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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ungrateful cow? (AIBU)

101 replies

Vixii · 03/10/2017 20:32

So, I'm the ungrateful cow in question. Maybe.

I'm going back to work in a few weeks so had asked my husband if he could please take care of our son on a weekend day so I could have some time to myself, get some new makeup, clothes etc and just spend some time alone. Our son is now nearly 1, we don't have any family who help us out so the idea of an entire few hours alone was glorious (please don't judge)!
However, hubby has just come home very pleased with himself that he's bought me a whole new set of makeup. He is very good at things like this - it's lovely. However, he seems unable to understand that this really really wasn't the actual point. He's joyfully explained that I now don't need to go shopping on Saturday so he can work in the garden and we can both go meet up with his friends for lunch.

AIBU unreasonable to be fuming? My emotions are a bit scattered with the idea of going back to work so not sure! I've said "thank you" so far and tried to explain it to him.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 03/10/2017 23:00

He did it on purpose he's hoping that buying the make up makes him look sweet when in fact he's just trying to stop you leaving him with the child.

I'd go fucking nuts

elevenclips · 03/10/2017 23:01

Has he looked after the baby on his own before? Is he scared?

carelessdad · 03/10/2017 23:05

Men are problem solvers. You said you needed makeup, so he solved your problem for you. Simples.

Its exactly the same when W and H come home at the same time, W says what a shit day she’s had at the office and details all the issues. H listens intently, then says exactly what needs to be done to solve the problems, in what he thinks is the necessary amount of detail, then disappears and switches on the telly, and thinks he’s been really nice to W. W meanwhile thinks about how many years she’d get for attacking him with an axe.

To get the right reaction, you need to tell him exactly what the problem is. Eg “I need a day pottering around the shops by myself, maybe buying something, maybe not, but it will make me feel good.” If he’s a good man, he’ll not understand, but he’ll encourage you to do it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 03/10/2017 23:07

Oh please don't go the "is he scared" route.

No one tells us how to look after the baby we know as much as they do when tht baby is plonked in our arms.no instructions nothing.

All you do is ask about the routine and job done. Any man that can find out what make up a person uses and remember the shades and brands cab read a formula tin and make some porridge

Theycalledmethewildrose · 03/10/2017 23:18

I would dread to think what DH would arrive home with if I sent him to buy my makeup without a list with full instructions of where and what to buy :).

OP Just tell him you are still going out, you can't take the baby as you have your own things to do. And from now on, organise a few hours every second Saturday or a full Saturday once a month to have your own time.

Usernamegone · 03/10/2017 23:19

Thank DH for buying you the make up but then demand the receipt off of him. Then explain that make up needs to be bought by the person who will be wearing it as you need to try it on your skin to make sure it is suitable and looks good. Then explain you will have to go into town and hopefully you will be able exchange it so that the money is not wasted. However, most shops do not allow refunds or exchanges on make-up as it meant to be tried on before it is bought which is why they have testers to enable people to do this. However, you would love if in the future he got you a gift voucher for favourite brand/shop so that you can buy make up.

CaretakerToNuns · 03/10/2017 23:22

YANBU. He's a typical useless father who can't be arsed to look after his child. Find someone better.

KurriKurri · 03/10/2017 23:22

Men are problem solvers. You said you needed makeup, so he solved your problem for you. Simples

THat's not what happened at all. OP didn;t say she had a probelm and needed make up, she said she was going into town to shop for make up clothes and to have some alone time. No 'problem' mentioned there at all. What she clearly said she needed from him was for him to look after his own child while she went out and did these things.
If he wanted to 'problem solve' this non problem he could have just done as she asked. In fact he has created a problem.

All this 'men are problem solvers is total bull'. Some might arrogantly think that they are, because they think women have heads full of scribble and can't cope with everyday situations.

But what has happened here is that OP's H has engineered a way of not looking after his own child. That's not problem solving, it is selfish and manipulative (disguised as 'thoughtful' so that OP would feel guilty about not giving up on her plans - bingo, it worked)

crazyhairdontcare · 03/10/2017 23:34

I think it sounds as if he needs to learn how to parent his own child independently. I have three, one is only 7 months old and I have already booked a trip abroad in a few weeks with the girls, because I need some time to myself and with my friends. DH is fully appreciative of this and totally supports me, as I do him.

Butterymuffin · 03/10/2017 23:35

YY to the posters who have recommended saying 'Thanks, that's lovely but I'm still going shopping on Saturday because I have clothes to get, plus I'm looking forward to getting out on my own for a bit'. Tell him.

kubex · 03/10/2017 23:59

Wow, I honestly cannot believe how quick some of you were to call this man controlling and manipulative!!

The OP even said that he was 'very good at things like this'.

Poor guy tries to do something lovely for his wife and instantly gets shot down!

