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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why lie?? So bloody mean 😔

117 replies

Dairyleadunked · 02/10/2017 17:44

I'm 24 weeks pregnant. Still suffering with HG and severe pain from pelvic congestion syndrome.
Having a really bad time so asked DM would she help with school pick up today if possible. Obviously I asked a favour so it was going to be a yes or a no ....
DM told me no, that she had a doctors appointment at that time and couldn't help.
I took paracetamol and left early. DM is very near to school to I went there quickly (needed a wee and to sit for a few mins as was in agony!) and then got a call from dh who had finished early and said he would get dd.
I waited at DMs and it got a bit weird.....she couldn't have eye contact, went to her room. The time for her supposedly appt cane and went.
Turned out she just lied as didn't want to help😔I rarely ask for anything and I had put it to her in such a way that it was ok if not so it wouldn't have been an issue her saying no....but she lied and it's really hurt my feelings
No idea why she did it and I feel it was just really mean to lie

OP posts:
SusieOwl4 · 02/10/2017 18:11

Wonder why she does not want to do it? I think you are entitled to know why then perhaps you might understand? But I agree no excuse for telling a lie . Must be quite hurtful.

mincepiewithbrandy · 02/10/2017 18:13

Sorry op that’s pretty shit. I’d be hurt too. My own DM has lied to me several times and as I’ve grown up been increasingly cold and nasty for no reason. I constantly wrack my brains as to why as I never ask for anything and feel that I’m very kind towards her.. still don’t know why. I really hate lies- makes me so mad!

Original poster
Dairyleadunked · 02/10/2017 18:13

I have absolutely no idea why, I'll have to ask. It's just so out of character and I think that's why it's hurt as things are usually straightforward. I don't like to think that she had seen how much discomfort I was in and just said no and lied as that really hurts

OP posts:
Bettercallsaul1 · 02/10/2017 18:17

How old are your parents, OP, and how old is your niece who's just moved in with them, with your sister and brother-in-law? Is it possible that your Mum is feeling a bit overwhelmed with helping with family at the moment? Perhaps she couldn't face another request but felt she couldn't give a bald "No".

ShatnersBassoon · 02/10/2017 18:18

Don't let it become something bigger than it really was. She presumably had good reasons for not wanting to help today, rather than deciding to be mean to you.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 02/10/2017 18:19

I can see how it would be hurtful, especially as you were feeling rotten and could have done with the support. Saying that, in my experience it's only on MN that "no is a full sentence". In RL it's not that unusual for someone to make up an excuse to add to the no, generally to avoid being pressured to agree. I know I've done it Blush. Not saying you would have pressured her Op but maybe she thought you might?

I think this may have been a case where she thought of it as a little white lie situation. And of course little white lies are harmless. Until you're caught out telling one!

scottishretreat · 02/10/2017 18:19

I'd be tempted to start using bizarre excuses when she wants something, just to make a point!
If she comes over, and wants to use the loo, say 'sorry, we have a live alligator in the bathroom', or ask her to go because you're expecting a visit from the queen, but she doesn't want a crowd there..she should soon understand that its better to be honest.

Miserylovescompany2 · 02/10/2017 18:24

Maybe she just couldn't face going out today? Or she's overwhelmed with her change in living arrangements?

I'd ask her straight up if there's an issue - rather than letting this morph into something much bigger...

It wasn't a huge ask on your part and I'd be pissed off that she felt the need to lie.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/10/2017 18:24

I agree with Bettercall it could be that she couldn't face the school pick up and a lively child but didn't want to hurt your feelings or for you to take it personally? Her white lie has spectacularly backfired so I expect she feels dreadful now.

Is your DM sympathetic to your ailments? I know my mum had little time for pregnancy complaints; always telling me she'd had 4 kids and walked 10 miles daily, pregnancy wasn't an illness in my day.. blah blah.. Sad
Perhaps she's not taking you seriously about the pain you're in?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/10/2017 18:25

She is your mum, and being a mother does not stop at 18, well for some it does! I would try my best to help my kids where I can, she does not sound particularly nice or maternal tbh. Unless you constantly ask for help (which I don't get that impression), she sounds mean, I would be keeping a bit of distance between you, and limit contact with your gc. She wants the good parts I expect, but does not want to get her hands dirty.

