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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ungrateful cow? (AIBU)

101 replies

Vixii · 03/10/2017 20:32

So, I'm the ungrateful cow in question. Maybe.

I'm going back to work in a few weeks so had asked my husband if he could please take care of our son on a weekend day so I could have some time to myself, get some new makeup, clothes etc and just spend some time alone. Our son is now nearly 1, we don't have any family who help us out so the idea of an entire few hours alone was glorious (please don't judge)!
However, hubby has just come home very pleased with himself that he's bought me a whole new set of makeup. He is very good at things like this - it's lovely. However, he seems unable to understand that this really really wasn't the actual point. He's joyfully explained that I now don't need to go shopping on Saturday so he can work in the garden and we can both go meet up with his friends for lunch.

AIBU unreasonable to be fuming? My emotions are a bit scattered with the idea of going back to work so not sure! I've said "thank you" so far and tried to explain it to him.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 03/10/2017 22:02

How sweet/thoughtful of him - by him doing this means you can just nip out on Saturday and get the other bits and bobs. Then meet up with him and his friends for lunch Grin

he'll come home tomorrow with new clothes for you

Sweet or controlling?

CobwebKitten · 03/10/2017 22:05

Creepy fucker.

That sound is the scary music playing over the movie of your life, where he buys you clothes next, so you don't have to go out and he gets to choose what you look like, then he asks you why you even need to work when you could just stay at home every day...

cantseemtohaveitall · 03/10/2017 22:09

Yeah, I think I'd go pretty crazy if my DH tried to buy me makeup to "save me the trouble of going myself".
One of the great joys in life is shopping for myself!
Not that he would ever dare to try and choose makeup, clothing or anything else for me. (He wouldn't know where to start and frankly I'm amazed to hear that any man would!)

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 03/10/2017 22:15

This isn't sweet at all, he's gone out and bought you make up and then made plans for both of you when you specifically said you were going out alone. He's made it so that you don't get your alone time and he doesn't have to look after this child by himself. If he'd just have bought you a little bit of make up then I'd maybe think differently, but he's made it so that he's able to completely changed your plans.

You need to tell him thank you for the gesture but you prefer xxxx brand/shade and you would like some alone time. Be absolutely honest with him, there is nothing wrong with wanting some time to yourself - its healthy! If he's worried about being alone with the baby then make some suggestions of things he could do, ideally you shouldn't have to do this but some dads (and mums!) can be anxious about being alone with the baby so he might need a bit of help.

Be firm, and stick to your plans. Even if he comes home with a new wardrobe of clothes for you tomorrow!

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 03/10/2017 22:15

This child? HIS child.

HeebieJeebies456 · 03/10/2017 22:15

He's playing you, OP.
He's trying to disguise his manipulation behind a 'clueless' and 'sweet' demeanour.

Did you notice how he managed you?
Did you even check the makeup to see if he got the exact right shade of foundation/blusher/lipstick?
He's a sly git and not that fucking clever!

TELL him you need some time on your own.
Gardening can be done when you get back/another day.....or he could re-arrange meeting friends and use that time instead?

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 03/10/2017 22:16

My DH wouldn't even begin to know what make up to buy, despite it being sat on my dressing table.

This wasn't sweet or a thoughtful gesture to save you the trouble. This was his way of getting out of parenting his child and ruining your plans for some childfree time because it's not what he as to do, hence an alternative being readily available. No man thinks a woman won't want to have a wander and a good shop when it comes to clothes and make up. This was purely for his benefit only.

Tell him that's great, by it doesn't change your plans of course so he can either decline lunch with his friends or take his child with him.

iloveruby · 03/10/2017 22:20

Out of curiosity - what make up did he buy you and is it what you normally wear?

ReanimatedSGB · 03/10/2017 22:21

Have a think about how much child-free, chore free time you have had since DS was born, and how much free time your H has had. (OK, going to work isn't free time). Would this have been his first time of looking after DS without you there?

I think this is, if not controlling, selfish and thoughtless of him. It doesn't suit him to let you have free time, so he's going to try to stop it happening.

reallyanotherone · 03/10/2017 22:23

*But that's how men view shopping. You want A, so you go into the first shop that sells A, you buy A, you go home. Job done. The poor souls simply don't understand browsing, going into shops that don't sell A just for the fun of it, having a coffee, trying on shoes and then going back to the first shop you went in and buying A.

It's a chore to them, so they do it as fast as possible. He thinks he saved you a chore. Bless*

I think I’m a man then. I fucking hate shopping. I order on line, if i have to i have a plan and know which shops and what to buy.

