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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ungrateful cow? (AIBU)

101 replies

Vixii · 03/10/2017 20:32

So, I'm the ungrateful cow in question. Maybe.

I'm going back to work in a few weeks so had asked my husband if he could please take care of our son on a weekend day so I could have some time to myself, get some new makeup, clothes etc and just spend some time alone. Our son is now nearly 1, we don't have any family who help us out so the idea of an entire few hours alone was glorious (please don't judge)!
However, hubby has just come home very pleased with himself that he's bought me a whole new set of makeup. He is very good at things like this - it's lovely. However, he seems unable to understand that this really really wasn't the actual point. He's joyfully explained that I now don't need to go shopping on Saturday so he can work in the garden and we can both go meet up with his friends for lunch.

AIBU unreasonable to be fuming? My emotions are a bit scattered with the idea of going back to work so not sure! I've said "thank you" so far and tried to explain it to him.

OP posts:
Graceflorrick · 03/10/2017 20:36

Thank him for the makeup, tell him you still need clothes though so will still need time on Saturday.

formerbabe · 03/10/2017 20:40

I get you. I think he probably saw your shopping trip as a purely practical exercise...need make up so buy make up, job done! Whereas you saw it as time alone, a nice break and mooch round the shops. Tell him you were looking forward to some time alone and stick to your plans.

MrsExpo · 03/10/2017 20:41

You're not going back yet, so why not stay home this Saturday but remind him you would still like to go clothes shopping next weekend and that he'll be on baby care duty for a few hours. Nice of him to get the make up for you ...... seems he was just trying to help.

AlternativeTentacle · 03/10/2017 20:42

How would he know what makeup you wanted?

Sirzy · 03/10/2017 20:42

Thank him for the make up, tell him you will meet them for the meal after you have been to get your clothes.

SunshineHQ · 03/10/2017 20:43

That is really sweet (and naive?) of him - bless. Does he actually know anything about what makeup you like? I’d still explain you need some time for the clothes, and just some ‘space’ to look for stuff and get used to the readjustment to returning to work, and work-expectations!

Also one Saturday may not be enough. I always find rushing clothes shopping is a mistake. Get a few basics to start, but then maybe see if your partner can cover one evening a week, so you can go late night shopping once or twice, once you start back at work, and see what everyone is wearing.

I loved my lunchtimes when I went back to work after maternity leave. I worked near Covent Garden so once a week would take the full ‘one hour’ and browse the shops.

Auspiciouspanda · 03/10/2017 20:44

uh no your not ungrateful. he's basically took the easier option of shopping then looking after his own child.

just tell (and i mean tell) him you still need to go shopping so you'll be leaving at x time.

Allthewaves · 03/10/2017 20:48

He's tried to fix it, hasn't he. Still point out you need to buy new clothes

Neverknowing · 03/10/2017 20:48

It sounds like he's taken the easier option.
He must know looking after a baby is hard and he should know that everyone needs their own time/space.
I don't think ignorance is a good excuse because I'm sure he needs his own time and you look after your child in that time. Not realising or thinking about your partners needs is a big deal for me.

splendidisolation · 03/10/2017 20:50

I cant decide whether this is sweet or controlling

Appuskidu · 03/10/2017 20:50

He can't be that clueless, surely?! Hmm

pictish · 03/10/2017 20:51

Just tell him you're still going out on Saturday and that you were actually looking forward to it. That's ok isn't it?

MrsJamesAspey · 03/10/2017 20:52

Sounds a bit strange to me, is your DH worried about being left on his own with the baby?

As a pp said I’d say that I still need to look for clothes and will meet him and friends in time for the meal.

ethelfleda · 03/10/2017 20:57

How did you put the original shopping trip to him? If you just said you wanted him to look after the baby so you could run errands than I can see why he did what he did and why it was sweet.
If, however, it was a conversation like most normal people would have where you actually made a point of saying you wanted some time to yourself and enjoy a spot of shopping then YANBU

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/10/2017 21:02

But that's how men view shopping. You want A, so you go into the first shop that sells A, you buy A, you go home. Job done. The poor souls simply don't understand browsing, going into shops that don't sell A just for the fun of it, having a coffee, trying on shoes and then going back to the first shop you went in and buying A.

It's a chore to them, so they do it as fast as possible. He thinks he saved you a chore. Bless.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 03/10/2017 21:04

You're not ungrateful.

You need to tell him clearly and calmly that you appreciate that he got you makeup but that wasn't the point. You'll be going back to work soon and you need to be able to have time to yourself ahead of this. That time to yourself was to be spent getting new clothes and makeup and maybe even getting your hair done but also to see how your son deals with being separated from you and relying on daddy for a change.
I think while it's nice that he thought he was helping, it could be seen perhaps that your DH may be a touch anxious about being left with his son, alone, without you in the next room or upstairs to ask for advice and help. Would this be the first time that you would have left your son with only his dad for a few hours??

WhatchaMaCalllit · 03/10/2017 21:05

If you've said thank you and tried to explain it to him, what has he replied with?

formerbabe · 03/10/2017 21:05

But that's how men view shopping. You want A, so you go into the first shop that sells A, you buy A, you go home. Job done. The poor souls simply don't understand browsing, going into shops that don't sell A just for the fun of it, having a coffee, trying on shoes and then going back to the first shop you went in and buying A

So true! I never go shopping with my oh because the one time we did, he walked into the shop, picked up what he needed and paid for it. He didn't look at a single other thing...I was like wtf! I love a mooch round the shops by myself... heaven!

DeadGood · 03/10/2017 21:10

"Just tell him you're still going out on Saturday and that you were actually looking forward to it. That's ok isn't it?"

Exactly this OP.

Barbie222 · 03/10/2017 21:12

I'd sat, "How are you going to garden with a toddler in tow?" with a straight face. Say you've already got lunch plans. Then leave a big long pause.

JemimaLovesHamble · 03/10/2017 21:12

Go out on Saturday. He can take the baby out to lunch with his friends.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/10/2017 21:12

I'd say something like...

'Thank you, I think. I'm sure you were trying to be thoughtful, but actually it feels very controlling. You need to look after DS this weekend because, as I told you, I'm going out. I'm sure he'll be happy watching you garden & going out to lunch. I'm not the default parent'

Call him out every time he decides you are the default parent.

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/10/2017 21:14

From experience, formerbabe. You can tell, can't you. My OH won't browse. He won't even leave the house unless he knows what he's going to buy, and where.

Dustbunny1900 · 03/10/2017 21:15

Ha! He went out and bought it for you so he didn't have to watch his own kid and could do whatever he wanted on Saturday.
Maybe I'm being cynical. Well tell him you're still going out to get clothes and get some time for yourself.say thank you for the makeup, but I'm still going out.he figured he could cut that corner swiftly and find a way out of it is my guess

SnowiestMountain · 03/10/2017 21:17

Hmm is this sweet and he was trying to help or is it a bit controlling and a shady way of getting you not to go it??