Aderyn17 · 02/10/2017 18:26

Even if you really don't want to do something, surely you should do it for a daughter who has bad pelvic pain and HG?
I don't understand some parents at all. If this was my mum I'd not be able to forgive it or forget it. I think I would be distancing myself from her.

Just remember, if she gets old and sick that you are well within your rights to say no if she ever asks you for help!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/10/2017 18:27

If its the case of she can't face going out, she should be honest with you. In the past op has asked for help, and the answer is no, she does not sound like a very kind mother.

MadamePomfrey · 02/10/2017 18:32

You say she is divorced and recently had your dsis and family move in? Where they out during this period of time? I'm guessing at yes?? Any chance she has boyfriend? Maybe a secret boyfriend? If it's out of character for you mum to lie maybe she said gp because she didn't want to say the real reason!

Hassled · 02/10/2017 18:35

How is she with your DD? Is your DD maybe a bit much for her?

maxrayeseth123 · 02/10/2017 18:37

My mum feigns illness regularly when she can't be arsed visiting, I wish she would just say no instead of making up elaborate 'deaths door' tales! Trouble is...like yours, she seems to pick the moments I need her most to let me down! Grin Try not to let it come between you, have a quiet word with her...Flowers good luck..

SquidgeyMidgey · 02/10/2017 18:39

Harsh as it sounds maybe she's feeling a bit fed up with being grandma babysitter extraordinaire since she has your dn living there. Not fair on you at all but possible?

scoobydooagain · 02/10/2017 18:39

I feel sorry for your mum, she has your sister and family living with her and then her other daughter let herself into her house, no privacy or alone time. Maybe she likes being surrounded by others, but it would drive me crazy.

Miranda15110 · 02/10/2017 18:41

I think this has become a bigger issue than it really is. Maybe she made a mistake with her dates and maybe she just didn’t want to help out. It is easier to say no and offer up a plausible reason why not. Maybe she thinks it will set the tone going forward and you need to get on with things without her input x

AgSiopadoireachtAris · 02/10/2017 18:43

I don't see this as so very terrible.

She didn't want to give you a flat blunt no. That sounds like she doesn't care.

She might have felt tired. She basically just wanted to say no but felt she couldn't because she is basically, usually polite and obliging and helpful?

It's the kind of lie I might tell too. I don't set out to mislead but if I tell a lie it is usually of this type.

AgSiopadoireachtAris · 02/10/2017 18:44

And I know, I can't say to my mother, ''nope, not coming for lunch on Sunday because I'd rather stay in bed til one drinking coffee and watching netflix''. I have to have a reason or her feelings would be hurt. So if I say no to sunday lunch I give her a reason.

It's not supposed to be a labyrinth of deceit. It's supposed to avoid hurting feelings.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 02/10/2017 18:44

My mum would have done the same. Apart from she would have then found a way to make it all my fault for asking in the first place!

NC4now · 02/10/2017 18:48

Don't text her, ring her. Or go and see her.
Could she have got mixed up with her appointment day, then felt embarrassed to admit it?
Only you know your relationship but I'm sure you can put it in a way that doesn't sound like you are criticising.

NotAgainYoda · 02/10/2017 18:49

Ag

I can really recommend this book "A Woman in Your Own Right" Assertiveness and You"

Basically it teaches you how to assert your needs and wants without being indirect or, as in the OP's mum's case, doing something deceitful when she would have accepted the truth

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 02/10/2017 18:50

Starting to limit contact with her, stopping her seeing her GC and refusing to help her if she's sick is all terrible advice Shock
I wouldn't encourage you to seek revenge, no need to escalate this.

You say yourself that this is out of character for her, she's apologised. I'd try to forgive her if you can. You're having a difficult pregnancy, the last thing you want is to fall out with your mum as well.

guestofclanmackenzie · 02/10/2017 18:51

I feel for you, OP

I was in a similar situation a few years ago with my sister. She sent a text to my Mum saying "I was meant to be picking up X (my DS - her nephew) but I have made an excuse and told guestofclan a white lie as agreed"

The thing is she sent that text to me instead of my Mum by mistake. When I read it, felt my blood run cold. She sheepishly texted me after realising her mistake and I had it out with her. I just asked her why she felt the need to lie to me?

So I can understand how you feel. When your mum texted you and said "sorry" what was your response?

Think you need to let her know how much it has (rightfully) hurt you.. And have a good chat with her otherwise all sorts of thoughts will spiral out of control in your head.

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