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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ungrateful cow? (AIBU)

101 replies

Vixii · 03/10/2017 20:32

So, I'm the ungrateful cow in question. Maybe.

I'm going back to work in a few weeks so had asked my husband if he could please take care of our son on a weekend day so I could have some time to myself, get some new makeup, clothes etc and just spend some time alone. Our son is now nearly 1, we don't have any family who help us out so the idea of an entire few hours alone was glorious (please don't judge)!
However, hubby has just come home very pleased with himself that he's bought me a whole new set of makeup. He is very good at things like this - it's lovely. However, he seems unable to understand that this really really wasn't the actual point. He's joyfully explained that I now don't need to go shopping on Saturday so he can work in the garden and we can both go meet up with his friends for lunch.

AIBU unreasonable to be fuming? My emotions are a bit scattered with the idea of going back to work so not sure! I've said "thank you" so far and tried to explain it to him.

OP posts:
SnowiestMountain · 03/10/2017 21:17

**out!

LewisThere · 03/10/2017 21:19

Nope. Not ungrateful at all.
Because he did that only to be able to to get away with looking after his own son for the day.
I think you need to actually have things to do for the day much more often....

BewareOfDragons · 03/10/2017 21:21

I would be very firm and tell him you're still taking some time for yourself this Saturday to do some shopping. He will be on small person duty and can take small person to lunch with his friends. You already have plans, shopping plans.

ethelfleda · 03/10/2017 21:22

But that's how men view shopping

Nope. My DH would completely understand why I might want to get out of the house for a few hours on my own in this scenario!

expatinscotland · 03/10/2017 21:22

'Aw, thanks! I need to get clothes, though, so you can take DS with you.' The end.

LonginesPrime · 03/10/2017 21:25

At worst, he's controlling or doesn't want to be alone with his baby.

At best, he's heard what you've said you want (time alone to do xyz) and he's decided he knows better than you and can get you what (he thinks) you want more efficiently.

The only way you're going to be able to get to the bottom of what's going on inside his head is by talking to him, though.

Theresnonamesleft · 03/10/2017 21:33

So he's bought all the right colors and brands?

Controlling.

Tell him you are still going as planned. You also need the receipts to return for the correct colour/brand etc

NoSquirrels · 03/10/2017 21:35

Totally NBU or ungrateful AT ALLA.

Thanks DH. But I was really looking forward to some time on my own on Saturday, I've got plans. You take FS out to lunch with A&B, that's fine by me.

dontquotemeondailymail · 03/10/2017 21:35

"Thank you, that's one less thing for me to do on my day of shopping - now I have even more time for my relaxing baby-free lunch" 😀

donquixotedelamancha · 03/10/2017 21:38

"I'm going back to work in a few weeks so had asked my husband if he could please take care of our son on a weekend day"

I may be missing the point, but if DH works full time surely weekends are the days when he spends alone time with DS anyway? I'm full time and can't wait until getting some proper time with the kids at weekend. We can't all be 50:50 but if he isn't regularly doing childcare at all, he's not really a Dad is he?

Whatever the case, your request seems trivially reasonable. I don't see a reason to be mad, just explain his mistake and go out on Saturday anyway.

NoSquirrels · 03/10/2017 21:38

My phone hates me. ALLA? FS? Anyway, just restate your plans.

Returning off maternity leave is a strange time. Get used to asserting yourself now in the small things. Your DH is going to need to be more proactive about accepting changes once you're back at work. You'll need to reshuffle the balance. Don't be the default parent, as a PP said.

Sugarformyhoney · 03/10/2017 21:41

Tell him Thankyou for the makeup but you will still be going shopp Nah as planned to have some time to yourself. Not sure why you wouldn’t just be honest?

miraclebabyplease · 03/10/2017 21:42

My husband would have heard this and bought the make up as a present. Sometimes they are just trying to be nice and supportive. Just have a chat about you still needing x, y and z but thank you for knocking make up off the list.

coldcuptea · 03/10/2017 21:43

Men aren't that bloody stupid as per some of the suggestions on this thread . They know that makeup is highly individual and that every person on earth regardless of their sex needs me time . They also know that fucking up someone's plans is a shit thing to do . You're not an ungrateful cow either . Tell him you'll be returning everything and choosing everything yourself as you had originally planned .

teaandtoast · 03/10/2017 21:44

'He seems unable to understand...'

Really. You mean he doesn't want to have to change his weekend plans at all.

viques · 03/10/2017 21:44

Fine, let him work in the garden, go off to meet your friends for lunch, then at the door of the pub/ restaurant hand him the changing bag and say "see you later." And go shopping.

Workingonthemoon · 03/10/2017 21:44

Well I took it as him being sweet and buying you a present to save you the job and so you could all go put to lunch instead. I didn't automatically assume a hidden agenda.
Did you see it as being manipulative OP though? You know him, was he being thoughtful or just trying to skive?

Either way, you're not being ungrateful.

So give him a big hug and thank him for the present but tell him you're still going to be going out for a few hours because you need clothes/space etc.

Branleuse · 03/10/2017 21:48

i wouldnt want anyone else choosing my makeup for me. Who would?

PurplePillowCase · 03/10/2017 21:49

Just tell him you're still going out on Saturday and that you were actually looking forward to it. That's ok isn't it?

^^ absolutely this.
no need for an excuse, you are an adult and can just go. dc has a loving other parent.
go and enjoy yourself!

expatinscotland · 03/10/2017 21:50

'"I'm going back to work in a few weeks so had asked my husband if he could please take care of our son on a weekend day" '

And here's where you went wrong, too. 'I'm taking off on my own on Saturday to get everything I need for going back to work. I'll be back in time for dinner.'

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 03/10/2017 21:50

Fuck that shit.
"When I said I needed to go shopping, I mean I wanted to go shopping (have you never had a child free day since dc was born?) I want to have time by myself, to chose what I want, by myself. You can have dc, go to lunch look after your child. But I'm going off, I may not get everything in one day, so I might go another day too. I am also an adult who can buy my own make up."

pigeondujour · 03/10/2017 21:51

Swapping your plans for lunch with his friends? Yeuch. Wonder who he envisages looking after the baby during that time. Also, I don't buy into the whole "men don't understand shopping" thing - men understand everything in the universe that it suits them to understand - but I still wouldn't want my DP, or anyone really, to buy me makeup. How did yours even know what to buy? Did he get it right? (Obviously 'okay but not what I'd have bought myself' doesn't constitute right.)

SingingMySong · 03/10/2017 21:51

NoSquirrels has it spot on.

SavoyCabbage · 03/10/2017 21:51

It's a bit ridiculous that you have to ask and arrange for him to look after his own child at the weekend when he's not at work.

kath6144 · 03/10/2017 21:57

Mmm - you said you asked my husband if he could please take care of our son on a weekend day

Why are you asking your DH to look after his own child?? The child has 2 parents - as a pp said, you are not the default parent, he is as much a parent as you.

You need to start telling him that you are going out, not asking. Maybe ask if he prefers this weekend or next, but he shouldn't need to be asked to look after his own child!!!

Please start asserting yourself, because once you are back working, you will be exhausted if you are the default parent all the time.

Mine are older teens now, but I started relatively early (prob when eldest was between 1&2) having days out, spa nights away, eventually even weekends visiting friends in Switzerland. Not all the time, once or twice a year, but DH never questioned them, he just got on with looking after his kids. However I had a friend who was worried about leaving her girls at ages 5&3 as she had never left them.

In this instance just say that you still need to go out, and tell him the approx hours you will be out.