Dh, on the other hand, loves a good wander round the shops. There are many men who do.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/10/2017 22:25

Someone's clearly never been to a guitar shop with a man who likes guitars...

HolgerDanske · 03/10/2017 22:30

First, please never apologise for wanting a little bit of time for yourself! Seriously, my reaction to your plea of 'please don't judge' was WTF, WHY on earth would I judge?!

Anyway,

No, you're not being unreasonable or ungrateful.

Thank him nicely for his hopefully thoughtful and not controlling/manipulative gift, then inform that you still need to go out and he can still parent his own child for the day.

Now, to RTFT...

TattyCat · 03/10/2017 22:31

Someone's clearly never been to a guitar shop with a man who likes guitars...

Oh God. This!!!!

Zaphodsotherhead · 03/10/2017 22:31

Sadly, I have many many times been to a guitar shop with a man who liked guitars, BUT we went to ONE guitar shop, where he tried out ALL the guitars. Never once took a swipe at a drum kit, or had a break to wander into a coffee shop and have a sandwich. It was all about the guitars. Single minded.

TattyCat · 03/10/2017 22:34

Seriously Op, just TELL him that you want some time for yourself and that is what you are doing. How much time has he spent alone with your DC? It could be that he's actually a bit scared of knowing what to do - it doesn't make it right and it's not an excuse, but I understand it. If it's something he hasn't done very often then it's probably a bit scary, whether it's his own child or not. I know that's not a popular opinion on here, but it's sometimes reality nonetheless.

buckeejit · 03/10/2017 22:37

Oh I'd cry buckets-the best bit of buying makeup is all the testing in the shop!

Tell him thanks but no thanks-ask for the receipt & he can still take your ds to lunch with your friends. This had made me irrationally angry on your behalf, even if his intentions were honourable,

Of course there's no shame in spending some time alone, enjoy your trip out!

anothermalteserplease · 03/10/2017 22:40

Oh no that's not ok. How can someone else buy make up for you? You need to test colours work on your skin tone etc. I'd be asking for the receipt to take it back if possible and still going out all day Saturday to get what I needed.

ClothEaredBint · 03/10/2017 22:41

I would just say.

"Thank you, but the point was to get a little time to myself, so while I appreciate the make-up, i'm still going out."

becotide · 03/10/2017 22:43

Well, there's a few days you could handle this.

You could assume he's been sweet but clueless, and tell him thank you for the make up, it will give you more time shopping, ALONE, for clothes on Saturday.

You Could ask him why he thought you wanted him to rearrange your life for you

You could tell him to stop dodging being a father

You could tell him to stop trying to control you.

perhaps start at defcon 1 for now, assume good intentoons but be clear about your plans

everyonesgotanopinion · 03/10/2017 22:45

I do think you're being a bit princessy about it. He thought he was doing a good thing and saving you a job so you could enjoy a sociable lunch with friends. You'll have plenty of 'me' time when you're back at work wishing you were at home...

thenightsky · 03/10/2017 22:45

I'm puzzled how he managed to buy the correct make-up Confused

DH would die inside if I asked him to pick just a mascara due to being clueless. I wouldn't even start on black, brown, brown/black, lengthening, thickening, waterproof, smudgeproof etc.

Or did you email him links of the exact items?

becotide · 03/10/2017 22:46

SOciable lunch with friends ... coincidentally whilst being the default parent for the one year old child who will NOT want to sit through a long lunch

expatinscotland · 03/10/2017 22:52

' He thought he was doing a good thing and saving you a job so you could enjoy a sociable lunch with friends. You'll have plenty of 'me' time when you're back at work wishing you were at home..'

Um, no, he plans to spend time off by himself gardening first. And if going to work is 'me' time, then by that token he has it in spades.

'Aw, thanks, hun, but I'm still going shopping on Saturday. You'll just have to manage with DS.' He tries to throw another spanner, you just boomerang it right back. Don't turn your phone on, either.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/10/2017 22:53

If you're going back to work soon, then your baby is probably at least six months old, possibly older.
How often has your dh looked after his dc solo on a weekend?

I know every family is different, but right from day 1 of dc1 we have both taken a few hours off on our own every weekend.
We do 'ask' each other, but it's not really asking, more informing.
The way your op is worded is weird, like it's unusual to go out for a few hours on your own. It isn't.

GeorgeTheHamster · 03/10/2017 22:58

I couldn't even buy the right makeup for myself without extensive testing, trying on etc. I don't see how he could possibly get this right.