Stop being an ungrateful cow, thank him for the lovely gesture, tell him your 'me day' is still happening and so he and DS will have to entertain themselves for the day!

KurriKurri · 04/10/2017 00:03

He's joyfully explained that I now don't need to go shopping on Saturday so he can work in the garden

Yeah he really wanted to do something lovely for his wife - no ulterior motive there at all. Right.

Atenco · 04/10/2017 00:30

It was nice gesture, but I think he did it because he is scared of having to look his child on his own.

I too was gobsmacked by your "please don't judge" comment about wanting time on your own. Of course you want time on your own and you will be a better parent for having it. Your husband will also be a better parent by learning how to look after his own child.

FiftyShadesOfDuckEggBlue · 04/10/2017 00:37

YANBU. I'd be fuming!

Original poster
Vixii · 04/10/2017 01:23

Thanks posters! Sorry - I posted and then had dinner and bed!
I do hope some of you aren't posting from experience - he's not controlling.
Makeup he got is my usual foundation etc and then some nice eye shadow palates and kits - not rocket science :) I do agree that trying it all on is half the fun though!

I think he was genuinely trying to be nice and thought this would be a good way of doing everything.

Sorry - not intentionally drip feeding - he looks after our little boy on his own quite regularly so I don't think he's trying to avoid doing so. Had him for my KIT days and he's doing the nursery settling in stuff too.
Have spoken to him again as some of you kindly suggested and he's still a bit mystified but my plan stands :) Think he thought I'd be doing a quick dash to town rather than a day trip. Have now booked in for a massage just to make sure I won't be dashing back!

Thanks!! I just hate sounding like I don't want to spend time with them - particularly when I'm about to go back to work and thst time will be restricted.

Xx

OP posts:
JonSnowsWife · 04/10/2017 06:08

You're not ungrateful at all.

He just doesn't seem to get it.

You need 'you' time too. I'm sure he gets 'you' time of his own whilst you're still being mummy. His turn now to be daddy for a few hours on Saturday.

PurplePillowCase · 04/10/2017 07:20

enjoy your saturday!

PoppyPopcorn · 04/10/2017 07:29

Why make up stories?

Just say thanks for the gift but that you'll be going out for a bit on saturday as you need time to yourself.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/10/2017 07:41

Have now booked in for a massage just to make sure I won't be dashing back!

Vixii well done for this!

As for the men/women shopping divide - I'm the kind of shopper that many of you think men are (it bores me rigid, if I find something I don't hate I buy two identical ones in order not to have to go shopping again) and my ex could clothes-shop for England, takes hours and hours and enjoys every minute.

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2017 08:54

Well done you. And stop feeling guilty! You don't have to spend every waking moment with your family - time alone is great for mental health.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/10/2017 09:25

Oh good. Glad it's all sorted and it was just him not really thinking it through.

Ohyesiam · 04/10/2017 09:41

You are not ungrateful or unreasonable. You need some time out. Nothing wrong with that.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 04/10/2017 09:58

Good for you op, enjoy your massage! Smile

As an aside --- To the posters who think a man is incapable of knowing about/buying make up....

My DP loves buying me make up.
He is actually much better at it than me.
He actually got me started on the colours I wear at the moment, he saw them, thought I would look awesome in them, and he wa very, very right, I get compliments all the time on my mad blue eyeliner!

He is also better at clothes shopping than me, and he knows I mainly wear/prefer mens clothes- this isn't a control thing, he would never come back with a short skirt, he would come back with insane mens steampunk trousers and say "I saw these and thought they were really you"- he is never, ever wrong!

He travels all over the country for work and will call from Brighton or London and ask if I need anything, I will say "get me some new tops" and he will come back with perfect colours and styles I have never thought of!

He loves all that meandering around, choosing stuff, snd I bloody hate it.

It is really sexist to assume all men are crap/ don't like/ don't get shopping. So please don't.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 04/10/2017 10:07

I can see why some PP's might have interpreted it as a move to avoid looking after DC, so many blokes would do that, but they are also probably the kind of blokes who probably wouldn't know a posh brand of lipstick from a 99p concealer!

Mine would do similar op, just because he would be thinking he was doing me a favour, but if like mine, he wouldn't give a shiny shite if I fucked off for a whole weekend, I don't think it was anything other than a misguided attempt to help.

MrsJamesAspey · 05/10/2017 09:32

* As for the men/women shopping divide - I'm the kind of shopper that many of you think men are (it bores me rigid, if I find something I don't hate I buy two identical ones in order not to have to go shopping again) and my ex could clothes-shop for England, takes hours and hours and enjoys every minute.*

Same, I go shopping, buy what I want and go home again, DP will spend hours trying stuff on and just having another look, he even buys stuff and then takes it back the next day because despite trying it on 3 times he’s decided he doesn’t like it Hmm