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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DD (3) to be allowed to go to the toilet during lunch time?

44 replies

newmumwithquestions · 02/10/2017 15:28

DD has recently turned 3. She's been potty trained for 6-9 months ish, but not without accidents. Happily the accidents are extremely rare now.

She had an accident at nursery today. I asked her about it and she told me that they have been told that they are not allowed to go to the toilet at lunchtime. She was upset about it.

She's very shy in public and we went through a stage at nursery of her having accidents because she was too shy to ask to use the toilet. Nursery were good about helping by asking her regularly if she needed to go (and I did keep telling her to speak up if she needed), so I'm a bit pissed off that they've now scared her. She said she tried to hold it until after lunch but couldn't..

I do get that a room full of nursery children must be like herding cats. I get that they are only trying to make their lives easier. I also get that once at school there will be times when they can't just go. But they're not at school, they're at nursery.

AIBU to think that nursery should be letting 3 year olds go to the toilet whenever they like?

OP posts:
teaandbiscuitsforme · 02/10/2017 15:32

You need to check with the Nursery for their version!

Birdsgottafly · 02/10/2017 15:32

Speak to them and just ensure that she has access to a toilet whenever she feels she needs to go.

You don't know the full situation, yet.

kaytee87 · 02/10/2017 15:35

Yeah you need to speak to the nursery.

It is ridiculous if they're expecting 3 year olds to hold their bladder / bowels for any length of time. So if they start needing at say 12, they have to wait til 1 (or however long lunch is)?
It's not like a 3 year old knows what time it is or can plan ahead by going just before lunch etc.

ElizabethShaw · 02/10/2017 15:41

I tell my nursery class to go before lunch when they're washing their hands as they can't go during the meal. In practice if someone asks to go during the meal they're allowed to but I remind them they should have gone beforehand.

carefreeeee · 02/10/2017 15:42

YANBU but check if it's true before doing anything drastic!

rightnowimpissed · 02/10/2017 15:48

Definatly Check this with the nursery, my god if it is true they need telling to wise up or you'll put her in another nursery.

Every child should be allowd to use the bathroom whenever they need to. I saw this at school people asking for the toilet and not being allowed to go and one girl actually wet herself in the classroom infront of everyone, its a horrible, horrible rule.

I have insited that all of my children at school are to be allowed to use the toilet when they need to or there'll be consequence for the school.

Original poster
newmumwithquestions · 02/10/2017 15:49

I will check before I steam in as I'm aware a 3 year olds version of events sometimes omit some key details.

OP posts:
Lucyandpoppy · 02/10/2017 15:49

YANBU recently potty trained children need constant access but she is only 3 so double check what their version of events is!

Original poster
newmumwithquestions · 02/10/2017 15:53

I tell my nursery class to go before lunch when they're washing their hands as they can't go during the meal. In practice if someone asks to go during the meal they're allowed to but I remind them they should have gone beforehand.

This sounds to be exactly what has happened. But what about those that are too scared to speak up once youve told them they shouldn't need to go? We've spent months working on DD trying to give her the confidence to say when she needs to toilet. She told me she didn't speak up because she'd been told she wasn't allowed (ie didn't want to be told off for needing).

OP posts:
LadyLovelace · 02/10/2017 16:03

Last year I moved DD for something very similar. Unlike her 3 older brothers, she was in knickers by 22mths. There was constant accidents at nursery which I didn't understand as they were rare at home. Turns out that room has no access to toilets Shock Hmm and she was having to ask then wait for extra staff just so she could have a wee. It seemed ridiculous and the worst part was that they acted as though DD was being awkward. Her new nursery, where she still is, were brilliant and no such weird restrictions.

teaandbiscuitsforme · 02/10/2017 16:51

I think it’s quite reasonable for the general rule to be that they’re not to be able to go whilst they’re eating, providing they’ve all been taken to the toilet before they started eating. Obviously if a child asks, that’s different. But it’s a bit much to think that the staff are being unreasonable because they didn’t realise that your DD might be too scared to ask if she’s been taken to the toilet recently. They wouldn’t think that she should need to go so they’re not going to be checking for that!

ElizabethShaw · 02/10/2017 17:49

newmum - I'd just remind her that she needs to try when she goes to wash her hands, and explain if she needs to go during lunchtime she must tell an adult.

Original poster
newmumwithquestions · 02/10/2017 19:56

I think it’s quite reasonable for the general rule to be that they’re not to be able to go whilst they’re eating, providing they’ve all been taken to the toilet before they started eating
See that's why I'm asking - I don't think that's reasonable but am prepared to be told I'm wrong. I really don't think DD has the ability yet to work out that she's going to need in 10 minutes. I think she works out she needs now, then can hold it for about 5 minutes max.

OP posts:
teaandbiscuitsforme · 02/10/2017 20:35

That’s why I said it’s only reasonable if they’ve all been taken to the toilet before sitting down. And as much as they’ve said the rule is no one goes to the toilet during lunch, if a child needs to go, they’ll be allowed to go!

