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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why lie?? So bloody mean 😔

117 replies

Dairyleadunked · 02/10/2017 17:44

I'm 24 weeks pregnant. Still suffering with HG and severe pain from pelvic congestion syndrome.
Having a really bad time so asked DM would she help with school pick up today if possible. Obviously I asked a favour so it was going to be a yes or a no ....
DM told me no, that she had a doctors appointment at that time and couldn't help.
I took paracetamol and left early. DM is very near to school to I went there quickly (needed a wee and to sit for a few mins as was in agony!) and then got a call from dh who had finished early and said he would get dd.
I waited at DMs and it got a bit weird.....she couldn't have eye contact, went to her room. The time for her supposedly appt cane and went.
Turned out she just lied as didn't want to help😔I rarely ask for anything and I had put it to her in such a way that it was ok if not so it wouldn't have been an issue her saying no....but she lied and it's really hurt my feelings
No idea why she did it and I feel it was just really mean to lie

OP posts:

martellandginger · 03/10/2017 18:57

If your mother had said ‘no, I don’t want to do your school pickup. If you continue to be ill through pregnancy then please get a childminder’ - what would you have said op?

HyacinthBooquet · 03/10/2017 18:57

I still think OP's mum is overwhelmed right now and told a white lie in order to not make her feel bad given her sister is living with mum right now.

Beefgoulasch · 03/10/2017 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotAgainYoda · 03/10/2017 19:11

*Beef8

She didn't lie to spare her daughter's feeling. People who aren't assertive lie to spare their own feelings. To stop what they think is going to be blame coming their way rather than just being straight up and telling how they really feel.

SpiritedFlame · 03/10/2017 19:15

I'm sorry this happened. I would be upset to at being lied to, especially without knowing if it was done to protect you etc. It sounds like in the past you have been very straight forward and accepted if people can't help so can totally understand why you are hurt! I hope your pregnancy gets easier soon, bless you.

dustarr73 · 03/10/2017 19:42

I think if the ops mum is having trouble with people living with her.She should discuss that with the people,not lie to her daughter.

Its not like op went to the pub or a hair appointment.She asked for help because she was sick.

buckeejit · 03/10/2017 20:20

I'd message and say 'I feel really hurt that you lied to me. I hope you know that I never expect you to agree to anything if you don't want to, and wouldn't want you to feel obliged to help. If you want to talk about it let me know'

Original poster

Dairyleadunked · 03/10/2017 22:58

I very rarely ask and when I have it's just been the pick up or a very short time after never that long as dd has some additional needs.
I have spoken to dm and although she hasn't confirmed anything she said a few times she's tired I think as she's doing so much for dsis washing etc (which I didn't realise she was doing) that she's really feeling the strain maybe that's the reason for out of character lying
I'm not going to push it any more I don't think it's worth it if there's other stuff going on. Looks like I'll just be getting a lot of taxis if I don't start to feel better as I won't be asking again

OP posts:

Butteredparsnip1ps · 03/10/2017 23:16

OP I’m sorry, your situation sounds miserable. I have a feeling that you have read your Mum right though. She’s struggling and lied, but felt/feels guilty. The issue is that you are both struggling.

Would it make any difference if DM spent time at yours? A break from your DS family fir her, and perhaps some practical help for you???

Be kind to each other. Neither of you are in a great place by the sounds of it

Original poster

Dairyleadunked · 04/10/2017 00:00

I can understand her reasons. Just wish she had said to me it actually wouldn't have been a problem. It's the lying thatbhirt as we've always been so honest about everything

OP posts:

midsummabreak · 04/10/2017 00:09

Agree its possible Your sister may have put too much on her & she has not been able to complain, and she felt overwhelmed when you asked her- If she is generally lovely she may have felt too guilty to say no, despite currently feeling overwhelmed. Keep open to meeting up for coffee somewhere neutral for a frank but calm discussion. she may need you as a confidante as much as you could do with her honesty and friendship.

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/10/2017 00:38

I wonder if she didn't want to say a straight no because of how much she is doing for your sister atm ? Maybe felt as though she was treating you very unequally. I have two grown up dc and if one of them was living with me with their family because they needed to for a while and the other asked me for a much smaller favour l would be very reluctant to give a straight no.

emmyrose2000 · 04/10/2017 04:01

So your mum is quite happy to open her home to your sister and niece, do work for them on a long term, ongoing basis, yet can't be arsed to help out her ill daughter as a one off (half hour or so?) favour?

I'd be severely pissed off and hurt in this situation, at both the lying and the lack of support, and favouritism towards the sister.

This isn't your thing to fix, OP. Your mum needs to sort it out.

Abbylee · 04/10/2017 04:31

OP, I know that I repeat myself, but "parents are people who had children." I know that she hurt your feelings but please, sometimes our age catches up to us, or there is new tension in her home that she is struggling to deal with and she loves you but did not want you to have hurt feelings by saying "no".

The people who are abrasive about dealing with your mother seem to miss how badly she lied. She lied badly bc she is not well practised. parent's do not like to cause trouble with siblings by complaining about one to the other. I realize that you are sick, but she may not want to bother you with her problems and it seems obvious that she is troubled.

I really believe that today was a difficult day for you both. I would hate to say no to my dd or tell her that I was too sick or tired or (!)had a date if I knew that she needed me. Patience will solve this unhappy riddle because you love each other.

Snugglywithmycat17 · 04/10/2017 06:35

I feel for u op and think maybe u could have a word with your dsis and explain that u think your mum is struggling a bit?
Maybe she does have a medical situation that she wants to keep private for now?
My mum suffered incontinence for a while but wouldn't admit it and it stopped her wanting to leave the house at all.

I don't know if you are seeing a woman's health physio but might be worth it if u are only 24 weeks?

Hugs xxx

BarbarianMum · 04/10/2017 07:55

Telling a polite lie /making a polite excuse rather than giving a blunt "no" is perfectly normal. Would you really have felt better if she'd just said "no I don't want to"?

No offense but your mum doesn't owe you the truth in this situation.

HyacinthBooquet · 04/10/2017 08:02

OP, I think your plan to get Taxis is a good one because when it comes up in the conversation that you do and you are asked why you can say to your mum because of what happened the last time I asked for help. You dont have to say it bluntly, you're smart enough to dress it up a bit so she gets the message that you know she's tired, that your hurt, and the situation with your sister means you're being overlooked when it comes to needing help.

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