need to ring SIL and tell her. Tell her you haven't issued any invites because you've had a very stressful year and MIL has been ill so you want a quiet Christmas this time. It may help to write down what you're going to say before you ring and if she throws a hissy fit, use the broken record technique and just keep repeating, "We want a quiet Christmas this year... we want a quiet Christmas this year...we want a quiet Christmas this year..."

You will feel so much better afterwards. And you will have a lovely Christmas too. You could always suggest visiting SIL and mad dog on Boxing Day or the day after.

[Danceswithwarthogs]

That is a very wise and considerate way of approaching the conversation....

It's not you being selfish (although you're quite entitled to the quiet Christmas you wanted) or about the dog'sitting behaviour (tho again yanbu for not wanting that extra chaos)... make it all about the delicate state of health and needs of your in laws. She'd have to be a heartless, entitled mare to thfow a selfish strop in the face of that arguament.