My 2.5 yr old DD can’t hold it for ages either but if she’s gone to the toilet before eating, I’d generally expect she could make it through a meal. In any childcare/school setting, there will be times when they’re asked to go to the toilet because that is when it’s most convenient for the group so you need to make sure your DD is really trying to go at those points as well as working on the confidence to speak out if she needs to go.

ElizabethShaw · 03/10/2017 09:36

She needs to get in the habit of going/ trying before lunch when she goes to wash hands. Maybe you could practise at home too?
It is likely a safety/supervision issue that nursery can't have children getting up and down throughout mealtimes.

Missktyler · 03/10/2017 10:25

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InsomniacAnonymous · 03/10/2017 10:31

The little girl is so young, only just turned 3. The nursery should have a bit of compassion and flexibility with such young children. She's now scared. That's not right.

Timeywimey8 · 03/10/2017 10:40

I teach year 2 and they are not allowed to go to the toilet during lessons and they know they must go at playtime and lunch. Nursery children however cannot be expected to hold it

I don't think anyone can be expected to hold it. Would you rather a child nip to the loo and come back comfortable, or spend the whole lesson trying to wet themselves and not concentrating at all.

I always go to the loo when I leave the house in the morning. When I reach the railway station which is about 20 minutes away, I need to go again. If I don't manage to go because the train is about to leave, I will definitely need to go once I reach my destination. People will say "why didn't you go before you left home". I did and do! I'm not so bad in the afternoons, but when I need to go I need to go, especially if I've had coffee.

I can only assume that those teachers and nursery staff who stop kids from going to the loo have never ever had any bladder issues themselves. I know kids mess around, but a teacher really should know the difference between the child who really needs to go and the one who's messing around. Going to the loo is a medical need. Access to a toilet shouldn't be used as some sort of weapon or restricted for the convenience of others.

I also get fed up of businesses which have signs up saying loos are for customers only. I wonder how they would like people to behave towards their 2 year old who's desperate for the loo. Or an aging relative. People never seem to be capable of putting themselves in the place of the person whose life they are making difficult.

SilverySurfer · 03/10/2017 13:54

I've never been able to 'go to order' and suspect that is the same for some children too.

Surely it's possible that you don't want to go at midday, for example but do want to at 1pm? It's not reasonable for the person in charge to spend the whole hour asking each child several times if they need to go. Perhaps you could help to teach your DD to ask the person in charge?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2017 13:58

My goodness they are 3 and at nursery, not 13! If they need to go, then sometimes they cannot hold it like older kids. Also they may not need to go when you told them, but 10 mins later. They are not robots! Some are bearly out of nappies fgs!

Disn3yN3rd · 03/10/2017 13:58

I wonder if the nursery are trying to implement a “going to the toilet at lunchtime” approach and you DD has misheard it as “you’re not allowed to go to the toilet at lunchtime”?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2017 13:59

I would find out what's happened from the nursery manager and take it from there.

steppemum · 03/10/2017 14:12

I teach year 2 and they are not allowed to go to the toilet during lessons and they know they must go at playtime and lunch.

You should NOT be doing this.
My dd in year 2 started coming home every day smelling of wee and with wet knickers and trousers. Not a complete accident, but wet, and then very red and sore. It took a few days for me to realise this was a pattern and not a one off.
Then she burst into floods of tears. Some kids had been blocking the loos with toilet paper, so new rule, no-one allowed to go during lessons, only at play and lunch. She took this to heart and wouldn't even ask, because she was always reticent about speaking up in class.
Then every day wet, sore, red, and smelly.
I went in to see teacher and asked her what the rule was over toilets. She was mortified that dd was wetting herself rather than ask, and quickly made a quiet arrangement with the TA that it was OK to let her go.

Some children take a rule like this as gospel and wet themselves rather than ask. They are only year 2. Dd was potty trained by 2, but has always had accidents, her signal to go is really poor. Ever since reception we have had to work on it. One problem was that she couldn't grasp the idea of going ot the loo now to save being bursting for a wee later. It took years for her to get it.

She is now a teen and would be mortified if I reminded her.
It was a physical thing. They are only 6/7

steppemum · 03/10/2017 14:16

OP - we used to use the idea of a safety wee. Go now so you don't need to go later.
before we got into the car, went to the park, shopping etc, we all did a safety wee.
I explained it with them with a bottle of water, telling a story of the morning, (playing with playdough, going on the slide, etc) and bit by bit the bottle fills up (you add water). When it gets to the red line, you think Oh I need a wee, and if you don't go and it gets to the top it overflows and you have wet knickers.

then tell the story again, only half way through stop and do a wee (empty the bottle) then you get through the day with no bursting for a wee

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2017 14:39

All well and good stepmum, what if they can't wee, not everybody can wee on demand, and these children are only 3!